working at a porn store

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It's pretty cool! I work midnite-8am. This is when wierdos come out. But not too many of them. It's a bit of an isolated porn store with few customers. Which doesn't matter with the way perverts spend. (A former warehouse by the way. It's gigantic with it's own secret scary dark oily parking garage. And two theaters that seat 150 total.) So there's several-hour-long times when absolutely nobody visits. Even at the busiest there might be 5, or momentarily 10 people there. Really it's the laziest job ever. I even finished a whole book in 3 days there this week. I can even SLEEP there if i want while the other clerk takes care of it. In fact i don't even have to do a damn thing. (Mostly I'm there just to scare shoplifters. They are bold, someone somehow stole a 6 foot dildo the other day.) The job duties are elective. I'm supposed to mop the theater and a few other things like that which would take maybe an hour if I did them all. But if I don't want to, i don't have to. Nobody checks. I do them anyway, out of gratefulness for such a cool job. I even picked every cig butt I could possibly find out of the front grass the other day. And still got about 6 hours slack time. And got brownie points from the manager who's used to people not only doing nothing ever but also stealing or running up the phone bill or some shit. The pay is decent for a bottom of the food chain job too. I can watch movies and even play CD's on the killer sound system (made to faithfully reproduce sqooshy fuck noises with state of the art high fidelity.) I couldn't resist doing Soft Cell the other day. It was great. I even bought a little PDA pocket computer thingy so I can start logging books while I'm there (online selling is my other job.) Is this a dream job. Well the bad part is jizz. The other day, I got into the theater after 3Am end of movies with the flashlight to go locate the light switch box on the other side. So I inch past the stained seats and I'm fiddling with the key for the padlock on the box and then sniff a strong jizz smell. Turns out somebody just decided to lob a puddle of it right under the light switch box in the corner. Why there? No idea. But usually, that shit is sparse. Maybe 1 or 2 dried out puddles and a few rags to sweep up. Or sometimes people just walk out with it on them. Now, I didn't see this myself *thanksfully* but the other night, the 2nd clerk saw some lady walk in with 2 guys, she wore hooker boots, a raincoat, and nothing else. 30 min. later she walks out with her chest just dripping in jizz. Gross. That was the wierdest I've yet heard. Mostly it's rather normal looking people. The gay man who hits on me a couple times a week is a grade school teacher. Well, it's definitely crazy but worth it.

― Queen Electric Butt Prober BZZT!! BZZZZZT!! (Queen Electric Butt Prober BZZ), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 01:53 (twenty-one years ago)

wait untill you have a "poop incident" - then decide if it's worth it.

― dyson (dyson), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 02:05 (twenty-one years ago)

i got this thread title to the tune of "sex farm" by Tap in my head

― ..., Tuesday, 29 June 2004 02:10 (twenty-one years ago)

I'm supposed to mop the theater and a few other things like that

Well that settles it; I'm out.

― TheRealJMod (TheRealJMod), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 02:11 (twenty-one years ago)

it's just cum

― Eisbär (llamasfur), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 02:12 (twenty-one years ago)

someone somehow stole a 6 foot dildo the other day

fwahahahahahhahahaaaaahhaaaaa!

please confirm that you didn't really mean 6inch.hwadhahahahahahaahhaah!!!!!!

― AaronHz (AaronHz), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 02:20 (twenty-one years ago)

congrats queen g! more stories pls.

― teeny (teeny), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 02:28 (twenty-one years ago)

I also totally believe it was a six-foot dildo, wtf have you never been inside a porn store aaron?

― teeny (teeny), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 02:29 (twenty-one years ago)

Please get the Devo song with the substituted lyrics out of my head, NOW!

― donut bitch (donut), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 02:31 (twenty-one years ago)

You mean the one where the line would run "I am SOOOOOO hung."

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 02:31 (twenty-one years ago)

XXX-post

I went to one once. Guess I didn't spend enough time in the dildo section.

― AaronHz (AaronHz), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 02:32 (twenty-one years ago)

or perhaps the dildo section didn't spend enough time in you¡

― dyson (dyson), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 02:33 (twenty-one years ago)

Well, it was being lent around.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 02:34 (twenty-one years ago)

a 6 foot dildo wouldn't have looked out of place in a Devo film clip

― gem (trisk), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 02:34 (twenty-one years ago)

When a dildo comes along, you must lick it.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 02:35 (twenty-one years ago)

XXX-post

ahhh, "The Things We Did and Didn't Do".

― AaronHz (AaronHz), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 02:35 (twenty-one years ago)

True Porn Clerk Stories

― oops (Oops), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 02:35 (twenty-one years ago)

GET OUTTA MY HEAD YOU ORANGE COUNTY SICKOS!

