txt msgs of filth

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from two nights ago

randomnumber:

"Hey sexy - lost my mobile - this is my new number. Are you still up for it tomorrow night?

thinking it may have been someone txting about bowling..

ken c

"Hell yeah!"

randomnumber

"Fantastic babe!"

ken c

"What are your plans for tomorrow?"

randomnumber

"I thought pick you up about eight - and see what happens from there. You can wear your sexy knickers - but they wont be on for long."

!!!!!!!!!!

so obv the reply was
ken c

"why not come round tonight so we can warm up before tomorrow?"

randomnumber

"Sorry love, its a lads night out. But he (if) you want to get in bed and warm yourself up i'll come round after the pub and see if i can make it a night to remember"

ken c

"lads are overrated, you know what you want"

later

randomnumber

"Right love, left the pub and am outside your house. I have a huge erection and am gagging for it. Let me in and i'll fuck your brains out.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!

holy shit. I wasn't at home then unfortunately.

ken c

"Where is this erection? I can't see it"

and then there was no more txts.

― ken c (ken c), Monday, 27 September 2004 09:10 (twenty-one years ago)

UNTIL the next morning!!!

randomnumber

Sorry - i have just spoken to my girlfriend and it seems i was texting the wrong number last night...."

hahahah fair enough!

― ken c (ken c), Monday, 27 September 2004 09:11 (twenty-one years ago)

BUT THAT WASN'T THE END OF THE TEXT

"... But if you fancy meeting up i'm game"

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! what a filth monger!

ken c

"meeting up would be fun but wouldn't your girlfriend mind?"

no replies just yet.

― ken c (ken c), Monday, 27 September 2004 09:11 (twenty-one years ago)

good grief.

― Pashmina (Pashmina), Monday, 27 September 2004 09:14 (twenty-one years ago)

It could have been worse! He could have texted you the lyrics to Clash songs, and you could have woken up to find the anti-terrorist police beating down your door!

― Danger Whore (kate), Monday, 27 September 2004 09:14 (twenty-one years ago)

I'm almost jealous of this. Almost.

― Pashmina (Pashmina), Monday, 27 September 2004 09:14 (twenty-one years ago)

haha, ken that is classic!! please tell him you are a boy!!!

― PinXorchiXoR (Pinkpanther), Monday, 27 September 2004 09:14 (twenty-one years ago)

No, don't. Then go and meet him and laugh.

He probably isn't in London though. You could find out where he is anyway, and delegate someone from ILX to go look at him, take photos, and report back.

― ailsa (ailsa), Monday, 27 September 2004 09:16 (twenty-one years ago)

I can't imagine who'd want to do a thing like that...

― ILX covert burka army ready for duty (Matt DC), Monday, 27 September 2004 09:18 (twenty-one years ago)

Hahaha!

― Archel (Archel), Monday, 27 September 2004 09:20 (twenty-one years ago)

OMG. thats fucking awesome.

― maria tessa sciarrino (theoreticalgirl), Monday, 27 September 2004 09:20 (twenty-one years ago)

Clearly the only proper tactic is to out-filth him. Start with 'two in the goo one in the poo' and work down towards rock bottom from there.

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Monday, 27 September 2004 09:25 (twenty-one years ago)

Hahahaha brilliant!! Keep us posted Ken! If you want another random number I've got someone called "Gemma" for you!

XPOST: moderator!! DELETE MATT DC!!!

― Starry (hello chickens), Monday, 27 September 2004 09:26 (twenty-one years ago)

omg, go with Matt's sugggestion! Please keep us posted.

― roxymuzak (roxymuzak), Monday, 27 September 2004 19:11 (twenty-one years ago)

Oh, my word, that is the best ever. I love it!

― Lara (Lara), Monday, 27 September 2004 19:14 (twenty-one years ago)

I think I understand the poo, but who has the goo in that scenario?

