Thoughtful replies only: I don't TRUST anyone...(relationships not paranoia)

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I'm a regular in disguise. My problem is that I don't trust anyone in a relationship any more after being thoroughly burned by a liar. I'm not "bitter" but I feel I've been educated about the true nature of humans. Is it possible to trust people again, and if so, what are the steps that you take to get there? Has anyone been there and successfully recovered? How did you do it?

― DMTina (DMTina), Sunday, 22 May 2005 22:43 (twenty-one years ago)

Judging all prospective partners on the actions of one person is like saying all muslims are terrorists or all blondes are stupid etc etc etc

― Flava Flavs got problems of his own! / Kate (papa november), Sunday, 22 May 2005 22:48 (twenty-one years ago)

But human nature is human nature. Men commonly lie and cheat. We wouldn't have half the pop songs we have if they didn't, there would be no subject matter.

― DMTina (DMTina), Sunday, 22 May 2005 22:50 (twenty-one years ago)

Uhhhh....women do those things too. I know I do.

― Flava Flavs got problems of his own! / Kate (papa november), Sunday, 22 May 2005 22:52 (twenty-one years ago)

I didn's say they didn't. But my particular concern is men.

― DMTina (DMTina), Sunday, 22 May 2005 22:53 (twenty-one years ago)

In my fairly limited experience, the men I'm attracted to do me wrong and the men who would probably be sweet and chivalrous etc etc bore me to tears. What can you do?

― Flava Flavs got problems of his own! / Kate (papa november), Sunday, 22 May 2005 22:58 (twenty-one years ago)

Maybe you *shouldn't* trust anyone.

― Orbit (Orbit), Sunday, 22 May 2005 23:20 (twenty-one years ago)

so the options are A) give up. protect yourself from being burned again but by doing so eliminate any chance of having a good or great relationship ever again so long as you live or B) brush yourself off and try again, albeit with a greater degree of cynicism. you leave yourself open to being hurt again and again, yet also leave the door open for Mr. Right, or at least several Mr. Not Too Shabbys.

― ()ops (()()ps), Sunday, 22 May 2005 23:28 (twenty-one years ago)

You are like the famous cat cited by Mark Twain - the one who sat on a hot stove once and never sat on a hot stove again... or a cold one either.

― Aimless (Aimless), Monday, 23 May 2005 03:24 (twenty-one years ago)

Option A for me.

― Marcello Carlin (nostudium), Monday, 23 May 2005 05:38 (twenty-one years ago)

It takes time, recovering your own self confidence, and most of all, meeting people (not just men) that are *worthy* of your trust.

I've had some unbelievably bad experiences with men, and honestly, I'm not sure that I will ever be ready to have another relationship again. But I'm learning to trust my *friends* in an effort to prove to myself that not *all* the human race is bad.

I've recently had an experience where someone let me down - and because I'd had such bad experiences with men, I completely freaked out over it. The easy thing to do would have been to just file him in the "all men are bastards" camp. But instead, I waited till I calmed down, sat down and talked to him about it, worked it out, and now we're amazingly good friends again. It honestly is about *learning* to trust again, and learning not to write everybody off.

― The Square Root Of Negative Two (kate), Monday, 23 May 2005 11:39 (twenty-one years ago)

People who only want to meet people who are *worthy* of them and then wonder why they're on their own - C/D?

― Marcello Carlin (nostudium), Tuesday, 24 May 2005 04:46 (twenty-one years ago)

I dunno, Marcello. In theory saying somebody isn't *worthy* of you sounds incredibly arrogant. But in practice I think it's a pretty common thought.

― Remy (x Jeremy), Tuesday, 24 May 2005 05:09 (twenty-one years ago)

There is such a thing as pearls before swine, guys.

― Orbit (Orbit), Tuesday, 24 May 2005 05:15 (twenty-one years ago)

what's wrong with just making an informed decision from the outset about whether or not you're going to trust somebody? rather than waiting until after you get burned. a little self-preservation is a good thing.

― cindy williams permafrost (Jody Beth Rosen), Tuesday, 24 May 2005 05:19 (twenty-one years ago)

How can you make an informed decision about someone you don't know?

― Orbit (Orbit), Tuesday, 24 May 2005 05:20 (twenty-one years ago)

how much time do you need to figure out whether someone is full of shit?

― cindy williams permafrost (Jody Beth Rosen), Tuesday, 24 May 2005 05:21 (twenty-one years ago)

How much time do YOU need?

― Orbit (Orbit), Tuesday, 24 May 2005 05:22 (twenty-one years ago)

ten seconds is usually enough.

― cindy williams permafrost (Jody Beth Rosen), Tuesday, 24 May 2005 05:22 (twenty-one years ago)

actually, more like two seconds.

― cindy williams permafrost (Jody Beth Rosen), Tuesday, 24 May 2005 05:23 (twenty-one years ago)

That sounds pretty idiotic to me. Or maybe you haven't run up against any sociopaths yet? That you recognized?

