I'm pining away for someone.

Perhaps hang around in a group of friends?

What can I say to her to let her know that I care a lot about her and just want to be around her more without making her uncomfortable?

*cough* Maybe to be a bit clearer: "Hey, some of us were getting together to get a pizza/get some coffee/talk about life and art/watch a movie, would you care to join us?" So long as you don't spend the entire time talking *only* to her all will be well.

Ned dispenses good advice.

It is of no use to himself.

:-(

I endorse your belief that protestations of undying love would be counterproductive at this moment. I would break it down this way:

First, invite her to spend time doing some pleasant thing with you. Make sure it is an appropriate activity you could do together. Be clear about what she would be committed to in terms of what, when, where and with whom. Ask in such a way she can simply say yes or no.

Take whatever answer you get at face value. 'No' does not mean 'I hate you'. That is the great virtue of this approach. 'No' only applies to the exact invitation you extended, with no dark implications.

Second, do not declare your feelings using words. Use actions. Smile at her. Show your pleasure in her company. Be a tiny bit gallant toward her. Indicate by your actions that her happiness matters to you. Act from sincere motives.

If the relationship is going to develop, this is a right beginning. If her reaction to you grows more friendly, then you must take the next step and ask her out. Be clear again about the expected level of commitment that goes with 'yes'. If she says 'no', then go ahead and be miserable for a time.

The outcome is always a gamble. Be prepared to lose. But that is better than moping along in the twilight of thwarted feelings.

Every thread I have ever posted

The rules of the game are that you should always wait for them to come to you. If they don't come, it makes no difference. You could write a novel then. Like James did. What you have written above is quite charming. If you continue in that vein, I am sure they will come to you.

Throw the rules of the game out right now.

she could be a very shy person, she might have had bad experiences. Who knows?

I asked a girl out november 2003 she said no blah blah blah. And our friendship was better. But then i got another girlfriend and i didn't see her for a while. But when i broke up with that girlfriend we started hanging out again, more and more for about 7 months it was like this. Then now, in January 2005 she is my girlfriend.

Persistence is key. And a little bit of stalking.

Oh dear, you poor sod. Long protracted friendship crushes are the single worst thing in the world and I find it hard to suspend my cynicism when talking to people in this state. I'm not going to say "hey, just persist and things will work out" because a lot of the time they don't, especially if she has already turned you down once.

How well do you know this girl? If she is just someone in your class who you otherwise wouldn't see outside it, are you sure you want to pursue this? Is there anything to your relationship, really, outside of your pining?

If you don't know each other well, I would seriously consider taking a step back, letting the emotional dust settle a bit. Otherwise, you won't be friends with her, you'll be friends with the person you are projecting onto her. If your friendship is going to survive, it will stand a much better chance of doing so when you're not pining. Otherwise every time you do anything together you'll be hoping for 'Tim and Dawn' moments which might never come, and it will make you fucking miserable. It seems to me that, more than anything, you need a bit of space. If something's going to happen, it'll happen when you're on firmer emotional ground, not before.

I'm sorry if that sounds a bit harsh, but you have to work out whether "I'm not ready for a relationship" means "I haven't got over someone else", "I would consider it but not right now, try again in six months" or "I am saying 'no' but don't want to hurt your feelings".

Really, you need to find a laid-back and non-intense way of giving her the opportunity to categorically turn you down if she wants to, if only to save yourself from months of painful uncertainty. This is a pretty damn difficult thing to do, sadly.

surprise nudity?

I might need someone to talk me through tonight -- I am feeling, or going to feel, very morose, and already feel quite hopeless to the point where I can't find a way to make myself want to do school or any other kind of work right now. A lot of this is to do with how I've thought myself into this situation, where I've built up this horrible mentality to the point that I can't act normal around the girl anymore, which makes me feel a bit guilty and selfish because our relationship isn't any place that I'd like, romantically or platonically. Saw her tonight along with other friends, but I was incredibly awkward and had trouble talking with anyone, and then everyone split up and so I just went home and have no intention of doing anything, but I feel like I need to let this out.

Walk away from her. The painful wrench away is the only thing you can do right now and, although it seems like a nightmare right now, will at least enable you to face her as a friend 6-8 months in the future.

Fair enough, but what about the short term as far as getting the rest of my life together, and getting into a space where I can do work again?

And even just getting through tonight with some sanity?

Listen to Matt DC. It doesn't, honestly, sound like it's likely to work out. You need to just go cold turkey. Force yourself to go on dates with other people and immerse yourself in other activities.

Matt DC OTM.

You're obviously pretty depressed and you should address that right now and try to get over that before you try to get involved with anyone. Super depressed people should never date cos it always leads to disaster one way or another. Trust me, you need a good friend or maybe a therapist way more than you need a codependent relationship. Also, you will attract more people if you get over the depression - most people are sensible enough to not be attracted to clingy, needy insecure types unless they are super good looking and that overrides their common sense.

Yeah, as awful and as terrible as it sounds, I think that Matt and Matthew are on the right tack there. Try to sort out your own life, deal with your depression and things like that (I know, easier said than done). Hang out with your friends, do small things that you enjoy (for me, going to gigs, reading good books, going to museums are little pick-me-ups). Try crushing on a celebrity instead, if you get a pick-me-up feeling from romantic emotions.

If you can't act "normal" around her, then don't try to act any way at all. Take care of yourself, preserve yourself from hurt. Once you've got your own feelings in a more rational and comfortable place, then you can better evaluate what's going on with her.

I'm kind of in a bizarro-world inverse of this situation right now myself and I don't exactly know what to do myself. My logic is that I need a good friendship more than I need a codependent relationship right now. (My "I'm not ready for a relationship right now" really does mean "Now is a really bad time, wait some time and see what happens")

But I'm lucky in that we *are* actually comfortable enough around each other to act normally and have fun. If you are not, then don't force yourself to try something which makes you more unhappy. It isn't worth it. Crushes are only good if they make you feel better about yourself, not worse.