Is self-assembly furniture sent by God to try us?

Message Bookmarked

Bookmark Removed

Subtitled: Why I have made no progress in building a clothing rail in the last hour.

It can't be that hard, but it is! The screws don't screw. I hate it. It's even from Habitat, so the instructions are in English rather than Ikea's Euro pictures, yet still it remains in bits.

Why God? Why?

― Anna (Anna), Friday, 29 July 2005 13:35 (twenty years ago)

yes, it is.

― lauren (laurenp), Friday, 29 July 2005 13:36 (twenty years ago)

Defend the indefensible: Allen keys.

― Anna (Anna), Friday, 29 July 2005 13:37 (twenty years ago)

What's so bad about the poor humble Allen key?

― Forest Pines (ForestPines), Friday, 29 July 2005 13:39 (twenty years ago)

aw. i kind of like assembling furnitures actually. i would offer to build the thing for you but guess it'll be too late by the time i get round to it.

― ken c (ken c), Friday, 29 July 2005 13:39 (twenty years ago)

allen keys are great, mountain bikes & guitars wouldn't live with out them. and thats just for starters.

― not-goodwin (not-goodwin), Friday, 29 July 2005 13:40 (twenty years ago)

You always save the allen key. Then, when you want one, it's gone!

― mark grout (mark grout), Friday, 29 July 2005 13:40 (twenty years ago)

i think the secret to understanding so-called self-assembly furniture is to realise that IT IS LYING TO YOU. none of it ever works!

that, or the manufacturers are encouraging the public to try wonky furniture and avant-garde angles more in their interior deco.

― The Lex (The Lex), Friday, 29 July 2005 13:41 (twenty years ago)

self assembly furniture is a curse send down to give bad stand-up comics material

― Ed (dali), Friday, 29 July 2005 13:41 (twenty years ago)

It's not screwing my screws! I had planned to spend the afternoon listening to Roxy Music and building my shiny new rail. I have listened to Roxy Music. I have watched Daria. I have eaten rye bread. I keep coming back to the bloody rail, hoping for a new insight and insight does not come. The rail is in bits. I trod on a screw. What am I doing wrong ILE?

― Anna (Anna), Friday, 29 July 2005 13:41 (twenty years ago)

what the hell is an allen key?!

― The Lex (The Lex), Friday, 29 July 2005 13:41 (twenty years ago)

allen wrenches are awesome! best hand tool. i love assembling things.

― caitlin oh no (caitxa1), Friday, 29 July 2005 13:41 (twenty years ago)

this is of course coming from someone with a degree in engineering and who has never had a problem with a self assembly anything.

― Ed (dali), Friday, 29 July 2005 13:42 (twenty years ago)

Trust a girl to moan about an Allen key!

― not-goodwin (not-goodwin), Friday, 29 July 2005 13:42 (twenty years ago)

Self-assembly furniture: at least it's not self-assembly aircraft.

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Friday, 29 July 2005 13:43 (twenty years ago)

Screwing self-tappers into cheap shit wood is usually the worst bit. Or pre-drilled holes drilled by people who can't read drawings. Trying not to swear in front of the kids ain't easy either.

Allen keys are great.

― Onimo (GerryNemo), Friday, 29 July 2005 13:43 (twenty years ago)

Anna are you sure you have all the screws that came in the box? Sometimes those plastic bags can be really small.

― 57 7th (calstars), Friday, 29 July 2005 13:43 (twenty years ago)

I am only two levels away from full hysteria Goodwin. Now, of all times, do not try it.

― Anna (Anna), Friday, 29 July 2005 13:44 (twenty years ago)

what the hell is an allen key?!

A hexagonal metal rod, bent into an L-shape.

― Forest Pines (ForestPines), Friday, 29 July 2005 13:46 (twenty years ago)

also, allen keys are easier if you wind with the long end of it. (leverage and stuff)

― ken c (ken c), Friday, 29 July 2005 13:46 (twenty years ago)

It's great fun assembling furniture... for five minutes. Then either you smash things against the wall or start arguing with your partner. Finall y you think you assembled it, it looks great... You sit in the couch look at the cupboard and realize you've installed one of the boards the wrong way. Anna, if you're going mental, leave it for a day.

― nathalie's body's designed for two (stevie nixed), Friday, 29 July 2005 13:47 (twenty years ago)

p.s. are allen keys really invented by woody allen?

