My grandmother has died

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I know there are probably threads for this but searches are slow I also know half of you don't care but I don't know where the TITTWIS is anymore.

She was 69. We found out two weeks ago that she had stage four cancer in the esophagus and lungs and there was nothing they could do about it. Then she developed pneumonia. If they could have gotten rid of the pneumonia we could have taken her home and probably had some more time with her.

I've been making an afghan for her and I'm about 3/4 done but she'll never see it. And I've been desperately looking for a lost heirloom so she could see it one more time before she died (http://askforjanice.com/lost.html) but it wasn't meant to be.

For the past two weeks she's all I've thought about and my work has suffered. Gratefully I'm finally getting into see a new psychitraist (waitlists=hell) next Wed b/c at this point the five different meds I'm on just don't seem enough anymore.

Luckily I work with fantastic people who are very kind and supportive. They're even going to work with me to get me back on track before this training program ends so I can graduate and be a real live programmer.

I wanted to be by her when she died. I had a letter to read to her. But she slipped into a coma a few hours before and hadn't recognized anyone for days. I'm going to read it at her funeral. Maybe I can finish the afgahn for her by then too.

Sorry if this brings anyone down but before I can get into working I just have to get everything out. My family's story is weird and twisted and in many ways she was more of a mother to me than my real mother. I thought I knew before what it was to have your heart broken. Now I know better.

I don't have any FTP software here but you can see pictures of her at my MySpace page: http://www.myspace.com/missmisery73

thank you for reading all of this.

xo
Sam

― Miss Misery (thatgirl), Friday, 14 October 2005 13:35 (twenty years ago)

Sam, I am so sorry to hear of your loss. :-(

― nathalie, a bum like you (stevie nixed), Friday, 14 October 2005 13:40 (twenty years ago)

good thoughts to you, sweetie, and thank you for sharing.

― teeny (teeny), Friday, 14 October 2005 13:42 (twenty years ago)

Sam, my heart goes out to you and yours. Please be well and take care of yourself during this difficult time.

And, on a separate note, this is like any other aspect of life - you shouldn't worry about "bringing us down" by wanting to share. Seriously. You gotta emote somehow.

― Big Loud Mountain Ape (Big Loud Mountain Ape), Friday, 14 October 2005 13:43 (twenty years ago)

Aww Sam, I'm sorry to hear this.

― kingfish neopolitan sundae (kingfish 2.0), Friday, 14 October 2005 13:44 (twenty years ago)

Be strong and brave, S, I know you must have meant as much to her as she meant to you.

― The Obligatory Sourpuss (Begs2Differ), Friday, 14 October 2005 13:46 (twenty years ago)

And cry as much as you need to -- you have a dog, right? I know this sounds stupid, but I've found that my dogs are a great source of comfort in times of grief.

― The Milkmaid (of Human Kindness) (The Milkmaid), Friday, 14 October 2005 13:47 (twenty years ago)

I am so sorry, Sam.

― tokyo nursery school: afternoon session (rosemary), Friday, 14 October 2005 13:52 (twenty years ago)

My sincere condolences, Sam. Make sure you take some to remember and celebrate her life as well as mourn her passing.

― Huk-L (Huk-L), Friday, 14 October 2005 13:57 (twenty years ago)

Sam, my Nan died three weeks ago, still hasn't really sunk in. I always loved her in such an innocent and totally uncomplicated childlike way that somehow it felt like I was once again the helpless 8-year old me trying to come to terms with it all. Bewildering and awful. I don't really know what to say that might help, but I suppose I know how it might feel. Hope that your family all get through it okay. XXX

― NickB (NickB), Friday, 14 October 2005 14:00 (twenty years ago)

Thank you for all your kind thoughts.

I've never lost anyone close to me and I've always feared when it would happen. My mother nearly died earlier this year so I got a taste and didn't like it. It definitely made me feel like I was grown.

The women in my family (until me) all had kids so young. My mom's only 52, my "Ninnie" was 69. I took it for granted that I would have more years with them. I regret that now.

I'm fairly positive my mother won't last another twenty years and this makes me feel more driven to get my own life together. Get the job situation stable, health stable, have a baby. Before they're all gone.

One of the things that sticks in my mind is how I wish I had Ninnie teach me how to make her banana pudding. She did it all from scratch, no recipe, and it was the best ever. Somethings I guess you just have to let go and savor the memories.

― Miss Misery (thatgirl), Friday, 14 October 2005 14:08 (twenty years ago)

condolences Sam.