― Ain't That Peculiar (kenan), Monday, 27 September 2004 19:15 (twenty-one years ago)

I wonder if his name is Seymour?

― Kim (Kim), Monday, 27 September 2004 19:16 (twenty-one years ago)

Clearly the only proper tactic is to out-filth him. Start with 'two in the goo one in the poo' and work down towards rock bottom from there

This is so not computing, you gutter rat!

― Lara (Lara), Monday, 27 September 2004 19:16 (twenty-one years ago)

ihttp://archives.thedaily.washington.edu/1995/110995/gordon.gif

― n/a (Nick A.), Monday, 27 September 2004 19:17 (twenty-one years ago)

Ken, I'd like this dude's number.

― Towelette Pettatucci (Homosexual II), Monday, 27 September 2004 19:17 (twenty-one years ago)

Ken, text him saying you want to fuck his glasses off!

― Towelette Pettatucci (Homosexual II), Monday, 27 September 2004 19:18 (twenty-one years ago)

Tell him you can almost feel your wet cunt sliding down over his cock. Tell him you want to feel his cock pulsing inside of you.

Ken, I want you.

― Ain't That Peculiar (kenan), Monday, 27 September 2004 19:21 (twenty-one years ago)

"gagging for it"... can someone elaborate on the nuances of this expression?

― gygax! (gygax!), Monday, 27 September 2004 19:21 (twenty-one years ago)

I don't know that there are any.

― Ain't That Peculiar (kenan), Monday, 27 September 2004 19:22 (twenty-one years ago)

non-north americans please.

― gygax! (gygax!), Monday, 27 September 2004 19:23 (twenty-one years ago)

You know.. so overcome with desire.. that yr like hiccuping, and choking on your hiccups, and gagging.

― Towelette Pettatucci (Homosexual II), Monday, 27 September 2004 19:27 (twenty-one years ago)

That was 99% bullshit.

― Towelette Pettatucci (Homosexual II), Monday, 27 September 2004 19:27 (twenty-one years ago)

and 1% pure love

― Kim (Kim), Monday, 27 September 2004 19:29 (twenty-one years ago)

Wouldn't "gagging from it" be more common?

― Ain't That Peculiar (kenan), Monday, 27 September 2004 19:29 (twenty-one years ago)

I am being haunted by this "goo/poo" thing. These aren't thrusting instructions, are they? (OH NO PLEASE TELL ME THAT THIS ISN'T THE "FINGERING" FOR A WOMAN)

― Dan Perry '08 (Dan Perry), Monday, 27 September 2004 19:30 (twenty-one years ago)

"The Fingering" sounds like the worst (best?) horror film ever.

― Kim (Kim), Monday, 27 September 2004 19:31 (twenty-one years ago)

Among my circle of college friends the extra finger was called THE SHOCKER!

― Dan Perry '08 (Dan Perry), Monday, 27 September 2004 19:34 (twenty-one years ago)

SHOCKAH

― SHOCKAH KHAN (nickalicious), Monday, 27 September 2004 19:35 (twenty-one years ago)

ihttp://cassidy.austincollege.edu/bbui/shocker.jpg

― TOMBOT, Monday, 27 September 2004 19:35 (twenty-one years ago)

The Shocker is one of my favorite bands. J3nnif3r F!nch of El Seven fame is the singer/guitarist. I wore the Shocker t-shirt apple picking yesterday.

― Je4nne ƒury (Jeanne Fury), Monday, 27 September 2004 19:44 (twenty-one years ago)

http://shockersite.com/pages/images_store/logo01bk.gif

― Je4nne ƒury (Jeanne Fury), Monday, 27 September 2004 19:44 (twenty-one years ago)

Not the fingering, Dan.

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Monday, 27 September 2004 19:47 (twenty-one years ago)

Gagging = consumed with wanting.

― Lara (Lara), Tuesday, 28 September 2004 09:46 (twenty-one years ago)

oh! i thought matt meant the fingering too.

