dating post-mortems

the absolute worst thing to do is to guilt someone into a discussion of the past, because usually what you really want in that case is for the other person to admit what an unreasonable ogre they've been.

But even so, you both still need to be diplomatic in any conversation. A bald revelation that she was crap in bed or that you have a miniscule penis will hurt no matter who's doing the talking.

carry on.

(In fact, I started a thread about this before, but I think it got lost in the whole Joe breakup.)

If it's just going to be recriminations, then just don't do it. Ditto if one of you thinks of it as a way of prolonging the relationship, rather than moving on.

Sometimes finding out the "why?" of why a relationship didn't work out is utterly essential to your peace of mind, and can stop your self esteem from getting wrecked in the process. I mean, even the unflattering things - "It's cause you have a small penis/big bum/I just don't fancy tomboys, I like girly girls" can make you realise "Wait, actually, it's nothing to do with me and my worth as a human being. He's just not that into me!" Which is very freeing.

It's the "there isn't really a reason, it's just not working" breakups that sometimes need to be worked through, and sometimes just need to be left alone until you have more perspective. If it KEEPS COMING UP, then it needs to be discussed. (Or maybe it's a sign that you don't have enough left in the way of connection to continue a friendship, and the former relationship really *is* the only thing you have in common.)

to the extent this is true it's terribly depressing

o life!

One of the wisest pieces of advice I ever received is that if you are going to ever maintain a successful friendship with an Ex, it will be based on common interests and activities. It will *NOT* based on emotions that you used to share.

The only consolation is that her subsequent "relationship" was even briefer than ours. Ha.

I mean, obviously if I'm dumping them because they're just a raging jerk and I can't stand them, then I feel no compunction to hang around and dissect. I just say "I never want to see you again, now DIE DIE DIE!!!" and that generally does the trick.

But if I'm dumping them because of other, more complex reasons, then yes, I would want to try to hang around and explain that the reasons are complex.

Also... I'm just rubbish at having casual continued associations with exes. There's only one where that happened, and it was because neither of us were really that attracted to each other in the first place, the breakup was mutual, and all very civil. We get along fine, see each other whenever he's in the country and it's great.

I've had two relationship/romantic/genuinely in love with the person type things actually turn into proper friendships, but in both cases it was because well... in both cases, we both knew that the relationship would not have worked out for quite external reasons. And we actually loved each other *too much* to have a shit relationship which went horribly wrong. And the friendship was of such an intense and intimate level that it ended up being *better* than what the affair was anyway.

It's really hard to explain this to someone when you're in the midst of it, though. Sigh. I'm doing my best, though. :-/

o life!

Ah Amateurist! Ah humanity!

your relationship has sank 'o lander

<3 omar

after you've broken up with someone, or they've broken up with you, do you get around to talking about the whys and wherefores (of the relationship, of the breakup) with them? does this ever produce anything resembling clarity or peace of mind?

why would you put yourself through that? i tend to break off all contact and avoid seeing them ever again.