so my friend at work is friend's with this guy who got cheated on the other night... the girl wrote an apology email and he responded with another email and then forwarded it on to like 100 people...my friend at work being one of them, and then he forwarded it to me. Classic response.
ORIGINAL LETTER:
Brad,
It would be difficult for me to be any more miserable right now, Ifeel like the worst person ever. First, let me start by saying that Iam truly truly sorry, and I hate myself for hurting you. Of all thepeople in the whole entire world, you were honestly the last personthat I would ever want to wrong in any way. There is no excuse at allfor anything that happened, so I won't even try other than to say allof us had WAY too much to drink, and I did a stupid thing. I canhandle you being pissed at me, I absolutely deserve it, I can evenhandle the ugly words that were exchanged between us, what I can'thandle is thinking that you see me as a different person. It is weird,I feel like I just went through a horrible break up or something. Theworld looked funny yesterday, I couldn't crack a smile if you paid me,there are songs I can't listen to, and I just ! feel beyond crushed. Idon't know if you meant everything you said to me, and I am hopingthat you didn't. I know that I was wrong on many levels, but I am alsohoping that this is something that we can deal with. I know it soundstotally crazy and stupid, but you have come to play such a significantrole in my life, I can't imagine my days without you. It is totallystrange and weird to say that, and you could say that my behaviordidn't reflect that, and you would be correct. I hate feeling like youhate me, and I hate feeling like all of your friends think I am aterrible person, because I am not. I know there is nothing I can sayor do to take back what happened, but I just want you to know thatfighting with you was just about the worst thing I could have everimagined. It was right up there with one of the ugliest nights of mylife, and I would give anything in the world to rewind and fix it.
I am not sure if you will respond to this, part of me thinks that youwon't. If not today, then maybe some other time. Also, thanks forgetting my stuff together, although I think my sunglasses are still atyour house, if you could keep your eyes peeled for them that would begreat. I can't even focus or work today, I can't eat, I seriously feellike it was an ugly break up, and I am hoping against hopes that itwas not that and you are not done with me. Please don't cut me off, Ireally don't think I can handle that.
I am so sorry.
Elizabeth
RESPONSE:
Dear Elizabeth,
Thank you for your concern. I'll be sure to file it away under "L"for "Long-winded diatribes from drunken whores I couldn't care lessabout".
You did a stupid thing huh? No...doing long division and forgettingto carry the one is "a stupid thing"; Mixing in a red sock with a loadof whites is "a stupid thing"; Blowing some guy in a bathroom for 45minutes while I sit at the bar wondering if you're taking so longbecause you ate too much bran that morning isn't as much a "Stupidthing" as it is grounds for permanent removal from my social calendar.
To be honest, I'm not sure if it was more amusing that you went anddegraded yourself in a public toilet not once but twice in a 2 hourspan, or that you seemed to think that by saying "Well, I didn't Fuckhim" somehow gave you a clean slate.
So forgive me if I couldn't care less if the world "looked funny" toyou yesterday. Since your world revolves around blow dryers, goldenretrievers, Prada Bags and Jelly Beans, I'm sure it must have beenmost unsettling to actually have to consider someone else's feelingsfor 24 hours straight. The good news for you is that my friends don'tthink you're a terrible person, they just think you're the average runof the mill cum-guzzling blond who commands about as much respect asyour average child porn collector. I could be wrong but, it's prettyhard to respect some B&T chick who comes out to spend the night at myplace even though she's seeing someone else in New jersey and winds uptongue-bathing the taint of anyone who decides 30 minutes of droningcommentary on Colin Farrell's new haircut is worth putting up with fora hand job in the men's room. The good thing about being a guy is thatwhen I eventually bump into the young lad who finger-blasted you ontop of a towel dispenser last saturday, we'll have a shot and laughour heads off about the time it happened.
By the way, for the amount of time you claim to spend in spin classyou really must be doing something wrong to sport the thunder thighsyou do. Watching you parade around my bedroom in a thong was a littlelike watching sea lions mate. Thought you might like to know.
PS. I BCC'd about 100 people on this email.
