jokes that won't work on ILX

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i'm on a "see-food" diet

― s1ocki (slutsky), Wednesday, 22 September 2004 02:19 (twenty-one years ago)

twat did you say, i cunt hear you?

― cutty (mcutt), Wednesday, 22 September 2004 02:23 (twenty-one years ago)

You're both wrong! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!

― Bryan (Bryan), Wednesday, 22 September 2004 02:23 (twenty-one years ago)

Cutty, how on earth do you pronounce 'twat' so that joke works in real life?

― Kevin Gilchrist (Mr Fusion), Wednesday, 22 September 2004 02:47 (twenty-one years ago)

TWHAT.

― cutty (mcutt), Wednesday, 22 September 2004 02:51 (twenty-one years ago)

So that it rhymes with 'not'? You're strange.

― Kevin Gilchrist (Mr Fusion), Wednesday, 22 September 2004 02:52 (twenty-one years ago)

I know a lot of people who pronounce twat that way actually...I never heard it said as "twatt" until I saw the Fast Show.

― Trayce (trayce), Wednesday, 22 September 2004 03:00 (twenty-one years ago)

Anyway on with the thread! =)

― Trayce (trayce), Wednesday, 22 September 2004 03:01 (twenty-one years ago)

Where do you live, Trayce?

― Kevin Gilchrist (Mr Fusion), Wednesday, 22 September 2004 03:01 (twenty-one years ago)

I'm Australian.

― Trayce (trayce), Wednesday, 22 September 2004 03:02 (twenty-one years ago)

Mind you I may have just always said it totally wrong =) But Aussies do tend t'wards the flat vowels.

― Trayce (trayce), Wednesday, 22 September 2004 03:02 (twenty-one years ago)

so, earl's court? (shit xpost!)

― mark p (Mark P), Wednesday, 22 September 2004 03:03 (twenty-one years ago)

Haha Mark :D

― Trayce (trayce), Wednesday, 22 September 2004 03:04 (twenty-one years ago)

Who says twat like hat? I think the judge of whether or not I like a person is the "What's brown and sticky?" joke. If you laugh at "A stick!" then you pass.

― Bryan (Bryan), Wednesday, 22 September 2004 03:04 (twenty-one years ago)

I dunno about saying it wrong, but I have never heard anyone say it like that (or known people do, until tonight). Ah well. I guess the joke doesn't work on ILX because it dissolves into an English Language debate.

x-post Most British people say twat to rhyme with hat. Twat-hat, if you will, like ass-hat.

― Kevin Gilchrist (Mr Fusion), Wednesday, 22 September 2004 03:06 (twenty-one years ago)

what has two thumbs and thinks you're the cat's pajamas

― mark p (Mark P), Wednesday, 22 September 2004 03:07 (twenty-one years ago)

The only joke I can think of that I guess wont work in print is "dickhead says what?" (which yr supposed to mumble real fast so the other person says "what?" of course)

― Trayce (trayce), Wednesday, 22 September 2004 03:09 (twenty-one years ago)

Someone tried to type out the Knock Knock- interrupting whatever joke on another thread. It made it sound complicated.

― Kevin Gilchrist (Mr Fusion), Wednesday, 22 September 2004 03:10 (twenty-one years ago)

mark p, is the answer the same one as the answer to ''what has two thumbs and likes blowjobs?"

― tokyo rosemary (rosemary), Wednesday, 22 September 2004 03:12 (twenty-one years ago)

it's like you see right into me

― mark p (Mark P), Wednesday, 22 September 2004 03:13 (twenty-one years ago)

Knock knock?
Who's there?
Janet!
Janet who?
Janitors are also called caretakers!

(Stolen from an incredibly lame 101 jokebook collection. It isn't funny on ILX or in any other place in the universe)

― Towelette Pettatucci (Homosexual II), Wednesday, 22 September 2004 03:13 (twenty-one years ago)

Wow I dont even get it :/

― Trayce (trayce), Wednesday, 22 September 2004 03:16 (twenty-one years ago)

Joke books are the best things ever. Man, they can be big. "Ultra-jokes! 1 million jokes" etc., that are the size of Ulysses and make as much sense.

― Kevin Gilchrist (Mr Fusion), Wednesday, 22 September 2004 03:17 (twenty-one years ago)

the unfunniest koan ever:

q: why did the chicken cross the road?
a: fuck you.

― Eisbär (llamasfur), Wednesday, 22 September 2004 03:18 (twenty-one years ago)

Then why am I cracking up at it? xxpost

― oops (Oops), Wednesday, 22 September 2004 03:22 (twenty-one years ago)

"good grief! the comedian's a bear!"

― Cripps Pink (Jody Beth Rosen), Wednesday, 22 September 2004 03:23 (twenty-one years ago)

no soap radio

― Eisbär (llamasfur), Wednesday, 22 September 2004 03:26 (twenty-one years ago)

what's tim conway?

― Cripps Pink (Jody Beth Rosen), Wednesday, 22 September 2004 03:27 (twenty-one years ago)

C*l*m's shtick.

