Work Is Hell (or, another thread where I whine and whine in the hope of getting pity-attention and end up full of self-hatred and get shouted at by Marcello)

d) Tell the Office Gossip to mind her own fucking business

Is it a big party? Can we all come?

-- Tuomas (tuomas.alh...) (webmail), May 27th, 2005 2:25 PM. (link)

About 200 people, of which at least 2/3 will be people from work and their partners. I'm unlikely to be able to avoid contact with the person in question without it being very obvious what is going on.

(this is assuming that everyone who received an invite goes)

also, yes - d) tell Office Gossip to stop being so fucking obnoxious.

Office Gossip and this other person sound like horrid people, but I'm sure there will be others at the party who aren't like that.

If you can work yourself up to feeling vaguely "fuck them" I say go and show them what you're made of.

Also - people in offices are teribbly self-obessed. I'm sure they don't think so much about you. It could be a chance to get to know some other work people a little better, maybee feel as though you have them in your corner day-to-day.

The office gossip - everyone knows someone like this. ALWAYS it boils down to the same thing - they have nothing of worth going on in their own lives and cannot resist meddling in other people's. You need to get her on her own and tell her firmly that you don't appreciate the way she's behaving and you want it to stop. Do it forcefully enough and it will.

(xxpost)

I know it's not quite as easy as that, but it's a plan, yes?

If you invite people round, even if they can't come this time, they will see that you are willing. Whenever I have to cancel plans with other people (usually of this type, because, like I say, I hate parties too), I usually try to make some smaller, less pressured, alternative plan. You could try that.

Oh, and tell the office gossip to fuck off. Actually use those words. Your popularity will skyrocket.

yeah, that's what i meant.

Haha. People in offices be shoppin'.

Every so often when I've got nothing better to do I run a traffic analyser to see what's flying about on the computer network, just to check that nothing odd seems to be going on. This means that I can see exactly what websites my co-workers are browsing when they're supposed to be doing some work. And, yes, they be shoppin'.

I was also going to suggest you bring someone along, but you said that isn't an option.

sheesh, when i signed up i thought ilx had worldwide coverage! i must consult the contract.

I know it sounds like pretty simplistic advice but seriously go there and give it your absolute best. And if something goes wrong then you can't be blamed because you gave it your very best shot. And at least you'll be able to be proud of your efforts.

You go there, give it 100%, hold your head up high and let them know you do not give a solitary shit.

The Office Gossip has a second job doing bar work, and keeps trying to persuade me to go to her pub in an evening. I keep refusing, partly because it's five miles away with no public transport, and partly becuase it would mean spending and evening sitting at a bar, on my own, looking sad and lonely. And looking like an alcoholic, too.

ILX *does* have worldwide coverage. And I'm the local representative, I think. Dr C is from this area, but I don't think he's lived here for years.

There are some colleagues I do get along with reasonably well, but I'm not sure there is anyone I get along with well enough to ask them any favours.

Everyone here drives, so I'd have to ask someone for a lift if I wanted to arrive with someone. And, as I said, I don't think i *could* do that.

If I do go, the Office Gossip will be all "AHA! See! I knew I could get you to come!"

If I don't, I'll get "AHA! I knew you wouldn't go! I was deliberately trying to put you off."

(But definitely plan something particular & fun to do that night.)

is this the same gossip person that behaved badly when you asked someone on a date?

Yup.

That said, you should certainly give yourself escape routes. Plan something else for later, so if things are going awkwardly you'll have an excuse to duck out. Drink a little but not a lot. And with 200 people, it should be easy to avoid the person you don't want to see -- just drift off to the bathroom or to freshen your drink whenever he/she comes by, and chances are it won't even be very noticable.

