Advice for the Male Virgin

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ok, i'm almost certainly going to lose my virginity in the very near future. with a girl who is vastly more experienced than i am. she knows i am a virgin.

but i thought this would be a fun thread. any advice for my first time?

― anonymous virgin, Wednesday, 17 August 2005 22:02 (twenty years ago)

Nabisco says: relax.

― nabiscothingy (nory), Wednesday, 17 August 2005 22:05 (twenty years ago)

don't do it!!!

― RJG (RJG), Wednesday, 17 August 2005 22:07 (twenty years ago)

yes. relax. you'll come around soon enough.

― oops (Oops), Wednesday, 17 August 2005 22:07 (twenty years ago)

don't make plans to meet people at an ethiopian restaurant shortly thereafter.

― jaymc (jaymc), Wednesday, 17 August 2005 22:08 (twenty years ago)

???

― Spencer Chow (spencermfi), Wednesday, 17 August 2005 22:14 (twenty years ago)

half hour late, explanations!

― Adam In Real Life (nordicskilla), Wednesday, 17 August 2005 22:15 (twenty years ago)

Also, Ethiopian food tastes bad, so better to avoid it by having sex with this girl instead.

― Adam In Real Life (nordicskilla), Wednesday, 17 August 2005 22:16 (twenty years ago)

I love Ethiopian food! The place in Berkeley is superb.

― jaymc (jaymc), Wednesday, 17 August 2005 22:18 (twenty years ago)

but i thought this would be a fun thread. any advice for my first time?

(i sometimes feel icky posting on sex threads, but here goes...)

if you're nervous, don't worry about it. you'll continue to be nervous around girls even when you're more experienced. it's just jitters. once you ARE more relaxed, it'll be fine. don't be afraid to tell the girl you're nervous.

(xpost, adam, you're mental.)

― s/c (Jody Beth Rosen), Wednesday, 17 August 2005 22:18 (twenty years ago)

Yes, leave plenty of time. If the intial go-round is a little, you know, brief, you'll want to be able to take your time and go at it again.

Not that you should worry about anything in particular other than both of you having a pleasant time. Pleasant is fine. Try not to go nuts obsessing over whether or not the girl in question is pleased-enough or what she's thinking of you or any of those "performance" things, because it will backfire and make the experience worth for the both of you. Just be nice and everything will be fine. Getting along non-awkwardly is worth more than trying to impress anyone. And while it's easy to imagine that there's something you don't know, or something you're doing that's weird, you're actually more likely to make everything work right if you're just taking it easy -- it's when you're trying to be all awesome that you risk doing something strange.

― nabiscothingy (nory), Wednesday, 17 August 2005 22:21 (twenty years ago)

The place in Berkeley is superb.

no, it isn't!

Sorry, Ethiopian food is like the only food I cannot eat!

(sORRY NABISCO!)

― Adam In Real Life (nordicskilla), Wednesday, 17 August 2005 22:22 (twenty years ago)

Adam, you so crazy.

― Leon C. (Ex Leon), Wednesday, 17 August 2005 22:23 (twenty years ago)

Is that why you declined my invitation to join me there when I was in town?

― jaymc (jaymc), Wednesday, 17 August 2005 22:24 (twenty years ago)

I say everything above as a 42-year-old Florida schoolteacher who's had heterosexual sex with countless virginal students.*

* may not be true

― nabiscothingy (nory), Wednesday, 17 August 2005 22:24 (twenty years ago)

At least you're heterosexual, though. Whew!

― jaymc (jaymc), Wednesday, 17 August 2005 22:25 (twenty years ago)

have a wank about two hours beforehand. that way you won't worry about shooting yr load too soon.

no, i'm being serious. really!

― grimly fiendish (grimlord), Wednesday, 17 August 2005 22:25 (twenty years ago)

I'm not into Ethiopian food either, based only on the very small amount of it I have tried.

As for the sex, losing virginity to woman with loads of experience probably a good thing as hopefully they'll have a good idea of what to do, what works for them and it won't be mutually awkward. Plus if they already know of your 'status' and they're fine with it one can assume that expectations are not high and there's no big pressure. Basically you are one jammy bastard. Enjoy.

