Tales of the Love Cream: Hot Xtian Pron!

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"This web site is dedicated to helping married couples understand each other by helping them understand what God through the Bible really has to say about marriage sex.

We believe the reason divorce rates are higher among Christians than non-Christians is because many times husbands and wives do not agree on what is morally permissible in the area of sexuality in a marriage.

This web site hopes to educate both husbands and wives as to what God permitted in the past in marriages in the Bible and what he permits now, so they may be able to agree and be able to walk together in harmony.

The site also wants to provide moral resources such as love stories in written, audio and video formats, "for stressful evenings and special occasions" that married couples may use in their marriages.

We hope God will use the site in the next twenty years to cut the Christian divorce rate in half, as husbands and wives begin to understand each others sexuality and begin to agree on what is permissible in marriage. Then, instead of divorce, God will be able to help these marriages mature in the Lord and they will be useful in God's service."

― gypsy mothra (gypsy mothra), Friday, 26 August 2005 06:47 (twenty years ago)

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v335/gypsyfrocksbedlam/marriage.jpg

― gypsy mothra (gypsy mothra), Friday, 26 August 2005 06:47 (twenty years ago)

Unfortunately, to read any of the stories (rated from Heartwarming -- "suitable for a general audience" -- to Exotic -- "stories that go beyond normal foreplay, kissing and sex with conduct such as oral sex, sex toys, and tying each other up with ribbons"), you have to subscribe. Just like all those other sites dedicated to understanding God.

BUT, if you send them a tale of hot married intimacy and they use it, you can get a free subscription. Just make sure you follow the guidelines:

Based on the Bible and Christian authors on marriage we feel moral "sexual activity" falls within the following guidelines.

Sexual activity between a husband and wife.
*
There should not be anyone watching the married couple while they make love.
*
The couple should not be involved in immoral activity such as watching naked pictures or videos of people, or watching or reading about immoral sexual activity.
*
Oral sex is permissible as long as the method is known to not cause disease or infection. We ask that stories not contain any reference to the husband reaching orgasm inside of his wife's mouth because we have found this seems gross to many married couples.
*
We believe anal sex is not healthy. ... (this particular guideline goes on in great detail, but the gist is, "Obviously God did not design the anus for sexual intercourse.")
*

Use words that are not offensive to morally minded couples.
*
Sexual aids are ok as long as they do not symbolize harm, belittlement, restriction, or confinement of a spouse.
*
Stories may not have a husband and wife fantasizing a situation that is immoral.

― gypsy mothra (gypsy mothra), Friday, 26 August 2005 06:54 (twenty years ago)

And watch your language:

Blocked Words

slut
bastard
anus
damn
anal
asshole
cunt
fuck
shit
crap
bitch
whore

Substituted Words

cock = penis
clit = clitoris
ass = butt
tits = breasts
cunt = vulva
dick = penis
me cum = me orgasm
cum = love cream
cumm = love cream
cumming = an orgasm
orgasmed = climaxed
orgasming = climaxing
cums = climaxes
meat = penis
twat = vulva
nibb = nipple
boob = breast
pecker = penis
punt = loved
blow job = oral sex

― gypsy mothra (gypsy mothra), Friday, 26 August 2005 06:57 (twenty years ago)

I like that they feature tying each other up - but only with ribbons

(although they are handy for avoiding rope burn, you know)

― Forest Pines (ForestPines), Friday, 26 August 2005 06:58 (twenty years ago)

Ribbons sound so...ecclesiastic.

― gypsy mothra (gypsy mothra), Friday, 26 August 2005 06:59 (twenty years ago)

so, sodomy bad, gomorrah-y kinda ok?

― geoff (gcannon), Friday, 26 August 2005 07:00 (twenty years ago)

As long as you don't gomorrah in her mouth, apparently.

― gypsy mothra (gypsy mothra), Friday, 26 August 2005 07:01 (twenty years ago)

"orgasm" no good? what would dr frist say?

― geoff (gcannon), Friday, 26 August 2005 07:01 (twenty years ago)

I don't know how you're supposed to write decent porn without the word "tits".

― edward o (edwardo), Friday, 26 August 2005 07:02 (twenty years ago)

And don't forget, " All romantic and passionate writings need to be submitted anonymously to help prevent lust and keep marriage intimacy private."

Yes, the focus of our discussion of blow jobs, ribbons and love cream is preventing lust.