― Eisbär (llamasfur), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 02:35 (twenty-one years ago)

lick it! into shape!

― gem (trisk), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 02:36 (twenty-one years ago)

If I had a six-foot dilo, I'd level off one side, put legs on it and use it for a coffee-table.

― miloauckerman (miloauckerman), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 02:36 (twenty-one years ago)

"i have been in you"

― dildo (llamasfur), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 02:36 (twenty-one years ago)

Ned that make me laugh like a hyena. I will never be able to listen to that song with a straight face again.

― AaronHz (AaronHz), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 02:37 (twenty-one years ago)

sam cooke is rolling in his grave

― Eisbär (llamasfur), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 02:37 (twenty-one years ago)

*bows* I am pleased to see Gem has gotten into the spirit of the thing here.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 02:38 (twenty-one years ago)

she wore hooker boots, a raincoat, and nothing else. 30 min. later she walks out with her chest just dripping in jizz.

So the raincoat didn't work then?

― The Ghost at Number Almanac (Autumn Almanac), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 02:38 (twenty-one years ago)

"are we not men? we are dildo!"

― Eisbär (llamasfur), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 02:39 (twenty-one years ago)

Gates of Steel could mean anything really.

― The Ghost at Number Almanac (Autumn Almanac), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 02:40 (twenty-one years ago)

x-post how could i resist a bit of gratuitous devo lyric bastardisation. how could anyone.

― gem (trisk), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 02:40 (twenty-one years ago)

These are strange times, Ms. Gem. But think, we now have the proper upstanding lawyer that is Eisbar wallowing in lyrical filth. Yay us!

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 02:40 (twenty-one years ago)

hush you, or i'll bastardize some superchunk on this thread!

― Eisbär (llamasfur), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 02:42 (twenty-one years ago)

"the left hand diddle/while the right hand go to work."

didn't even have to change that one. unless i remembered it wrong.

― AaronHz (AaronHz), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 02:42 (twenty-one years ago)

i'll bastardize some superchunk on this thread!

Wouldn't that be an improvement?

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 02:42 (twenty-one years ago)

"I ain't jerking for you/jack-off motherfucker!"

― AaronHz (AaronHz), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 02:43 (twenty-one years ago)

tossing seeds, indeed!

― Eisbär (llamasfur), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 02:45 (twenty-one years ago)

Here's Where the Strap-on Comes In

― AaronHz (AaronHz), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 02:48 (twenty-one years ago)

In the Mouth

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 02:48 (twenty-one years ago)

No Cock-y For Kitty

― AaronHz (AaronHz), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 02:49 (twenty-one years ago)

mmm sqooshy fuck noises

― oops (Oops), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 02:49 (twenty-one years ago)

Since this is a porn thread, I just wanna say once and for all that Night Trips is not that great. Don't believe the AVN hype

― AaronHz (AaronHz), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 02:53 (twenty-one years ago)

uh, that link's not work safe, just so you know.

― AaronHz (AaronHz), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 02:54 (twenty-one years ago)

"here's to strapping up"

― Eisbär (llamasfur), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 02:55 (twenty-one years ago)

He wore a hat- he had a job- and he brought out the sausage, so that no one knew... Porno guy, he was the porno guy, happier than you and me!

― Queen Electric Butt Prober BZZT!! BZZZZZT!! (Queen Electric Butt Prober BZZ), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 03:03 (twenty-one years ago)

Still waiting for 6 FOOT dildo confirmation, Queen.

which made me think of a new name....

― AaronHz (AaronHz), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 03:06 (twenty-one years ago)

Hiya fellas!

― MC 900 Ft Dildo (AaronHz), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 03:06 (twenty-one years ago)

What's round on the ends and high in the middle?

― briania (briania), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 03:07 (twenty-one years ago)

Corey Haim's career?

― The Ghost at Number Almanac (Autumn Almanac), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 03:08 (twenty-one years ago)

The Dave Matthews Band?

― AaronHz (AaronHz), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 03:09 (twenty-one years ago)

Yes 6 feet of dildo. It got stolen right before I started working there so i didn't see it with mine own eyes, but it was on the employee bulletin board so it must be true.

― Queen Electric Butt Prober BZZT!! BZZZZZT!! (Queen Electric Butt Prober BZZ), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 04:08 (twenty-one years ago)

ohio

― dyson (dyson), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 04:09 (twenty-one years ago)

Worst part of that night trips link - "used product." Come up with better words plz.

― miloauckerman (miloauckerman), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 04:11 (twenty-one years ago)

I'd neva clean cum from a joykoff!

― Mr. Mincemeat, Tuesday, 29 June 2004 04:11 (twenty-one years ago)

you couldn't pay me to take a "used" adult-oriented anything, true.

