The crimes of the singer-songwriter

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1. Starting every line of their song with the words "I" or "My"

― n/a (Nick A.), Wednesday, 26 October 2005 14:16 (twenty years ago)

2. Overuse of the lyrical tropes "I read that..." and "I heard that..."

― n/a (Nick A.), Wednesday, 26 October 2005 14:17 (twenty years ago)

3. Ruining acoustic guitars for everyone else.

― n/a (Nick A.), Wednesday, 26 October 2005 14:17 (twenty years ago)

4. Encouraging the idea that sincerity in pop music is a good thing.

― n/a (Nick A.), Wednesday, 26 October 2005 14:18 (twenty years ago)

5. In-stores.

― n/a (Nick A.), Wednesday, 26 October 2005 14:19 (twenty years ago)

6. Sitting on stools while performing (they make guitar straps for a reason).

― n/a (Nick A.), Wednesday, 26 October 2005 14:20 (twenty years ago)

7. The perpetuation of the Bob Dylan school of harmonica playing.
7a. That around-neck-harmonica-holder thing.

― n/a (Nick A.), Wednesday, 26 October 2005 14:25 (twenty years ago)

8. Putting their private diaries to music word-for-word.

― The Milkmaid (of Human Kindness) (The Milkmaid), Wednesday, 26 October 2005 14:27 (twenty years ago)

9. Geir Hongro

― BarabadabaDadaismus (Dada), Wednesday, 26 October 2005 14:28 (twenty years ago)

10. Laughing at their own jokes while singing.

― The Milkmaid (of Human Kindness) (The Milkmaid), Wednesday, 26 October 2005 14:29 (twenty years ago)

hating fun

― Britain's Obtusest Shepherd (Alan), Wednesday, 26 October 2005 14:29 (twenty years ago)

12. Unnecessary use of capos

― BarabadabaDadaismus (Dada), Wednesday, 26 October 2005 14:31 (twenty years ago)

13. Writing a song on piano and expecting everyone to be impressed by the fact that they've written a song on piano, even though the song always sounds like either "Imagine" or "After the Goldrush"

― BarabadabaDadaismus (Dada), Wednesday, 26 October 2005 14:33 (twenty years ago)

14. Owning one of those acoustic guitars that comes with a pick-up built in so that they can play through the PA - JUST GET A FUCKING ELECTRIC GUITAR AND A PRACTICE AMP.

― n/a (Nick A.), Wednesday, 26 October 2005 14:35 (twenty years ago)

15. Double parking

― Huk-L (Huk-L), Wednesday, 26 October 2005 14:35 (twenty years ago)

16. Having a part in a song where they soulfully sing nonsense syllables like "La da di da di da dee da" while they slowly shake their head and close their eyes.

― n/a (Nick A.), Wednesday, 26 October 2005 14:36 (twenty years ago)

17. Lyric sheets with albums

― BarabadabaDadaismus (Dada), Wednesday, 26 October 2005 14:37 (twenty years ago)

I'm no huge fan of the singer-songwriter, but at least half of these "crimes" aren't really that bad.

(xpost) OK that one is.

― jaymc (jaymc), Wednesday, 26 October 2005 14:37 (twenty years ago)

18. Saying "fuck" at random intervals to make sure people are listening and to maintain a bit of edginess

― Kittens Licking Cakes (coco), Wednesday, 26 October 2005 14:40 (twenty years ago)

19. Shitty names for backing bands

― gear (gear), Wednesday, 26 October 2005 14:42 (twenty years ago)

20. Writing "honest" songs about their sexuality.

― n/a (Nick A.), Wednesday, 26 October 2005 14:42 (twenty years ago)

21. Attempting to incorporate hip-hop influenced singing styles and/or slang.

― n/a (Nick A.), Wednesday, 26 October 2005 14:44 (twenty years ago)

22. I just realized the naughty "haha" meaning behind the title of Jason Mraz's album Waiting For My Rocket to Come.

― gear (gear), Wednesday, 26 October 2005 14:47 (twenty years ago)

23. ironic trucker hats on singer-songwriters are more annoying on them than on anyone else.

