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BEST fuck-off email EVER:

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got this from a work colleague:

so my friend at work is friend's with this guy who got cheated on the other night... the girl wrote an apology email and he responded with another email and then forwarded it on to like 100 people...my friend at work being one of them, and then he forwarded it to me. Classic response.

ORIGINAL LETTER:

Brad,

It would be difficult for me to be any more miserable right now, I
feel like the worst person ever. First, let me start by saying that I
am truly truly sorry, and I hate myself for hurting you. Of all the
people in the whole entire world, you were honestly the last person
that I would ever want to wrong in any way. There is no excuse at all
for anything that happened, so I won't even try other than to say all
of us had WAY too much to drink, and I did a stupid thing. I can
handle you being pissed at me, I absolutely deserve it, I can even
handle the ugly words that were exchanged between us, what I can't
handle is thinking that you see me as a different person. It is weird,
I feel like I just went through a horrible break up or something. The
world looked funny yesterday, I couldn't crack a smile if you paid me,
there are songs I can't listen to, and I just ! feel beyond crushed. I
don't know if you meant everything you said to me, and I am hoping
that you didn't. I know that I was wrong on many levels, but I am also
hoping that this is something that we can deal with. I know it sounds
totally crazy and stupid, but you have come to play such a significant
role in my life, I can't imagine my days without you. It is totally
strange and weird to say that, and you could say that my behavior
didn't reflect that, and you would be correct. I hate feeling like you
hate me, and I hate feeling like all of your friends think I am a
terrible person, because I am not. I know there is nothing I can say
or do to take back what happened, but I just want you to know that
fighting with you was just about the worst thing I could have ever
imagined. It was right up there with one of the ugliest nights of my
life, and I would give anything in the world to rewind and fix it.

I am not sure if you will respond to this, part of me thinks that you
won't. If not today, then maybe some other time. Also, thanks for
getting my stuff together, although I think my sunglasses are still at
your house, if you could keep your eyes peeled for them that would be
great. I can't even focus or work today, I can't eat, I seriously feel
like it was an ugly break up, and I am hoping against hopes that it
was not that and you are not done with me. Please don't cut me off, I
really don't think I can handle that.

I am so sorry.

Elizabeth


RESPONSE:

Dear Elizabeth,

Thank you for your concern. I'll be sure to file it away under "L"
for "Long-winded diatribes from drunken whores I couldn't care less
about".

You did a stupid thing huh? No...doing long division and forgetting
to carry the one is "a stupid thing"; Mixing in a red sock with a load
of whites is "a stupid thing"; Blowing some guy in a bathroom for 45
minutes while I sit at the bar wondering if you're taking so long
because you ate too much bran that morning isn't as much a "Stupid
thing" as it is grounds for permanent removal from my social calendar.

To be honest, I'm not sure if it was more amusing that you went and
degraded yourself in a public toilet not once but twice in a 2 hour
span, or that you seemed to think that by saying "Well, I didn't Fuck
him" somehow gave you a clean slate.

So forgive me if I couldn't care less if the world "looked funny" to
you yesterday. Since your world revolves around blow dryers, golden
retrievers, Prada Bags and Jelly Beans, I'm sure it must have been
most unsettling to actually have to consider someone else's feelings
for 24 hours straight. The good news for you is that my friends don't
think you're a terrible person, they just think you're the average run
of the mill cum-guzzling blond who commands about as much respect as
your average child porn collector. I could be wrong but, it's pretty
hard to respect some B&T chick who comes out to spend the night at my
place even though she's seeing someone else in New jersey and winds up
tongue-bathing the taint of anyone who decides 30 minutes of droning
commentary on Colin Farrell's new haircut is worth putting up with for
a hand job in the men's room. The good thing about being a guy is that
when I eventually bump into the young lad who finger-blasted you on
top of a towel dispenser last saturday, we'll have a shot and laugh
our heads off about the time it happened.

By the way, for the amount of time you claim to spend in spin class
you really must be doing something wrong to sport the thunder thighs
you do. Watching you parade around my bedroom in a thong was a little
like watching sea lions mate. Thought you might like to know.

PS. I BCC'd about 100 people on this email.