Talk to you never,Brad
― hstencil (hstencil), Friday, 28 October 2005 19:07 (twenty years ago)
I could be wrong but, it's pretty hard to respect some B&T chick who comes out to spend the night at my place even though she's seeing someone else in New jersey and winds up tongue-bathing the taint of anyone who decides 30 minutes of droning commentary on Colin Farrell's new haircut is worth putting up with for a hand job in the men's room.
sooooo classic!
― hstencil (hstencil), Friday, 28 October 2005 19:11 (twenty years ago)
― miccio (miccio), Friday, 28 October 2005 19:11 (twenty years ago)
― The Ghost of Black Elegance (Dan Perry), Friday, 28 October 2005 19:11 (twenty years ago)
― hstencil (hstencil), Friday, 28 October 2005 19:12 (twenty years ago)
― Jordan (Jordan), Friday, 28 October 2005 19:12 (twenty years ago)
hence the "not quite"
― miccio (miccio), Friday, 28 October 2005 19:13 (twenty years ago)
― The Ghost of Black Elegance (Dan Perry), Friday, 28 October 2005 19:13 (twenty years ago)
― Alex in SF (Alex in SF), Friday, 28 October 2005 19:14 (twenty years ago)
― hstencil (hstencil), Friday, 28 October 2005 19:14 (twenty years ago)
― nabisco (nabisco), Friday, 28 October 2005 19:14 (twenty years ago)
― Dr Morbius (Dr Morbius), Friday, 28 October 2005 19:15 (twenty years ago)
― sexyDancer (sexyDancer), Friday, 28 October 2005 19:15 (twenty years ago)
― hstencil (hstencil), Friday, 28 October 2005 19:15 (twenty years ago)
and yeah I don't think the winner here is anybody but the roffling bystander.
― miccio (miccio), Friday, 28 October 2005 19:16 (twenty years ago)
― The Obligatory Sourpuss (Begs2Differ), Friday, 28 October 2005 19:16 (twenty years ago)
This little bit of unnecessary nastiness is golden. This letter totally follows the classic "Fuck You letter" format: introduction, airing of grievances, goodbye, gratuitous abuse.
― The Ghost of Black Elegance (Dan Perry), Friday, 28 October 2005 19:16 (twenty years ago)
― miccio (miccio), Friday, 28 October 2005 19:18 (twenty years ago)
― The Obligatory Sourpuss (Begs2Differ), Friday, 28 October 2005 19:18 (twenty years ago)
yep!
― hstencil (hstencil), Friday, 28 October 2005 19:19 (twenty years ago)
― Allyzay knows a little German (allyzay), Friday, 28 October 2005 19:20 (twenty years ago)
― nabisco (nabisco), Friday, 28 October 2005 19:20 (twenty years ago)
― miccio (miccio), Friday, 28 October 2005 19:21 (twenty years ago)
― Jordan (Jordan), Friday, 28 October 2005 19:21 (twenty years ago)
― Just Kidding (Begs2Differ), Friday, 28 October 2005 19:22 (twenty years ago)
― nabisco (nabisco), Friday, 28 October 2005 19:23 (twenty years ago)
― miccio (miccio), Friday, 28 October 2005 19:24 (twenty years ago)
― The Ghost of Black Elegance (Dan Perry), Friday, 28 October 2005 19:25 (twenty years ago)
The thunder thighs line was the worst - clearly she wasn't too bad or he wouldn't be so upset about not getting to fuck her again.
― Are You Nomar? (miloaukerman), Friday, 28 October 2005 19:25 (twenty years ago)
― Allyzay knows a little German (allyzay), Friday, 28 October 2005 19:26 (twenty years ago)
― sexyDancer (sexyDancer), Friday, 28 October 2005 19:26 (twenty years ago)
― captin crunchheart (dr g), Friday, 28 October 2005 19:27 (twenty years ago)
― Laurel (Laurel), Friday, 28 October 2005 19:27 (twenty years ago)
― miccio (miccio), Friday, 28 October 2005 19:28 (twenty years ago)
― Are You Nomar? (miloaukerman), Friday, 28 October 2005 19:29 (twenty years ago)
― Allyzay knows a little German (allyzay), Friday, 28 October 2005 19:30 (twenty years ago)
You were nothing but a warm hole to both of us!