― gear (gear), Wednesday, 26 October 2005 14:48 (twenty years ago)

24. Celebrity girlfriends

― BarabadabaDadaismus (Dada), Wednesday, 26 October 2005 14:57 (twenty years ago)

imagining we care

― Britain's Obtusest Shepherd (Alan), Wednesday, 26 October 2005 14:57 (twenty years ago)

27. The obligatory "turn-up-the-amps"/"I'm rock n' roller at heart" number

― BarabadabaDadaismus (Dada), Wednesday, 26 October 2005 14:59 (twenty years ago)

26. The obligatory "turn-up-the-amps"/"I'm rock n' roller at heart" rockin' out set closer

― BarabadabaDadaismus (Dada), Wednesday, 26 October 2005 15:00 (twenty years ago)

Hey hey, my my, two versions!

― BarabadabaDadaismus (Dada), Wednesday, 26 October 2005 15:00 (twenty years ago)

not writing a tune

― Britain's Obtusest Shepherd (Alan), Wednesday, 26 October 2005 15:03 (twenty years ago)

29. French verses

― Roz (Roz), Wednesday, 26 October 2005 15:04 (twenty years ago)

30. Pausing in the middle of a stupid story about cats to sip from the ubiquitous cup of water or coffee next to the stool.

― The Milkmaid (of Human Kindness) (The Milkmaid), Wednesday, 26 October 2005 15:10 (twenty years ago)

31. Returning to the story after sipping the beverage.

― The Milkmaid (of Human Kindness) (The Milkmaid), Wednesday, 26 October 2005 15:11 (twenty years ago)

32. Hawksley Workman

― Huk-L (Huk-L), Wednesday, 26 October 2005 15:12 (twenty years ago)

the pause-drink is always at a moment when he/she thinks they've just said something funny.

― gear (gear), Wednesday, 26 October 2005 15:12 (twenty years ago)

This is a big one:

33. Explaining what the next/last song is/was about.

― n/a (Nick A.), Wednesday, 26 October 2005 15:35 (twenty years ago)

This thread is roffling great fun.

Would anyone have any objections to my band calling the next record "The Crimes of the Singer-Songwriter" and using the content of this thread as a basis for the artwork?

― tissp! (the impossible shortest specia), Wednesday, 26 October 2005 15:39 (twenty years ago)

34. Nuremberg/Milanese lamppost-worthy facial hair offences.

― Markelby (Mark C), Wednesday, 26 October 2005 15:41 (twenty years ago)

This list is effectively describing a version of hell.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Wednesday, 26 October 2005 15:42 (twenty years ago)

Tissp, you could just put a photo of Rhett Miller on the cover and be done with it, actually.

― Laurel (Laurel), Wednesday, 26 October 2005 15:42 (twenty years ago)

Hahaha

― tissp! (the impossible shortest specia), Wednesday, 26 October 2005 15:42 (twenty years ago)

http://flakmag.com/music/images/rhett.jpg

― gear (gear), Wednesday, 26 October 2005 15:43 (twenty years ago)

35. Comparing themselves to Nina Simone when they are male, white and playing acoustic guitar while sitting on a stool.

― Huk-L (Huk-L), Wednesday, 26 October 2005 15:47 (twenty years ago)

35. Owning Nick Drake records and thus adding to the mythos. Please make them stop.

― jel -- (jel), Wednesday, 26 October 2005 15:47 (twenty years ago)

Seriously, I think he qualifies for about 26 out of 34 so far. And I like Rhett Miller!

― Laurel (Laurel), Wednesday, 26 October 2005 15:49 (twenty years ago)

He must be sacrificed for the good of us all.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Wednesday, 26 October 2005 15:50 (twenty years ago)

It's time for his appointment with the wicker man.

― The Milkmaid (of Human Kindness) (The Milkmaid), Wednesday, 26 October 2005 15:52 (twenty years ago)

36. Claiming to have never heard of Nick Drake, but "alot of people tell me I should check him out."

― andy --, Wednesday, 26 October 2005 15:52 (twenty years ago)

I've never heard of this Rhett guy. I'd much rather nominate that "you've had a bay day, you've taken one for the team" guy. Daniel Powter. yeh.