― gypsy mothra (gypsy mothra), Friday, 26 August 2005 07:02 (twenty years ago)

incidentally i thought gypsy's post abt "and watch your language" was part of the "Message Not Inserted" xpost screen, and i thought "holy fuck this nu-ilx reg-only regime has GONE TOO FAR!!" for a second

― geoff (gcannon), Friday, 26 August 2005 07:04 (twenty years ago)

I love how the arse is not meant for sex but for some reason the mouth is, thats just... there are no words.

― Trayce (trayce), Friday, 26 August 2005 07:06 (twenty years ago)

We ask that stories not contain any reference to the husband reaching orgasm inside of his wife's mouth because we have found this seems gross to many married couples.

This amuses me.

― Trayce (trayce), Friday, 26 August 2005 07:06 (twenty years ago)

It's kind of unclear about where the orgasm is supposed to happen, isn't it?

― gypsy mothra (gypsy mothra), Friday, 26 August 2005 07:07 (twenty years ago)

Maybe bukakke is ok! :D

― Trayce (trayce), Friday, 26 August 2005 07:08 (twenty years ago)

if the christianists hadn't already bent the world in half around their oedipal wierdness i'd be more sympathetic to folks with stunted sexual imaginations, but really this is just stupid and hypocritical. shut the fuck up with the vanilla pr0n stories, put a pepper in your ass and blow it in your wife's hair like a decent american! i mean really.

― geoff (gcannon), Friday, 26 August 2005 07:10 (twenty years ago)

The subscriber comments are kind of touching, really:

I would like to thank you for opening up the discussions that are entered in your website. While I still haven't reached the point where I can agree that all of the writings are "okay", I am definitely moving more in that direction. My poor husband has been married to a sexual "crock-pot" for the last 20 years. I had been listening to Dr. Ed Young give a talk on Sexuality and his advice to wives was very helpful and freeing for me. He talked on the need to be available and creative in the bedroom--and I started doing some research. My husband had (in the past) tried to "spice" things up a bit; but I was very conservative and though I believed that sex is a gift from God and to be enjoyed by both of us; I was still very concerned with being "good".

What I have found here and in other books is a gift--to me because it is helping me to feel like my natural feelings are not wrong or sinful and to my husband because he is finally reaping the benefits of the loving attention that he has showered on me during that time. All the while, accepting that I had to answer to my conscience and the Spirit. We have read some of the writings together and although I still enjoy the romance of the mild and medium writings best, I am finding hot ideas to try on my husband--(working on the creative aspect of my love life!) and my husband is loving it. So, (I have to admit) am I!

The feelings that I thought were long past--the sparks and the butterflies in my stomach are returning. We have used some of the suggestions here and I have come up with some of my own--I have a new one I can't wait to try! The oneness that we are able to share is truly a gift. It is amazing that we are still so afraid of being sexual beings--I still am, but am definitely working on changing that. My husband deserves all of me.

― gypsy mothra (gypsy mothra), Friday, 26 August 2005 07:14 (twenty years ago)

We (my wife and I) would like to thank you for your website. It's great to have a Christian place to talk about sexual activities with other Christian couples. It's nice to know we aren’t the only ones enjoying sex and marriage. Thank-you We've been married now for over 11 years.

― gypsy mothra (gypsy mothra), Friday, 26 August 2005 07:16 (twenty years ago)

aw, that is sweet (the first one)

― geoff (gcannon), Friday, 26 August 2005 07:19 (twenty years ago)

Why is "love cream" more acceptable than "cum"?!!?

― C0L1N B... (C0L1N B...), Friday, 26 August 2005 07:20 (twenty years ago)

maybe prince lobbied for it

― geoff (gcannon), Friday, 26 August 2005 07:21 (twenty years ago)

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v335/gypsyfrocksbedlam/whtchoc.jpg

― gypsy mothra (gypsy mothra), Friday, 26 August 2005 07:25 (twenty years ago)

me cum = me orgasm
orgasmed = climaxed

Huh? So in the present tense you're supposed to say "me orgasm" but in the past tense you have to say "me climaxed"?

― walter kranz (walterkranz), Friday, 26 August 2005 07:25 (twenty years ago)

I like how the couple in your erotic story are not allowed to be reading an erotic story.

also: "punt = loved"

...what is "punt"?

― Slumpman (Slump Man), Friday, 26 August 2005 07:38 (twenty years ago)

I don't understand "me cum"

xpost: they're trying to say pwn3d

― roxymuzak (roxymuzak), Friday, 26 August 2005 12:26 (twenty years ago)

there isn't a christian word for analingus?

punting in when you ram a foot in your partners ass.

― Lupton Pitman (Chris V), Friday, 26 August 2005 12:54 (twenty years ago)

"loved"?

