How do you respond to gestures that are intended to hurt you?

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Do you try to save face and downplay the affect it had on you?

Should the extent to which you do try to "save face" versus show openly that you were hurt be contingent on the extent to which you think your relationship with the aggressor could bear fruit in the future?

HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH UNVOICED, UNJUSTIFIED RESENTMENT?

― ernest hollow, Saturday, 30 October 2004 15:22 (twenty-one years ago)

I don't let it hurt me. No matter what. If it does hurt you, channel that angry energy into laughter.

― roxymuzak (roxymuzak), Saturday, 30 October 2004 15:24 (twenty-one years ago)

by headbutt.

― :| (....), Saturday, 30 October 2004 15:24 (twenty-one years ago)

There's also that.

― roxymuzak (roxymuzak), Saturday, 30 October 2004 15:26 (twenty-one years ago)

But we can't control what hurts us. We can only control our outward reactions. So what should dictate how one reacts? Proving that you're more powerful and that your ego is more resilient than the aggressor?

― ernest hollow, Saturday, 30 October 2004 15:30 (twenty-one years ago)

its ok to be hurt. and if the gesture was intended to hurt, there must be a reason for it, something that can be discussed, maybe a silver lining can come out of something like that. is it someone you care about?

worse, mostly, is when the gesture isnt intended to hurt (indifference, say), you simply dont matter, theres nowhere really to put the hurt then. the gesture hurts because you care, and they do not

― *@*.* (gareth), Saturday, 30 October 2004 15:32 (twenty-one years ago)

worse, mostly, is when the gesture isnt intended to hurt (indifference, say), you simply dont matter, theres nowhere really to put the hurt then. the gesture hurts because you care, and they do not

Gospel. Absolute gospel.

― Tantrum The Cat (Tantrum The Cat), Saturday, 30 October 2004 15:34 (twenty-one years ago)

Ignore it mainly. When I can't, I cast spells and stick pins in dolls. Sometimes, I hurt back. Ah, it all depends on lots of things.

― Penelope_111 (Penelope_111), Saturday, 30 October 2004 15:34 (twenty-one years ago)

But this hurtful gesture was itself in response to things that the aggessor perceived as malicious which in fact were not at all. But the aggressor will not speak forthrightly about these things.

In response to "is this someone you care about?" My worldview forbids me from making this distinction. That's the problem! I refuse to see any relationship as insignificant or at least I can't come up with a barometer for caring about people that doesn't somehow undermine the basic dignity of all human beings.

― ernest hollow, Saturday, 30 October 2004 15:57 (twenty-one years ago)

Although, I think if someone is upfront and honest enough to say how deeply they've been hurt, without resorting to attempting to hurt back, I'd imagine it would take a very hard aggressor not to acknowledge that pain and either apologise or refrain from doing it again.

― Penelope_111 (Penelope_111), Saturday, 30 October 2004 16:33 (twenty-one years ago)

But it IS a difficult thing to do -- to let defences down and expose one's vulnerability.

― Penelope_111 (Penelope_111), Saturday, 30 October 2004 16:36 (twenty-one years ago)

Seriously?

― Cathy (Cathy), Saturday, 30 October 2004 17:17 (twenty-one years ago)

That sounds pretty noble to me. Why is it the norm to not care about other people?

― Orbit (Orbit), Saturday, 30 October 2004 17:19 (twenty-one years ago)

What sort of gestures are we talking about here? Straight-up verbal insults? Vindictive actions?

― Riot Gear! (Gear!), Saturday, 30 October 2004 17:22 (twenty-one years ago)

It would never even occur to me that I should care about everyone equally.

― Cathy (Cathy), Saturday, 30 October 2004 17:24 (twenty-one years ago)

Well no one said equally, but I think the idea of common human consideration is what is being discussed. The alternative seems very bleak and machiavellian.

― Orbit (Orbit), Saturday, 30 October 2004 17:29 (twenty-one years ago)

You hurt someone, you hurt yourself, etc. Karma, innit.

― roxymuzak (roxymuzak), Saturday, 30 October 2004 17:29 (twenty-one years ago)

What's Machiavellian about caring about the resentment of your friends/family/people you like and not caring all that much about the resentment of strangers/acquaintances/people you don't like?

― Cathy (Cathy), Saturday, 30 October 2004 17:32 (twenty-one years ago)

I think the point is that making hurtful gestures isn't cool no matter who it comes from. Of course it will hurt more if it comes from someone close. I think the quote in question is saying "It hurts no matter where it comes from" and "we are all human beings with feelings" and what roxy said Hey! Karma!

― Orbit (Orbit), Saturday, 30 October 2004 17:36 (twenty-one years ago)

What sort of gestures are we talking about here? Straight-up verbal insults? Vindictive actions?

