People Who Were Bullied At School: Move On or Dwell

Bullying where one person is picked out as scapegoat is a lot more common than you might think, and leaves much longer lasting damaged.

I mean, sure, perhaps this is something your colleague should address in therapy, rather in the office.

But just because you are able to repress your emotions doesn't mean that everyone should live in the same straitjacket.

Seconded

For example, right now, this discussion is triggering extreme RAGE and ANGER in me to the point where I actually want to beat your head to a bloody pulp for being so dismissive of other people's emotions and experiences. I'm serious, it makes my blood boil.

However, because I've had therapy, and I've talked about it, I realise that this anger is directed at my former bullies. And that it is very inappropriate to express this anger in your direction. So I control that rage, and try to argue with you rationally.

Otherwise I'd be screaming and shouting and flying off the handle.

I mean, honestly, what does it actually cost you, to passively listen to your colleague's complaints? Why don't YOU shut up and deal, instead of getting angry at her?

xpost

you need to own your own emotions here, run with it!

i hardly think the office is the best place for people to share their emotions. everybody has problems - some of them very serious. but airing them at work is not usually a good idea, for yourself or your colleagues. if they're really serious, don't be coming to work; be getting therapy first.

srsly tho, she's not upset, is the thing, more triumphalist and that's maybe what's really pissing me off, kind of the "I Left That Provincial Shithole" approach, and the "And Now They're All Sprogged-Up And Fat". the bullies at my school meantime are, like, doctors and civil servants.

(sorry.)

Yes, but isn't everyone at your school, like, doctors and civil servants?

If someone breaks their leg badly when they're young, and they're left with a limp, you don't go and say "oh, MOVE ON, get over it, that broken leg was years ago, walk properly, you milksop!"

once you've figured out that your rage is NOT non-specific but relates to actual people and events, using a constructive medium to express it then you're learning to flex, control and direct it.

i used music (no, not awful emo lyrics before you ask) and it worked for me. it certainly hasn't made my tunes any more 'palatable' but i'm mainly a happier chap for it.

i used to engage in all sorts of random misdirected passive aggression and histrionic nonsense - now i just reserve it for the people that deserve it :)

-- john clarkson (jcclarkso...), January 31st, 2006.

otm!

(xxx-post)

-- Ian Riese-Moraine: a casualty of social estrangement. (eastern_mantr...), August 16th, 2005

"Nuvvieworld"? WTF.

Do we know what Graham's up to these days?

i don't remember ever beating anyone else up, maybe that'd be a separate thread

(xp) You put him where he is today

I've never beaten anyone up either. I have ragged, inconclusive and embarrassing brawls with people but that's about it.

I've had not I have... not in a while

This thread turned great now that the troll isn't the focus. One thing I don't think has been touched on yet (I admit I've been zooming through the thread too fast) is what happens when 1) you successfully managed to purge a big chunk of old, old pain and 2) then feel a big gap in yourself where that pain used to be, like a socket that used to have a bad tooth in it. I mean, just because that pain's gone, why hasn't joy rushed in to fill the space? I feel like I managed to unload a lot of misery in a short timeframe a few years ago (ILX's role in that is verrrry interesting), but I've been dealing with a flat affectless gap in my emotions since then. #postfactoryfarmingfirstworldproblems

Don't know if that should have gone on the other thread or not.

The way I think of it is that the pain has 'gone' - although I certainly won't forget about it - and I'm free to do something else in that space it previously occupied. Exactly what I'll do is undetermined, but it's my choice.

nah, it's an interesting point. I think seeing your history as a 3rd person can be kind of fascinating, and v. liberating.

that was xp to wmc, btw

insulting other kids using words they didn't understand

Ha ha, I did this ALL the time in primary school, I was a rapid early reader, and knew a lot of words sometimes even *I* didnt really understand, just knew were bad. Like the time I looked askance at a kid called V1cky H0r3 and said "well your surname suits you". WTF, me. I was NINE.

I suspect my experience is the same as many people.

I got bullied a bit, and I was involved in the bullying of others.

Why was I bullied? I dunno, sometimes it may have been because I was seeking to join a social grouping and I wasn't wanted. Maybe I was behaving in ways that my peers didn't like. Maybe they were just nasty bastards.

I stopped being bullied around 15. I suspect either because I suddenly became quite tall and broad, or my annoying behaviours mostly stopped. Maybe the others around me had grown up a bit as well.

These days, I don't remember it much. It seems to have little impact on me. When I sometimes meet the people who bullied me as a child in the adult world, they seem awfully nice and friendly.

As to why I bullied others? Often I was going along with the group and was probably too young to understand the consequences of my actions. Maybe I was grateful that I wasn't being bullied. On one specific occasion, I persuaded my friends to join in bullying a kid out of pure revenge for something very nasty that this kid had earlier done to me.