― jel -- (jel), Wednesday, 26 October 2005 15:54 (twenty years ago)

37. Singing with a fake accent, usually a variant of the American Southern dialect. See also: fake Okie accent.

― The Milkmaid (of Human Kindness) (The Milkmaid), Wednesday, 26 October 2005 15:55 (twenty years ago)

Skipping 89 messages at this point... Click here if you want to load them all.

78-A. Doing a lame cover and inserting members of the party into the song by name.

― Pleasant Plains /// (Pleasant Plains ///), Friday, 28 October 2005 03:43 (twenty years ago)

Wow, that really is terrible. Have you actually observed that?

― Hurting (Hurting), Friday, 28 October 2005 03:44 (twenty years ago)

With "Rocky Raccoon", no less.

― Pleasant Plains /// (Pleasant Plains ///), Friday, 28 October 2005 03:58 (twenty years ago)

The #78 I'm thinking of actually managed to clear an entire living room at a recent party.

― Hurting (Hurting), Friday, 28 October 2005 04:05 (twenty years ago)

You're sure this wasn't a Bill Murray sketch you saw, Pleasant?

― k/l (Ken L), Friday, 28 October 2005 04:05 (twenty years ago)

five months pass...

The second "band" at the show I saw last night was like a walking encyclopedia of these crimes. Allow me to enumerate them:

1) started every song with me, I or my.
2) sang about "life" and what it's "like" four times
3) three songs about angels
4) "love + sky above" rhyme-sin committed
5) referred to his imaginary love-object as "honey" in every song
6) wore mirrored sunglasses on stage for the duration of the performance
7) songs were 5x as long as they needed to be
8) songs were more boring than 100 consecutive staff meetings
9) never acknowledged the name of his group, the other members of the group or himself to the audience
10) sucked beyond reason

― The Milkmaid (82375538-A) (The Milkmaid), Friday, 21 April 2006 14:13 (twenty years ago)

I forgot:

11) sang in a faux-country accent.

― The Milkmaid (82375538-A) (The Milkmaid), Friday, 21 April 2006 14:14 (twenty years ago)

Devendra?

― gabbneb (gabbneb), Friday, 21 April 2006 14:32 (twenty years ago)

Bob Dylan?

― TS: Mick Ralphs vs. Ariel Bender (Dada), Friday, 21 April 2006 14:35 (twenty years ago)

Nope. Just some crappy regional band, but it was like someone made a robot Ryan Adams, slapped sunglasses on him and plopped him onstage.

― The Milkmaid (82375538-A) (The Milkmaid), Friday, 21 April 2006 14:38 (twenty years ago)

i still love this thread.

― teh_kit has 18 friends (g-kit), Friday, 21 April 2006 14:46 (twenty years ago)

best thread ever.

― clodia pulchra (emo by proxy), Friday, 21 April 2006 14:58 (twenty years ago)

78. "Offering" to play your songs for a bunch of people at a party whom you've only just met that night, and then proceeding to park yourself in the middle of the room and do your heartfelt falsetto moaning in the dead center of the room, so loudly that everyone talking is forced to stop or leave the room.

I know a guy who used to do this almost serially - it was all for the sake of getting a girl's attention, but it never worked. Everyone was always like "Dude, can we put the stereo back on?"

― Big Loud Mountain Ape (Big Loud Mountain Ape), Friday, 21 April 2006 16:57 (twenty years ago)

79. Singing a song in an overwrought, over-emoted style WHILE eating the microphone so that you can only hear a) the nono-syllabic grunts and growls of her pain and b) her Ani DiFranco wannabe-ness. this is also quite the worst when you have heard her play her own stuff that is quite good.

80. Getting pissed that you don't like the music.

― Big Loud Mountain Ape (Big Loud Mountain Ape), Friday, 21 April 2006 16:59 (twenty years ago)

fuck. this list should be widely distributed and posted in any venue that hosts singer songwriters and open mics.

― AaronK (AaronK), Friday, 21 April 2006 17:17 (twenty years ago)

haw

― n/a (Nick A.), Friday, 21 April 2006 17:27 (twenty years ago)

How does one start a song with "Me"?

Assuming the first lyric isn't "Me Tarzan, You Jane!"? Which would be great but not particularly singer-songwriterly.