Seriously, though: if you're tired of feeling antisocial, then put on your game face and get out there. Even if you don't really like the people, even if it's not going to be any fun, even if you're just going to pop in for an hour and then run -- that's how you get started. And really, it'll probably be fine: if people are all bringing spouses or dates or friends, there'll be plenty of people wandering around not knowing anyone and happy to chat.

while i like a good chinwag myself i must say i think gossiping is only ok when it doesn't give other folk the shits. i say go to the party, have an awesome time (follow Hari's and nabisco's advice, i like the idea of an escape route but make it flexible so you can stay if you are having a good time) and completely blank the office gossip now and forevermore. no one is going to notice if you avoid the other person you don't want to see amongst 200-odd people. by the sounds of it everyone else is bound to know the gossip has a fat mouth so they won't believe anything she says anyway.

i am pretty shy but i've noticed that the more i make myself go to these parties and whatnot the easier it gets, because (i) i'm getting more used to chatting to people i don't know really well and (ii) i know more people each time i do it. so it's worth it i reckon. and it's only a couple of hours out of your life, even if it is a bit awful it's not the end of the world.

ICE COLD.

Go. Make an alternate plan that, even if it doesn't actually exist, is plausible enough that you can excuse yourself when you feel like it. Staying at home is the WORST idea. Staying at home means not doing anything, whereas at least *trying* to go to the party means you still have the option of going home and drinking gin. From the bottle. While you watch terrible re-runs of Mad TV because the clicker's broken and you're too miserable and drunk to actually get up and change the channel.

Maybe I'm used to companies where they jam the equal opps thing down yr throat but this kind of bullying (and bullying it is) is just disgusting, and I'm sorry you have to put up with it :(

I was lucky enough to have friends at my work (people who were friends before we worked there, etc) so I could hide and drink and bitch with them, because the cliquey bitches in my office were even worse hell at work parties (get drunk, bitch totally openly about/at people they hated., forcibly drag people to dance to really didnt want to, etc).

It's liking eating too fast and then being too full. Only with BOOZE!

I cure this by driving everywhere nowadays and not drinking.

And hey, Caitlin, guess what? I'm feeling like crap at the moment. My life is going nowhere. I never do anything (apart from going to work, shopping, reading, listening to music, and other essential bodily functions) or see anyone, or indeed interact with anyone, family or not, apart from going up to see my mum periodically. Oh, and I'm the odd-looking one in the back office who acts creepy all the time. I don't see any of my work colleagues outside work and they never see me.

My writing career has gone pear-shaped. My blog is dead. The book deal is a no-deal.

Those who were genuine "friends" I have allowed to drift away.

You see, Caitlin, it's not just you...

My writing career has gone pear-shaped. My blog is dead. The book deal is a no-deal.

Those who were genuine "friends" I have allowed to drift away.

If I'd ever had a writing career, then you would be me!

I've just found out that someone else at work had a party at the weekend, and invited everyone in the building except me. Look how popular I am.

The Office Gossip hasn't actually spoken to me since Friday morning; I'm wondering if she might actually have realised how she's behaving. It's unlikely, though.

As things stand, you're feeling down. If you go, there is a chance you'll feel even more down having tried to do something different, and will confirm those parts of your thinking that want to make you the issue. But if you don't go, then you'll eventually feel down for not having gone, and therefore it will confirm those parts of you which will want to make you the issue.

Given that there's a likely you'll be in the same place, emotionally speaking, regardless, the issue comes from what ass-damaging (ass=ego cf Pulp Fiction here) things could happen.

Lots of people is a good thing. It means that you can slip away without it being a big thing (unlike say a house party, where there's usually a corridor of exit shame to be braved).

The more people there are, the higher likelihood of there being people there who are hoping that it's not full of smug marrieds of even worse, dull marrieds. There might be married who are looking to talk to someone who isn't utterly obsessed with work (since that will seemingly be the common factor).

My suggestion would be to acquire the party equivalent of a namebadge at a conference. Something that allows a complete stranger to walk up to you and make awkward smalltalk, when they simply want to start a conversation. It can be mundane, but provide the way for shy people to break the ice by giving them their introduction line. Football, for example, works well here - I'm not saying you should by an 'In Cod we Trust' Grimsby Town T-shirt; more that football shirts, by declaring an affiliation, give people a piece of information about you to start things off.

In other words, what Martin said.

party was much quieter than expected. avoideance-person was not there, but might have been hiding in the ohter bar with Office Gossip who disappeared for most of the night.

do not feel suicidal. delt v *meh* for a lot of the time, but was cheerful for a lot too.

did not dance, because nobody else did either. apart from people who vere VERY VERY drunk. drunker than me.

(end standard whining plz)