I think that bullying in the adult world is unacceptable, but that bullying in the child's world is probably going to be present in the life of most kids. Aggression is wired into our brains to some extent, and as kids, we are yet to learn how to properly control it. We're still learning how to socialise with others, and its a potent cocktail, when mixed with aggression.

Bullying to some degree will be inevitable. Hence my "deal with it" push.

how many of you were bullies?

And how many of you are accurate historians when it comes to your own faults?

I was far from being a bully. My dad loathed bullies of any stripe and had a lifelong reputation of standing up to them with all the energy that righteous anger can supply.

When we visited his tiny hometown in northern Wisconsin when I was a kid, the old timers all remembered his schoolyard fights with a particular bully called Macky Bacon. Apparently Macky was older, bigger and heavier, and loved to pick fights with smaller kids, but my dad put some real hurt on him and ended his bully career.

thenceforth he was presumably known as yellow streaky bacon

And how many of you are accurate historians when it comes to your own faults?

Well then, I guess I deserved to have my head bashed against a wall and my cat kidnapped and (almost) tortured. After all, I did keep to myself a little too much, and I did act a little on the odd side, so what else should I have expected?

I...dont think that's what LL was saying, I think they were asking, are some people less than honest about the shining-knightness of their own pasts? Remy was good enough to fess up and say he realised he was also unpleasant to other ppl and didnt realise it. I imagine I was the same - I was never a physical bully (ha! too small, too meek), but I certainly had a nasty mouth on me and I'm p sure I was unkind to a couple of ppl in my time.

Actually Im *positive* I am - I am ashamed to admit I badgered a guy in high school who irritated me, and culminated that in calling him a "poof". He quite rightly whacked me across the face.

And how many of you are accurate historians when it comes to your own faults?

You're new to ILX, right?

One thing I haven't noticed anyone saying is that it sounds like what damages people for years afterward isn't necessary the amt of bullying, but the amt it is GREATER than what's endured by others around them. Like, if everyone got in fights and wrestled other kids over dumb insults on the reg, it doesn't seem to bother those people later. But to be singled out and subject to a campaign of harassment over time can be excruciating even if there's no physical harm at all.

^^ and also perhaps how alone one feels in the face of it - to be bullied and not have a refuge, or to be bullied in what had been your refuge, might leave more lasting damage and fear and worry.

I'm pretty accurate with my recollections. All kids are little shits now and then and yeah, I was probably a little overzealous with my academic achievements in elementary school, but really I was targeted specifically for my physical awkwardness and nerdiness.

I don't dwell on it anymore, in fact I barely think of my existence prior to age 21 much at all, but the main takeaway I took from the bullying was that I assumed for years that anybody who was friendly to me was just taking the piss and that the moment I confided in them, they'd pull out the "gotcha" moment and let me know they were just kidding to make fun of me all along. That paranoia lasted until age 26.

C#M: Yes yes yes.

Also, the stress of the decision over whether to tell anyone, and if you decide not to, the stress of concealing it for as long as possible. For me, motivated by a horror of my parents finding out I didn't have any friends (embarrassment/shame).

then there was my mom (not to make her sound bad, she was and is a great parent) who seemed to utter disappointment when I did things that she thought would lead to me getting teased, because it presumably reflected badly on her.

the main takeaway I took from the bullying was that I assumed for years that anybody who was friendly to me was just taking the piss and that the moment I confided in them, they'd pull out the "gotcha" moment and let me know they were just kidding to make fun of me all along

god, i don't think i'll ever be out of that one.

i don't even think it happened to me that much! but it's a seductive paranoia and it sticks with you.

One of the major takeaways that I got from the bullying was that I tended to panic whenever I saw a kid smile in a certain way. And that didn't go away until about ten years or so ago.

I wish someone in ILE would admit to being a little shit who kicked the asses of nerds and fags.

honestly I mostly got past it during 2008 which was one of the best years of my life and one where I kind of left some of the old shit behind. but I still have a lot of old paranoia that still lurks dormant.

i would have if I could have xpost

the main takeaway I took from the bullying was that I assumed for years that anybody who was friendly to me was just taking the piss and that the moment I confided in them, they'd pull out the "gotcha" moment and let me know they were just kidding to make fun of me all along

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v296/WilliamCrump63/goddamnhs.jpg

I wish someone in ILE would admit to being a little shit who kicked the asses of nerds and fags.

LL pretty much did admit that, IMHO.

whoa whoa what?