― ken c (ken c), Friday, 29 July 2005 13:48 (twenty years ago)

There are eight identical screws. There is an inventory of all the stuff in the box. The inventory says I should have eight identical screws. This is why I am annoyed. The whole thing makes no sense. Habitat are laughing at me.
I think I may leave it Nath. I certainly can't build it.

― Anna (Anna), Friday, 29 July 2005 13:49 (twenty years ago)

Besides there's another Daria episode on at 4:30.

― Anna (Anna), Friday, 29 July 2005 13:50 (twenty years ago)

allen keys are easier if you wind with the long end of it. (leverage and stuff)

Yes, you only want to stick the long end in the screw and wind the short end if you really have to - if there isn't enough room to do it the other way around.

― Forest Pines (ForestPines), Friday, 29 July 2005 13:50 (twenty years ago)

Sorry Anna, I’m bored out of my brain and that’s when I get mischievous. It’s nothing personal. if you could see me, you'd see i'm doing a forgive me face.

― not-goodwin (not-goodwin), Friday, 29 July 2005 13:50 (twenty years ago)

I have a special GIANT allen key at work for unscrewing our big screen doors. I actually have jump in the air to achieve the required leverage to turn it, it's great.

Anna, I have often found with those clothes rail things that you can't get anywhere unless the component poles are at perfect right angles to the one you're screwing them to, is that the problem?

― Archel (Archel), Friday, 29 July 2005 13:52 (twenty years ago)

I forgive you.

Archel, you may be on to something there...

― Anna (Anna), Friday, 29 July 2005 13:56 (twenty years ago)

Did you have that on Tuesday?

― suzy (suzy), Friday, 29 July 2005 14:05 (twenty years ago)

I don't believe in God

― RJG (RJG), Friday, 29 July 2005 14:07 (twenty years ago)

Ha ha. The instructions also recommend that you "plan to assemble the furniture as near as possible to the place you intend it to be used." Why thank you.

No Suzy, Dave bought it yesterday.

In other news: A man who looks like Martin Skidmore has just walked past my house accompanied by a young man with a Rhythm Factory haircut. Can you tell I'm putting things off?

― Anna (Anna), Friday, 29 July 2005 14:07 (twenty years ago)

allen key (UK) = hex wrench (us)

― Ed (dali), Friday, 29 July 2005 14:14 (twenty years ago)

Or sometimes just referred to as an "allen wrench" for double the fun.

I have hex bits for my ratcheting screwdriver. They save lives. I've built whole futons and bookshelves and coffeetables and desks with shelves with swinging arms, after a good go around of IKEA building I get this weird euphoria/disappointment. It's like with LEGO, you get done putting it all together and it's neat looking but really you're sad because there aren't any more parts to put together and you've nothing to do.

Sometimes I think I would like to be one of those people who comes to your house and assembles the stuff for you. Then I realize it is not actually a superhuman ability that I have and stick to my horribly stupid and massively overpaid office job.

― TOMBOT, Friday, 29 July 2005 14:43 (twenty years ago)

Like Tombot, this is making my fixing fingers twitch. Though generally what happens there is that I end up gluing them together in under 5 seconds, at which point they stop twitching.

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Friday, 29 July 2005 15:02 (twenty years ago)

allen key (UK) = hex wrench (us)

they call them allen keys in the US too

― kyle (akmonday), Friday, 29 July 2005 15:23 (twenty years ago)

not to be confused with:

http://electronicintifada.net/features/articles/images/alankeyes.jpg

― Sterling Clover (s_clover), Friday, 29 July 2005 15:28 (twenty years ago)

Don't give up, Anna! Think of the manpoints you'd get for completing it!

― Masonic Boom (kate), Friday, 29 July 2005 15:28 (twenty years ago)

Self assembly furniture is taking jobs away from proper craftsmen and therefore is wrong. It is especially wrong when you have to assemble it in a cold bedroom for a month non-stop for some whiny American kids on MTV.

The secret of SAF is not caring, walking away and then tricking it to assembling itself.

― Pete (Pete), Friday, 29 July 2005 15:38 (twenty years ago)

TORONTO, March 10 /CNW/ - Today, Norwegian Prime Minister Kjell Magne
Bondevik expressed concern regarding IKEA's "view of women". Bondevik stated
in an interview that women figures are excluded in IKEA's assembly
instructions. He claims that there are no illustrated females shown in
assembly instructions. This is incorrect as IKEA has featured female figures
in its assembly instructions since 1987. The assembly instructions are the
same for all markets. They are not country adapted.

