Wanting the one I can never have

I realise this solution would probably not be too healthy for most, but it works for me.

Perhaps that's just torturing myself. There's nothing healthy about any of this...

It is, indeed, an awful feeling.

Meanwhile, I'm just barely sedated in a kind of limbo.

She knows what I think of her I suspect, but how could I ever ask her to turn her life upside down for me?!

No sympathy being looked for incidentally.

It's not that I don't feel anything for my current partner anymore, but love changes over time. When, all of a sudden, you realise that there is someone else who rocks your world, it's hard to know what that should mean for your existing relationship. I don't want to ruin anyone's life - least of all my own.

PinXor - I didn't use to think that it was possible to be in love with two people at the same time. Turns out that it is!

Cheers for the feedback guys.

Having experienced this, I hope I will NEVER put myself in this kind of situation again. I'll know the signs in advance and will be better equipped to nip it in the bud.

Pinxor, I believe it's better to stay when there are children involved provided there is no obvious abuse going on. Anyone looking in on my situation would not have a clue that this is going on - it all appears perfectly normal, whatever that is.

Also, I'm not actually unhappy any longer. Because I have a certain amount of contact with the other person, I'm able to have better relationships at home.

I know this appears supremely selfish, because it is.

Penelope - you're not my 'other woman' are you?!?

maybe.... but would she be if she knew your heart is elsewhere? so sad

PinXor - of course she will, as long as I don't tell her about any of this. She knows that something is wrong with me, but until I know what I'm going to do about this, how could I tell her? Perhaps it will pass.

This is all very interesting, but it doesn't change the cruel facts: I want 'her', she might want me, we're both unavailable, so that's that. As I said, I'm not looking to hurt people here.

If you can't leave her, then at least tell her and let her make up her own mind.

I think that, like Pink, if you're genuinely happy with another person, the *need* to fall in love with someone else shouldn't be there. Which leads me to believe that, in order to allow your subconscious to have these feelings, you must be dissatisfied with your current relationship, and *that* is probably the key to the whole thing.

Anyway, it IS hurtful and deceitful, no excuses.

Like I said, it's deceitful and I wish I'd never gotten into it.

I fell in love with someone else, I'm not sure I chose that particularly but I did choose to pursue it.

first situation: met a guy just as he was getting ready to propose to his long-distance girlfriend. all his friends thought it was a mistake. he did it anyway. they were still 'allowed' to date other people until he graduated, and we started seeing each other. he got serious (more serious than me). invited me out to ny for new years eve. he told me over the phone that he'd told her things were over. arrived to find that wasn't true. spent new year's day watching the rose bowl with both of them. at the end of the day, they 'talked', and she handed me the ring and said 'take care of him'. hello, drama.

we dated for several more months, he wanted to put his life on hold for a year until i graduated, i didn't feel comfortable with that, we broke up, he moved far away. we stayed in touch, though, and even though he was bitter about it for a few years, things are ok now. met him and his new girlfriend last summer, he's really happy with her, and so glad he didn't end up with the original fiancee. now's he's engaged again and really really happy.

second story: i fell in love, he (i found out later) fell in love. he did the emotional retard thing of resisting being in love. i dumped him, even though it broke my heart. he got engaged (on the rebound, to be fair). didn't see him for a year, invited him out to prove to myself that i was over it, wasn't over it, hung out a few times, pulled away because he was engaged. then he wasn't engaged anymore. but, even though i'm still in love with him, and think he's in love with me, just can't do it anymore.

so, there you go. two situations where i've been 'in the middle' and gotten the person i wasn't supposed to have. on the one hand, neither worked out in the long term, so maybe a waste of their former relationships? on the other hand, maybe for the best that they found out they weren't totally happy?

sorry if this is rambling and doesn't make sense....(and lots of xposts)

Penelope - it's heartening to hear that I'm not the only person to have gone through this. I would prefer not to have fallen for someone 'else', but now that I have, it throws everything into flux.

None of this helps the fact that when lightning strikes, you cannot just make a conscious decision to ignore it. It takes all my willpower to avoid doing something stupid and risk hurting all involved.

wow, that's a brutal new year's day. epic, though

yep. turned it into his first screenplay...

I guess this is the part that PinXor and I struggle with. You might feel that way, but I just don't see how it could be the underlying truth.

I'm not sure I agree with this.

(I accept there might be meta-sensible and grown up people out there who actually could have this discussion, sort out the proble and remain happy in their relationship, but it's so far from my personal beliefs that it's really hard to swallow)

You may want to think a bit about your relationship though. Sometimes you fall in love with or crush on others, not because of them, but because it's a way for your subconscious to tell you that you're not happy with something and want a way out. Maybe there are things in your relationship you can change, or work on.

No, because if he thinks that he might still want to carry on with his current relationship, it's not a 'dumping speech'. Then she can leave him if she wants.

As PinXor said: "lying to them is going to hurt more than if you came clean ended it & gave her the chance to find someone who loves her and only her."

Best of luck with everything, Jon.

This hasn't gone quite as I'd hoped. It's all very well pretending that these kind of problems have easy, concrete answers which could or should be acted upon.

However, in my case there really is no happy ending for all involved. Given the choice, I wish I could forget all about it and rewind the tape, but only someone who has walked in my shoes could understand that..

Thanks for the input.

x-post

Come to think of it, what am I doing on this thread at all?

And there's the problem. He might not want her to leave (though, I guess, if he does want to end it but doesn't have the balls to, this may be a way out)!

Nick, it's possible to have worries, doubts etc. within a relationship without having to share them all. Especially if a) you'll hurt your SO if you tell them and b) there's a chance things will resolve themselves without having to hurt them. If we were all open/emo about all our worries, long-term relationships would be almost impossible for anyone with egos and/or insecurities, i.e. all of us.

There's nothing wrong with wanting a relationship to be perfect and working towards that, but at the same time accepting that it's always going to be a flawed compromise, and using pragmatism alongside emotional outpourings, means you're most likely to find a balance that works for you both.

But isn't that horribly selfish?

I know its wrong to go way off topic at this stage in the thread but...there's nothing that wrong with grateful dead bootlegs.

carry on...

but is life a big relationship shopping mall? where you continuously look for the better deal? and trade up if need be? (which always has enormous risk). is it about connections and experience? constantly pursuing the newest adventure to learn and feel? or do you have a greater responsible to the people you have around you, to your past and your loved ones?

you see all life has to offer and you see the case for complications and polyamoury etc. but that does not really take into account jealousy, pride, and the intense existential irrationality of love. (and you curse the irony of life that seems to give you a drought or a monsoon.)

so.....uh, it's a tough, complicated, highly personal balance. and i have no answer.