― Orbit (Orbit), Tuesday, 24 May 2005 05:25 (twenty-one years ago)

I can't say with 100% confidence that I will *always* work a person out that fast.

Also too, people can change, and do hurtful things, even aftr being trustworthy to start with.

― Trayce (trayce), Tuesday, 24 May 2005 05:27 (twenty-one years ago)

I dont think everyone sets out to hurt and decieve people, on purpose, all the time. In fact I'm quite sure much of the time its the opposite. We're all just human and make errors and change our minds.

― Trayce (trayce), Tuesday, 24 May 2005 05:28 (twenty-one years ago)

I may be idiotic, but at least I can sleep at night.

― cindy williams permafrost (Jody Beth Rosen), Tuesday, 24 May 2005 05:29 (twenty-one years ago)

Look, just put an ad in the paper and get prospective friends to submit resumes with a minimum of two references. Then you can arrange formal interviews and decide who is WORTHY of being your friend. Makes life so much simpler, doesn't it?

― Marcello Carlin (nostudium), Tuesday, 24 May 2005 05:59 (twenty-one years ago)

Yeah, I shouldn't feed the troll, but you know what? There are a LOT of assholes out there, liars, manipulators and just general cunts. Some people will just flame you randomly in interweb forums because they're so insecure and filled with self loathing that they misread and misunderstand everything that I say.

I have wasted a lot of my life throwing my pearls at swine.

I have wasted a lot of my life thinking that if someone doesn't like me, that it's somehow something wrong with me, rather than Just Their Problem.

That goes for boyfriends, and it goes for friends, too. I've been badly burned by *both* genders.

My Trust, and my Respect is something that people have to earn by being trustworthy and respectful.

You want love? Be lovable. And that means respecting yourself and loving yourself. It's taken me a long time and a lot of harsh times to learn that. And if you don't *get* that, or you think that's somehow elitist or something, then that's your problem. Not mine.

― The Square Root Of Negative Two (kate), Tuesday, 24 May 2005 13:44 (twenty-one years ago)

My Trust, and my Respect is something that people have to earn by being trustworthy and respectful.

I totally agree with this. Although undoubtedly you will make your mind up about someone straightaway, which is fine, but you need to give them the chance to prove you wrong. Some do, some invariably don't. Most ppl have been shit on (not literally obv!) by other people, it's all part of life I guess. The trick is to learn from it & try to move on.

Marcello - you in need of another hug?

― PinXorchiXoR (Pinkpanther), Tuesday, 24 May 2005 13:51 (twenty-one years ago)

I echo what Kate has said. For me, trust is all about reliability and how far people go to to respect and preserve that if they've made the decision to be part of your life in some way. I believe in second chances, and have given and received as such, but it is far easier to do with friends than significant others, I'm finding. Not that I've had notable s.o.'s in my life - far from it - but I'm finding that it's far easier to drop my guards around a buddy than someone I could potentially enter into an intimate relationship with. Quirk of personality, I suppose. I'd love to be more trusting overall, but the realities I've experienced when employing such a tactic in the past have not necessarily been kind. But it's not necessarily for the best if you stop trusting completely. That's a control method, and really, you can't control everything (Michael Jackson to thread).

― The Irrelevant Man (Negativa) (Barima), Tuesday, 24 May 2005 14:15 (twenty-one years ago)

you also have to remember that love is an act of faith. you are putting yourself at great risk when you give your heart to another person. But only by doing so can you hope to gain theirs as well. It's scary but if it works its worth it. And when it doesn't, pick yourself up and try, try again.

― Miss Misery (thatgirl), Tuesday, 24 May 2005 14:23 (twenty-one years ago)

Ooh hark at Queen Joan Crawford up there with her Capitalised Trust and Respect!

I have ample amounts of self-respect, thank you very much. That, among other things, is why I am working and earning a living and you are not.

― Marcello Carlin (nostudium), Wednesday, 25 May 2005 05:50 (twenty-one years ago)

You see, I don't take this kind of thing ANYWHERE outside these boards. IRL I am a kind, considerate, efficient, dependable and more than competent human being. I admit that I don't take shit but then why should I - for one thing, I can afford not to.

Still, it's nice to see that those anger management sessions have proved so helpful to you.

― Marcello Carlin (nostudium), Wednesday, 25 May 2005 05:52 (twenty-one years ago)

wow, what an ass

― hstencil (hstencil), Wednesday, 25 May 2005 05:57 (twenty-one years ago)

I wouldn't be in a position to comment on her ass.

― Marcello Carlin (nostudium), Wednesday, 25 May 2005 05:58 (twenty-one years ago)

i've only seen it once, myself

― hstencil (hstencil), Wednesday, 25 May 2005 05:59 (twenty-one years ago)

but it seemed pretty awesome

― hstencil (hstencil), Wednesday, 25 May 2005 06:01 (twenty-one years ago)

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