― TOMBOT, Friday, 29 July 2005 16:23 (twenty years ago)

Pishtosh! Anna – From the chick who has total mechanical aptitude but is still often challenged by assemble-it yourself furniture and such... It’s the product not you! Do not feel inferior, you’re not! Watch the Daria episode and chill for a while and collect your wits. Then when the rail isn't expecting it, sneak up and show it who's boss. You're WAY smarter and craftier than the sorry rail and the lot who designed it. Get those rods very perpendicular and get the screws in just enough to hold it in place. Do the same on the other end. Now, I’m sure that your fingers are already sore from using the bad cheap hex keys provided free with the kit, so go find the pliers and grip the hex key/allen wrench with the pliers and finish screwing the screws in all the way. The holes are usually poorly drilled, which makes it all the much harder to get the screws in, but try your best to get them in straight. No doubt there will be some stripping of the screw head and/or the threads themselves, but persevere and get them in to the point of just tight enough. Go from screw to screw, and get them all tighted up, adjusting the rail angle slightly if you need to to get the screws to got in a bit easier. Last of all when all the screws are in reasonably tight, then make one last round of all the screws and tighten them down firmly on opposite sides. Hopefully, VOILA! Clothes rail is mission accomplished. Stand the sucker up and hang something on it straightaway so it knows you’re in charge. Good luck!

You friendly Mechanical Chick,

― Wiggy (Wiggy), Friday, 29 July 2005 16:42 (twenty years ago)

im having trouble with my fan from superdrug. it kind of goes together ok, but im looking at the packet of screws that came with it, and wondering where they go.

its standing on the base, but if you lift it up the base remains, so the screws are presumably to attach it to the base, but its not obvious how

― charltonlido (gareth), Friday, 29 July 2005 16:44 (twenty years ago)

allen keys are actually proof that god loves us.

― AaronK (AaronK), Friday, 29 July 2005 16:49 (twenty years ago)

Charleton, check the bottom of the base. Maybe there?

― Wiggy (Wiggy), Friday, 29 July 2005 18:16 (twenty years ago)

I heart superdrug

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Friday, 29 July 2005 19:21 (twenty years ago)

My girlfriend and I almost broke up over the assembly of an Ikea kitchen unit.

― Hurting (Hurting), Saturday, 30 July 2005 02:30 (twenty years ago)

T/S: Ikea is Crap or I'm an Idiot

― Hurting (Hurting), Saturday, 30 July 2005 02:31 (twenty years ago)

I have a swiss-army-like tool with nine different sizes of allen wrench(es? that doesn't look right), it's much easier than the tiny little thing that comes with self-assembly furniture.

Ikea opens here on Aug. 3, I'm wondering how long I should give it before trying to go inside. Two weeks? Three?

― milozauckerman (miloaukerman), Saturday, 30 July 2005 02:43 (twenty years ago)

Uh, never?

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Saturday, 30 July 2005 03:42 (twenty years ago)

im gonna use this thread as an excuse to repaste one of my fav nitsuh posts of all time-

We Americans are blessed with a raving reactionary lunatic named Alan Keyes. (Here, look, his Declaration Foundation has lots to say about things like abortion and whether or not Harry Potter books will lead our young into the moral cesspool of the occult.) MSNBC, apparently readying itself for a losing race-to- the-bottom with Fox News, gave this guy a program. I saw an ad for it the other day, and fucking lost it over the title:

ALAN KEYES IS MAKING SENSE

I mean, good lord, Alan Keyes? Making sense? I'd pay money to see that!

-- Ni~|suh (nitsuhpitc...), January 25th, 2002.

― 2, Saturday, 30 July 2005 03:52 (twenty years ago)

I'm thinking if I ever have to assemble Ikeamajig stuff again, I'm gonna buy or borrow a cordless drill with a set of allan key bits. Being able to just go WHIZZZ in 2 seconds flat would be soooo much easier than the tedious winding by hand.

Also, I reckon it is nigh on impossible to self assemble large pieces on ones own - unless maybe you have a carpenters bench and some bracket things.

― Trayce (trayce), Saturday, 30 July 2005 04:09 (twenty years ago)

You must be logged in to post. Please either login here, or if you are not registered, you may register here.