― ken c (ken c), Tuesday, 28 September 2004 09:48 (twenty-one years ago)

http://www.emviet.com/pvh/tapguitar/chordframe/G_1x.jpg

― ken c (ken c), Tuesday, 28 September 2004 09:49 (twenty-one years ago)

I thought Matt was referring to sequential rather than concurrent, um, penetrations.

― Archel (Archel), Tuesday, 28 September 2004 09:55 (twenty-one years ago)

in that case at least it was in the better order, i guess!

― ken c (ken c), Tuesday, 28 September 2004 09:56 (twenty-one years ago)

I think he was. Although this begs the question of how you work towards bottom from poo?

― Lara (Lara), Tuesday, 28 September 2004 09:57 (twenty-one years ago)

2G1P (as seen on all the perviest personalised number plates) is actually a mildly filthy practice involving three fingers and nothing to do with a very filthy practice involving four people. I just wanted to make Dan go "ewwwwww!"

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Tuesday, 28 September 2004 09:59 (twenty-one years ago)

Opinion is divided over the proper use of the thumb.

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Tuesday, 28 September 2004 09:59 (twenty-one years ago)

i think you'd definitely be working towards the bottom

xpost

― ken c (ken c), Tuesday, 28 September 2004 09:59 (twenty-one years ago)

I am loving the description: 'mildly filthy'.

― Lara (Lara), Tuesday, 28 September 2004 10:00 (twenty-one years ago)

I thought Matt was referring to sequential rather than concurrent, um, penetrations.
-- Archel (dilettant...), September 28th, 2004 10:55 AM. (later)

so in fact Matt was referring to the simutaneous!!

― ken c (ken c), Tuesday, 28 September 2004 10:02 (twenty-one years ago)

Matthew - we need a slide show!

― Lara (Lara), Tuesday, 28 September 2004 10:02 (twenty-one years ago)

What the hell is "apple picking" even supposed to mean?

― TOMBOT, Tuesday, 28 September 2004 10:04 (twenty-one years ago)

Sicko!

― Lara (Lara), Tuesday, 28 September 2004 10:07 (twenty-one years ago)

tasting the forbidden fruit

― ken c (ken c), Tuesday, 28 September 2004 10:13 (twenty-one years ago)

Tamarind??

― Lara (Lara), Tuesday, 28 September 2004 10:15 (twenty-one years ago)

grapefruits

― ken c (ken c), Tuesday, 28 September 2004 10:17 (twenty-one years ago)

Gropefruit.

― Lara (Lara), Tuesday, 28 September 2004 10:18 (twenty-one years ago)

Ugli fruit seems to be more apt

― Jedermann sein eigener Fussball (Dada), Tuesday, 28 September 2004 10:18 (twenty-one years ago)

it's not pretty but it tastes like heaven

― ken c (ken c), Tuesday, 28 September 2004 10:19 (twenty-one years ago)

This reminds me of the the time I got a text message from an unknown girl. It was like: "Hi, are you Tu0mas Alh0? Remember me, we met at the wedding last saturday. You didn't give me your number, but it'd be nice to meet you again.". I hadn't been to any wedding, so it was obvious that she'd searched for the number of someone with the same name as me, and found mine instead. I replied that I hadn't been to weddings lately, and that this was clearly a case of mistaken identity. I thought that was the end of it, but later on I received another message from her: "Sorry about that. How old are you, by the way? And what do you do for living?". How desperate is that, I thought, trying to hit on a wrong number! However, being a polite chap I am, I answered her promptly. I thought that was really the end of it, because I was 20 at the time, and I figured she must've been a bit older than me, what with having friends who are getting married. But then I received yet another message from her, containing a mildly filthy joke about locks and keys. I didn't reply it, and that was the end of story...

