YOU DON'T WANT TO DO THIS MAN, YOU DON'T WANT TO DO THIS

Dramatis Personae:
RINGO STARR, a Rainbow Trout
HUMPBACK TONNAGE, a Whale
SCHOOLLY D, a Software Engineer
VERA MYSTERIOUS, an Arabesque
DR. ADAM VON SCIENCE, an Ethan Hawke role

SCENE 1

It is the middle of the afternoon on a Saturday in a quiet neighborhood in late summer. The low hum of lawnmower engines is accompanied by chirping birds and the voices of children at play. RINGO STARR rolls up in his Toyota Scion xB drinking a wine cooler concealed by a paper bag through a long, twisting, looping hot pink straw. He parks at the curb in front of a one story house made out of cow skulls and banjos, the home of HUMPBACK TONNAGE. SCHOOLLY D answers the door.

RINGO: Hey Schoolly, what's cooking?
SCHOOLLY: Not much. Humpback's in the garage.
RINGO: Alright, man. Thanks. (pushes past SCHOOLLY)
SCHOOLLY (to himself): Rainbow Trout motherfucker.

RINGO walks through the house past SCHOOLLY and into the garage. HUMPBACK TONNAGE is seated at a drafting table drawing on a large piece of art board with a pen shaped like the Oscar Mayer weinermobile. An old, paint-splattered radio on a shelf above him is playing some Stooges.

RINGO: Whatcha up to, Mr. Tonnage?
HUMPBACK: Drawing.

RINGO peers over HUMPBACK'S shoulder. The picture on the desk is of two sweaty, buxom hermaphrodites with long flowing hair having sex with each other against a background of the Kremlin in winter.

RINGO: Nice!
HUMPBACK: Thanks. Want a beer or somethin'?
RINGO: No thanks, I'm set. I wanted to talk to you about those cartoons you sent to my mother.
HUMPBACK: What about it?
RINGO: My mother's never seen a penis before.
HUMPBACK: Oh.
RINGO: Yeah, it's okay for now. Just next time maybe draw like a football or something instead.
HUMPBACK: I'll just draw Tupac's face, how about that?
RINGO: That works.

SCHOOLLY comes into the garage looking upset. He is waving a telephone in the air.

SCHOOLLY: Mr. Tonnage, it's Vera Mysterious!

HUMPBACK looks alarmed. He gestures for the phone. SCHOOLLY turns around, bends over, and tosses it through the space between his legs. It hits the radio and bounces off of HUMPBACK's head into the slimy hand of RINGO.

RINGO: Hello, sweetheart!
VERA: Who is this?
RINGO: Ringo Starr, Rainbow Trout, what can I do for you?
VERA: Put Humpback on, it's an emergency, please.
RINGO (to himself, as he hands the phone carefully over to HUMPBACK): Time is on my side.
HUMPBACK: Hey, what's going on?
VERA: I've been kidnapped by Dr. Adam Von Science, he's going to use me for a cloning experiment.
HUMPBACK: Oh, shit. Fuck. Where are you? Oh, holy shit.
VERA: I don't know! He's got me locked in his trunk but he didn't remember to take my phone.
HUMPBACK: Where were you when you he threw you in the trunk?
VERA: Uh, the parking lot at work.
HUMPBACK: Okay, hang on, do you know where he might be taking you? Did he say anything?
VERA: He-

The phone signal dies. HUMPBACK presses the phone closer to his ear.

HUMPBACK: Hello? Hello? Hello? Damn it! (Ends call)
RINGO: What the fuck is going on?
HUMPBACK: Vera's been kidnapped by Dr. Adam Von Science, to be used in cloning experiments. She was in the parking lot of her job when he grabbed her. We don't know where he's headed.
RINGO: We should all get into my car, and try to rescue her.
SCHOOLLY: Okay.
HUMPBACK: Schoolly D, get my shotgun. (SCHOOLLY exits)
RINGO: Whoa.
HUMPBACK: This shotgun was given to me by David Lynch. It is restless, insolent and moves like a cat.

SCENE 2

RINGO, HUMPBACK and SCHOOLLY are barrelling across a huge suspension bridge in RINGO's Toyota Scion xB with all the windows rolled down. RINGO keeps a white-knuckled grip on the wheel as he weaves through traffic. HUMPBACK is in the passenger seat, with one arm out the window and the other holding the shotgun. SCHOOLLY is in the backseat, leaning forward so that he can hear what is being said over the wind.

