ex debt

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so i used to date a girl named [NONCONTROVERSIAL NON-MODERATOR EDIT]. we were together for five years (sophomore year of college - second post-collegiate year) before i broke up with her because our relationship had become a long distance heart tug and i wanted a regular heart-in-one-place life. the breakup was tough, of course, but i was kind about it and we were both feeling the same weariness from the distance.

since then we haven't really talked. we emailed a bit two years ago -- mostly so she could tell me how much she hated me -- but other than that, silence. back in february or march i emailed her seeing how she was, and didn't get a response, until last week. that email read: "Don't fucking write me. I never want to speak to you again." and that was it.

of course i didn't write back. but today i get another email from her, which said that she just remembered that i owe her $280. apparently she gave me some money so i could move to nyc, and now she wants it back. i vaguely remember this. now giving her the money isn't a problem (aside from the $1500 i now have to spend for a root canal, plus the holidays and upcoming moving costs), but i'm bristling at what an asshole she's being about all of this. even if i might owe her the money literally, karma-wise i don't owe her shit.

so what do i do? if i pay her it will have to wait a few months (the tooth shit is wiping out my savings), but i really dislike the fact that this is her trying to get the last word in. our relationship was never vengeful in this way, but apparently she isn't grown up enough to be civil about this. help, pls.

― Yanc3y (ystrickler), Tuesday, 26 October 2004 14:07 (twenty-one years ago)

even if i might owe her the money literally,
karma-wise i don't owe her shit.

Judge Judy will probably agree with you!

― Huk-L, Tuesday, 26 October 2004 14:11 (twenty-one years ago)

Well, don't pay her back any karma!

The only way you can win in this situation is paying her the money when you can and drawing a line under it.

― Markelby (Mark C), Tuesday, 26 October 2004 14:13 (twenty-one years ago)

Actually, she probably wouldn't be asking if she didn't need the cash, quick.

― Huk-L, Tuesday, 26 October 2004 14:15 (twenty-one years ago)

pay her, even if you have to wait a couple of months. its the big thing to do, id say.

― peter smith (plsmith), Tuesday, 26 October 2004 14:15 (twenty-one years ago)

God, my recent ridiculous break-up to thread. I don't know, giving her back the money might help you feel done with her, you know? Hanging onto it out of principal is just going to keep her in your life and mind.

― roxymuzak (roxymuzak), Tuesday, 26 October 2004 14:16 (twenty-one years ago)

And be pleasant about it. Don't give her the satisfaction of stirring up any feelings.

― dave225 (Dave225), Tuesday, 26 October 2004 14:17 (twenty-one years ago)

i also think you should pay her. i'm missing the part where you think you're even stevens 'karma-wise', esp as it sounds like you initiaited the break up. which would probably make most people think it's up to you to be extra nice about things to her?

i'd send an email saying you're having a dental emergency, but that you'll send the money by a certain date, and then do it.

― colette (a2lette), Tuesday, 26 October 2004 14:20 (twenty-one years ago)

karma knows about money

― roxymuzak (roxymuzak), Tuesday, 26 October 2004 14:21 (twenty-one years ago)

If you owe her money, you owe her money. All the same, I would probably send it by cheque with a clear note that about how if she wants to be so flippant about speaking to you if money is involved, you would expect this to be the last you hear of her.

― 3underscore (___), Tuesday, 26 October 2004 14:22 (twenty-one years ago)

i think you could get away with not paying her, but paying her would obviously be the nicer thing to do.

― kelsey (kelstarry), Tuesday, 26 October 2004 14:27 (twenty-one years ago)

Pretend you put a kill-file on her email address to send all the email to the trash.

― Chewshabadoo (Chewshabadoo), Tuesday, 26 October 2004 14:28 (twenty-one years ago)

If you owe the money (e.g. there was an understanding that you would be paying it back) then pay it. (Incidentally, just curious how you wouldn't remember a loan of that size? Not like it's $10...)

On your side, it's fair to say that it's going to take you a few months because of current expenses. Or that you can send her $75 a month once your cash flow is better. Don't see how she could argue with that.

It's always better not to have anything floating around that anyone can hold over you, and if this is the last thing then it can only give you some closure.

― elisabeth k, Tuesday, 26 October 2004 14:29 (twenty-one years ago)

elisabeth OTM, esp. last sentence

― roxymuzak (roxymuzak), Tuesday, 26 October 2004 14:30 (twenty-one years ago)

yeah, everyone here is right. i am gonna pay the money, it's just a matter of when, and also whether i want to respond to her at all right now, or just send her a check one day out of the blue.

i had forgotten about the money cuz, at least in the relationships i have been in, cash is a free-floating thing, where sometimes i'm lending my significant other money and sometimes the other way around. but yes, i will pay it.

colette, i fail to see why me initiating the breakup puts me in her debt. fuck that shit. we were unhappy. both of us. and we would have spent our whole lives hanging on to the happiness we once shared years before if i hadn't just decided enough was enough. i agonized over it for weeks -- us talking it over and over -- and i have never felt particularly good about it. i hate the fact that it's so easy to hurt someone that you love, but we were both being hurt by staying in this thing. i've been on both sides of the breakup equation, and it has never been the case that the person doing the dumping has been entirely to blame. takes two to tango and all of that shit, ya know?