― Leeeter van den Hoogenband (Leee), Wednesday, 22 September 2004 03:45 (twenty-one years ago)

I have to admit, silly dad's jokes like "whats brown and sticky? A stick" leave me helpless with giggling. I'm daft.

― Trayce (trayce), Wednesday, 22 September 2004 03:46 (twenty-one years ago)

HI D3RE! MINE DOES YOU ANIMAL HATING JEWS!

― NOTREALLY(OBVIOUSLY) (x Jeremy), Wednesday, 22 September 2004 03:46 (twenty-one years ago)

no, you're COOL, Trayce

― Bryan (Bryan), Wednesday, 22 September 2004 03:47 (twenty-one years ago)

WTF? People say "twat" so it rhymes with "hat"?!

― sundar subramanian (sundar), Wednesday, 22 September 2004 03:49 (twenty-one years ago)

People dont?!

― Kevin Gilchrist (Mr Fusion), Wednesday, 22 September 2004 03:49 (twenty-one years ago)

Here we go again...

― Trayce (trayce), Wednesday, 22 September 2004 03:50 (twenty-one years ago)

twat rhymes with watt

― Bryan (Bryan), Wednesday, 22 September 2004 03:51 (twenty-one years ago)

... and people who like (naomi) watts are creepy.therefore, you're all big homo freakazoids...

thank you.

― ex-jeremy (x Jeremy), Wednesday, 22 September 2004 03:53 (twenty-one years ago)

how do you capture a unique bear?
you unique up on him!!

har har har

― Eisbär (llamasfur), Wednesday, 22 September 2004 03:59 (twenty-one years ago)

twat rhymes with watt

"say captain, i say 'twat'"

― Eisbär (llamasfur), Wednesday, 22 September 2004 04:06 (twenty-one years ago)

"Hold your tonge in your fingers and say 'I was born on a pirate ship'"

― Trayce (trayce), Wednesday, 22 September 2004 04:23 (twenty-one years ago)

Dammit I cant spell today. Too much document writing is frying my brainmeats.

― Trayce (trayce), Wednesday, 22 September 2004 04:24 (twenty-one years ago)

haha that joke takes me back

"now do it and say 'my teacher is an apple'"

― oops (Oops), Wednesday, 22 September 2004 04:25 (twenty-one years ago)

Too much document writing is frying my brainmeats.

and too much document review has made ME actually try holding my tongue and saying "i was born on a pirate ship"!

― Eisbär (llamasfur), Wednesday, 22 September 2004 04:25 (twenty-one years ago)

and too much fighting with my roommate, rehearsal of dialogue for a role i'm performing wednesday, and general fuckduckery has me doing hte same. I should just stand in front of the camera, and on the action spout off "I was born on a pirate ship" instead of my lines. Would be tops, no?

― ex-jeremy (x Jeremy), Wednesday, 22 September 2004 04:27 (twenty-one years ago)

I've never known a play that couldn't be improved with more pirates.

― Kevin Gilchrist (Mr Fusion), Wednesday, 22 September 2004 04:28 (twenty-one years ago)

Would be tops, no?

if yer two roomates end up having dirty anal sex on my white couch, which one would be "tops"?

― Eisbär (llamasfur), Wednesday, 22 September 2004 04:29 (twenty-one years ago)

YOUR white couch, not mine!

― Eisbär (llamasfur), Wednesday, 22 September 2004 04:30 (twenty-one years ago)

nooooo! I just found out my oldest friend is getting married! I'm at information overload right now!

― ex-jeremy (x Jeremy), Wednesday, 22 September 2004 04:31 (twenty-one years ago)

Q: What's this? (Accompanied by hand gesture.)
A: Nope. It's a bowler with a leg-cramp!

― dave225 (Dave225), Wednesday, 22 September 2004 11:26 (twenty-one years ago)

I suspect the hilarious comedy pratfall I just executed won't get too many laughs on ILX.

― Martin Skidmore (Martin Skidmore), Wednesday, 22 September 2004 11:29 (twenty-one years ago)

Where, Martin?

― Kevin Gilchrist (Mr Fusion), Wednesday, 22 September 2004 11:32 (twenty-one years ago)

What's this?

I dunno, but here comes another one.

― beanz (beanz), Wednesday, 22 September 2004 11:34 (twenty-one years ago)

What's this?

A dead one of these.

― beanz (beanz), Wednesday, 22 September 2004 11:35 (twenty-one years ago)

I'm wearing comedy big shoes!!

― Markelby (Mark C), Wednesday, 22 September 2004 11:53 (twenty-one years ago)

Is this milk pasteurized?
(waves it in front of face)
NOW it is.

― jocelyn (Jocelyn), Wednesday, 22 September 2004 12:14 (twenty-one years ago)

FUCK OFF, IT'S MAGIC

― punk rock magician (nickalicious), Wednesday, 22 September 2004 12:20 (twenty-one years ago)

I have just attacked someone with a boxing glove on the end of a spring.

― Jarlr'mai (jarlrmai), Wednesday, 22 September 2004 12:23 (twenty-one years ago)

what winks and makes love like a tiger?