RINGO: So where are we going?
HUMPBACK: To her workplace, where she was when she was taken by that... fiend. Maybe we can find a clue to where he's going with her.
RINGO: Well where did she fucking work, man? Who did she work for?
HUMPBACK: Oh, right, fuck. Uh, I think-
SCHOOLLY (shouting): Japan!!!
RINGO, HUMPBACK (in unison): What?
SCHOOLLY: She worked for Japan!
RINGO: Oh shit man.
HUMPBACK: Damn.
SCHOOLLY (still shouting) We're going to need a boat!
HUMPBACK: No, we won't need a boat.
RINGO: We won't?
HUMPBACK: Ringo, give the wheel to Schoolly D.
RINGO: What? (confused, lets SCHOOLLY climb up front and grab the steering wheel)
HUMPBACK: Schoolly, take this car back to my house. Call the President and tell him what's going on. Keep your phone with you but don't call me, I'll call you if I need anything.
SCHOOLLY: Making it happen.
HUMPBACK: You're sure she worked for Japan?
SCHOOLLY: Positive, brother.
RINGO: What are we doing?
HUMPBACK: This!

HUMPBACK leaps out of the speeding Toyota and over the side of the bridge with the shotgun strapped on his back. RINGO, now in the passenger seat, looks back at SCHOOLLY. He begins to say something, but SCHOOLLY just squints and nods his head. RINGO shuts his mouth, turns, and follows HUMPBACK into the ocean. SCHOOLLY turns on the radio, which begins playing INXS' "New Sensation" at top volume. A brief montage of RINGO and HUMPBACK swimming at incredible speeds past an array of boat hulls and beautiful sea life ensues.

SCENE 3

RINGO and HUMPBACK arrive on the coast of Japan, climbing out from the waves inexplicably dressed in brand new cowboy shirts. HUMPBACK shrugs the shotgun off of his back and wrings the water out of it.

HUMPBACK: Now we have to find the parking lot.
RINGO (pointing): I think that's it!
HUMPBACK: That's not a parking lot. Wait, yes it is.

RINGO and HUMPBACK walk towards a giant parking lot, full of clean, shining cars. They find VERA'S abandoned vehicle, a convertible Volkswagen Beetle.

HUMPBACK: See anything?
RINGO: Here, look at this!
HUMPBACK: What is it?

RINGO points at a set of footprints leading away from the car. HUMPBACK fires his shotgun at the footprints, which immediately sets off a huge explosion, throwing them and the Volkswagen hundreds of feet through the air. They crash into a snow-cone vendor's kiosk.

RINGO: That son of a bitch Von Science! He left explosive footprints!
HUMPBACK: There is not enough money in the world to buy all these snow-cones!
RINGO: That's it! Snow-cones! My mother loves snow-cones!
HUMPBACK: It just might work!

SCENE 4

DR. ADAM VON SCIENCE is applying pomade to his hair in his laboratory, a huge bright room with a domed ceiling full of glass cylinder shapes and stainless steel gadgets. Speakers mounted on the walls provide a constant barrage of chart hip hop. Apple Computer products are visible all over the place. In the center of the room, strapped to a flat metal table, is VERA MYSTERIOUS in her underwear.

VON SCIENCE: I wish I almost had the chance to give you what you never knew you always wanted, deep down.
VERA: What are you going to do with me?
VON SCIENCE: You know what I'm talking about, that place you never go except in your darkest moments, when everything else is alone, and you can no longer trust yourself, when the truth is afraid of you.
VERA: What?
VON SCIENCE: Before long, you'll know all the answers, but you'll still be asking yourself one question, a question nobody else ever thought to ask, a question that can only be answered by the future, which is where you're going to take me.
VERA: It's really cold in here.

VON SCIENCE picks up an iPod from a counter and drops into a beaker of club soda. He pours white rum and blue curacao into the beaker, stirs it once with a glass rod, and strains the contents into a crystal glass. He stares at the glass for a very long time without moving a muscle. Busta Rhymes comes over the hi-fi.

VERA: Hello? Doctor?
VON SCIENCE (sipping from glass, nodding his head): Do my thang, let me do my thang. Do my thang, let me do my thang.

SCENE 5

RINGO, HUMPBACK and SCHOOLLY D stand behind the counter at their newly opened snow-cone franchise. Hundreds of Japanese schoolgirls are lines up to purchase the damn things. RINGO takes the money, HUMPBACK scoops the ice into paper cups, and SCHOOLLY squirts various syrups from a rainbow of plastic bottles to create the finished product. The snow-cone stand is a smashing success. The only real expense comes in the form of overhead, and thanks to their location (directly under the genitalia of a one hundred and fifty foot anatomically correct statue of Afro Ken™) they can bring in enough dough to cover the lease in a single Monday afternoon. Over the store's PA can be heard the pulse of Murray Head's "One Night In Bangkok."

RINGO: That'll be ¥150. Hey, Mr. Tonnage, did you figure out where Dr. Adam Von Science keeps his secret laboratory?
HUMPBACK: No, I still haven't been able to determine where those explosive footprints were leading to. I've been asking around the underground, trying to find out if anybody knows where he hangs out.
SCHOOLLY: Dr. Adam Von Science isn't stupid, man. He knows we're looking for him! What do you want? Grape? This one? Pineapple? I don't know what this one is. Okay.
HUMPBACK: Hey Schoolly D, do you think you could create a computer program to help find Vera Mysterious for us?
SCHOOLLY: Orange orange orange orange orange orange... here we go. What? I could try that. I'll use Linux!
RINGO: Linux? That's free!
SCHOOLLY: You want which one? This one? OK.
HUMPBACK: Linux is free?
RINGO: Snow-cone metaphor!

