The 2006 Australian Open (of tennis)

Venus v Justine and Serena v Maria...all in the FOURTH ROUND.

My read is you're spot-on re Hewitt. Nalbandian isn't in much better shape (esp around the digestive system area), and Saffles and Raffles are both missing in inaction this time (along with the Big AA, Forrest Gump and other lesser lights but still ILX favorites such as the Marakesh Express (Arazi) and Eunice Alan Hughie (phonetic representation of his real name, which I'm smart enough not to even try to spell)).

All of which makes a Federer victory even more of a no-brainer. Tommy Haas, on the comeback trail, might bite a couple of folk on the Tommy Haas before bowing out sometime early next week, and James 'Sexton' Blake now has a year back on the circuit and may be ready to make a big move.

Some crayon-crunchers are even daring to suggest the 'ladies' may be nearly as interesting and maybe on its good days less predictable than the gents. (Which of course is PCGM.) With Dokic, Hingis and JHH also returning to the fray, the 'comeback trail' might need a new lane or two, but only JHH is likely to still be in town come Thursday.

The number of possible men's champions is one. There are at least half a dozen more runners in the Ladies Stakes in 2006.

First seed down - The Diva! Scuffed by Schruff in two!

The home nation is also currently 0 for 1, Casey Dellacqua providing the most minor of obstacles between Big Linz and her sandwiches. Aussie Jelena, however, is currently a break and 4-3 up on La Razz.

"Aussie" Jelena has played very uninspiringly, but, just to shock, took advantage of an error-riddled Razzano service game before serving a decent one herself and gone up a break. Dani with one I looks secure, Rob The Slop through, damn it and fuck, I was kept awake by a loud party last night and my eyes are drooping, and I wonder why I was relieved about being in the right time zone once a year...

x-posts,

On Court 18, St. Angel is serving to down Vac-U-Vin.

Almost simultaneously, Aiiii has another first-round exit, this time at the hands of Conchita Martinez Granados, which is presumably like the Kwik-Save version of Conchita Martinez, given that they definitely appear to Not Be The Same Person.

Bandersnatch up a set on the high-lariously named (though I don't know why) Danai Udomchoke, and it's a good day to be a crabby Serbian or Montenegrin girl called Jelena, "Weird Jel" Jankovic pwning Craybas.

Martinez Granados is not the same as Martinez, indeed, even though gay marriage is A-OK in Spainland now. She's a no-mark veteran who's never advanced past round 1 in Melbourne.

Yer cult classic is Court 14, where Zippy Tzipi is coming back from losing the first set 6-1 to go 5-0 up in the second, Potito-style, presumably while Andrew Castle is tutting disapprovingly about a woman of her age wearing skirts that length. Or something.

i love it because i'm usually up 'til 3 or 4 a.m. U.S. Eastern time, so i can watch a lot of the matches live.

I don't know how you can complain about the coverage when JIM COURIER is behind the mic.

I'm still filthy that Stokes and his big-fish-small-pond mates blackballed John McEnroe for calling 7's prize import show a pile of crap two years ago.

Henman's a set up and a break down vs Tursunov.

Is Maria Elena Camerin in it this year? Big up my homegirl!!

A-Dick, as if to annoy me, winning tediously easily.

I can't even begin to pronounce her conqueror's name. Tszvetana Pironkova.

Nicole Pratt is the latest Australian to kiss the dirt, walloped by Mary Pierce whose career I called over about two Aus Opens ago. Batty Patty Schneider safely through to Thursday, Funky Cold Medina-Guriguez and the Japanese all-star duo of Boom Crash Sugiyama and Akiko Mpaperfolding all Tullamarine-bound.

(Mike Jones, where are you?)

Herrabbitty back level from two down v Oliver Marach of Austria. Donnidarko just kicking off v Hewitt's 2003 nemesis, Ivo Karlovic.

Neither Sun nor Mesmo seem to be able to hold their serve.

Stose well-placed, one more hold and she's through, Hewitt a break down in set 2, Donniedarko looking down the barrel v Karlovic and soon he'll have time to reflect on the 'mad world'.

I think they need to do something about the on-court shadows in the Clijsters game.

(Sorry, Ed O; pressures of work and time zones...)

Sutherland, Donaldson, LeeVan, NK Dons, NK Donaldson, Heifer, Heffer, Eric Heffer, etc.

I think we've established that there are no good nicknames for Roger Federer.

Baxter/Stoat won six games in a row to win the first 6-2, and Zheng was shaking her arse from side to side in the manner of a deflated Zina Garrison Jackson. They've just clinched the second in a tie-breaker, this set being notable for the fact that both Stosur and Raymond seem to have forgotten how to volley.