― AaronHz (AaronHz), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 04:13 (twenty-one years ago)

Ooh, ooh
You might not ever get rich
But let me tell ya
It's better than diggin' a ditch
There ain't no tellin' who you might meet
A movie star or maybe even a Indian Chief

(Workin')
At the car wash
Workin' at the car wash, girl
Come on and sing it with me
(Car wash)
Sing it with the feelin' ya'll
(Car wash, girl)

Some of the work gets kinda hard
This ain't no place to be
If you planned on bein' a star
Let me tell you it's always cool
And the boss don't mind sometimes
If ya act the fool

At the car wash
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
Talkin' about the car wash, girl
Come on, ya'll and sing it for me
(Car wash)
Oooh, oooh, oooh
(Car wash, girl)

(Work and work)
Well, those cars never seem to stop coming
(Work and work)
Keep those rags and machines humming
(Work and work)
My fingers to the bone
(Work)
Can't wait till it's time to go home

(Hey, get your car washed today)
Fill up and you don't have to pay
Come on and give us a play
(Do the wash, right away)

(Car wash)
Talkin' 'bout the car wash
Car wash, girl
Come on, ya'll, let's sing it with me
(Car wash)
Sing it with feelin', ya'll
(Car wash, girl)

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
(Car wash)
Never seem to stop comin'
What'd I say
Keep those rags and machines hummin'

― Johnney B (Johnney B), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 06:47 (twenty-one years ago)

Please get the Devo song with the substituted lyrics out of my head, NOW!

Whoops, nobody slip now.

― Pleasant Plains (Pleasant Plains), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 14:52 (twenty-one years ago)

three years pass...

Queen Electric Butt Prober BZZT!! BZZZZZT!! (Queen Electric Butt Prober BZZ)

― Curt1s Stephens, Friday, 23 November 2007 07:53 (eighteen years ago)

It all sounded so enticing until you get to the "mop the theater line." As someone said, that does it. Also, wacky hours. Could never do it as I don't have a car. But the playing music, sleeping and reading part sounds so grebt.

― nathalie, Friday, 23 November 2007 08:19 (eighteen years ago)

Wasn't there another thread on this, some guy worked in a porn store had to scare away the wankers over the PA? "I see you, stop it!" - that kind of thing?

― Ned Trifle II, Friday, 23 November 2007 08:35 (eighteen years ago)

It was funny wherever it was I read it.

― Ned Trifle II, Friday, 23 November 2007 08:35 (eighteen years ago)

GIS for "6 foot dildo" is surprisingly dildo-free. Even with safe search turned off.

― StanM, Friday, 23 November 2007 10:42 (eighteen years ago)

A friend of mine has a six-foot dildo. The guy's 44, smokes too much pot and still thinks he's going to be a rock star.

― Nubbelverbrennung, Friday, 23 November 2007 13:37 (eighteen years ago)

The dildo, I mean.

― Nubbelverbrennung, Friday, 23 November 2007 13:45 (eighteen years ago)

Gershy's ante-upping has raised Curtis' game, it seems.

― Just got offed, Friday, 23 November 2007 15:20 (eighteen years ago)

Well the bad part is jizz.

― johnny crunch, Friday, 23 November 2007 15:37 (eighteen years ago)

Jizz has a SMELL?!?!?!

― Abbott, Friday, 23 November 2007 21:16 (eighteen years ago)

lanolin or bleach

― Catsupppppppppppppp dude 茄蕃, Friday, 23 November 2007 21:20 (eighteen years ago)

STOP AND SMELL THE ROSES ABBOTT

― Catsupppppppppppppp dude 茄蕃, Friday, 23 November 2007 21:20 (eighteen years ago)

I has a 'congenital anosmia'

and that is way weird

is it a bad smell?

― Abbott, Friday, 23 November 2007 21:24 (eighteen years ago)

oh i forgot about that!

it smells a little bit like chemicals but i'm sure its usually mixed with BO and sex phermones

it could be worse

― Catsupppppppppppppp dude 茄蕃, Friday, 23 November 2007 21:25 (eighteen years ago)

It is a...very human smell.

― Laurel, Friday, 23 November 2007 21:26 (eighteen years ago)

We're mere human beings
We die...

It's destined........
They'll be punchin' tickets
For the minute you fall out of life

We're mere human beings we die

Desperate
It's destined

― Abbott, Friday, 23 November 2007 21:27 (eighteen years ago)

Semen = umami

― Mark C, Saturday, 24 November 2007 00:31 (eighteen years ago)

You have ruined shellfish and mushrooms forever.

― The Reverend, Saturday, 24 November 2007 06:18 (eighteen years ago)

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