Talk to you never,
Brad

― hstencil (hstencil), Friday, 28 October 2005 19:07 (twenty years ago)

c'mon, people:

I could be wrong but, it's pretty hard to respect some B&T chick who comes out to spend the night at my place even though she's seeing someone else in New jersey and winds up tongue-bathing the taint of anyone who decides 30 minutes of droning commentary on Colin Farrell's new haircut is worth putting up with for a hand job in the men's room.

sooooo classic!

― hstencil (hstencil), Friday, 28 October 2005 19:11 (twenty years ago)

It's not quite Albee, but it will do.

― miccio (miccio), Friday, 28 October 2005 19:11 (twenty years ago)

This amused me.

― The Ghost of Black Elegance (Dan Perry), Friday, 28 October 2005 19:11 (twenty years ago)

xpost - albee characters discuss taints and the tongue-bathing thereof?

― hstencil (hstencil), Friday, 28 October 2005 19:12 (twenty years ago)

I was happier before I read either of those e-mails.

― Jordan (Jordan), Friday, 28 October 2005 19:12 (twenty years ago)

xpost - albee characters discuss taints and the tongue-bathing thereof?

hence the "not quite"

― miccio (miccio), Friday, 28 October 2005 19:13 (twenty years ago)

I am confused, though; was she giving out hand jobs or blow jobs?

― The Ghost of Black Elegance (Dan Perry), Friday, 28 October 2005 19:13 (twenty years ago)

If Brad thinks that forwarding that "fuck-off" e-mail reflects well on him, he's sadly mistaken. Pathetic.

― Alex in SF (Alex in SF), Friday, 28 October 2005 19:14 (twenty years ago)

no wonder i could never really get interested in theater.

― hstencil (hstencil), Friday, 28 October 2005 19:14 (twenty years ago)

I think I'm with Jordan. Actually I'd decided I was probably gonna feel bad for her, but then wait: did she really get with some guy in the bathroom while he was, like, at the bar? Cause that's just insane. Not necessarily blind-copy the universe insane, but insane.

― nabisco (nabisco), Friday, 28 October 2005 19:14 (twenty years ago)

Straight peoples is CRAZEEEE

― Dr Morbius (Dr Morbius), Friday, 28 October 2005 19:15 (twenty years ago)

what a royal dick

― sexyDancer (sexyDancer), Friday, 28 October 2005 19:15 (twenty years ago)

alex, you're totally right, the dude is pathetic. but the way that he handled it is sooooo classically pathetic that i can't help but chuckle.

― hstencil (hstencil), Friday, 28 October 2005 19:15 (twenty years ago)

2 guys!!! in 2 hours!!!

and yeah I don't think the winner here is anybody but the roffling bystander.

― miccio (miccio), Friday, 28 October 2005 19:16 (twenty years ago)

haha dude your girl cheated on you in a bathroom and you wrote an email about it

― The Obligatory Sourpuss (Begs2Differ), Friday, 28 October 2005 19:16 (twenty years ago)

By the way, for the amount of time you claim to spend in spin class
you really must be doing something wrong to sport the thunder thighs
you do.

This little bit of unnecessary nastiness is golden. This letter totally follows the classic "Fuck You letter" format: introduction, airing of grievances, goodbye, gratuitous abuse.

― The Ghost of Black Elegance (Dan Perry), Friday, 28 October 2005 19:16 (twenty years ago)

not to mention reaffirmation of masculinity (he and the banger will laugh together, allegedly)

― miccio (miccio), Friday, 28 October 2005 19:18 (twenty years ago)

instead of being in spin class she was cheating on him, duh, this guy sounds like he looks like a dan clowes character

― The Obligatory Sourpuss (Begs2Differ), Friday, 28 October 2005 19:18 (twenty years ago)

and yeah I don't think the winner here is anybody but the roffling bystander.

yep!

― hstencil (hstencil), Friday, 28 October 2005 19:19 (twenty years ago)

He wanted 100 of his closest friends to know he sat at a bar by his lonesome for 2 hours while his girlfriend was train-blowing dudes??? I don't think I'd want anyone to have that kind of information about me, I wouldn't want everyone to know I was a complete sucker.

― Allyzay knows a little German (allyzay), Friday, 28 October 2005 19:20 (twenty years ago)

Something about the emailing seems not only sad but just kind of crazed and inhuman and insecure. And not in terms of being mean to her, but in terms of ... well, not having the normal human reaction here of genuine hurt and maybe even offense and shame and disgust at the whole thing. Instead he's kind of insecurely shoving it all out on someone else in the form of bad humor. Go be hurt, Brad! Be a human!