― Sociah T Azzahole (blueski), Wednesday, 17 August 2005 22:29 (twenty years ago)

(I forgot to add "male" students -- I was trying to make myself a woman!)

― nabiscothingy (nory), Wednesday, 17 August 2005 22:31 (twenty years ago)

I am in agreement with Adam about Ethiopian food! The bread tastes spoiled to me!

― Spencer Chow (spencermfi), Wednesday, 17 August 2005 22:33 (twenty years ago)

Get a condom that won't pop off every time you try to roll it down past the base of the head of your penis.

Losing my virginity to a woman who had plenty of sex was actually pretty comforting to me. I think it's most important to be communicative during intercourse, like Sociah implied.

― Ian Riese-Moraine: a casualty of social estrangement. (Eastern Mantra), Wednesday, 17 August 2005 22:34 (twenty years ago)

Don't worry about how long you "go" for. It takes time to learn, and most guys don't last more than twenty minutes the first time. Your partner will know this.

Everything else you need to know you can learn by listening to Ludacris.

― rogermexico (rogermexico), Wednesday, 17 August 2005 22:35 (twenty years ago)

What exactly are you counting in that twenty minutes???

― nabiscothingy (nory), Wednesday, 17 August 2005 22:36 (twenty years ago)

Do it in the butt.

― The Original Jimmy Mod: Kind Warrior (The Famous Jimmy Mod), Wednesday, 17 August 2005 22:36 (twenty years ago)

waht is whit the etheopian food hate? the bread is fresher than like anywhere else -- so fresh it's soft. do you dude's not like indian breads either!?

― Sterling Clover (s_clover), Wednesday, 17 August 2005 22:36 (twenty years ago)

Is that why you declined my invitation to join me there when I was in town?

NO! I didn't get your message until late and I hadn't eaten there yet at that point!

― Adam In Real Life (nordicskilla), Wednesday, 17 August 2005 22:36 (twenty years ago)

I LOVE Indian breads.

― Adam In Real Life (nordicskilla), Wednesday, 17 August 2005 22:36 (twenty years ago)

I lost my virginity to someone who was fairly experienced, too. Sociah is right: hooray low expectations! She was just impressed that I got the condom on with no trouble. "How'd you know how to do that??"

― oops (Oops), Wednesday, 17 August 2005 22:37 (twenty years ago)

And I love Breads Of India!

― Adam In Real Life (nordicskilla), Wednesday, 17 August 2005 22:37 (twenty years ago)

What exactly are you counting in that twenty minutes???

iirc, mostly waiting for the pizza to arrive

― rogermexico (rogermexico), Wednesday, 17 August 2005 22:38 (twenty years ago)

one can assume that expectations are not high

zing!

― s/c (Jody Beth Rosen), Wednesday, 17 August 2005 22:38 (twenty years ago)

(xpost) There's a germane jpeg I could post, but I won't.

― jaymc (jaymc), Wednesday, 17 August 2005 22:40 (twenty years ago)

(xpost) There's a germane jpeg I could post, but I won't.

http://www.npg.org.uk/live/images/bwgg26.jpg

― s/c (Jody Beth Rosen), Wednesday, 17 August 2005 22:42 (twenty years ago)

ethiopean ace bandage bread is FUN!

i can never get anyone to go with me, though.

i think i would feel guilty taking a boy's vriginity... but good luck! she will probably be very understanding, so just have fun, and don't be afraid to laugh at little mishaps.

― tehRZA gibbons (tehresa), Wednesday, 17 August 2005 22:43 (twenty years ago)

injera is NUMMMMMMMMMM. so comforting, like a linus blanket or something.

― s/c (Jody Beth Rosen), Wednesday, 17 August 2005 22:44 (twenty years ago)

It's like eating bread that has sat in the kitchen sink through a week's worth of dishes!

― Adam In Real Life (nordicskilla), Wednesday, 17 August 2005 22:45 (twenty years ago)

ethiopian food is the best kind of food, by far!

― caitlin oh no (caitxa1), Wednesday, 17 August 2005 22:46 (twenty years ago)

PS to Nabisco - while the statement is technically accurate, I am shocked that you were the only one to blink. Roar Lions, Roar.