LOVE,B-RAD
― captin crunchheart (dr g), Friday, 28 October 2005 19:30 (twenty years ago)
x-post Ally OTM
― miccio (miccio), Friday, 28 October 2005 19:30 (twenty years ago)
― Laurel (Laurel), Friday, 28 October 2005 19:31 (twenty years ago)
― howell huser (chaki), Friday, 28 October 2005 19:33 (twenty years ago)
Everyone caught this, right? They got together because she cheated on her ex with him instants after they first met?
I think Brad was actually cobbled together by mad Dr. Chumpenstein.
― The Ghost of Black Elegance (Dan Perry), Friday, 28 October 2005 19:33 (twenty years ago)
― sleep (sleep), Friday, 28 October 2005 19:34 (twenty years ago)
― Je4nn3 ƒur¥ (Je4nne Fury), Friday, 28 October 2005 19:34 (twenty years ago)
Since your world revolves around blow dryers, goldenretrievers, Prada Bags and Jelly Beans, I'm sure it must have beenmost unsettling to actually have to consider someone else's feelingsfor 24 hours straight.
― strongo hulkington's ghost (dubplatestyle), Friday, 28 October 2005 19:35 (twenty years ago)
― miccio (miccio), Friday, 28 October 2005 19:35 (twenty years ago)
― sleep (sleep), Friday, 28 October 2005 19:35 (twenty years ago)
― Laurel (Laurel), Friday, 28 October 2005 19:35 (twenty years ago)
― Jordan (Jordan), Friday, 28 October 2005 19:38 (twenty years ago)
― Alex in SF (Alex in SF), Friday, 28 October 2005 19:38 (twenty years ago)
― miccio (miccio), Friday, 28 October 2005 19:39 (twenty years ago)
not terribly dissimilar from my work daydreams
― strongo hulkington's ghost (dubplatestyle), Friday, 28 October 2005 21:18 (twenty years ago)
Be see seeing you,Brad
― DR. FRANK EINSTEIN PHD (cprek), Friday, 28 October 2005 21:20 (twenty years ago)
― emilys. (emilys.), Friday, 28 October 2005 21:22 (twenty years ago)
― Martin Skidmore (Martin Skidmore), Friday, 28 October 2005 22:00 (twenty years ago)
― when something smacks of something (dave225.3), Friday, 28 October 2005 22:12 (twenty years ago)
― moley, Saturday, 29 October 2005 00:01 (twenty years ago)
― emilys. (emilys.), Saturday, 29 October 2005 00:04 (twenty years ago)
― moley, Saturday, 29 October 2005 00:07 (twenty years ago)
― aimurchie (aimurchie), Saturday, 29 October 2005 10:54 (twenty years ago)
OH NOES
― The Ghost of Black Elegance (Dan Perry), Saturday, 29 October 2005 12:01 (twenty years ago)
― Brad (ghostface), Saturday, 29 October 2005 13:15 (twenty years ago)
sorry nabisco, but this typo made me laugh.
― maria tessa sciarrino (theoreticalgirl), Saturday, 29 October 2005 13:37 (twenty years ago)
In all honesty I can't picture a girl giving two blowjobs in a row. Was it with the same guy? Then maybe. But it seems like Brad is hallucinating or paranoid. Did she fool around? I also found it quite sad that he needs to boost his ego by slandering her a Prada-carrying dog-loving blond with sexy thighs.
― nathalie, a bum like you (stevie nixed), Saturday, 29 October 2005 13:41 (twenty years ago)
― Martin Skidmore (Martin Skidmore), Saturday, 29 October 2005 14:35 (twenty years ago)
― Alba (Alba), Saturday, 29 October 2005 14:43 (twenty years ago)
― Alba (Alba), Saturday, 29 October 2005 14:45 (twenty years ago)
― 57 7th (calstars), Saturday, 29 October 2005 15:11 (twenty years ago)
― jhoshea (scoopsnoodle), Saturday, 29 October 2005 15:40 (twenty years ago)
"This reflects poorly on those who find it funny."
and
"The fact that Brad's email has resonated enough to be widely circulated is a depressing statement on the pent-up aggression and feelings of emasculation of the people of the internets."
― Momus (Momus), Saturday, 29 October 2005 16:03 (twenty years ago)
― lal (bato), Saturday, 29 October 2005 16:08 (twenty years ago)
How many times do I have to tell you: I left because you were so far into the can that you couldn't get it up. The customers that were waiting in line were up and at 'em. Do the math.