Murray Head says "I get my kicks above the waistline, sunshine." RINGO, HUMPBACK, and SCHOOLLY sell snow-cones to schoolgirls in the shadow of a statue's balls.

RINGO (to himself): Time is on my side!

SCENE 6

SCHOOLLY D is seated at a computer in a darkened room late that night, leaning over the keyboard, face inches away from the screen. He types commands in at a rapid pace. Suddenly, the door opens, and he turns, startled. HUMPBACK stands there with a pile of cash, the day's takings.

HUMPBACK: How is it going?
SCHOOLLY: I keep getting PSK errors.
HUMPBACK: PSK? What does it mean?
SCHOOLLY: It doesn't make any sense! I can't figure out why it would keep returning the same error every time I try to perform a search, unless...
HUMPBACK: Unless what? Unless Ringo and Dr. Adam Von Science are the same person?
SCHOOLLY: Exactly! But that doesn't make any sense!
RINGO: I'm afraid it does.

RINGO steps out of the shadows where he has been standing the entire time. He reaches his belt and presses a button, causing the hologram of RINGO to flicker and disappear. DR. ADAM VON SCIENCE stands revealed before HUMPBACK and SCHOOLLY with a menacing glare.

VON SCIENCE: For what it's worth, the snow-cone business is making a shit-ton of money.
SCHOOLLY: Holy shit! Oh my God!
HUMPBACK (looks at huge wad of cash): Why snow-cones? Why now?
VON SCIENCE: Because it's the only thing that will bring my mother back! She loved snow-cones more than anything!
SCHOOLLY: What the fuck?
HUMPBACK: I think I see where he's going with this. Is this about those cartoons with the penises again?

VON SCIENCE produces a dry-erase board and a blue marker. He begins to sketch a plan.

VON SCIENCE: I'm going to create a clone of Vera Mysterious as the physical avatar. Then, I'll put her on top of the Afro-Ken™ statue exactly one week from tonight, when there is going to be a full lunar eclipse right over us! When the eclipse arrives, I will focus a beam of energy through the clone's body down to the snow-cone stand! This will create some kind of shit happening that will bring back my mother's soul and place it in the body of Vera's clone.
SCHOOLLY: But if you do that, you'll create a redundant paradox in the space-time apartment complex and piss off God! He might blow up the planet!
HUMPBACK: Yeah, we can't let you do that.
VON SCIENCE: You can't stop me!

VON SCIENCE runs out of the room and slams the door closed. HUMPBACK and SCHOOLLY rush to chase him, but the door has been locked from the outside. They smash down the door, but VON SCIENCE is nowhere to be seen.

HUMPBACK: Where did he say he was going to be a week from tonight?
SCHOOLLY: Top of the Afro-Ken™.

SCENE 7

One week later, DR. ADAM VON SCIENCE is standing at the top of the Afro-Ken™ statue in the moonlight. Next to him, bound to a pole sticking out of the Afro, is VERA MYSTERIOUS, kind of whimpering, kind of pissed off.

VON SCIENCE: Soon...
VERA: What the hell do you mean you can't figure out how to clone an adult human being?
VON SCIENCE: Hush! Quiet!
VERA: Damn you, you mousy-looking liar! You mama's boy! You...

VON SCIENCE slaps VERA across the face.

VON SCIENCE: I told you to shut up! It's very close now!

The moon starts to fall under the shadow of the Earth. The night sky darkens. All of a sudden, HUMPBACK and SCHOOLLY D descend out of the sky with parachutes, landing on the Afro behind VERA.

VON SCIENCE: Fools! You-

HUMPBACK aims his shotgun and fires. VON SCIENCE explodes into a confetti disaster. SCHOOLLY unties VERA. The lunar eclipse continues to progress.

HUMPBACK: Wait! What about the energy beam?
SCHOOLLY: Oh shit!
VERA: What?
HUMPBACK: Are you the clone?
VERA: No! The dumb son of a bitch forgot how to clone people or something! I'm the real Vera Mysterious!
HUMPBACK: Huh. Nice to meet you.
SCHOOLLY: The energy beam in the snow cone stand is going to go off!

The eclipse reaches totality. The roof of the snow-cone kiosk glows, then bursts as a ray of light appears, shining brightly upwards towards the darkened moon. The beam melts one of Afro Ken™'s giant testicles off, which falls straight down onto their small entrepreneurial venture, destroying the kiosk and the energy beam apparatus with it.

SCHOOLLY: Jesus fucking Christ.
VERA: What happened?
HUMPBACK: Never mind.
VERA: How do we get down?

The moon comes back out of the umbra, illuminating the three of them standing atop the statue. From somewhere, Siousxie & The Banshee's "Cities In Dust" begins to play. Fade to black.

THE END.