― nabisco (nabisco), Friday, 28 October 2005 19:20 (twenty years ago)

and you know he totally paid the tab

― miccio (miccio), Friday, 28 October 2005 19:21 (twenty years ago)

It is kind of funny how after reading the first e-mail you think that maybe they were in a meaningful long-term relationship, but then no, they're just idiots.

― Jordan (Jordan), Friday, 28 October 2005 19:21 (twenty years ago)

yeah this happens to me all the time but I don't go around BRAGGING about it

― Just Kidding (Begs2Differ), Friday, 28 October 2005 19:22 (twenty years ago)

Anyway this is probably working out really well for Elizabeth, cause theoretically about two dozen of Brad's more opportunistic friends are writing to console her and compliment her on those big sexy thighs.

― nabisco (nabisco), Friday, 28 October 2005 19:23 (twenty years ago)

seriously! and the train kept a-rollin'!

― miccio (miccio), Friday, 28 October 2005 19:24 (twenty years ago)

Ally and nabisco and TOS and miccio and basically everyone OTM.

― The Ghost of Black Elegance (Dan Perry), Friday, 28 October 2005 19:25 (twenty years ago)

This would have been much better if he just wrote the 'me and the finger-banger will have a shot about this" paragraph. The rest is just pathetic and desperate, which puts the lie to that laugh-it-off/above-it-all statement.

The thunder thighs line was the worst - clearly she wasn't too bad or he wouldn't be so upset about not getting to fuck her again.

― Are You Nomar? (miloaukerman), Friday, 28 October 2005 19:25 (twenty years ago)

Virtually every single person I've ever known named Brad or Elizabeth have been totally reprehensible in some meaningful way. WTF is that about. Not that I've met these people or believe they actually exist.

― Allyzay knows a little German (allyzay), Friday, 28 October 2005 19:26 (twenty years ago)

please somebody put anthrax in this guy's buffalo wings

― sexyDancer (sexyDancer), Friday, 28 October 2005 19:26 (twenty years ago)

she bcc'd some dude a bj

― captin crunchheart (dr g), Friday, 28 October 2005 19:27 (twenty years ago)

He had me up to "...social calendar" but it's straight downhill from there, and he really ought to be dipped in molten lava for the thighs bit. The bulk is just...sad. For everyone involved. Wow. I mean, she's an idiot, but he's cruel & vindictive -- waiter, can I get a third option, please?

― Laurel (Laurel), Friday, 28 October 2005 19:27 (twenty years ago)

actually, the me and banger part was pretty pathetic. Why does he think the banger won't also laugh at HIM?

― miccio (miccio), Friday, 28 October 2005 19:28 (twenty years ago)

I thought that was effective on its own in asserting his own masculinity and her trashiness. 'You were nothing but a warm hole to both of us!' Pathetic in its own way, but actually cutting.

― Are You Nomar? (miloaukerman), Friday, 28 October 2005 19:29 (twenty years ago)

It he had just STOPPED after the FIRST PARAGRAPH it would've been so much better.

― Allyzay knows a little German (allyzay), Friday, 28 October 2005 19:30 (twenty years ago)

DAEREST FATTEY,

You were nothing but a warm hole to both of us!

LOVE,
B-RAD

― captin crunchheart (dr g), Friday, 28 October 2005 19:30 (twenty years ago)

i would agree if it actually asserted his masculinity in a plausible manner, rather than draw attention to the difference between him and those passing schlongs in the night.

x-post Ally OTM

― miccio (miccio), Friday, 28 October 2005 19:30 (twenty years ago)

Totally, Allz.

― Laurel (Laurel), Friday, 28 October 2005 19:31 (twenty years ago)

please keep us updated on the brad and elizabeth saga, stnce!

― howell huser (chaki), Friday, 28 October 2005 19:33 (twenty years ago)

I could be wrong but, it's pretty hard to respect some B&T chick who comes out to spend the night at my place even though she's seeing someone else in New jersey and winds up tongue-bathing the taint of anyone who decides 30 minutes of droning commentary on Colin Farrell's new haircut is worth putting up with for a hand job in the men's room.