― bingo (Chris V), Friday, 14 October 2005 14:10 (twenty years ago)

deepest sympathies Sam

― Matos-Webster Dictionary (M Matos), Friday, 14 October 2005 14:11 (twenty years ago)

my condolences as well, sam. i'm really sorry, it sounds like your grandma was a great lady. my grandma died last year, and i still feel pretty horrible about it, though she lived a long, good life. take care of yourself, that's what your grandma would want. i'm glad that you've got a job where your co-workers seem to actually care. that's really important, and quite rare anymore. anyway, take care.

― hstencil (hstencil), Friday, 14 October 2005 14:14 (twenty years ago)

Sam--
Condolences and warm, long-distance hugs to you. It sounds like your grandmother was great and you guys had a wonderful relationship with each other. Don't worry that not everything happened as you hoped (with the heirloom, the afghan) -- just wanting/working on those things is enough. She knew you loved her and she'll absorb that positive energy you put into those things. I'm glad you're surrounded by supportive coworkers and friends -- it's the most important thing. Take care.

― Roxymuzak, Mrs. Carbohydrate (roxymuzak), Friday, 14 October 2005 14:31 (twenty years ago)

Very sorry to hear it, Sam -- when my last grandparent died years back, I was crushed. I can only imagine what it's like for you now.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Friday, 14 October 2005 15:53 (twenty years ago)

Condolences. You should finish making the afghan, but for yourself, for mourning time. You were obviously a very caring grandchild, and she probably knew that.

― Maria :D (Maria D.), Friday, 14 October 2005 15:57 (twenty years ago)

condolences, indeed - my gran passed away on tuesday too, aged 89. poor love. i feel a lot less crushed than the rest of my family, and i'm not sure why. i think the fact that it had been on the way for the last couple of months meant it wasn't a huge shock, ust a small one; but my sisters (and mum, naturally) are bursting into tears all the time. i feel for all of them, but i think my grieving's already been done.

my thoughts are with you, sam, anyway.

― CharlieNo4 (Charlie), Friday, 14 October 2005 15:58 (twenty years ago)

wow, my employer has just offered me a week off even though that would extend me past the 6-mth training period. by law our training salaries are only paid for 6 mths but they (dept.) are willing to pay for the week I would go over themselves. Non-profits are amazing. ..

― Miss Misery (thatgirl), Friday, 14 October 2005 17:16 (twenty years ago)

condolences Sam. you're in my thoughts.

― dar1a g (daria g), Friday, 14 October 2005 17:21 (twenty years ago)

keep on Sam. My grandma passed recently too (as did my birthday in Sep., but I didn't care this year).

Download Mike Jones' "Grandma". Seriously.

― LeCoq (LeCoq), Friday, 14 October 2005 17:38 (twenty years ago)

Much love to you and yours right now, Sam.

― luna (luna.c), Friday, 14 October 2005 17:48 (twenty years ago)

Thanks Luna, sorry I had to turn you down right then but my analyst was sitting next to me going over some javascript. :(

― Miss Misery (thatgirl), Friday, 14 October 2005 18:00 (twenty years ago)

Condolences and best wishes, Miss Misery.

― Alex in NYC (vassifer), Friday, 14 October 2005 20:54 (twenty years ago)

My condolences. How wonderful to have had that relationship. So many people aren't so lucky. Take the best of what she was and make it part of you.

― Beth Parker (Beth Parker), Friday, 14 October 2005 21:08 (twenty years ago)

I'm sorry, Sam. Best wishes.

― gabbneb (gabbneb), Friday, 14 October 2005 22:33 (twenty years ago)

All best wishes

― beanz (beanz), Friday, 14 October 2005 22:36 (twenty years ago)

I'm really sorry, Sam. :( May she rest in peace.

― Curt1s St3ph3ns, Friday, 14 October 2005 22:46 (twenty years ago)

I am sure you will miss her. The parting is the worst part of death. Just keep her memory close and honor it. Keep your family and friends close and let them comfort you.

― Aimless (Aimless), Friday, 14 October 2005 23:38 (twenty years ago)

Best of thoughts to you and your family, Sam. Take care to step aside from unwanted trivial distractions for a while, to reminisce and close. :(

(In that respect, your workplace's reaction is exemplary. Should be obvious, but apparently somehow isn't.)

― The Vintner's Lipogram (OleM), Friday, 14 October 2005 23:55 (twenty years ago)

Check your mail Sam, hope it helps.

― LeCoq (LeCoq), Saturday, 15 October 2005 03:24 (twenty years ago)

It's never easy to lose someone you love is it? We've all been there, so
give it some time. The hurt never goes away, but it does get easier to bear. Hang tight.

― pepektheassassin (pepektheassassin), Saturday, 15 October 2005 20:02 (twenty years ago)

Hang in there, Sam. I know it's tough.
*hugs*

― Orbit (Orbit), Saturday, 15 October 2005 20:06 (twenty years ago)

My condolences, Sam. Keep her memory close, and as others have said, take care of yourself through this rough spot.

