four years

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Annual performance review?

Up until very recently this had been the worst year so far. Could have done almost everything better. But near-irrevocable nervous breakdown virtually wiped me out, alienated me from nearly everybody until, to my eternal shame, it took the death of two people I considered friends to kick me out of my suicidal torpor.

So it's taken me four years even to summon up the nerve to go to a club for a night out dancing. Because I remember what it was like dancing with you, especially in the house when no one else was looking, and couldn't face doing it with anyone else.

Other people; those constant obstructions to self-destruction.

Four years ago I was still relatively new to ILx; didn't really know anyone in it (astonishing that I managed to attend one FAP while Laura was still alive) and there weren't any Poptimisms or Club FTs to go to.

But the thing is, ILx is kind of my community now. It's where most of my friends are, it's proved itself more than capable of helping me back on my feet recently when times have been tough through no fault of my own, it's where I more or less feel at home.

I didn't have any community four years ago. Oxford was a ghost town which had closed its shutters on me, family included.

It's all coming together now, finally, at long last, or more accurately I'm all coming together now. Thing is, it was all down to me. I made the overtures. I did the footwork, forced myself along to FAPs and found to my astonishment that the claustrophobia may only have been because of the cobwebs clogging up my mind.

Things are therefore definitely looking up, but only because I decided to look up for a change instead of down.

Learning to laugh again. That's very important. Maybe the most important thing of all.

Because all I need now to make the picture complete is someone to share my life with, someone who'll want to keep on dancing with me after the dancing has ended, someone who'll seek me out. But of course I have to seek them out first. Which means that last week can't be a one-off. I need to get back into the habit of doing this sort of thing regularly and not be afraid of ghosts or rejection.

Caution - it stops you from getting hurt but also from being touched.

It is like baby steps. One at a time. Clumsily you learn how to do it, bit by bit. Often you will fall down/back into your old kneejerk habits. But you just have to keep going, restarting, re-trying until eventually you master the art of something which comes naturally to most people but sadly not to me.

Because if I can learn to laugh and live again then it follows that I can make others laugh and live and that's what will attract people to me.

The loss doesn't go away - how could it, she's still such an integral part of me - but for the first time in four years I can see a way of managing it.

― Marcello Carlin (nostudium), Thursday, 25 August 2005 07:02 (twenty years ago)

It's very "There but for the grace of god go I" your situation.

I was going to say more, but it would be more about myself than yourself.

All I will say, cryptically, is there are only a couple of things I can imagine that would be worse. In that, this can at least be anticipated as something that could happen and all you can wish is "later, or not at all". The other two would be "not in my lifetime".

xpost ignore them.

Coping sometimes is not all its cracked up to be, but it's all we got.

Anyhow, more power to you. And all of us.

― mark grout (mark grout), Thursday, 25 August 2005 07:18 (twenty years ago)

You're one of the good guys, Marcello.

I wish you well.

― C J (C J), Thursday, 25 August 2005 07:25 (twenty years ago)

It's hard to ignore, Mark. It's like being mugged or happyslapped or having shit thrown at you. And I don't care if I'm regarded as the hypocrite of hypocrites given my past form on these boards. Today of all days.

I mean, what actual pleasure or wisdom do people think they achieve by doing this? By simply waiting, licking their lips, for someone to say something, and then they pounce immediately?

The worst of it is I recognise that I've done the same thing myself, and worse, too many times over the years. It doesn't get you anywhere. You end up dead to the world, dead in yourself.

I thought very long and hard about posting this today. I thought, maybe not, maybe put it on the blog. And that's the first response I get. Well I won't make that mistake again.

― Marcello Carlin (nostudium), Thursday, 25 August 2005 07:27 (twenty years ago)

On here, as in real life, if you open yourself in public, there will always be someone that giggles. Imagine telling your tale over the tannoy at Paddington station. ach ignore me I'm rambling now.

― mark grout (mark grout), Thursday, 25 August 2005 07:30 (twenty years ago)

you did the right thing, in posting. regardless of response.

― dioufy-san (gareth), Thursday, 25 August 2005 07:33 (twenty years ago)

Marcello our interactions have been few, and yes sometimes I did like to clown on you, but we've been posting here and noticing each other for years, and in my opinion, you're a better human than even very recently. I think you're a good guy, but you have to stop catchin feelings off EVERY fool ass post on the internet, because I think you're a good guy.

― LeCoq (LeCoq), Thursday, 25 August 2005 07:34 (twenty years ago)

All good wishes, Marcello.
(Btw – the trolling isn't aimed at you personally, I expect, though it might seem it – trolls don't care who they get a rise from)

― beanz (beanz), Thursday, 25 August 2005 07:38 (twenty years ago)

http://earthobservatory.nasa.gov/Library/ChemistrySunlight/Images/sunrise.jpg

I hope that didn't come across as too twee. I lost a good friend earlier this year and barely a day goes by when I don't think about him. I can't imagine what it must be like to have your soulmate taken away from you. I guess these things take time.

As for the louse who responded first, it's your life that sux, mocking people who are brave enough to share their feelings while hiding behind a cloak of anonymity.

