How much have you learned from previous relationships, indeed CAN you learn?

Paying close attention can minimize the number of repetitions required for you to gain relative mastery, but nothing on earth can keep you from taking missteps in each new relationship.

don't be too optimistic.

always carry a gun.

1) don't fall in love with someone just because they say nice things. judge your partner by their actions not their words.
2) know know know what you want and need and be able to speak about it. if you don't feel able to say what you want, then work at it. if your partner doesn't respect your wants and needs, then you are in the wrong relationship. (this doesn't mean your partner has to do everything you want, just that you should feel safe to negotiate the terms of your relationship without being bludgeoned with such terms as 'emotional' or 'hysterical') don't let your partner tell you that they need only show you affection in the bedroom. that is fucked.
3) rebound is a bad bad bad idea.
4) be honest and communicative. even if you're saying something your partner doesn't want to hear (i don't mean being accusatory of them, but telling them if you have done something wrong or if you have an idea about your relationship they mightn't like). if you can't talk about it like adults then your relationship probably isn't based on anything solid.

Things you once thought were perhaps neutral-to-hot, and realise are actualy HUGE HUGE RUN-AWAY FLASHING SIGNS.

Obviously there are extreme cases to prove me wrong, like people trying to read your emails or something like that.

I was talking to a friend the other day, he was talking about how in his new relationship, they ahve decided to be nonexclusive, for a very good reason I will not explain here. At any rate, his last serious gf basically just fucked him over (long saga involving cheating, pregnancy, marriage, more cheating), and it makes him v. apprehensive to get into a relationship and be ok with the idea of nonexclusivity, no matter how valid the reasons for it, but he's trying to approach it with an open mind, deciding that this is NOT his ex-gf, this is a totally different person with totally different outlook and this doesn't mean he's going to get fucked over again, so he needs to step back and be ok with things.

And yeah, I told him he was right, it is better to take from your old relationship what YOU can handle and be strong about rather than "women act like this" sort of thing. I mean, there have been a couple of incidences, to speak of me, that if they were with my last long-term bf, it would've indicated something really, really horrible and threatening was going on, but I'm not dating that person anymore and I've basically stepped back and realized it really isn't necessarily DANGER DANGER DANGER and that certain things I can just let go.

So that is a long way of saying "I have only learned things about myself and the fact that I can recover and that I cannot save other people" and that I have come to, perhaps naively, still not regard things as warning signs, danger signs, whatever you want to call them.

A totally unbalanced overreaction in subsequent relationships is not much "learning" as "being traumatized."

But some things really are DANGER cubed, and I think it's better to have your warning bells sound the alarm and then sort through the merits of the case, than remain oblivious and allow yourself to be victimized/used/done wrooong AGAIN.

I think the thing to do is to seperate out "now I know that WOMEN ACT LIKE THIS" and "now I know that /I/ can't be having with this". I know I'm never gonna try non-exclusivity again, but that's not because I got screwed over or anything, more that it's something I thought I could deal with that I really just can't.

OTMFM. ally, pls be around the wkend after next so i can buy you a drink.

I have learned other things but they require diagrams.

Sometimes I think I've become a bit more grumpy as a result but I'm not that worried.

But now I'm thinking that the biggest thing I've learned from my last relationship is that I just don't *want* to be in a relationship.

although i've thought about trying the thoughtless and destructive thing again lately, just for kicks.

Don't date over the web.

1st - someone wanting to sleep with you != loving you.

2nd - don't let someone else call ALL the shots however much you are in love with them and don't mind at the time; when it ends you will feel humiliated.

3rd - just because someone is 12 years older than you, it doesn't mean they are more mature.

4th - don't mistake your need for companionship for love.

5th - don't have long-distance relationships.

Har de har.

What I mean is: we met and got to know each other online, decided we liked each other enough to meet up in real life, ended up sleeping together, tried dating "for real", I wanted a girlfriend, she wanted a long distance fling, much hilarity and heartache ensued.

5th - don't have long-distance relationships.

O

T

M

!!!

Speaking as a guy, I'd much rather deal with a woman who can

a) call me on my bulllshit as it happens

and

b) get mad at me right there on the spot, if needed.

I've actually ended relationships over passive-aggressive episodes.

heheh. yeah, how do you solve that one?

i learn from it every day. and she just brought me a cup of tea.

(sickening, isn't it?)

aren't there interesting parallels in the reasons for band break ups and romantic breakups? For example, if you disagree abt levels of commitment.

"I'm just in this for fun" vs. "I'm desperate to get married/signed"

"I want kids/sell-out world tours or platinum albums".

NZ is so sparsely peopled that some get cold and so in the 21stC only do "virtual" long-distance(s). Most can't hack non-exclusives in NZ as everybody knows everybody. Some people claim celibacy a lot whilst some claim a low rent platonic coffe-house. Is this other seemingly different sort of long-term relationship included ?

(of course these same exclusives/non-events-at-home will go off to have multiple virtual "exlusives" set up around the world).

I'm never being in another relationship again, ever.