Everyone caught this, right? They got together because she cheated on her ex with him instants after they first met?

I think Brad was actually cobbled together by mad Dr. Chumpenstein.

― The Ghost of Black Elegance (Dan Perry), Friday, 28 October 2005 19:33 (twenty years ago)

i agree with ally. i expected the reply to be a lot more concise. he calls her email long-winded, then matches it.

― sleep (sleep), Friday, 28 October 2005 19:34 (twenty years ago)

Last week my friend sent this very email to me saying "Read this. The Brad guy is friends with my co-worker." If this is true, shit be spreading like wildfire on the nets.

― Je4nn3 ƒur¥ (Je4nne Fury), Friday, 28 October 2005 19:34 (twenty years ago)

i have to admit i kinda roffled at this part

Since your world revolves around blow dryers, golden
retrievers, Prada Bags and Jelly Beans, I'm sure it must have been
most unsettling to actually have to consider someone else's feelings
for 24 hours straight.

― strongo hulkington's ghost (dubplatestyle), Friday, 28 October 2005 19:35 (twenty years ago)

I really would love to see these letters read by Paris Hilton and the ghost of Richard Burton, respectively.

― miccio (miccio), Friday, 28 October 2005 19:35 (twenty years ago)

i mean "best fuck-off email ever" cannot be more than 1 or 2 sentences really.

― sleep (sleep), Friday, 28 October 2005 19:35 (twenty years ago)

Dan, I'm sure Chip's -- I mean BRAD'S friends who were bcc:ed are keeping a Heinie cold for him right this minute. He'll bounce back.

― Laurel (Laurel), Friday, 28 October 2005 19:35 (twenty years ago)

Does Paris Hilton like golden retrievers and jelly beans? This girl seems more like the chihuahuas and coke type.

― Jordan (Jordan), Friday, 28 October 2005 19:38 (twenty years ago)

Haha does anyone really know Brad? Is this going to appear on Snopes in a week or two?

― Alex in SF (Alex in SF), Friday, 28 October 2005 19:38 (twenty years ago)

ok how about Melanie Griffith? It's way too airy for Liz Taylor.

― miccio (miccio), Friday, 28 October 2005 19:39 (twenty years ago)

Skipping 52 messages at this point... Click here if you want to load them all.
From what?

not terribly dissimilar from my work daydreams

― strongo hulkington's ghost (dubplatestyle), Friday, 28 October 2005 21:18 (twenty years ago)

Despite what the email headers say I suspect that the intended audience has been misjudged in this discussion. This was an email to 100 of Brad's bros, and the real BCC was Elizabeth.

Be see seeing you,
Brad

― DR. FRANK EINSTEIN PHD (cprek), Friday, 28 October 2005 21:20 (twenty years ago)

good to see that your nuts are still intact, giboyeux

― emilys. (emilys.), Friday, 28 October 2005 21:22 (twenty years ago)

Fantastic post, Nabisco. It was actually the conflicted attempt to do all those things at once that, for me, gave it some verisimilitude - though not all that much, probably.

― Martin Skidmore (Martin Skidmore), Friday, 28 October 2005 22:00 (twenty years ago)

The best fuck off letter is to not care enough to reply.

― when something smacks of something (dave225.3), Friday, 28 October 2005 22:12 (twenty years ago)

I can't see what Elizabeth did wrong, frankly.

― moley, Saturday, 29 October 2005 00:01 (twenty years ago)

wait, are you the guy from the bathroom?

― emilys. (emilys.), Saturday, 29 October 2005 00:04 (twenty years ago)

No, but I'd like to shake his hand. Maybe he could wash it first.

― moley, Saturday, 29 October 2005 00:07 (twenty years ago)

It's 7:30 in the morning. I came to ILX to read all about Plamegate, but got distracted by this thread. Nabisco, your writing class reponse has made me spit coffee on the keyboard TWICE!! Absofuckinglutely brilliant.
I am still laughing. Thank you.

― aimurchie (aimurchie), Saturday, 29 October 2005 10:54 (twenty years ago)

This reflects poorly on those who find it funny.

