More terrible jokes - the worse the better

because if he didn't he'd be ee-war woo-war!!

A. Vampire, the buffet slayer

A There's a letter E on his pyjamas

A weasel is weaselly wecognised while a stoat istoatally different.

quite hard 2 write that one down actually.

A: You don't know, man, you weren't there!

A: Cos it gives him the runs.

A: because Biryani comes with ricein.

A: They were suicide bummers.

A: One has weapons of mass destruction the other has weapons of ASS destruction.

A: Because it scares the dog.

A Roskilde

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return. Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."

"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."

She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?"

"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.

"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says .......

"Liver alone. Cheese mine."

The old man says "YOU'RE scared? I'm the one that has to walk out of here alone!"

Bartender says "Normally, two bucks, but for you buddy, NO CHARGE."

Just as they pass through the door, one stops the other and says "Dammit, I'm missing an electron!"

The other one says "Are you sure?"

The first one replies, "Yeah, I'M POSITIVE!"

A: When they are on duty.

(Read it out loud.)

With a crowbar.

Fsh

A: Rhubarb

Up his sleevies

1st sheep: Baaa
2nd sheep: Baaa
3rd sheep: Moo.
1st sheep: I beg your pardon?
2nd sheep: Why did you say that?
3rd sheep: I'm learning a foreign language.

So that they don't whistle on the way down

"Sorry, I'm not interested," says the girl.

The mushroom, undaunted, asks "Why not? I'm a fun-gi."

Sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.

> Late one Saturday night; a young chap was walking home from a club. It
> was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing. Most of the

> streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only broken by

> the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin. Then

> suddenly he heard a strange noise.......

>

>

>

>

>

> BUMP........

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> BUMP........

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> BUMP........

>

>

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>

>

>

> Startled by this, he turned, and to his amazement, through the driving

> rain, he saw the faint outline of a large box turning the corner.

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> BUMP........

>

>

>

>

>

>

> BUMP........

>

>

>

>

>

>

> BUMP........

>

>

>

>

>

> He froze to the spot, he couldn't believe his eyes, as the box approached

> from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more clearly....It

> was a coffin. Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and

> started walking briskly home.

>

>

>

>

> BUMP........

>

>

>

>

> BUMP........

>

>

>

>

> BUMP........

>

>

>

> He could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started walking

> faster.........

>

>

>

>

> BUMP........BUMP.......

>

>

>

>

> BUMP........BUMP.......

>

>

>

>

> BUMP........BUMP........

>

>

>

>

> The coffin was closing with his every step, he started to jog, but he

> heard the coffin speed up after him......

>

>

>

>

> BUMP......BUMP.....BUMP...

>

>

>

>

> BUMP......BUMP.....BUMP...

>

>

>

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> BUMP......BUMP.....BUMP...

>

>

>

>

> He started to sprint, but so did the coffin ......

>

>

>

>

> BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....

>

>

>

> BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....

>

>

>

> BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....

>

>

>

> Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was only

> seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his keys,

> his hand trembling, he managed to open the lock, he dived inside slamming the

> front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and slumped into his

> comfy chair......

>

>

>

>

>

> Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through

> the front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin

> allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued its

> chase....

>

>

> BUMP...SCREACH...BUMP...SCREACH...

>

>

>

> BUMP...SCREACH...BUMP...SCREACH...

>

>

>

> BUMP...SCREACH...BUMP...SCREACH...

>

>

>

> BUMP...SCREACH...BUMP...SCREACH...

>

>

>

> In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could

> take him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door........

>

>

>

>

> BUMP...SCREACH...HOP...BUMP...SCREACH...HOP...

>

>

>

>

> BUMP...SCREACH...HOP...BUMP...SCREACH...HOP...

>

>

>

>

> BUMP...SCREACH...HOP...BUMP...SCREACH...HOP...

>

>

>

>

> The coffin gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and launched

> itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the bathroom door

> flew off its hinges. The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to

> approach the young terrified lad.....

>

>

>

> BUMP...SCREACH...BUMP...SCREACH...

>

>

>

>

> BUMP...SCREACH...BUMP...SCREACH...

>

>

>

>

> BUMP...SCREACH...BUMP...SCREACH...

>

>

>

>

> In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached into his bathroom

> cabinet......

>

>

>

>

> He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at the

> coffin.......

>

>

>

>

> still it came ........

>

>

>

>

> BUMP...SCREACH...BUMP...SCREACH...

>

>

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>

> He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it ........

>

>

>

>

> still it came......

>

>

>

>

> BUMP...SCREACH...BUMP...SCREACH...

>

>

>

>

> He grabbed his Boots first aid kit and threw it .....

>

>

>

>

> still it came......

>

>

>

>

> BUMP...SCREACH...BUMP...SCREACH...

>

>

>

>

> He grabbed some Benylin cough mixture and threw it........

>

>

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>

> The coffin stopped

>

Bartender says "sure, but - why the big paws?"

:)

He says "ouch".

The barman says "hey - get out! We don't want your type in here".

The other one says "so are you, you fat bastard!"

"How sick are you ?" asks his boss.

"Well," he replies, "I'm in bed with my sister."

Shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the floor..

A man got in and accidentally elbowed her in the breast and said, "I'm sorry! But if your heart is as soft as your tit, you'll forgive me."

The woman replies, "If you dick is as hard as your elbow then I'm staying in room 113."

Roll-AIDS

Cos he's got tiny legs!

"Aye," says the leprechaun. "It's drivin' me nuts!"

IT: Good morning, IT Helpdesk. Can I help you?

Customer: Yes, hello. I seem to have lost access to the net

IT: OK. Let’s see if we can sort this out for you. Firstly let me take your name

Customer: Fernando Torres

That's far from terrible!

A store detective sees a lone child in his shop he goes up to them and says "Have you lost your mummy?" Kid says yes. "What's she like?" asks the store detective. The kid replies "Big dicks and vodka!"

did you hear about the award for dentist of the year?

it's a little plaque

remy I lol'd

Have you heard about the new Constipation movie?

It hasn't come out yet.

i was at home the other week watching some LPGA tournament with my dad (on the teevee), and a young korean contender is knelt down on the green evaluating its aspect for her impending putt, when he releases the timeless bon mot, "looks like there's more than one slope!"

you can take the dad out of the 'nam, but...

just about all of the literature that comes out of Iceland these days is about Vikings. Viking novels, plays, tv shows, movies, and comic books are hugely popular there, and while a few of them are the product of historical research, most are pure fantasy. after getting thousands of complaints from confused consumers, the Icelandic parliament recently passed a law requiring Viking-related works to attest to their veracity: today, all Viking fiction must bear the disclaimer, "All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental," and, fittingly, all Viking nonfiction must bear the disclaimer, "BASED ON A TRUE SNORRI."

just about all of the cultural products that come out of Iceland these days are about Vikings. Viking novels, plays, tv shows, movies, and comic books are hugely popular there, and while a few of them are the product of historical research, most are pure fantasy. after getting thousands of complaints from confused consumers, the Icelandic parliament recently passed a law requiring Viking-related works to attest to their level of veracity: today, all Viking fiction must bear the disclaimer, "All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental," and, fittingly, all Viking nonfiction must bear the disclaimer, "BASED ON A TRUE SNORRI."

*fixed* (slightly)

idg the fernando torres one. Is he a soccer player or something?

retired now but yeah

I'm thinking of starting a charity where daring women volunteer their bodies to men who can't get any normally. Its called Women Help (the) Ordinarily Rejected Enjoy Sex

one i came up with:

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Interuppting cow from Jersey
Interuppti-
FACK YOU!

retired now but yeah

Lol