In every war movie ever

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1. if you mention your plans for after the war = you won't make it to last reel.

2. http://z.about.com/d/usmilitary/1/0/G/c/bb17.jpg

Dale Dye in some minor speaking role, usually as a commissioned officer.

3. stern shouty drill sergeant(pre-R. Lee Ermey) (even in a Woody Allen movie)
3a. stern shouty drill sergeant wanting to be R. Lee Ermey (post-R. Lee Ermey)

― kingfish prætor (kingfish 2.0), Friday, 20 October 2006 17:24 (nineteen years ago)

4. Well-meaning, but slow guy from the midwest who stumbles his way through basic training, can't really maintain gun, etc. who performs some insanely heroic (but fatal) act in the climatic battle.

― Elvis Telecom (Chris Barrus), Friday, 20 October 2006 17:28 (nineteen years ago)

5. Adversaries who see each other across the battlefield/through cockpit window, salute each other, and then fight to the death.

― Elvis Telecom (Chris Barrus), Friday, 20 October 2006 17:29 (nineteen years ago)

6. A battleship gets sunk

― Orgy of Pragmatism (Charles McCain), Friday, 20 October 2006 17:31 (nineteen years ago)

7. population variations demonstrated by hilariously over-emphasizing/stereotyping regional accent/lifestyle (e.g. rural hayseed is REALLY rural, NYC italian guys really italian, etc)

8. (not-so)surprising absense of non-white people

― kingfish prætor (kingfish 2.0), Friday, 20 October 2006 17:32 (nineteen years ago)

Guest cameo appearance by old, overpaid and pompous British actor as WINSTON CHURCHILL!!!! (Makeup jobs of varying quality.)

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Friday, 20 October 2006 17:33 (nineteen years ago)

10. Conflict between national ideology and the grunts was personified by the one guy that no one likes. (e.g. the Nazi propaganda officer in Das Boot, the Soviet ideology guy in Hunt For Red October)

― Elvis Telecom (Chris Barrus), Friday, 20 October 2006 17:34 (nineteen years ago)

11. noble german officers offsetting the evil nazis (NAGAE: not all germans are evil)

― gear (gear), Friday, 20 October 2006 17:35 (nineteen years ago)

12. uber violent battle scene with jittery camera. a supporting character gets thrown about in an explosion and as the smoke clears, sees that his own leg/arm has been blown off. but he's surprisingly calm about it and just asks for a smoke.

― gear (gear), Friday, 20 October 2006 17:37 (nineteen years ago)

13. "It's not so bad, kid, you'll be alright" said by grizzled sergeant to obviously fatally wounded youngster

― got yourself a fish biscuit! (nickalicious), Friday, 20 October 2006 17:37 (nineteen years ago)

14. one evil or incompetent commanding officer, one decent and skilled commanding officer

― gear (gear), Friday, 20 October 2006 17:38 (nineteen years ago)

15. Someone nicknamed "Brooklyn."

― shookout (shookout), Friday, 20 October 2006 17:38 (nineteen years ago)

15. guy with compelling nickname takes off head-first into suicide mission, all his buddies yelling "NOOOO!" in slow-mo

― got yourself a fish biscuit! (nickalicious), Friday, 20 October 2006 17:38 (nineteen years ago)

17. It's really about saving the guy next to you.

― Chris L (Chris L), Friday, 20 October 2006 17:39 (nineteen years ago)

18. a macho soldier who's been jonesing for action finally kills someone in battle and breaks down because he can't handle it

― gear (gear), Friday, 20 October 2006 17:39 (nineteen years ago)

19. Each regiment has a fat guy.

― Orgy of Pragmatism (Charles McCain), Friday, 20 October 2006 17:40 (nineteen years ago)

19. our protagonists take some R&R, hilarity involving prostitutes and fist-pumping late 60s rock anthem ensues

― got yourself a fish biscuit! (nickalicious), Friday, 20 October 2006 17:40 (nineteen years ago)

20. Liberal/Intellectual soldier tries desperately to hold on to ideals, fails to stop massive gang rape.

― Chris L (Chris L), Friday, 20 October 2006 17:40 (nineteen years ago)

21. Soldier in #20 wears glasses.

― Orgy of Pragmatism (Charles McCain), Friday, 20 October 2006 17:41 (nineteen years ago)

23. one soldier is a writer and his scribblings provide the voiceover

― gear (gear), Friday, 20 October 2006 17:42 (nineteen years ago)

24. world war ii or vietnam

― a.b. (alanbanana), Friday, 20 October 2006 17:42 (nineteen years ago)

25. "Mail Call!"