OH NOES

― The Ghost of Black Elegance (Dan Perry), Saturday, 29 October 2005 12:01 (twenty years ago)

Do you guys have any idea how much money I spent on Bud Ice that night? Jesus Christ

― Brad (ghostface), Saturday, 29 October 2005 13:15 (twenty years ago)

So she winds up sounding like a normal-sized girl with some big sexy thighs, which I like a lot of guys, you know, like.

sorry nabisco, but this typo made me laugh.

― maria tessa sciarrino (theoreticalgirl), Saturday, 29 October 2005 13:37 (twenty years ago)

To be honest, I'm not sure if it was more amusing that you went and
degraded yourself in a public toilet not once but twice in a 2 hour
span

In all honesty I can't picture a girl giving two blowjobs in a row. Was it with the same guy? Then maybe. But it seems like Brad is hallucinating or paranoid. Did she fool around? I also found it quite sad that he needs to boost his ego by slandering her a Prada-carrying dog-loving blond with sexy thighs.

― nathalie, a bum like you (stevie nixed), Saturday, 29 October 2005 13:41 (twenty years ago)

I can assure you it happens, Nath - I have seen it happen, and indeed been a participant, more than once.

― Martin Skidmore (Martin Skidmore), Saturday, 29 October 2005 14:35 (twenty years ago)

You dirty dog.

― Alba (Alba), Saturday, 29 October 2005 14:43 (twenty years ago)

Anyway, I think it's been established that one of these degradations was a handjob.

― Alba (Alba), Saturday, 29 October 2005 14:45 (twenty years ago)

ha ha ha...talk to you never!
Also the sea lions part was great.

― 57 7th (calstars), Saturday, 29 October 2005 15:11 (twenty years ago)

I'm thinking maybe some of the fuck-off email critics in this thread could collaborate on their own fictional fuck-off email exchange and spread it across the internets. That would be funny.

― jhoshea (scoopsnoodle), Saturday, 29 October 2005 15:40 (twenty years ago)

This year's Nobel Prize for Being Technically and Ethically Correct in Comments on an ILE Thread (but Nevertheless Unjustly Unpopular with Participants) goes to polyphonic and emilys for:

"This reflects poorly on those who find it funny."

and

"The fact that Brad's email has resonated enough to be widely circulated is a depressing statement on the pent-up aggression and feelings of emasculation of the people of the internets."

― Momus (Momus), Saturday, 29 October 2005 16:03 (twenty years ago)

ban plz

― lal (bato), Saturday, 29 October 2005 16:08 (twenty years ago)

Dear Captain Dumbfuck,

How many times do I have to tell you: I left because you were so far into the can that you couldn't get it up. The customers that were waiting in line were up and at 'em. Do the math.

It's pathetic that you had to fake an email from me to make your friends think that you actually have a girlfriend. What we had was a business transaction, skip, and when I realized you were too soggy to fulfil your end of the bargain, I cut my losses and moved on.

Incidentally, in your fucked-up state you may have also neglected to notice that I'm a man. Those "thunder thighs" you noticed are actually the result of a lot of cycling...yes, I may blow miserable hipster assnecks to pay the bills--I'm studying to become a physicist, actually--but I do take care of myself. You should probably start, too.

Yours,
"Elizabeth"

ps. Social calendar? Don't make me laugh. I see you at the same bar every night, passed out under a table. Pathetic.

― "Elizabeth" (aka Bob) (SeanC), Sunday, 30 October 2005 16:28 (twenty years ago)

the sunglasses part is interesting. personally, i think elizabeth overplayed her part in trying to get them back, shes thrown her eggs all in one basket, with a bold move to throw brad on the back foot, and stun him into giving the sunglasses back before he has chance to regroup

but, brads response now has elizabeth pinned into her own half. clearly he feels, that by going out on the offensive, shes going to be pinned back and unable to mount a pincer attack on those shades.

but i think brad made one crucial mistake, and its easy to see that it is one of hubris. in copying in lots of people, and revealing the location of the sunglasses, he leaves himself open to elizabeth mounting an attack-by-proxy, using a sympathizer or ally, to retrieve the sunglasses next time they are round at brads

― terry lennox. (gareth), Sunday, 30 October 2005 17:02 (twenty years ago)

using a sympathizer or ally

But would Ally be happy being part of this?