― rogermexico (rogermexico), Wednesday, 17 August 2005 22:46 (twenty years ago)

I think Roger's trying to freak out the virgin. Bluntly: you could theoretically come two seconds after you get it in there. But if you're cool about it, it'll be fine for everyone, and you'll give it another whirl later. Hence: just chill. Which, like I said, makes everything work better anyway.

Possibly this thread is a cosmic clue that you should spread injera and doro wat all over her body and then eat it off.

― nabiscothingy (nory), Wednesday, 17 August 2005 22:47 (twenty years ago)

The bread tastes spoiled to me!

not spoiled, but sour, like how things that have been pickled are sour (i'm gonna get in so much trouble for saying "pickled" on a sex thread, i just know it). sourdough is sour, and people like that!

it gives it an interesting kick, i think. some breads don't taste like anything!

― s/c (Jody Beth Rosen), Wednesday, 17 August 2005 22:47 (twenty years ago)

i want to make it but teff flower costs approximately the same as gold

― caitlin oh no (caitxa1), Wednesday, 17 August 2005 22:49 (twenty years ago)

nabisco OTM again

― rogermexico (rogermexico), Wednesday, 17 August 2005 22:50 (twenty years ago)

I like this sexy bread thread.

― The Original Jimmy Mod: Kind Warrior (The Famous Jimmy Mod), Wednesday, 17 August 2005 22:50 (twenty years ago)

Everybody knows the best kinds of food are cajun, southwest and seafood!

And cereal!

― Adam In Real Life (nordicskilla), Wednesday, 17 August 2005 22:50 (twenty years ago)

otm about the doro wat, and not lasting that long!

xpost

― caitlin oh no (caitxa1), Wednesday, 17 August 2005 22:51 (twenty years ago)

I'm sad that the Injera Online people went out of business.

― Elvis Telecom (Chris Barrus), Wednesday, 17 August 2005 22:51 (twenty years ago)

do it

― cozen (Cozen), Wednesday, 17 August 2005 22:52 (twenty years ago)

then do it again

― cozen (Cozen), Wednesday, 17 August 2005 22:52 (twenty years ago)

I was convinced that I just simply Did Not Like Ethopian food until I discovered that I had just been going to inferior restaurants.

― Elvis Telecom (Chris Barrus), Wednesday, 17 August 2005 22:52 (twenty years ago)

if i put away a nickel for every time nabisco was otm, i'd be able to make a sizable down payment on that house that everyone on the "anti-ambition" thread keeps persuading me to buy.

― s/c (Jody Beth Rosen), Wednesday, 17 August 2005 22:52 (twenty years ago)

Skipping 34 messages at this point... Click here if you want to load them all.

odd thing: everyone seems to remember the music they lost their virginity to. That should probably be a thread in itself: what music did you lose yr virginity to?

― stet (stet), Thursday, 18 August 2005 00:39 (twenty years ago)

mtv italia.

― s/c (Jody Beth Rosen), Thursday, 18 August 2005 00:40 (twenty years ago)

your voice WILL squeak like a little assbound gerbil

it's funny cause it's true. and it contains the phrase "little assbound gerbil".

― jermaine (jnoble), Thursday, 18 August 2005 00:48 (twenty years ago)

also i'm pretty sure there already are at least two "what music did you lose your virginity to" threads. check the archives (if the search function is working).

― s/c (Jody Beth Rosen), Thursday, 18 August 2005 00:50 (twenty years ago)

So there is

― stet (stet), Thursday, 18 August 2005 01:23 (twenty years ago)

Er, this one.

― stet (stet), Thursday, 18 August 2005 01:25 (twenty years ago)

What the fuck. Amazing thread. Those who hate Ethiopian food are condemned by their own folly.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Thursday, 18 August 2005 03:16 (twenty years ago)

I sometimes wonder if people who are creeped out by injera are being thrown off by trying to consider it bread. Because it isn't a bread; it's injera, and if you want it to be bread you will be creeped out and disappointed. It tastes "sour" because it's slightly fermented -- one method is to throw a little beer in there before letting it sit. I thought ILX was pro-fermentation.

― nabiscothingy, Thursday, 18 August 2005 04:35 (twenty years ago)

if that wasn't posted on the wrong thread i think you're getting a bit too out there for me

― jimmy glass (electricsound), Thursday, 18 August 2005 04:38 (twenty years ago)

saying injera is bread is like saying lee hazlewood is country.