...except that there's an epilogue. This summer I got phone call from an unknown number; I guy asked me: "Are you Tu0mas Alh0?". Yes, I replied. "Are you a plumber?", he then asked. I said I wasn't, and he apologized, saying he'd got the wrong Tu0mas Alh0. My name isn't a particularly common one, so, remembering the earlier episode, I wondered whether the plumber Tu0mas Alh0 and the Tu0mas Alh0 from the wedding were the same guy, and whether the text message girl ever found the person he was looking for. I guess I'll never know.

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Tuesday, 28 September 2004 10:48 (twenty-one years ago)

did you tell that girl that you were a plumber in your text message?

― ken c (ken c), Tuesday, 28 September 2004 10:50 (twenty-one years ago)

No, I said was a student, as I was.

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Tuesday, 28 September 2004 10:51 (twenty-one years ago)

studying plumbing?

― ken c (ken c), Tuesday, 28 September 2004 10:52 (twenty-one years ago)

Did you offer to work on her phlange pipe?

― Lara (Lara), Tuesday, 28 September 2004 10:53 (twenty-one years ago)

No. A couple of days later I did, however, think what would've happened if I'd answered that mildly filty text message of hers... Probably nothing, since people who make mildly filthy suggestions to someone they've never met aren't exactly my type.

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Tuesday, 28 September 2004 10:56 (twenty-one years ago)

My best mate;

"My penis felt thick in my trousers, an evil Cyclops weeping in secretive anticipation of sordid solitary pleasures." Drummond is a genius! x

Me;

I cant beleev yr sendin me porn txts on sunday morning! x

― Rasputin Kitten (Nick Southall), Tuesday, 28 September 2004 11:33 (twenty-one years ago)

SHOCKAH

― Dan Perry '08 (Dan Perry), Tuesday, 28 September 2004 11:40 (twenty-one years ago)

haha "shockah"

― ken c (ken c), Tuesday, 28 September 2004 11:41 (twenty-one years ago)

(hahahaha TS: 2G1P vs DVDA)

― Dan Perry '08 (Dan Perry), Tuesday, 28 September 2004 11:41 (twenty-one years ago)

SACD

― Jarlr'mai (jarlrmai), Tuesday, 28 September 2004 11:50 (twenty-one years ago)

this thread is grebt

― You've Got to Pick Up Every Stitch (tracerhand), Tuesday, 28 September 2004 12:40 (twenty-one years ago)

i'm currently plotting a ploy to txt message some random telephone number with extra filthy stuff. and then google for it to see if it also turns up on the internet.

― ken c (ken c), Tuesday, 28 September 2004 12:43 (twenty-one years ago)

I actually did this once, incidentally. When I first got my phone I started anonymously texting a particularly cock-on friend of mine. I knew he'd had a very heavy night and his drunken memory is almost as bad as mine, so I pretended to be a girl named Emily.

It started fairly harmlessly, along the lines of "I had a really great time last night, can we meet again soon?" and escalated as far as "I want you inside me" over the course of about two days. At that point he finally cracked and phoned me. It was all worth it to hear his suave "he-llo" degenerate into random spluttering as soon as he heard my voice on the line. At which point he REFUSED TO BELIEVE THERE WAS NO SUCH GIRL and accused me and her of plotting together to humiliate him.

He had a girlfriend anyway, so it served him right really.

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Tuesday, 28 September 2004 12:51 (twenty-one years ago)

I don't feel bad about getting everyone to text you filth when you got that phone anymore.

― toby (tsg20), Tuesday, 28 September 2004 12:53 (twenty-one years ago)

Ugh rubbish syntax.

― toby (tsg20), Tuesday, 28 September 2004 12:53 (twenty-one years ago)

Haha you gave me the idea!