― ailsa (ailsa), Sunday, 30 October 2005 17:19 (twenty years ago)

Elizabeth's sunglasses, yesterday:

http://i.gleeson.us/b2/0503/broken_heart_shades.jpg

― CharlieNo4 (Charlie), Sunday, 30 October 2005 17:24 (twenty years ago)

hstencil, this email's been making the rounds for some time, if your "friend at work's buddy" says he was bcc'd on the original 100, he is a liar. Or your friend at work's a liar.

― shookout (shookout), Sunday, 30 October 2005 22:16 (twenty years ago)

no one actually thought this was real, right?

― gear (gear), Sunday, 30 October 2005 22:22 (twenty years ago)

this reminds of that little fat child who thinks the super bowl is gay

― captin crunchheart (dr g), Sunday, 30 October 2005 23:19 (twenty years ago)

Brad is a dick.

― Theorry Henry (Enrique), Monday, 31 October 2005 11:10 (twenty years ago)

Playing along, like.

― Theorry Henry (Enrique), Monday, 31 October 2005 11:10 (twenty years ago)

elizabeth is the pathetic one.

― ken c (ken c), Monday, 31 October 2005 11:21 (twenty years ago)

why would you blow someone off but not fuck them?

― ken c (ken c), Monday, 31 October 2005 11:22 (twenty years ago)

maybe the towel dispenser couldn't hold her weight

― gem (trisk), Monday, 31 October 2005 11:25 (twenty years ago)

i've never met anyone named brad.

― Theorry Henry (Enrique), Monday, 31 October 2005 11:26 (twenty years ago)

xpost haha oh yeah not with those seal thighs!

― ken c (ken c), Monday, 31 October 2005 11:35 (twenty years ago)

alternatively maybe she only fucks when she's wearing her sunnies, and she accidentally left those at brad's place

― gem (trisk), Monday, 31 October 2005 11:38 (twenty years ago)

it's a bit implausible really. if elizabeth really had done this, i don't think she'd have been so contrite. and if this had happened to brad, he wouldn't want people to know about it.

― Theorry Henry (Enrique), Monday, 31 October 2005 11:41 (twenty years ago)

Brad should've finished after the first paragraph. Short and sharp.

― Ben Mott (Ben Mott), Monday, 31 October 2005 11:42 (twenty years ago)

Every time I read something like this it confirms that no one can be trusted.

The only time I cheated on a girl was when I found she’d cheated on me; so i cheated on her then dumped her. An eye for an eye etc

How faithful are you lot?

― not-goodwin (not-goodwin), Monday, 31 October 2005 11:51 (twenty years ago)

Ug.

http://weinish.blogspot.com/2005/10/this-ones-for-ladies.html
http://www.jasonmulgrew.com/content/blog.php

― Come Back Johnny B (Johnney B), Monday, 31 October 2005 11:56 (twenty years ago)

there's 'cheating on' which happens all the time -- but giving two blowjobs to guys in a bar while your boyf is there? this is unusual, i think.

― Theorry Henry (Enrique), Monday, 31 October 2005 11:56 (twenty years ago)

see, this is just fodder for bros to pass around and file under "bitches be dumb and cheatin" then high five each other.

― gear (gear), Monday, 31 October 2005 17:06 (twenty years ago)

my co-worker and i, we did not high five. we did chuckle, some.

― hstencil (hstencil), Monday, 31 October 2005 17:14 (twenty years ago)

was he the guy who finger blasted elizabeth on top of a towel dispenser last saturday?

― ken c (ken c), Monday, 31 October 2005 17:17 (twenty years ago)

no.

― hstencil (hstencil), Monday, 31 October 2005 17:31 (twenty years ago)

shame.

― ken c (ken c), Monday, 31 October 2005 17:34 (twenty years ago)

that's the good thing about being a guy :(

― ken c (ken c), Monday, 31 October 2005 17:34 (twenty years ago)

thank you for correcting my spelling, Momus

― emilys. (emilys.), Tuesday, 1 November 2005 01:24 (twenty years ago)

i was thinking of "immaculate"

― emilys. (emilys.), Tuesday, 1 November 2005 01:26 (twenty years ago)

That was a strong towel dispenser.

― Beth Parker (Beth Parker), Tuesday, 1 November 2005 02:48 (twenty years ago)


Since when do straight guys sign e-mails with, "talk to you never."

― mickey raft (mickeygraft), Tuesday, 1 November 2005 13:22 (twenty years ago)


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