― Tim Finney (Tim Finney), Saturday, 22 April 2006 00:48 (twenty years ago)

The need to be taken seriously

― Zab Judah Lives, Saturday, 22 April 2006 00:50 (twenty years ago)

The need to be seen as someone who does not compromise his/her art though sell out is stamped on their forehead

― Zab Judah Lives, Saturday, 22 April 2006 00:51 (twenty years ago)

Dumb songs need to be seen as pure genius

― Zab Judah Lives, Saturday, 22 April 2006 00:52 (twenty years ago)

Did someone say 'Duets with other equally as mimsy singer-songwriters'?

― dr lulu (dr lulu), Saturday, 22 April 2006 00:55 (twenty years ago)

The fruits of laziness redefined as suffering at the hands of an unappreciative world.

― Zab Judah Lives, Saturday, 22 April 2006 00:58 (twenty years ago)

"me with my cup in my hand, you in a rock and roll band. me with my dreams of... etcetc.etc"

― Sterling Clover (s_clover), Saturday, 22 April 2006 05:50 (twenty years ago)

8X.) "Okay, here's where the guitar solo would go. Maybe a harmonica. What's that? Oh, yeah. Some of that, too."

― Pleasant Plains /// (Pleasant Plains ///), Saturday, 22 April 2006 05:58 (twenty years ago)

88. The CUNT who I keep accidentally hearing in various Hull pubs who does QotSA's "No One Knows". One day soon, friend, our paths will cross when I don't have anybody with me to restrain me from taking that guitar and pounding you with it till the coppers arrive.

― Ricky Nadir (noodle vague), Saturday, 22 April 2006 09:31 (twenty years ago)

Self proclaimed martyr when landlord throws him out on the street for bagging 3 months of rent.

― IL CONCEIVO, Saturday, 22 April 2006 10:21 (twenty years ago)

three years pass...

Q: What's the difference between puppies and singer-songwriters?

A: Puppies stop whining after a few weeks.

― banjoboy, Saturday, 7 November 2009 12:51 (sixteen years ago)

Me 3 years ago otm

― Drag Me to Hull (Noodle Vague), Saturday, 7 November 2009 13:13 (sixteen years ago)

The wry/sad/"ain't that how life is?" closed-eye la-di-da thing is by far the worst offense.

― Doctor Casino, Saturday, 7 November 2009 13:27 (sixteen years ago)

one year passes...

haw

― congratulations (n/a), Wednesday, 1 December 2010 15:59 (fifteen years ago)

Heard at an open mic night, from grey-ponytailed oldster:

"This is a song about... the struggle for recognition"

― e.g. delegates at a set age (ledge), Wednesday, 1 December 2010 16:04 (fifteen years ago)

good thread

― bows don't kill people, arrows do (Jordan), Wednesday, 1 December 2010 16:37 (fifteen years ago)

In fact, one such duo played after us at our most recent show. She was this British hippie girl and you could read all over the djembe-player that he had been secretly longing to bone her for a very long time.

After a really long night of bands (5 in all), there was karaoke, and when she got up to sing a song, he started djembe-ing from the audience!

― Hurting (Hurting), Wednesday, October 26, 2005 5:05 PM (5 years ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

― bows don't kill people, arrows do (Jordan), Wednesday, 1 December 2010 16:38 (fifteen years ago)

GUESS WHAT N/A IS DOING NEXT FRIDAY NIGHT AT THE SINGER-SONGWRITER NIGHT I'M CURATING IN CHICAGO

― Two and a Half Muffins (Eazy), Wednesday, 1 December 2010 16:56 (fifteen years ago)

subtle and elaborate singer-songwriter parody that incorporates everything listed in this thread?

― bows don't kill people, arrows do (Jordan), Wednesday, 1 December 2010 17:05 (fifteen years ago)

ha ha that was why i revived this thread

first show i'll have ever played with an acoustic guitar :/

― congratulations (n/a), Wednesday, 1 December 2010 17:18 (fifteen years ago)

any variation on 'walking down the street" should be verboten (cept when Roxanne Shanté says it)

How does one start a song with "Me"?

"Me, I dig Derrida."