― s/c (Jody Beth Rosen), Thursday, 18 August 2005 04:39 (twenty years ago)

I *love* Ethiopean food and especially injera. However, all my favourite restaurants keep closing down. Waaaah.

Wow, I thought this thread was going to be about sexing with the young boys, but it's all about yummy injera instead. Rock on.

(I like poet shirts in theory. I went through a phase of wearing them. But in practise, you end up looking a bit like a twat. Unless you have long hair, then you either look like a lost member of the New York Dolls or an escapee from a period drama. Same thing, really.)

― Win A Lie-Down, Mrs. Davies (kate), Thursday, 18 August 2005 09:06 (twenty years ago)

Or Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen

― Penelope_111 (Penelope_111), Thursday, 18 August 2005 09:11 (twenty years ago)

Or Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen

lost member of the New York Dolls

― Win A Lie-Down, Mrs. Davies (kate), Thursday, 18 August 2005 09:12 (twenty years ago)

http://www.mountvernonnews.com/local/031905/raiders.jpg

http://www.ear.fm/Encyclopedia%20N/newyorkdolls.jpg

― s/c (Jody Beth Rosen), Thursday, 18 August 2005 09:21 (twenty years ago)

LC's advice was good!

― N_RQ, Thursday, 18 August 2005 09:23 (twenty years ago)

As someone who has deflowered on occasion, I would say: relax. There are very few unforgiveable mistakes you can make when it's your first time, if you're with a nice woman (though that ball dangling thing - ew no). Encourage her to tell you what she wants, don't try anything to ambitious or complicated. Let her put the condom on for you, maybe. Don't be worried about laughing at the absurdity of it all.

Don't: harp on the greater experience of the girl until she feels awkward and possibly whore-like.

― Archel (Archel), Thursday, 18 August 2005 09:34 (twenty years ago)

Taking Sides: letting her know beforehand, or trying to give the impression that you know what's going on?

― Forest Pines (ForestPines), Thursday, 18 August 2005 09:37 (twenty years ago)

jeez, let her know before, easily.

― N_RQ, Thursday, 18 August 2005 09:38 (twenty years ago)

Definitely letting her know.

Solves those "it's weird you have a hole down there!" moments.

(this was never actually said to me, but to a friend of mine.)

― Win A Lie-Down, Mrs. Davies (kate), Thursday, 18 August 2005 09:39 (twenty years ago)

she'll figure it out either way!

― s/c (Jody Beth Rosen), Thursday, 18 August 2005 09:39 (twenty years ago)

Did the gentleman in question think he was going to have to bore one himself?

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Thursday, 18 August 2005 09:41 (twenty years ago)

she'll figure it out either way!
-- s/c (theundergroundhom...), August 18th, 2005.

hah!

― N_RQ, Thursday, 18 August 2005 09:41 (twenty years ago)

Ahahaha Kate. Sorry.

But that reminds me, the entrance to the vagina will almost certainly be lower down than you expect. Not THAT low though - careful!

― Archel (Archel), Thursday, 18 August 2005 09:41 (twenty years ago)

I'm not sure they're surprised by how low it is. I think they're just pretending to be virgins for the "oops, it slipped" thing.

― Win A Lie-Down, Mrs. Davies (kate), Thursday, 18 August 2005 09:44 (twenty years ago)

Oh no, I said 'vagina' and killed the thread!

― Archel (Archel), Thursday, 18 August 2005 11:09 (twenty years ago)

It's OK, I killed the "What Does English Sound Like" thread by talking about Sexx Vikings. Sigh.

― Win A Lie-Down, Mrs. Davies (kate), Thursday, 18 August 2005 11:13 (twenty years ago)

"thank you sensei"

― jocelyn (Jocelyn), Thursday, 18 August 2005 12:38 (twenty years ago)

advice: be safe!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

― ken c (ken c), Thursday, 18 August 2005 12:53 (twenty years ago)

if not, if you have a really hot curry at lunch on the day and then take a big wee later you'd get all the chilli goodness on your love-prod and then it's cum city.

― ken c (ken c), Thursday, 18 August 2005 12:55 (twenty years ago)

>Create mental note "Do not have sex with ken chu"

Mental note with that name already exists. Abort, retry, ignore?

