people who define themselves by the work of others

i associate this tendency with adolescence--everyone searching for somebody to be, etc.

but sadly (??) a lot of adults seem to be a part of it too

see "dittoheads" etc.

WOLF EYES

fuck you, pal. Evel Knievel is my fucking HERO!

christians just follow that jesus guy around.

Hihi! Have you drunken of too much gotlandsdricke my friend? For of what you are talking, no-one can tell, hihi!

No matter, my friend - great announcement at last. Dominaktor album (to be retitled '999 - The Beast Does Handstand') at last picked up by Defilement of Angels, Hails! We release in New Year. Lucky that my wrath is quelled, but those that rejected me will pay with their souls, so grim and hateful is my intent to the

-- Janne Karlsson (dominakto...) (webmail), October 31st, 2004 3:05 AM. (later) (link)

m

-- Janne Karlsson (dominakto...) (webmail), October 31st, 2004 3:07 AM. (later) (link)

Oh dear Lord does this sound so, so, so very personal to me. And the funny thing is that, as hard as I try to get away from the fangirlishness that has ended up defining me for over half my life, it ends up pulling me back in even more, ever harder, ever stronger. Which really sucks when I'm trying to nurture new or other fandoms or just expand my personal horizons ever more.

I suppose that my own personal reason for feeling so connected with my personal fannishness is because, for a hell of a long period of time, I was, in my own personal universe, alone in my fannishness. I couldn't talk to anyone at all about any aspect of the artist I was (and still am) so much a fan of. If I tried to bring up the topic with a friend of mine, even in a purely detached manner, they would push the topic off the table. So my fandom became attached to me as strong as superglue, the craziness and hyperactivity unable to find an outward channel.

I've since found a few individuals through private online communication who share my fandom, so I know now that I'm not the only fangirl out there anymore, but we all know roughly the same amount of information about this artist, so there's no real fan-based topic of discussion we could bring up with each other, and so our conversations are usually non-fan based. So my fan-based craziness and hyperactivity remains stored up inside, unused, unchanneled, unfocused, and undiluted.

Plus, I've found that, as a fan of what I'm such a huge fan of, I've slipped into this role, this being, that is incredibly hard to slip out of. I'm always poised to defend my fandom, explain what it is that I could ever possibly find in the band that would bring on such an allegiance in me, dispel any fallacies concerning my fandom. This has been an especially regular aspect of my own fandom, because, according to practically everyone I've encountered throughout my life (aside from the fellow fans I've become close to, that is), I am "not supposed" to be a fan of this band because of my age and because of how I discovered them. I am supposed to be interested in other things and view That Band as something horridly outdated and disgusting. So when I don't... oh dear Lord do I have to kick into defense mode.

I guess that's partly why I'm so desperate for an exhaustive and serious discussion of ALL the band's creative eras; I feel like if I expend that energy, especially amongst people who truly adore what this band has done (without the bothersome "[x member] is especially adorable!" talk), I will then finally be (a.) secure in the knowledge that Serious Music People really CAN be fellow fanboys and fangirls and thus truly understand where I'm coming from with this fannishness and (b.) able to say that I have had my Dream Fan-Related Conversation with others and then move on to other fandoms. I think.

And... well... I suppose this could all be tied up in my extreme lack of confidence re: every other aspect of my being. I don't think I'm talented in anything, I don't, as I explained in my latest journal entry, "consider myself especially intelligent (or else I wouldn't be stuck in a public university, right?)", I don't think I'm in any way attractive, and I don't feel like I have anything to offer anyone at all, so yeah, maybe I *am* trying very hard to define myself by my fandom, in hopes that maybe that will elicit the same type of happiness and delight that would normally be found in actually finding something you can claim is especially remarkable about yourself. I mean, I have such a large store of fan-based knowledge in my head that it's pretty much unrivaled outside the "fellow fanatically committed" community.

Huh. This may actually lead to some sort of self-reflection session.

Dee, that's a heart poured out if I've ever seen one. Whatever our differences in politics, given what you just said I'm amazed you're not some rabid Limbaugh fan, and that you've kept your head about you, and that you post here, and I hug you.

(Okay, cue slightly bashful expression.)
(Ending for express purposes of completing response.)

I'm not "some rabid Limbaugh fan" because, by the time the novelty of listening to him wore off, I was already in the throes of at least semi-lurkerdom over here, and you guys have proved to be more rational than he was, even if I completely disagree with what you espouse or believe. Which is one major reason why I continue to keep on coming here. So thank you, all of you, for challenging me with EVERYTHING I've held to be true, thus either changing my positions or strengthening them to the point where I'm not some rabid idealogue anymore but rather someone who is truly speaking from my convictions. Couldn't have done that without you guys.

(Returning hugs before shuffling off to sleep....)

aww..