Lol not u

Lava lamp.

tbh I don't know if most of my mental deficiencies came from bullying or the fact that I obtained a lot of traits from my mother, who is similarly fragile minded.

or that I ate too much playdoh at age 4

it was really goddamn tasty though

was gonna say, i have only kicked the asses of worms and slugs -- no people (or mammals, reptiles, marsupials, birds, etc)

Sorry for the confusion, Amanda. *hugs*

situation resolved
i'm outta here

returning to the moment I confided in them, they'd pull out the "gotcha" moment and let me know they were just kidding to make fun of me all along--

Later in my teenage years i started to suspect that my paranoid fear of people using my confidences against me was also a fantasy of being important. The really scary fear was the idea that i was so beyond caring about that i wasn't even worth humiliating.

and idk, that kind of super circular painful thinking that i tortured myself with - maybe some of that was a result of bullying but it was also just... me? It was the shape that my adolescent craziness took. I don't know that any other person ever bullied me as much as i bullied myself. Which I guess brings me to a variant on Hurting's "objective analysis" upthread. I could take from this the moral of "i am the worst even to myself; i can't blame other people for my adolescent hurt so i must blame myself: basically everything is my fault". Or I can think: well, a lot more of my life is within my power than i thought. It's what I understand of my experiences that makes them real and meaningful - I can use them to hurt myself, and I can also not.

I still battle feelings of "people are taking the piss out of me" all the time, but I try not to let it rule me. I have a gullible/honest streak though, and people have very often taken advantage of it, much to my constant irritation.

lava lamp otm, we need to get to the bottom of the erstwhile agriworker/pederasty/sociology complex

I gotPermalink

in the beginning of elementary and high-school, mostly because I had to change schools a lot and was always the new kid. I usually won fights except for the one against Br*** ****ll (who was actually a friend, still kind of is - we were sparring after school and he dislocated my jaw with one kick, I did not NOT expect that whiteboy's Aikido claims were real, but holy shit they were). Usually I just took it until I gradually befriended them, then schemed and backstabbed like hell until everyone turned on them. That's pretty much been my adult life as well.
― LeCoq (LeCoq), Tuesday, 31 January 2006 12:57 (10 years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

That's nice.
― Tuomas (Tuomas), Tuesday, 31 January 2006 12:58 (10 years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

It really is! Especially when you start hearing once-disrespectful fools' conversational confidence start crumbling even on the phone. There are about three people I know at this point whose careers deserve to end and I probably could end if it wasn't for my Mom being a good Mom or that bleeding hearted mutual friend who still sticks up for the maggot in question.
― LeCoq (LeCoq), Tuesday, 31 January 2006 13:17 (10 years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Is this what bullying does to people?
― Tuomas (Tuomas), Tuesday, 31 January 2006 13:20 (10 years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

whatever keeps me out of nuvvieworld homie
― LeCoq (LeCoq), Tuesday, 31 January 2006 13:26 (10 years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

???
― Tuomas (Tuomas), Tuesday, 31 January 2006 13:26 (10 years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

DUDE YOU LIVE TEN MINUTES AWAY FROM IT act like you know
― LeCoq (LeCoq), Tuesday, 31 January 2006 13:28 (10 years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Now you've really lost me.
― Tuomas (Tuomas), Tuesday, 31 January 2006 13:29 (10 years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

I was crushing on old-school Hillary Clinton (in her Twenties) -- probably because she resembles my supremely attractive friend Erin (who, despite liking me, is with someone else right now and so she's horribly unattainable). Goodness gracious, I'm an absolute sucker for blondes these days. But after dropping by a bookstore yesterday where my long-time friend Molly (who is not a blonde, mind you) works -- oh goodness, she's always stunning but yesterday I really wanted to pounce on her because she looked so exceptionally scrumptious (without even trying!) and was just so bubbly and charming. I wanted to playfully tackle her behind the counter and from there on it would've been wonderfully inappropriate! Anyhow, she's invited me along to dinner and some other event with a group of her friends on Friday -- it's not a date essentially, but at heart I wouldn't mind if it twisted into one. Ooh, I just remembered that she complimented my appearance! No-one ever does that! Squee! Cuddlestein Mountain! Nuvvieworld! Okay, I'm just getting ridiculous -- I'm just excited because it's a prospect to escape social poverty with a possible hint of romance. I'm probably being too optimistic; I can't help it! I've wanted something to look forward to!
-- Ian Riese-Moraine: a casualty of social estrangement. (eastern_mantr...), August 16th, 2005

― The Man Without Shadow (Enrique), Tuesday, 31 January 2006 13:30 (10 years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

I still don't know what Nuvvieworld is, but if it's a place where you don't call other people maggots and take pleasure in crushing them, I'm glad I live ten minutes from it.
― Tuomas (Tuomas), Tuesday, 31 January 2006 13:33 (10 years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Such a classic run

^ √

all the ppl i know who are most unhappy as adults had miserable periods of abuse growing up, even though none of them really talk about it.

i like that ilx preserves these already dated discussions, it has the same softening and humbling sense of context you get from living amongst old buildings

one person I went to school with was bullied and bully at times, some of it racial some of if it personalised abuse. He's currently doing life as Ireland's most notorious serial Killer, and I deffo don't want a conversation with him about it! I have this nightmare vision of him walking up my path one day and trying talk like it is still '89 and I'm just paralysed by fear, so i invite him in.