Secret Violent Rush-Hour Fantasies

I don't think I have had many violent fantasies but i used to have this one of like being on this crowded train being stuck next to this beautiful girl, both of us involuntarily being ground against each other, both trying to move away but powerless against the weight of everyone else around. Then slowly and reluctantly we get aroused as the torrent of forces continue to press and grind us against each other until the ordeal of pleasure became too much and we climax, just as the train arrives at the station. (cockfoster or something, although i guess that train wouldn't be that crowded if it were arriving to cockfosters)

-Those bastards who lean against the ENTIRE POLE meaning that no one else can grab on for balance should have said pole heated to white hot and inserted down south where the tube don't run!

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"You think it's fucking funny now? Huh BITCH! I can't hear you? LOUDER BE-ATCH! Now apologise to that woman! Apologise! You're not fucking funny! ARE YOU? And you just got your ass whupped by a girl! DO IT AGAIN AND I'LL RIP YOUR BALLS OFF AND EAT THEM WITH A SPOON!!!"

Justice is done. It's also particularly satisfying if I am wearing high heels and a skirt. Didn't expect that did you?

1. Jumping in front of the train
2. Shooting everyone
3. Blowing up the train

Though sometimes I imagine the oncoming train is somekind of monster approaching and I have to fight it with finger-lightning or some such bad special effect.

Interestingly enough when I drove a car and had to deal that hell instead, my fantasies were as follows:

1. Driving through the guardrail into oncoming traffic or off of a bridge
2. Shooting everyone (with rockets)
3. Blowing up the world

So perhaps it's just a difference of scale and isolation. My teeth don't grind nearly as much on the train as they did in the car, that's for certain.

It's almost irrationally stressful to me. :-(

I suddenly realise, all these decisions I've made in the past few years about not commuting, about paying extortionate amounts of money to live near to work rather than near my friends/fun, about accepting jobs for less money with a reverse communte - I actually made them for a reason.

Anyway. At the moment I'm getting through by imaginging using corporate sponsors on the WALL OF DEATH fire things. Perhaps Ken can use them to double up for fireworks displays on New Years Eve and the like. That would keep the tourists out of Central London!

I did have a 3 hour round trip one summer when I worked across the state line and got paid cash. That was relatively traffic-free though except on the way home, but never really stressful I don't think.

But London IS capital punishment!

I dislike being touched. Intensely dislike being touched, so public transport at rush hour is almost intolerable.

I don't particularly like crowds, either. I think I grow more hostile to other people as I grow older, if anything. Perhaps I really shouldn't live in a metropolitan area. Sigh.

x-post, HA HA HA, Tombot, you've been to London as well! Overpriced Tourist Trap? Hello, London, I hear thy name...

I always though 'rush hour' was a stupid misnomer. I only have a 40 minute bus commute these days but fuck it's depressing. Most of my fellow commuters are dirrty students and MY GOD can you not go ONE JOURNEY without loudly using your stupid mobile phone to discuss the work you haven't done, the drinks you consumed the night before, the lecture you're skipping today and the rubbish band you went to see on Tuesday? No? Then fuck you with knives.

A pole-hogging hipster girl gave me a really shitty look the other day when I dared to hang onto 'her' pole at a really awkward angle just underneath where her shoulderblade connected with it. I wanted to stamp violently on her instep.

People who rustle their newspapers to avoid seeing other passengers pathetically squeezed should have to eat the damned things. And people who shove their books nearly through my septum have a special reception awaiting them as pressed commuter flowers in an enormous spiky LEADEN BOOK OF DEATH.

I nearly revived the Build Your Own Hell thread recently specifically to construct a Public Transport Hell.

Wouldn't it be better if rush hour was crush hour? But alas, I think there are no cute boys in Steatham at all. Hammersmith, however... hrmmmm.

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Other than that, I'm cool.

Oh, wait. To those of you riding my bumper like it's a porn star hole - the roads are STILL snow-covered & you getting right up on me in your Hemi-powered cockmobile (while every other driver with half a brain gives their fellow commuters enough space to skid out safely) is only going to strengthen my desire to just slam on the brakes & see how good your insurance company is. Also, you fucktard, you could drive a Stealth bomber & kill hobos for sport, and you'd still be a bald 40-year-old fuck.

I hear you about the necessary literary distraction, Kate, but it's a sad point that at the moment when critical sweaty-pit mass has been reached and distraction is most required, it's the least possible to actually read without fucking someone off in some way.

inasmuch as London is an overpriced tourist trap, you do have
the rolling london dancing thread
where DC has, uh, I think a baseball team now, that we bought from Canada.

Maybe I should think about changing my work hours, if I can. I used to go in late (say 11) and miss the rush, but maybe I should start thinking about going in early (say 7) and missing it at both ends.

(although to be honest I'm usually in at 7.45 to take account of those days when the traffic is really clogged up; so i have 15 minutes of my own time to read ILE before I start work anyway)

Plus, going home, the 5pm rush-hour is far better than the 5.30pm rush-hour.

(in-between tends to be worse, though, because there's a level crossing on my way home that's closed a lot between 5 and half-past)

Tom's 1st post pwns this thread, btw.

My real fantasy was falling backwards into the path of the oncoming train. I didn't do it so now I'm at work. six half dozen whatever.

(I am still so scared of the tube/train barricades, I always think that they are going to snap shut and crush me in their pincer like grip.)

Just don't STAND ON A PACKED COMMUTER TRAIN WITH YOUR BIKE RIGHT IN THE WAY OF THE DOOR AND EVERYONE ELSE ON IT THEN. YOU'VE GOT A BIKE, FUCKING RIDE IT TO WORK, DON'T MAKE EVERYONE ELSE'S DAILY MISERY THAT LITTLE BIT MORE UNCOMFORTABLE YOU WORTHLESS SELFISH PIECE OF SHIT.

I tell you Kate, next time I see you in a pub there'll be hell to pay.

This morning we had THREE TINY CHILDREN on a packed train, all of whom had to have their own seats, and sing loudly in unison "I SEE A POO-POO, I SEE A POO-POO!!!" at the top of their childish voices.

I thought it was funny (though what are the parents thinking, taking tiny kids on a train at rush hour) but my god, if looks could have killed, my fellow commuters were not amused.

Having their skin slowly scratched off with giant flailing knives would be a good one for the key scratchers, surely.

Except, wait, no, they'd probably enjoy that. Bah.

And don't even get me started on people who think lighting a fag at the back of the bus doesn't effect anyone else - you are not in an isolation chamber it is a bus!!!

men who sit with their legs splayed WIDE APART so they encroach into girls' personal space ------> cocks cut off, obviously. this is not a problem for me as I just make Inappropriate Thigh Contact and it makes them uncomfortable, but I think this would exacerbate the problem if one was female.

1/asshole on back seat drinking beer - bus driver asks him to put it away, he refuses, so bus driver gets out, goes to back seat, takes beer can from asshole and throws it out of the bus window!

2/charvers throwing snowballs at bus, then they try to get on - bus driver refuses to allow them on the bus, then phones depot & tells other buses to refuse to pick them up as well!!

Give him a pay rise!!

Put them on a treadmill to harness their strolling energy for the running of electric trains. Grrrrrrr. Run them until they drop dead of exhaustion.

Man, I'm far too creative with these punnishments. I think I must have been a medieval monk in a previous life...