― ken c (ken c), Wednesday, 22 September 2004 12:38 (twenty-one years ago)

*wink*

― ken c (ken c), Wednesday, 22 September 2004 12:38 (twenty-one years ago)

That's the best joke EVER, Ken.

― Huk-L, Wednesday, 22 September 2004 13:45 (twenty-one years ago)

Q: You know what the best part is about making love to twenty nine year-olds?
A: That there are twenty of them.

― sexyDancer, Wednesday, 22 September 2004 14:05 (twenty-one years ago)

A man came up to me and said, "Noodles, your hair is thinning." Well who wants fat hair?

― Huk-L, Wednesday, 22 September 2004 14:07 (twenty-one years ago)

That's going to be the title of the documentary I'm going to make on going bald.

― Huk-L, Wednesday, 22 September 2004 14:08 (twenty-one years ago)

Heard the one about the pirate movie?

It was rated ARRRRRRRRRRR!!!!

― Tantrum The Cat (Tantrum The Cat), Wednesday, 22 September 2004 14:28 (twenty-one years ago)

What?

― Huk-L, Wednesday, 22 September 2004 14:31 (twenty-one years ago)

My Carmina Burana joke. I've told it twice on ILX to no effect.

― Jordan (Jordan), Wednesday, 22 September 2004 14:33 (twenty-one years ago)

"i'll take the soup."

― Cripps Pink (Jody Beth Rosen), Wednesday, 22 September 2004 14:51 (twenty-one years ago)

SexyDancer, that made me laugh out loud!

― Markelby (Mark C), Wednesday, 22 September 2004 14:54 (twenty-one years ago)

where have you been?!

― teh pow! (blueski), Wednesday, 22 September 2004 14:54 (twenty-one years ago)

You're runningthroughtheforestrunningthroughtheforestrunningthroughtheforestrunningthroughtheforest POW you hit a tree.

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Wednesday, 22 September 2004 14:57 (twenty-one years ago)

what's black and white and read all over?

newspaper.

doesn't work in text

― ken c (ken c), Wednesday, 22 September 2004 15:07 (twenty-one years ago)

what's best in bread?

people

― teh pow! (blueski), Thursday, 23 September 2004 12:27 (twenty-one years ago)

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Boo.
Boo who?
Don't cry, it's only a joke.

― aimurchie, Thursday, 23 September 2004 13:01 (twenty-one years ago)

I can't read knock knock jokes now without hearing them in Dizzee's voice.

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Thursday, 23 September 2004 13:16 (twenty-one years ago)

Knock knock.
Who's there?
official.
Official who?
Official do 'til the chips are ready.

Yup - that one is courtesy of my dear old dad.

― aimurchie, Thursday, 23 September 2004 13:24 (twenty-one years ago)

Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a swimming pool?
A: Bob

Actually, as I was writing that the thought struck me that there's probably an event like this in the Paralympics (which of course we're all following diligently.................................)

― Dadrockismus (Dada), Thursday, 23 September 2004 13:28 (twenty-one years ago)

Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs lying on your porch?
A: Mat

― aimurchie, Thursday, 23 September 2004 13:33 (twenty-one years ago)

Q: What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other?
A: Eileen.

― Dan Perry '08 (Dan Perry), Thursday, 23 September 2004 13:33 (twenty-one years ago)

Q: What do you call a man with a spade in his head?
A: Doug.

Q: What do you call a man without a spade in his head?
A: Douglas.

― aldo_cowpat (aldo_cowpat), Thursday, 23 September 2004 13:39 (twenty-one years ago)

So - a blonde and a brunette are walking down the street, and the brunette says "Oh my god, there's my boyfriend buying me another fucking bouquet of flowers."
The blonde says "Well, what's wrong with that?"
The brunette replies, "Well, it means I'm gonna be on my back with my legs up in the air tonight."
The blonde says, "Why? Don't you have a vase?"

― aimurchie, Thursday, 23 September 2004 13:40 (twenty-one years ago)

did you hear about the circus fire?

― it was in tents! (slutsky), Thursday, 23 September 2004 13:59 (twenty-one years ago)

did you hear about the boy scout orgy?

― it was in tents! (slutsky), Thursday, 23 September 2004 14:00 (twenty-one years ago)

what do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other in Japan?
Irene

― jocelyn (Jocelyn), Thursday, 23 September 2004 14:02 (twenty-one years ago)

A paedophile was walking thru a forest with a small boy. "I'm scared" said the small boy. "You're scared?" said the paedophile, "I'm the one who has walk back on his own!"

― Dadrockismus (Dada), Thursday, 23 September 2004 14:02 (twenty-one years ago)

that joke DOES work on ilx

― s1ocki (slutsky), Thursday, 23 September 2004 14:03 (twenty-one years ago)

what's black and white and read all over?

The problem with that joke is that about 40 years ago newspaper started using spot colour, and often that colour was red, and nowadays most papers are full colour.

― Chewshabadoo (Chewshabadoo), Thursday, 23 September 2004 14:09 (twenty-one years ago)

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