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Tuesday, 28 September 2004 12:54 (twenty-one years ago)

"you gave me the ideas"

― ken c (ken c), Tuesday, 28 September 2004 12:55 (twenty-one years ago)

ah well it's getting boring now

ken c

"how's that erection holding up?"

randomnumber (now known as 'perv' on my phone)

"Still going strong, becoming a bit of a burden to be honest."

ken c

"Priapism huh? Sounds like you need specialist treatment"

perv

"Maybe a bed bath from a team of student nurses in benny hill style nurse outfits would kill it off"

― ken c (ken c), Tuesday, 28 September 2004 13:06 (twenty-one years ago)

How did Calum get your number?

― Jedermann sein eigener Fussball (Dada), Tuesday, 28 September 2004 13:07 (twenty-one years ago)

it was after that night when i bukakked him.

― ken c (ken c), Tuesday, 28 September 2004 13:07 (twenty-one years ago)

He actually said that?

hahahaha xpost

― roxymuzak (roxymuzak), Tuesday, 28 September 2004 13:08 (twenty-one years ago)

hahaha i still have the msgs on my phone (treasuring them obv) you can see them when you're here.

― ken c (ken c), Tuesday, 28 September 2004 13:10 (twenty-one years ago)

and answer the phone if he calls! hahahha

― ken c (ken c), Tuesday, 28 September 2004 13:15 (twenty-one years ago)

i like the fact that he's probably at his office now telling all his mates how some slut is txting him about his erection

― ken c (ken c), Tuesday, 28 September 2004 13:18 (twenty-one years ago)

And how RIGHT he is!

― Jedermann sein eigener Fussball (Dada), Tuesday, 28 September 2004 13:19 (twenty-one years ago)

yup! OMG HIS NUMBER COMES UP ON GOOGLE!

― ken c (ken c), Tuesday, 28 September 2004 13:20 (twenty-one years ago)

Is he in government?

― Lara (Lara), Tuesday, 28 September 2004 13:21 (twenty-one years ago)

haha nope. it returns some kind of graphics design company i think this guy may be self employed.

― ken c (ken c), Tuesday, 28 September 2004 13:24 (twenty-one years ago)

Living hand to mouth no doubt.

― Lara (Lara), Tuesday, 28 September 2004 13:25 (twenty-one years ago)

Viagra don't come cheap..... so Calum tells me

― Jedermann sein eigener Fussball (Dada), Tuesday, 28 September 2004 13:26 (twenty-one years ago)

hand to not just mouth no doubt

― ken c (ken c), Tuesday, 28 September 2004 13:27 (twenty-one years ago)

his company's "website" (the only one i found) is the worst ever! it only has 4 photos on it! (no link no nothing!)

― ken c (ken c), Tuesday, 28 September 2004 13:27 (twenty-one years ago)

ken c

"How many nurses would it take?"

perv

Maybe a dozen or so - i'm no expert, but i would think that would suffice."

really bored now.

― ken c (ken c), Tuesday, 28 September 2004 13:31 (twenty-one years ago)

you are a hair's width away from becoming a stalker.

― Pete W (peterw), Tuesday, 28 September 2004 13:31 (twenty-one years ago)

What the hell is "apple picking" even supposed to mean?

Um, I went apple picking this weekend. You know, like, at an orchard with apple trees and stuff. Nothing sexual at all. GOD@#&*^*(#&$^%#&*^%&*@#DAMNIT

― Je4nne ƒury (Jeanne Fury), Tuesday, 28 September 2004 13:32 (twenty-one years ago)

oh i'm just being an INTERNET SUPERSLEUTH

― ken c (ken c), Tuesday, 28 September 2004 13:34 (twenty-one years ago)

internet supersleuth

― ken c (ken c), Tuesday, 28 September 2004 13:35 (twenty-one years ago)

one year passes...

Revive! What happened? Did you meet up? Has his website improved? Does he still text you?

― ailsa (ailsa), Monday, 10 October 2005 20:54 (twenty years ago)

twelve years pass...

good ol kenny

― F# A# (∞), Thursday, 24 May 2018 22:52 (eight years ago)

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