― Jaq (Jaq), Saturday, 15 October 2005 20:42 (twenty years ago)

Sam, Your note of sorrow anguishes us all. Your grandmother is at peace and knows how much you loved her, and you may be assured that she has all the knowledge in the universe that there is and she has seen from the lovely afghan your hands have created just for her; and knows profoundly in her heart and spirit, the effort that you put into finding the family heirloom for her. She is with you always. Be at peace.

― Wiggy (Wiggy), Saturday, 15 October 2005 23:07 (twenty years ago)

When you lose your mother and/or her mother it's like you lose where you most truly come from, the physical thread that binds you to the rest of the world. Eventually you will feel whole again. Meanwhile . . .
Condolences.
Those whom we have loved are always with us.

― steve ketchup, Tuesday, 18 October 2005 03:06 (twenty years ago)

i'm very sorry, sam.

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Tuesday, 18 October 2005 03:09 (twenty years ago)

Even though I've lost two grandparents in the last couple of years and will likely lose my last one within the year, I can't say I know how you feel, Sam. Your love for your grandmother was much deeper than my love for my grandparents, and I know how bad I felt when they passed. I'm very sorry for your loss.

― Bryan (Bryan), Tuesday, 18 October 2005 03:34 (twenty years ago)

Sam, I can't add much, but you're lucky you had such a close relationship with her; you can rest knowing that she certainly knew that.

― Rickey Wright (Rrrickey), Tuesday, 18 October 2005 04:50 (twenty years ago)

So sorry Sam. You're right that you'll need to let go of the regrets and cherish the memories, but that won't happen all at once. Take care of yourself and let the feelings come that want to come.

Sorry Nick, as well.

I have only ever really known one grandparent, and I dread losing her every day.

― Archel (Archel), Tuesday, 18 October 2005 08:11 (twenty years ago)

Deepest condolences to Sam & Nick. I lost my nan two weeks after losing Liz and at first it barely registered against the shock and all the pain I'd been through up to then. Molly was 90. She lost her father in the First World War and was raised by an uncaring aunt. Her childhood was unhappy but she was endlessly kind, patient and completely devoted to her family. She and her husband raised an equally loving son and daughter despite the constant difficulty of making ends meet. She indulged and doted on us grandkids like all the best nans do and made excellent cakes. Her health declined with age over a number of years. I last saw her over Christmas and she had become very frail and often needed assistance. She hated not being able to look after herself and, in a way, it was better she died when she did rather than endure ever more frequent and lengthy stays in hospital. She liked Liz and I was happy they both got to meet.

She died on the morning of Liz's funeral. All I could think about then was Liz. Now I think about them both all the time.

― robster (robster), Tuesday, 18 October 2005 08:47 (twenty years ago)

Thank you for your thoughts.

Rob, I'm terribly sorry for what you had to go through. I can't imagine having to endure such a heavy load of loss all together.

I've just returned from the long weekend back home. We had visitation/viewing on Saturday afternoon and I saw many relatives I haven't seen in years. Shame how only funerals seem to draw everyone together.

I was held up most of the weekend by staying busy. I stepped and helped my aunt who lived next door to my grandmother and is now responsible for all the aftermath. Busy is good. My brother and put our photoshop and graphic skills to use and made some lovely collages that were displayed by her casket. We showed the best snapshots tracking her from a child to the birth of her most recent great-grandchildren.

Her casket had a little safe in it for people to leave notes or gifts. I put a personal letter in there and the funeral home people spread my half-afghan over her lap. At the last minute my aunt put in a pic of me at three that had always been Ninnie's favorite. Although I know these things make no true difference it was comforting to send her off with tokens of love.

The graveside service yesterday was nice. In between preachers I read something for her and made it to the end before I started to cry.

Now it's done. I'm tired and empty. The world continues spinning and your heart must reshape and continue.

― MissMisery, Tuesday, 18 October 2005 16:36 (twenty years ago)

there was a period from '94 to '98 where all of my older relatives just began passing away. When I was about to graduate from high school, all of my grandparents and great aunts and uncles were alive. By the time I was going to graduate from college, they had all passed on. My grandmother died on April 5 1998 and my grandfather died on April 5 1999. My grandmother had actually suffered a heart attack on October 23 of 1997 and lapsed into a coma from which she never emerged. I received a Halloween card from her in the mail on the 25th, which she had sent out on the 22nd. I had called my grandparents and talked to them for awhile a few days before. She was sending the card to thank me for the conversation and give me $5 to spend on food. :)

― gear (gear), Tuesday, 18 October 2005 20:54 (twenty years ago)

i'm sorry, sam. hang in there.

― geeta (geeta), Wednesday, 19 October 2005 05:01 (twenty years ago)

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