― roxymuzak (roxymuzak), Friday, 26 August 2005 13:13 (twenty years ago)

me cum = me orgasm

Is the admin of this site married to THE INCREDIBLE HULK?

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Friday, 26 August 2005 13:26 (twenty years ago)

I like how the couple in your erotic story are not allowed to be reading an erotic story.

Meta is sinful.

― Daniel_Rf (Daniel_Rf), Friday, 26 August 2005 13:55 (twenty years ago)

"They're always tryin' t'git me lucky orgasm!"

― The Ghost of Lucky Charms (Dan Perry), Friday, 26 August 2005 13:56 (twenty years ago)

horrifying

― roxymuzak (roxymuzak), Friday, 26 August 2005 13:59 (twenty years ago)

It's kind of unclear about where the orgasm is supposed to happen, isn't it?

C on T's! Er, B's!

― Jordan (Jordan), Friday, 26 August 2005 14:08 (twenty years ago)

K on Bs

http://www.musicobsession.com/Pictures/k/l/klymaxx302722.jpg

― The Ghost of Black Elegance (Dan Perry), Friday, 26 August 2005 14:12 (twenty years ago)

i miss c'ing on your t's

― Lupton Pitman (Chris V), Friday, 26 August 2005 14:12 (twenty years ago)

meat = penis

Hopefully it's not necessary to substitute this one when actually talking about meat.

― Craig Gilchrist (Craig Gilchrist), Friday, 26 August 2005 14:13 (twenty years ago)

"Those barbecued ribs are amazing! The penis just falls off the bone."

― The Ghost of Black Elegance (Dan Perry), Friday, 26 August 2005 14:14 (twenty years ago)

(Also Chris you are killing me)

― The Ghost of Black Elegance (Dan Perry), Friday, 26 August 2005 14:15 (twenty years ago)

i wonder if its ok to still put your hand on your own ass 70's porno style.

― Lupton Pitman (Chris V), Friday, 26 August 2005 14:15 (twenty years ago)

insane.
m.

― msp (mspa), Friday, 26 August 2005 14:33 (twenty years ago)

My wife and I exprimented with oral sex over a one year period. She would wash well before hand.

But I ended up with geographic toungue (fungus growing on the toungue) and then took medicine to kill it which had a side affect of growing cysts in my admoninal and kidney areas which caused pain around the right side of my rib cage.

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Friday, 26 August 2005 14:45 (twenty years ago)

Does "geographic toungue" sound MADE UP to anybody else?

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Friday, 26 August 2005 14:45 (twenty years ago)

Oh, and, apparently, you only need to be registered to read the exotic stories.

Also: hahahahahaha

http://www.marriageromance.com/stories/11101895130.htm

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Friday, 26 August 2005 14:48 (twenty years ago)

A reader says ... I'm sorry to say even more that oral sex is not God's way for a husband and wife to satisfy each other. It is definitely the world's way and not only that, this was the way of Sodom and Gommorah...check out the background, it will amaze you why God truly dealt with their sin the way He did. It literally made Him sick to the stomach! And doucheing is out! In times of old it was recommended that women douche, but now new studies show that doucheing only causes more bacteria and high risk of yeast infection. The best way for a women to cleanse her vaginal area is with a mixture of 2 tbsp of apple cider vinegar and 8oz of water, place in a small spray bottle and spray area as a natural fresh deodorant daily.

― Lupton Pitman (Chris V), Friday, 26 August 2005 14:49 (twenty years ago)

"geographic tongue" without the parenthetical aside sounds kind of awesome!

Anyone else think that if this story is true, his wife was "washing" rather than washing?

― The Ghost of Black Elegance (Dan Perry), Friday, 26 August 2005 14:50 (twenty years ago)

GOMMORHIA

― Lupton Pitman (Chris V), Friday, 26 August 2005 14:50 (twenty years ago)

smell my apple fresh vag.

― Lupton Pitman (Chris V), Friday, 26 August 2005 14:51 (twenty years ago)

do you get a map of the world on your tongue?

― roxymuzak (roxymuzak), Friday, 26 August 2005 14:52 (twenty years ago)

maybe it's more topographic

― roxymuzak (roxymuzak), Friday, 26 August 2005 14:52 (twenty years ago)

I want to register SO BAD.

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Friday, 26 August 2005 14:53 (twenty years ago)

"My Tongue Is An Atlas" - John Mayer's followup to his international smash hit "Your Body Is A Wonderland"

― The Ghost of Black Elegance (Dan Perry), Friday, 26 August 2005 14:53 (twenty years ago)

then he is abusive or maybe even into porn

― roxymuzak (roxymuzak), Friday, 26 August 2005 14:55 (twenty years ago)

Why God be making up so many rules?

