You can tell a lot about people from the kind of friend they are

Real answer later. For now: better than I fear, worse than I hope, probably in equal measures.

i think im a friend like you. i feel a bit bad/sad about it on occasion but im learning to just accept thats how i am, and it doesnt have to be a bad thing.

I used to think I was a really good friend to people - reliable, trustworthy, generally looking out for my mates etc. In light of some recent events, I'm not sure about any of that any more, and I don't like it.

Matt DC OTFM.

you think matt DC is a crap friend?

He shagged Mark's mum.

motherfucker!

I saw Matt in the pub at lunchtime!! This should be on the random ILX meetings thread :(

p.s. if he had my mum, good luck to him! Interesting tasten in women for a good-looking 20-something...

I am a very annoying friend. So you are the ying to my obnoxious yang. I pay for it via long distance - I'm old and don't have a cell phone. I just saw some old friends and realized why we don't have to talk that much - after awhile, all you can do is talk about yourself, and shared memories become stale. Take pictures and remember. Eat cookies. Dark chocolate surrounding coconut cookies.

(xpost to the original post again)

I think a LOT of people are that kind of friend now, at a time when people are more geographically dispersed than ever before. Obviously there are other explanations for people's frequency in phoning, writing etc.

But I don't think close friendship is about being physically there, or even necessarily reminding people of your physical existence by calling a lot. Being a good friend might be a lot more about whether you know in your heart that you would be there in a shot if they needed you, or about feeling utterly comfortable together on the times you DO see each other.

It's more of a problem when the two people involved in a friendship have unequal needs/expectations (stating the obvious now). If you had a friend who took it as a compulsory token of friendship to be phoned once a month, and you didn't phone them once a month, then yes you would probably count as a bad friend to that person. There are people you drift apart from because you have nothing in common any more, and then there are people you drift apart from because one of you hasn't met the other's expectations in some way. If neither of you change then it can be just as final a split as the other sort.

I do think about my friends when I'm not around them. I'm not that great at keeping in touch with distant people any more, now that SO MANY people I know are far away (it feels like an impossible task to keep up with everyone) but I hope they know that they're not out of my thoughts.

I keep trying to compose a reply to this, then give up.

In many ways, I can be an awful friend - I'm demanding, draining, I hold my friends to impossibly high standards. But I can also be a good friend - I'm forgiving, and usually give people second or third chances. I'm not a good listener, but I'm a good co-bitcher.

I get angry at friends who don't make as big of an effort as I do - friends that don't call me or come and see me as often as I see them. But I am often the chaser in friendships.

One of the things I like about ILX is that it's not a chaser/chasee situation. There are social occasions, and you can attend or not attend as you see fit, without its being any person's obligation.

Long term friends... this is strange, because I don't have many. This is because I've lived in so many different places that my long term friends are scattered all around the world. Really *good* long term friends are the ones that you can actually not speak to for over a year, but when you make contact again, you still have the ability to connect. I count myself lucky to have several friends like that, even though most of the people I grew up with, so to speak, have scattered or I've never seen them again.

It's like there are several levels of friendship - superficial, medium-intense, and lifelong.

Yeah, I think I'm a good friend to the life-longers, there are 5 of them, I can't really imagine losing touch with them. Most of the people I call friends I have known for years, and talk to and meet up with on a regular basis - we haven't left the general area. I know I can be disappointing sometimes, like in terms of going to places and trying new things.

I have been thinking about this a lot lately since I see my best friends less and less (since they've scattered), and my drinkin buddies close by are less and less interesting to hang with, so I've begun avoiding them. Am I getting old or boring or something?

omg mcd you are me! i want to post to this thread when i'm back at home so i can focus properly with no interuptions

It's a little depressing.

depressing that you are me? gee thanx etc

No... Depressing that I now avoid my friends.

I'm a friend like A None E Mouse and my close friend is more like Kate. In that he is more likely to be the one who initiates phonecalls etc. It strangely seems to work though. Though that just be my opinion on it.

He knows I'm an introverted forgetful fool. I know he is highly strung and can be passionate about things almost to a blinkered degree. Maybe the opposites thing works. The same attitude to music and films obviously helps as well.

mcd-I get that my drinking buddies/friends are getting boring to hang about with thing sometimes. It's usually when I feel my life is in a rut, so is maybe a weird way of projecting or whatever.

or
They may just be boring. :-)