― Kevin John Bozelka, Wednesday, 1 December 2010 17:23 (fifteen years ago)

"Me and Ron had the uniform on, but we're not going to school"

(Stina Nordenstam, "Trainsurfing")

― lonely is as lonely does, lonely is an eeyore (unregistered), Wednesday, 1 December 2010 18:36 (fifteen years ago)

two years pass...

This thread is killing me today.

― Doctor Casino, Wednesday, 6 March 2013 17:27 (thirteen years ago)

softly, though?

― slugbuggy, Wednesday, 6 March 2013 18:55 (thirteen years ago)

Gotta say "Taking your sweet time in between songs". I'm sorry, but if you have ended a song, you need to either speak to the audience or have started another song by the time 1 minute has passed.

― Emperor Cos Dashit (Adam Bruneau), Wednesday, 6 March 2013 19:49 (thirteen years ago)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1TcViT1G_p0

― global tetrahedron, Friday, 8 March 2013 01:37 (thirteen years ago)

after the show, he takes the soundboard recording and listens to it on the way home. he has to pull the car over to regain his composure. only he could have made this. on the remaining drive home he turns it up so loud his speakers almost blow out. then he has an epic masturbation-thon, not once, not twice, but three times straight. his penis is red hot and raw. he is the greatest singer-songwriter in the bay area

― ( ( ( ( ( ( ( (Z S), Friday, 8 March 2013 01:44 (thirteen years ago)

http://o.scdn.co/300/daaaf0b619595fab5ab77c263102d7f3ecedc273

― i guess i'd just rather listen to canned heat? (ian), Friday, 8 March 2013 01:47 (thirteen years ago)

(i listen to a lot of singer-songwriter records.)

― i guess i'd just rather listen to canned heat? (ian), Friday, 8 March 2013 01:52 (thirteen years ago)

after the show, he takes the soundboard recording and listens to it on the way home. he has to pull the car over to regain his composure. only he could have made this. on the remaining drive home he turns it up so loud his speakers almost blow out. then he has an epic masturbation-thon, not once, not twice, but three times straight. his penis is red hot and raw. he is the greatest singer-songwriter in the bay area

I've known guys who'd throw the soundboard of their show directly into the deck as they left the club :(

― available for sporting events (underrated aerosmith bootlegs I have owned), Friday, 8 March 2013 02:00 (thirteen years ago)

and then...and then!?!?

― ( ( ( ( ( ( ( (Z S), Friday, 8 March 2013 02:03 (thirteen years ago)

and then this video at 2:07, that's what

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=57LboHngkn4

― ( ( ( ( ( ( ( (Z S), Friday, 8 March 2013 02:08 (thirteen years ago)

I remember these sound guys used to try to sell you a cdr of the soundboard recording for $50, which you were lucky if you were getting 75 for the gig, this one dude we called Captain Ponytail was one of those ”chill” hippie types that are actually really tense and seething with passive aggression, he'd act butthurt all night if you didn't buy the soundboard mix, like what the fuck do I want to listen to some thin sounding recording of us fucking up our songs for? Made me so mad

― u r the best magician ever. my bad levitate me pls (upper mississippi sh@kedown), Friday, 8 March 2013 03:52 (thirteen years ago)

two years pass...

* political song about some historical incident we all learned about in high school, with really obvious villains and moral lesson, like McCarthyism or the Scopes Monkey Trial

* same deal, but instead inspired by ubiquitous book with obvious meaning, like Animal Farm or Fahrenheit 451, which singer-songwriter has convinced self is powerful obscure work which everyone should read.

* or a great artist nobody appreciated, "will they ever understand" etc., particularly if the artist was in reality well-liked and successful.

* setting the guitar aside for one song in favor of some gimmick instrument, with obvious pauses for effect as they strap on the concertina/ukelele/bullroarer, which they hope will get a big swoon/laugh/round of applause. bonus points if they find a way to weave into their patter the fact that this was actually the instrument they got lessons on as a kid, or alternately, to name-check the instrument and how cool they think it is.

* if at an open-mic, invariably going over their allotted time as if they couldn't calculate beforehand that throwing in the seven-minute dylan cover as the penultimate song would be a problem.

― Gorefest Frump (Doctor Casino), Thursday, 29 October 2015 04:10 (ten years ago)

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