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Thursday, 18 August 2005 13:02 (twenty years ago)

How do you mean, Ken? Like not try to poke her eyeball?

― nathalie starts to cry each time we meet (stevie nixed), Thursday, 18 August 2005 13:02 (twenty years ago)

make sure she tosses your salad...or alternatively you toss hers.

― Lupton Pitman (Chris V), Thursday, 18 August 2005 13:07 (twenty years ago)

you don't want to go bed with someone after a hot curry, surely

― Sociah T Azzahole (blueski), Thursday, 18 August 2005 13:07 (twenty years ago)

especially if there is salad tossing involved.

― Lupton Pitman (Chris V), Thursday, 18 August 2005 13:09 (twenty years ago)

advice: if there's grass on the field, you can play

― ken c (ken c), Thursday, 18 August 2005 13:57 (twenty years ago)

advice: if she's old enough to bleed she's old enough to breed

― ken c (ken c), Thursday, 18 August 2005 13:57 (twenty years ago)

you don't want to go bed with someone after a hot curry, surely

you've gotta be kidding!

― ken c (ken c), Thursday, 18 August 2005 13:58 (twenty years ago)

are you suggesting there are aphrodisiacal merits that somehow outweigh the prospect of flatulence? or are you turned on by the 'Dutch oven' thing you sicko

― Sociah T Azzahole (blueski), Thursday, 18 August 2005 14:01 (twenty years ago)

don't answer that.

― N_RQ, Thursday, 18 August 2005 14:02 (twenty years ago)

I am so happy my first post took this thread in a wonderful direction.

― jaymc (jaymc), Thursday, 18 August 2005 14:22 (twenty years ago)

So while gentleman shouldn't kiss 'n' tell... how'd it go, dood? You tap that shit? Your nuts and voice drop last night? Did you ruin her for all the others?

― The Original Jimmy Mod: Kind Warrior (The Famous Jimmy Mod), Thursday, 18 August 2005 14:29 (twenty years ago)

"I am going to make this boy SHIT his MIND, lol"

MOSTO ROFFLISH

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Thursday, 18 August 2005 14:42 (twenty years ago)

Omg Archel you make it sound like you deflower virgins on your lunch break or something -- just "on occasion," like a gardening hobby.

NB our virgin never said he hasn't had experience with the relevant bits, right? He may well have firsthand hole-finding experience. Besides, we have the internet now, it's like 30% demonstrations of exactly where the hole is; it's not so hard. Although I suppose it'd be normal to fumble without actual visual contact, cause you start at the top, and there's some good stuff there, and then you start working your way down and it could be like more stuff ... more stuff ... okay still ... wait, umm ... aha, there it is. And there's variation that could throw you off. Like (attention virgin) with some women you might kind of have to, umm, spread open the entryway, as opposed to trying to press your way in. Just let her do that stuff, though, she'll get off on impressing you like that.

We should totally make this thread a really in-depth dicussion of the details and the mechanics -- it'd be a boon to virgins everywhere!

― nabisco (nabisco), Thursday, 18 August 2005 16:18 (twenty years ago)

LeCoq = funniest human

― roxymuzak (roxymuzak), Thursday, 18 August 2005 17:03 (twenty years ago)

has he boned her yet?

― ken c (ken c), Friday, 19 August 2005 12:01 (twenty years ago)

eleven years pass...

twenty minutes? fuck off

― loudmouth darraghmac ween (darraghmac), Saturday, 17 December 2016 00:35 (nine years ago)

I know, 45 minutes to an hour is the norm for first timers

Put on an episode of csi: Miami in the background. When the credits roll, you're good

― Karl Malone, Saturday, 17 December 2016 00:39 (nine years ago)

when the action climaxes, turn yr attention to yr lover

― loudmouth darraghmac ween (darraghmac), Saturday, 17 December 2016 00:41 (nine years ago)

good thread

this was pre-lj, right?

― mookieproof, Saturday, 17 December 2016 01:41 (nine years ago)

The Ethiopian food sidebar was a classic thread derailment.

― a little too mature to be cute (Aimless), Saturday, 17 December 2016 01:43 (nine years ago)

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