― Heathen Dan, Friday, 26 August 2005 14:57 (twenty years ago)

Is God using this website right now and he's going to keep at it for 20 years? Or is he going to get around to using it sometime within the next 20 years? That part is unclear and I'd really like to know when he's going to be posting some of his own personal stories.

― walter kranz (walterkranz), Friday, 26 August 2005 15:05 (twenty years ago)

dear god,

today i put my meat between her boobs and punted in her eye. is that acceptable?

― Lupton Pitman (Chris V), Friday, 26 August 2005 15:06 (twenty years ago)

We hope God will use the site in the next twenty years...

― pappawheelie II, Friday, 26 August 2005 15:07 (twenty years ago)

BTW, what the fuck is a NIBB?

― Lupton Pitman (Chris V), Friday, 26 August 2005 15:07 (twenty years ago)

similar to a n00b

― roxymuzak (roxymuzak), Friday, 26 August 2005 15:09 (twenty years ago)

Cambridge - Fancy A Punt?

― roxymuzak (roxymuzak), Friday, 26 August 2005 15:37 (twenty years ago)

My wife and I exprimented with oral sex over a one year period.

haha, i misinterpreted this!

― Slumpman (Slump Man), Friday, 26 August 2005 21:49 (twenty years ago)

HA aha ha!

― Thermo Thinwall (Thermo Thinwall), Friday, 26 August 2005 22:03 (twenty years ago)

hack this site and replace it with goatse and see how many subscribers try to rationalize it to their partners as "God's way of showing us how a real red devil lurks in the anus lest we deviantly venture where spiritually unintended!"

― LeCoq (LeCoq), Friday, 26 August 2005 22:19 (twenty years ago)

I can't get over the apple cider vinegar douche. WHAT THE FUCK. (is that in the Bible somewhere, maybe in Leviticus sandwiched between how to properly beat your neighbors' ass and Ham begetting Onan...?)

― Shakey Mo Collier (Shakey Mo Collier), Friday, 26 August 2005 22:34 (twenty years ago)

You know, I find some of the testimonials very affecting until I see the "marital reading" written by J4mes D0bs0n in support of the F3d3ral M4rri4age 4mendment and my sympathy is suddenly exhausted. It's one thing to be glad for people who've stupidly forbidden themselves crucial human experiences and for whom a fulfilled sensual relationship is finally possible (and notice it's mostly women writing that they were raised to deny/fear/suppress sexual nature, which -- why, helLO fuXored evangelical church!). It's something else entirely when what should be a Force for Good (however insipidly) is used to promote abhorrent social causes.

This kind of sanitized and misapplied Xtianity is something I've had a little experience with. Blergh. It's hardly the "life more abundantly" that you're supposed to get out of the whole thing and I am AMAZED that the disconnect doesn't occur to MORE PEOPLE.

― Laurel, Friday, 26 August 2005 22:38 (twenty years ago)

i dunno. if this site helps really, REALLY uptight religious conservative(?) types to get off more often, more power to them. Hell, they've taken the first step in just being able to admit that sex can be done for pleasure and not just only for birthing out your 12th baby.

also, their use of stock photography is sweet, tho a little disturbing given the context:

http://www.marriageromance.com/images/ks5133_540_360.jpg

― kingfish 'doublescoop' moose tracks (kingfish 2.0), Saturday, 27 August 2005 01:09 (twenty years ago)

know what'd be even better? this site's version of couples video porn.

― kingfish 'doublescoop' moose tracks (kingfish 2.0), Saturday, 27 August 2005 01:11 (twenty years ago)

and somebody needs to send this link to Dan Savage

― kingfish 'doublescoop' moose tracks (kingfish 2.0), Saturday, 27 August 2005 01:12 (twenty years ago)

I am AMAZED that the disconnect doesn't occur to MORE PEOPLE.

well, you gotta remember that many of the folks aren't raised to have that kinda self-awareness, introspection, or ability for critical thought. they might question their parents, and that can never happen.

― kingfish 'doublescoop' moose tracks (kingfish 2.0), Saturday, 27 August 2005 01:21 (twenty years ago)

From the aforementioned Oral Sex link-

"A reader says ... Never had a problem with oral sex, either spiritual or physical. I am a pastor."

I want me some spiritual oral sex...as soon as I understand what the fuck it is. Thanks Padre!

― John Justen (johnjusten), Saturday, 27 August 2005 05:31 (twenty years ago)

i think they're referring to when you have your soul sucked on, until you have a spiritual eruption

― kingfish 'doublescoop' moose tracks (kingfish 2.0), Saturday, 27 August 2005 05:34 (twenty years ago)

Awesome! If that's the case, I'm looking forward to filling some stranger with Christ's love. Preferably in a bus station bathroom, no questions asked.