A vindictive action. Which was particularly poignant because we have had two really nice interactions in the last two days that I took as signs that we had chosen kindness & affection over hostility even though the cause of the tension hadn't been broached.

― ernest hollow, Saturday, 30 October 2004 18:50 (twenty-one years ago)

vindictive actions don't reflect well on the perp.

find better people.

― Orbit (Orbit), Saturday, 30 October 2004 19:17 (twenty-one years ago)

I'm not sure how people are making a stab at answering this - it's incredibly vague: nice interactions, a vindictive action, "things that the aggressor perceived as malicious which in fact were not at all" - I'm unclear how we can respond to this. It all depends on context.

In general, I can't think when it last happened to me. I've sort of been confronted aggressively a bunch of times, but that's not the same thing.

― Martin Skidmore (Martin Skidmore), Saturday, 30 October 2004 19:27 (twenty-one years ago)

But what if they're doing it because they were hurt by my original action? Like *@*.* said above the only unworkable dynamic is if someone doesn't care at all. I'm somewhat inclined to try to work things out with this person simply because I like sensitive people, or people who care enough to react. But the person in question is "just" my housemate so maybe you're right, I should find better people.

xpost

― ernest hollow, Saturday, 30 October 2004 19:33 (twenty-one years ago)

EH, this sounds very familiar. My wife worked with someone for over a year who treated her horribly, in word and deed. My wife was suffering pretty badly from bipolar disorder and was having a lot of trouble working, and the coworker was making it even worse with the whole "why the hell can't you get a grip, you're fucking up, I wouldn't be surprised if you're just lazy instead of sick" trip. Finally my wife had to quit work (luckily, SSDI approved on the first try). I wrote the coworker a letter explaining that in case she hadn't figured it out, she was a disgusting specimen of humanity, but that I hoped she lived a long life filled with people who were kind and generous to her; and that every time someone performed an act of kindness or generosity to her, she'd remember my wife and all the times she could have been kind or generous to her, and chose not to.

I doubt this hateful bitch took the letter to heart, but if she did it's a bonus. And writing it kept me from going down there and sticking a broken-off golf club shaft through her eye.

― the apex of nadirs (Rock Hardy), Saturday, 30 October 2004 19:35 (twenty-one years ago)

I fucking throw it back in my roommate's fucking face.

(err, ahem).

― Remy (x Jeremy), Saturday, 30 October 2004 19:39 (twenty-one years ago)

As you've all probably noticed, there's one ILXor who likes to post attacking me or insulting me on just about every thread I post to. I just try to make sure everyone else knows not to trust him, so they don't have to find out about it the hard way.

― caitlin (caitlin), Saturday, 30 October 2004 19:45 (twenty-one years ago)

Who?

― Remy (x Jeremy), Saturday, 30 October 2004 19:50 (twenty-one years ago)

I'm not saying, because I don't think this thread should be about names; it should be about actions.

(and I should have said "some of you", because a lot of his attacks are about fairly subtle things that only people who know both of us will notice)

― caitlin (caitlin), Saturday, 30 October 2004 19:57 (twenty-one years ago)

ahh, gotcha.

― Remy (x Jeremy), Saturday, 30 October 2004 20:02 (twenty-one years ago)

he's talking about ken c and I don't know why.

― RJG (RJG), Saturday, 30 October 2004 20:05 (twenty-one years ago)

Caitlin, you are being crazily paranoid.

― Cathy (Cathy), Saturday, 30 October 2004 20:07 (twenty-one years ago)

I don't know why either, FWIW.

This thread suggests to me that I have been incredibly fortunate - I associate "gestures intended to hurt me" with the past, specifically, childhood and adolescence where in hindsight (and possibly so some extent, even at the time) I thought "these don't have the maturity to see the real damage they're doing so I'll give them the benefit of the doubt" and a aura of nastiness at a former workplace generated by the fact that (i) the office was closing down (ii) my immediate superior was less intellectual than me and knew it and (iii) my immediate superior was the only person not to have got a new job to go to. Even in the latter case, where my manager indulged in behaviour which I suppose could be described as bullying I thought to myself theorughout - "Taking it out on me is cathartic for him". I never actually said that I thought this out loud at the time tho...wonder if it would've made the situation more nasty if I had?

― MarkH (MarkH), Sunday, 31 October 2004 10:46 (twenty-one years ago)

Some bloke: You're a wanker!
Me: No. YOU'RE a wanker!

― dog latin (dog latin), Sunday, 31 October 2004 10:48 (twenty-one years ago)

A shit-eating grin and a royal wave

― Captain Obvious, Sunday, 31 October 2004 11:50 (twenty-one years ago)

I do my best to ignore them. They're really not worth my attention and time to respond to.

When gestures are from people you loved/were intimate with, that's harder.

― Miss Misery (thatgirl), Monday, 1 November 2004 02:25 (twenty-one years ago)

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