It's pathetic that you had to fake an email from me to make your friends think that you actually have a girlfriend. What we had was a business transaction, skip, and when I realized you were too soggy to fulfil your end of the bargain, I cut my losses and moved on.
Incidentally, in your fucked-up state you may have also neglected to notice that I'm a man. Those "thunder thighs" you noticed are actually the result of a lot of cycling...yes, I may blow miserable hipster assnecks to pay the bills--I'm studying to become a physicist, actually--but I do take care of myself. You should probably start, too.
Yours,"Elizabeth"
ps. Social calendar? Don't make me laugh. I see you at the same bar every night, passed out under a table. Pathetic.
― "Elizabeth" (aka Bob) (SeanC), Sunday, 30 October 2005 16:28 (twenty years ago)
but, brads response now has elizabeth pinned into her own half. clearly he feels, that by going out on the offensive, shes going to be pinned back and unable to mount a pincer attack on those shades.
but i think brad made one crucial mistake, and its easy to see that it is one of hubris. in copying in lots of people, and revealing the location of the sunglasses, he leaves himself open to elizabeth mounting an attack-by-proxy, using a sympathizer or ally, to retrieve the sunglasses next time they are round at brads
― terry lennox. (gareth), Sunday, 30 October 2005 17:02 (twenty years ago)
But would Ally be happy being part of this?
― ailsa (ailsa), Sunday, 30 October 2005 17:19 (twenty years ago)
http://i.gleeson.us/b2/0503/broken_heart_shades.jpg
― CharlieNo4 (Charlie), Sunday, 30 October 2005 17:24 (twenty years ago)
― shookout (shookout), Sunday, 30 October 2005 22:16 (twenty years ago)
― gear (gear), Sunday, 30 October 2005 22:22 (twenty years ago)
― captin crunchheart (dr g), Sunday, 30 October 2005 23:19 (twenty years ago)
― Theorry Henry (Enrique), Monday, 31 October 2005 11:10 (twenty years ago)
― ken c (ken c), Monday, 31 October 2005 11:21 (twenty years ago)
― ken c (ken c), Monday, 31 October 2005 11:22 (twenty years ago)
― gem (trisk), Monday, 31 October 2005 11:25 (twenty years ago)
― Theorry Henry (Enrique), Monday, 31 October 2005 11:26 (twenty years ago)
― ken c (ken c), Monday, 31 October 2005 11:35 (twenty years ago)
― gem (trisk), Monday, 31 October 2005 11:38 (twenty years ago)
― Theorry Henry (Enrique), Monday, 31 October 2005 11:41 (twenty years ago)
― Ben Mott (Ben Mott), Monday, 31 October 2005 11:42 (twenty years ago)
The only time I cheated on a girl was when I found she’d cheated on me; so i cheated on her then dumped her. An eye for an eye etc
How faithful are you lot?
― not-goodwin (not-goodwin), Monday, 31 October 2005 11:51 (twenty years ago)
http://weinish.blogspot.com/2005/10/this-ones-for-ladies.htmlhttp://www.jasonmulgrew.com/content/blog.php
― Come Back Johnny B (Johnney B), Monday, 31 October 2005 11:56 (twenty years ago)
― Theorry Henry (Enrique), Monday, 31 October 2005 11:56 (twenty years ago)
― gear (gear), Monday, 31 October 2005 17:06 (twenty years ago)
― hstencil (hstencil), Monday, 31 October 2005 17:14 (twenty years ago)
― ken c (ken c), Monday, 31 October 2005 17:17 (twenty years ago)
― hstencil (hstencil), Monday, 31 October 2005 17:31 (twenty years ago)
― ken c (ken c), Monday, 31 October 2005 17:34 (twenty years ago)
― emilys. (emilys.), Tuesday, 1 November 2005 01:24 (twenty years ago)
― emilys. (emilys.), Tuesday, 1 November 2005 01:26 (twenty years ago)
― Beth Parker (Beth Parker), Tuesday, 1 November 2005 02:48 (twenty years ago)
― mickey raft (mickeygraft), Tuesday, 1 November 2005 13:22 (twenty years ago)