― John Justen (johnjusten), Saturday, 27 August 2005 05:46 (twenty years ago)

"A reader says ... Never had a problem with oral sex, either spiritual or physical. I am a pastor."

OMGOMG.

― Trayce (trayce), Saturday, 27 August 2005 05:52 (twenty years ago)

Oh my god, click the side links!

http://www.mybelovedsgarden.net/101RomanticIdeas.html

― C0L1N B... (C0L1N B...), Saturday, 27 August 2005 06:41 (twenty years ago)

*IDEA # 77
Even if you are just going down the road to buy some milk, act as though you
are returning home after a major adventure.
Say something like, "Well it was touch and go there for a while with the snow
and the wolves but I made it!" and then give your partner a huge bear hug.

― C0L1N B... (C0L1N B...), Saturday, 27 August 2005 06:43 (twenty years ago)

This is so disturbing:

*IDEA # 60
Speak to your wifes family and find out what her favorite book was when
she was a little girl.
Buy a copy of the book and read it to her in bed.

― C0L1N B... (C0L1N B...), Saturday, 27 August 2005 06:43 (twenty years ago)

!!! (NSFW)

http://www.solomonsdance.com/store/merchant.mvc?Screen=PROD&Store_Code=solomonsdance&Product_Code=EML3502&Category_Code=ForHim

― C0L1N B... (C0L1N B...), Saturday, 27 August 2005 06:48 (twenty years ago)

Its a bit sad that some of those folk need such instruction into the act of just loving their partner, really :/

― Trayce (trayce), Saturday, 27 August 2005 06:48 (twenty years ago)

BEST PORN SITE EVER!

Mostly because it assists me in fulfilling my life's work in christ. By tickling the G-spot of my god-fearing betrothed...

http://www.mybelovedsgarden.net/GSpotVibes.html

― John Justen (johnjusten), Saturday, 27 August 2005 07:22 (twenty years ago)

Its a bit sad that some of those folk need such instruction into the act of just loving their partner, really :/

yeah - this site isn't really about sex; it's about trying to get people who aren't really intimate but are suffering from lack of intimacy to open up a little. Haven't every really told your partner who you are, and now you've been married twenty years? Well, umm...sex might help!

― Banana Nutrament (ghostface), Saturday, 27 August 2005 09:29 (twenty years ago)

Some of my extended family are very christian, and I have to say, I've never gotten any puritanical vibes from them. I'm quite sure in their married lives they celebrate the physical as much as anything else. Hell, one of my cousins has like 5 kids, so some fun be goin' on there. They may be christian, and I may not agree with their views, but I have nothing but respect for the decent, caring, openminded way they practice it.

― Trayce (trayce), Saturday, 27 August 2005 09:31 (twenty years ago)

oh wow

The night i gave you me

It was heightened pain
But you felt the utmost pleasure
We both wanted to scream
But
We both had different reasons to

I loved you
You love my body
That night we became one
That night I became yours
That night I loved you with my heart
And .
You loved me in deed
From that night of pleasure filled torture came a new person

She was not I
I was a virgin
She was a baby
I could not bear such pain
She felt no pain
But we both gave you me

-Darling Grace

― Banana Nutrament (ghostface), Saturday, 27 August 2005 14:51 (twenty years ago)

so, so fucked up

― Banana Nutrament (ghostface), Saturday, 27 August 2005 14:52 (twenty years ago)

"torture"
Holy shit.

― Rock Hardy (Rock Hardy), Saturday, 27 August 2005 14:58 (twenty years ago)

I like the romantic idea about "shopping at Borders".

― Shakey Mo Collier (Shakey Mo Collier), Saturday, 27 August 2005 16:03 (twenty years ago)

*IDEA # 96
Buy your wife a gold fish in a bowl and give it to her with a card saying,
“Of all the fish in the sea,
you're the fish for me!”

I think I might vomit.

"Here you are luv, i got you this fish. now, LET'S BONE!"

― CharlieNo4 (Charlie), Sunday, 28 August 2005 09:30 (twenty years ago)

"As a symbol of our love I present you this lonely scaly creature trapped in a small bowl of water."

"Take me now!"

― gypsy mothra (gypsy mothra), Sunday, 28 August 2005 13:11 (twenty years ago)

Hahahahahaha that thing about the snow and the wolves!!!!!

― The Ghost of Black Elegance (Dan Perry), Monday, 29 August 2005 16:14 (twenty years ago)

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