Predictions for the women's final? I will go out on a limb and say that Mauresmo won't choke - but unfortunately Henin-Hardenne is the superior player anyway. Head-to-head so far:

1999 US Open 128 Hard (O) A.MAURESMO 1-6 4-6
2003 Berlin SF Clay (O) J.HENIN-HARDENNE 7-6(6) 6-4
2003 WTA Tour Championships SF Hard (I) A.MAURESMO 6-7(2) 6-3 3-6
2004 Sydney FR Hard (O) J.HENIN-HARDENNE 6-4 6-4
2004 Amelia Island SF Clay (O) A.MAURESMO 7-6(4) 5-7 3-6
2004 Olympics-Athens FR Hard (O) J.HENIN-HARDENNE 6-3 6-3
2005 Canadian Open SF Hard (O) J.HENIN-HARDENNE 7-5 3-6 6-1

Henin to win in 3 sets (I think she'll win easily in two but maybe a last chance for Mauresmo will bring out something special from her) bcz I don't think we'll see much of a final in the men's - Nalbandian just had to choke! Hope he recovers from this even if it takes a while.

Congrats Rodge on winning through to another final, and Nick on maintaining a zero-daylight reading between his recquet and his anatomy through four sets.

Tucked up in bed, it occurred to me that I hadn't set the VCR, so I just set the bedside portable to go off after three hours thinking that I may well wake up in that time and see some of the action. I woke at 3:15am or so with Mauresmo 5-1 up...drifted off again and then woke to see JHH getting treatment...then there was something about a "blood virus" and I fell asleep. Woke up this morning not sure whether I'd witnessed Mauresmo win by default or whether I'd dreamt it.

(I did dream that I'd got a job in New York but it was in some isolated industrial park that might just have well have been on the outskirts of Harlow or Ebbsfleet for all its NYCness. Walking back to the subway station I passed some kids doing pretend martial arts fighting in cages. One of them was Markelby.)

I had no problems staying up (ok movie on, and then had a young Nick Cave screaming into my headphones for a while while watching the Go!team jumping around in my screen). But why oh why?! Glad Mauresmo won her slam but hopefully she'll win another one now, what with her SF and final opposition calling it early...anyone know whether that's ever happened before? I certainly can't remember a slam final not running to its completion.

Extraordinary stuff so far - Baghdatis up a set and very nearly a double-break, until Fedz steadied things. Hasbro could've wilted at 3-4 but hasn't and Roger's having to endure another tricky service game. Except not that tricky cos a wrong-footing crosscourt forehand has just put him 40-love. He misses a backhand down the line. He hits a service winner.

RF v MB 5-7 5-4*

RF v MB 5-7 7-5 3-0*

A net-clipped backhand pass takes MB to 15/0; two backhand errors undo that.

Blocked backhand return kisses the sideline and that's 6-0.

RF v MB 5-7 7-5 6-0 2-0 *30/30

3-0. Just unspeakably great retrieving from Federer now - the last point was ridiculous. Baggy getting treatment at the change of ends. Unfortunately, the guy can't help himself - he's spiking forehands into the corner but RF lurrves the angles and the pace. He needs a Plan B.

xpost

Hello, Julio! Baghdatis really hasn't done much wrong in this match, has he? His level now is only a notch or two below his tennis when within a point of 7-5 3-0. Glorious first point from RF AGAIN in the next game. Jeez.

But misses a makeable backhand to pressure an attacking Rodge and it's 15/30...vicious forehand winner from yr top seed...30/30

It's dawned on me who MB reminds of around the eyes - Marcelo Rios. Well, this is an infinitely superior effort in an Aussie final to the one Rios managed in '98. 0/30 - two points from the title.

Federer now level with...McEnroe (4US, 3Wimb), Wilander (3Fr, 3Aus, 1US), Newcombe (2Aus, 3Wimb, 2US), one behind Connors and Lendl.

Anyway, another awesome thread etc etc - see you all at Roland Garros.

It can't have been me - I was in Baghdad (semi-on topic) last night while asleep. Oddly, it was a short walk from Walthamstow.

Those who did slightly less well over the journey include Lleyts (whose ranking new in the teens tells all), Rodders, Nick the Tosser, Henners and Markipoo (the latter two showing how it is imposssible to have expectations so low they can't be disappointed), the Williamses and the Whiz Kid Trio of Murray, Monfils and 'Blown' Gasquet.

Dickhead of the Fortnight: The goose who SMS'ed that Federer beating (rattle off his list of opponents over the fortnight) proved nothing. What the hell did he need to prove, and to whom?

See you at Wimbledon!

Roll call: who doesn't love Roger Federer even slightly?