― Billy Dods (Billy Dods), Thursday, 25 August 2005 07:41 (twenty years ago)

Then it needs to be STOPPED. If you look at the thread on the Moderator Request Forum, they've started doing it there now as well.

And it's going to keep on happening, and people are going to continue drifting away from ILx, because the moderators here don't seem to have the guts to do anything about it.

― Marcello Carlin (nostudium), Thursday, 25 August 2005 07:42 (twenty years ago)

I value ILx as a means of keeping in close touch with what I regard as a community. But I can't see the sense in continuing to post to somewhere where I'm only going to be met with random abuse by people who are not censured by even the minimum level of bureaucracy.

― Marcello Carlin (nostudium), Thursday, 25 August 2005 07:43 (twenty years ago)

i think we should learn to follow the humanist notion that people should treat other people with basic courtesy, decency and respect

― lollering, Thursday, 25 August 2005 07:51 (twenty years ago)

hi marcello!

i'm on the other side of the world from you. i'm in australia .i don't kmow you. i started reading yr blog before i was on ilx thru a reynolds link. it fucking energised me. not only the fact that you held dear a lot of music that i till then had no companion to hear/talk/express opinions about...but also the context. your life. beautiful impassioned writing about things that mattered.

then i came to ilx.

and you were often the same. often enlightening. often supportive. I was already on your side as it were.

but this board works in real time. no carefully considered looooong posts.

and you were and are often a prick. willfully damaging. reflexive. perverse.

as often as you say something i agree with you or which i can see constitute at leats a poistion worth considering you attack something for no obvious reason. and those stances appear fickle or willfull or
damned fucking annoying antway (maybe yr point)

but i'm real too. playfullness is great but bitterness is hard to dodge.

― mullygrubbr (bulbs), Thursday, 25 August 2005 08:09 (twenty years ago)

Hey, from another continent, another generation, and notwithstanding a bit of misunderstanding, I wish you all good things, Marcello.

― M. V. (M.V.), Thursday, 25 August 2005 08:12 (twenty years ago)

Unfortunately by using a public forum to communicate with "what [you] regard as a community" you're also sadly, but inevitably, leaving yourself open to random interjections by stray dickheads, in the same way that if you meet your friends in the pub there's always a comparable risk.

If a particular pub becomes too full of stray dickheads, you just arrange to meet your friends in a different pub next time.

If you visit the pub too often, inevitably you will wake up some mornings with an unpleasant realisation that the previous night you yourself probably behaved like a stray dickhead to some other unfortunate people who were trying to enjoy a quiet drink with their friends.

If you don't want to run risk of encoutering any stray dickheads, you can always meet up with your friends in private, at home, in smaller groups.

If you don't go to the pub at all 'though, you're unlikely to extend your existing circle of friends.

I am convinced that the pub contains the answer to most if not all of our problems, if we are just prepared to commit ourselves to doing the necessary research.

― Stewart Osborne (Stewart Osborne), Thursday, 25 August 2005 08:15 (twenty years ago)

haha stewart you reamin in my top 5!

― mullygrubbr (bulbs), Thursday, 25 August 2005 08:17 (twenty years ago)

Top 5 what? Stray dickheads?

― Stewart Osborne (Stewart Osborne), Thursday, 25 August 2005 08:18 (twenty years ago)

Tsk tsk, Stewart, you're no stray!

― Dadaismus (Dada), Thursday, 25 August 2005 08:19 (twenty years ago)

well obv you used to be better. when you were younger. stew.

― mullygrubbr (bulbs), Thursday, 25 August 2005 08:20 (twenty years ago)

Does anyone fancy a pint?

― Stewart Osborne (Stewart Osborne), Thursday, 25 August 2005 08:22 (twenty years ago)

Actually, yes, but I'll probably have to make do with just a coffee for the time being.

― Marcello Carlin (nostudium), Thursday, 25 August 2005 08:24 (twenty years ago)

Great stuff Stewart. I do fancy a pint. But I have to tell you, mully's not a friend you want to make. He plays the tuba. I wouldn't recommend sharing a beer with him either: he knows Troughman.

― moley, Thursday, 25 August 2005 08:24 (twenty years ago)

One time at the pub I was hanging upside down from my chair and he accused me of looking at him the wrong way.

― moley, Thursday, 25 August 2005 08:28 (twenty years ago)

Anytime any of you fancy coming down to the Duke Of Edinburgh "House Of Sounds" in Weymouth for a pint or ten on a Saturday night, just let me know, OK?

You do all like Elvis / Buddy Holly / Rod Stewart tribute acts, right?

― Stewart Osborne (Stewart Osborne), Thursday, 25 August 2005 08:29 (twenty years ago)

Another time I crossed the road against the lights and he said 'one more move like that mate and you're going home in a fucking ambulance'.

― moley, Thursday, 25 August 2005 08:30 (twenty years ago)

Then there was the time we both had dinner and an hour later I had forgotten and I said, 'How about dinner then?' and he just looked at me really straight and said, 'I've had it with you mate.'