― Yanc3y (ystrickler), Tuesday, 26 October 2004 14:37 (twenty-one years ago)

(Hi Yanc3y.) I do think you should pay it, as it's the honest thing to do. Perhaps you should date the check a few months in advance and include a note with it saying, "I won't have the money until this date, so don't deposit it until then." Something simple and direct. Quite frankly, I think two things could be happening -- 1) she's in a bind and needs the cash BUT most likely it's 2) she misses you and is trying to make contact by any means necessary. She could have asked you for the money months ago but didn't.

― Je4nne ƒury (Jeanne Fury), Tuesday, 26 October 2004 14:42 (twenty-one years ago)

On the other hand, I once had a real dud of a boyfriend who persuaded me to put some bills in my name, and racked up debts of $1000 that he refused to pay.

I tried everything - from calling his parents to shame him into coughing up to confronting him at his hangouts. I should point out that the main reason that I chased him so hard was that I was a broke (naive!) student, although I was of course pretty angry about being used and my credit rating getting dragged through the gutter.

In the end my parents paid half, and I scraped together the rest over time. And I decided to forget about it. That was my closure, although it took me a few years to totally be at peace with it all, combined with all the other stuff I allowed myself to be put through.

But it all would have been a lot more civilised if he'd had the guts to face up to his mistake.

(p.s. *not* saying OP is like this, it just made me remember)

― elisabeth k, Tuesday, 26 October 2004 14:42 (twenty-one years ago)

advance date a check for $300 & be done with it

― kephm, Tuesday, 26 October 2004 14:47 (twenty-one years ago)

DO NOT SEND A CHECK UNTIL YOU HAVE THE MONEY TO BACK IT UP. You have no idea when she'll deposit it and 9 times out of 10 the bank will ot care what date is on the check when she tries to deposit it.

― The Ghost of Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Tuesday, 26 October 2004 14:49 (twenty-one years ago)

You need to separate the money-debt from any idea of karma-debt. I think you should just send a cheque in the mail (ASAP if you have the funds) with no accompanying note, letter or anything. Since she said she never wanted to speak to you again this should suit her. Then draw a line under it.

― Archel (Archel), Tuesday, 26 October 2004 14:51 (twenty-one years ago)

Send a check, and write 'fuck you, you petty bitch' in the memo line.

― luna (luna.c), Tuesday, 26 October 2004 14:55 (twenty-one years ago)

Okay, don't do the last part, but it would make ME feel better were I in that situation.

― luna (luna.c), Tuesday, 26 October 2004 14:56 (twenty-one years ago)

It's much better if you are nothing but cordial as it makes the nasty person seem unbalanced to outside observers.

― The Ghost of Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Tuesday, 26 October 2004 14:58 (twenty-one years ago)

Haha yeah: 'God, my asshole of an ex owed me money and he paid me back, what an asshole!' 'Uh...'

― Archel (Archel), Tuesday, 26 October 2004 15:01 (twenty-one years ago)

It's much better if you are nothing but cordial as it makes the nasty person seem unbalanced to outside observers.

Pretty much otm. If you do or say something spiteful or vindictive in the process of paying her back, then she's pretty much gotten the reaction she was looking for. It looks she's looking to get some negative attention or reaction out of you.

― Leon Czolgosz (Nicole), Tuesday, 26 October 2004 15:18 (twenty-one years ago)

When my ex-wife decided she needed to move out to "figure some things out," I let her take about $1,200 out of our savings account to pay for the move, her first month's rent, etc. I say "our" savings, but the deal was that she was in grad school at the time and I was supporting both of us -- all the money in the savings account was there because I put it there. Anyway, the subsequent divorce was fairly amicable (i.e. one year of emotional razor blades for me, but everybody's happy now), but I still insisted on her paying me all the money back. She resented it, but I didn't see why I should exactly subsidize her walking out. She did finally pay it all.

Which probably has no bearing on your situation, except that if she maybe feels like she got left behind and she helped pay for the first step in the process, she might still be pissed off about it.

― gypsy mothra (gypsy mothra), Tuesday, 26 October 2004 15:43 (twenty-one years ago)

i see what yr saying, gypsy, but we were together for almost two years after i moved to nyc...

― Yanc3y (ystrickler), Tuesday, 26 October 2004 15:47 (twenty-one years ago)

If you owe, you owe. Pay.
You will earn respect as a human being.

― Orbit (Orbit), Tuesday, 26 October 2004 15:52 (twenty-one years ago)

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