― moley, Thursday, 25 August 2005 08:32 (twenty years ago)

You do all like Elvis / Buddy Holly / Rod Stewart tribute acts, right?

If the same guy iss doing all three at the same time then count me in

― Dadaismus (Dada), Thursday, 25 August 2005 08:33 (twenty years ago)

It probably is.

― mark grout (mark grout), Thursday, 25 August 2005 08:36 (twenty years ago)

I'm supposed to be in Brighton for an FAP of sorts. But now I'm not so sure.

― Marcello Carlin (nostudium), Thursday, 25 August 2005 08:38 (twenty years ago)

Sorry, no, one guy called Johny Mack does Rod (apparently he was a runner-up on Stars In Their Eyes a few years ago, and he is bloody good at doing Rod - in fact I think I prefer him to the real Rod!) and there are a couple of other guys who both do Elvis / Buddy.

― Stewart Osborne (Stewart Osborne), Thursday, 25 August 2005 08:40 (twenty years ago)

o moley i was just playing. you know that. i love you. LOVE YOU.

c'mere ere ere

― mullygrubbr (bulbs), Thursday, 25 August 2005 08:46 (twenty years ago)

I'm supposed to be in Brighton for an FAP of sorts. But now I'm not so sure.

Why not? Don't all the countless people who like/love you, outweigh the few silly trolls? :-(

― nathalie starts to cry each time we meet (stevie nixed), Thursday, 25 August 2005 08:53 (twenty years ago)

Doesn't matter how many people like me, it only takes one person to stab me to death.

― Marcello Carlin (nostudium), Thursday, 25 August 2005 08:54 (twenty years ago)

Marcello, you have got to learn how to manage with assholes. Often I see you posting something positive here, and most people respond equally positive, but then someone says something negative - maybe because he/she has clashed with you in the past, or maybe just because he/she is an inexcusable asshole troll - and you immediately throw a tantrum, despite all the nice and positive response you've been getting too. You've been abusive on these boards too, imagine if all the folks here responded as quickly and angrily as you do. The mods can't delete trolling as quick as it appears, because they don't patrol here 24/7. You've got to learn to ignore the bullshit and focus on what's good; and there is much good, lots of good and forgiving people in here. That's what you should think of.

Having said that, I wish you all the best. I know you only through ILX, but it's been nice too see you gradually get better.

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Thursday, 25 August 2005 09:14 (twenty years ago)

The worst of it is I recognise that I've done the same thing myself, and worse, too many times over the years. It doesn't get you anywhere. You end up dead to the world, dead in yourself.

What bit of that didn't you understand, exactly?

― Marcello Carlin (nostudium), Thursday, 25 August 2005 09:22 (twenty years ago)

Tuomas is right, Marcello. Why should someone who posts anonymously influence your mood? Just ignore it. Prove them wrong.

― nathalie starts to cry each time we meet (stevie nixed), Thursday, 25 August 2005 09:28 (twenty years ago)

I understood it perfectly well, but I thought it meant you were trying to (and it's not easy, I know) change your own behaviour as well. And I hope you still are, at least it's seemed like it during the past couple of months. Don't revert back to your old self because of some worthless trolling, you're much better like this.

(x-post)

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Thursday, 25 August 2005 09:29 (twenty years ago)

Marcello - having worked so hard to rebuild, don't let a lone turdburger spoil things. Love/thoughts as always.

― Dr. C (Dr. C), Thursday, 25 August 2005 09:34 (twenty years ago)

I can't think of anything particularly wise or funny or even particularly original to say. So I'll just add: be proud of all you've achieved and celebrate your strengths. And good luck!

― NickB (NickB), Thursday, 25 August 2005 11:27 (twenty years ago)

Are you a headmaster by any chance NickB?

― Dadaismus (Dada), Thursday, 25 August 2005 11:29 (twenty years ago)

Six of the best for you, Dadaismus.

― PJ Miller (PJ Miller 68), Thursday, 25 August 2005 11:32 (twenty years ago)

Only 6? That won't be enough for a distinguished and seasoned veteran pervert like Dada, not nearly enough.

― Stewart Osborne (Stewart Osborne), Thursday, 25 August 2005 11:37 (twenty years ago)

Oh no, that's the English disease, we just used to get a leather belt across the hands in Scotland, which is hard to get excited about I can assure you

― Dadaismus (Dada), Thursday, 25 August 2005 11:40 (twenty years ago)

Only 6 is punishment. More would be pleasure.

(xpost)

― Forest Pines (ForestPines), Thursday, 25 August 2005 11:40 (twenty years ago)

http://www.shop4photos.net/graphics/172/172240.jpg

Oh and Marcello - you'd do well just to ignore those other cheeky cunts. Now hurry along!

― NickB (NickB), Thursday, 25 August 2005 11:41 (twenty years ago)

Look, Marcello's cheered up already:

http://www.autograph-gallery.co.uk/acatalog/M4.JPG

― Dadaismus (Dada), Thursday, 25 August 2005 11:44 (twenty years ago)

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