― Orgy of Pragmatism (Charles McCain), Friday, 20 October 2006 17:43 (nineteen years ago)

25. poignant recollection of girl back home

26. sexy but no-nonsense nurse

― Mark Co (Markco), Friday, 20 October 2006 17:43 (nineteen years ago)

27. Ego-enabled upper-class soldier with blueblood background who wants to win medals.

― Elvis Telecom (Chris Barrus), Friday, 20 October 2006 17:44 (nineteen years ago)

29. the first one to die is a minor character who had one line previous to his demise

― gear (gear), Friday, 20 October 2006 17:45 (nineteen years ago)

30. Attractive partisan/resistance woman who conceals time bomb/sabotage device in the basket of her bicycle.

― Elvis Telecom (Chris Barrus), Friday, 20 October 2006 17:45 (nineteen years ago)

31. Soldier finds out that hometown sweetheart has dumped him for some asshole who got out of the war by claiming he had a sore elbow or something.

― Chris L (Chris L), Friday, 20 October 2006 17:46 (nineteen years ago)

32. slo mo shot of someone falling to there knees and going "Noooooo!!!"

― Mark Co (Markco), Friday, 20 October 2006 17:47 (nineteen years ago)

32. young but cynical wisecracking medic/radio operator/rear gunner

― Shakey Mo Collier (Shakey Mo Collier), Friday, 20 October 2006 17:47 (nineteen years ago)

33. That one guy who's deliberately trying to get a discharge

― Orgy of Pragmatism (Charles McCain), Friday, 20 October 2006 17:48 (nineteen years ago)

for #21, plz see THE BEAST

― roc u like a § (ex machina), Friday, 20 October 2006 17:49 (nineteen years ago)

34. Submarine dives below advertised crush depth to avoid depth charges. Crew exchange nervous glances as sub makes creaking noises.

35. Crew of escaping submarine remains successfully quiet until someone drops a wrench/fork/whathaveyou.

― Elvis Telecom (Chris Barrus), Friday, 20 October 2006 17:49 (nineteen years ago)

36. grunt passes out wounded thinking he's done for, wakes up in rescue chopper/hospital

― got yourself a fish biscuit! (nickalicious), Friday, 20 October 2006 17:50 (nineteen years ago)

37. tentative alliance between protagonist and enemy soldier attempting to brave the elements

― got yourself a fish biscuit! (nickalicious), Friday, 20 October 2006 17:50 (nineteen years ago)

37b. neither knows the other's language, so they communicate mostly in gestures

― got yourself a fish biscuit! (nickalicious), Friday, 20 October 2006 17:51 (nineteen years ago)

both ww2

37. air-fight movies: repeated shots of the three remaining ww2 aircraft available -- but flipped over to fool you

38. ground-fight movies: ahistoric use of cold-war era tanks

― benrique (Enrique), Friday, 20 October 2006 17:51 (nineteen years ago)

39a. Thoughtful commanding officer who ponders silently just before making speech prior to invasion/impending battle.

39b. Blood-and-guts commanding officer who if he isn't Patton, talks just like him.

― Elvis Telecom (Chris Barrus), Friday, 20 October 2006 17:53 (nineteen years ago)

37c. bonding over music/food

― roc u like a § (ex machina), Friday, 20 October 2006 17:53 (nineteen years ago)

37d. or alcohol

― Orgy of Pragmatism (Charles McCain), Friday, 20 October 2006 17:54 (nineteen years ago)

37e. or cigarettes

― Orgy of Pragmatism (Charles McCain), Friday, 20 October 2006 17:54 (nineteen years ago)

40. If there are scenes set in a war room where model representations of platoons/carrier groups/flight squadrons are being pushed around on top of a map, after the battle is over the commanding officer will pick up the last remaining model of the defeated enemy, glance at it thoughtfully, and then put it in his pocket.

― Elvis Telecom (Chris Barrus), Friday, 20 October 2006 17:57 (nineteen years ago)

41. Big Maps of Enemy Territory!

― Orgy of Pragmatism (Charles McCain), Friday, 20 October 2006 17:58 (nineteen years ago)

42 moment when soldiers realise that enemy = snivelling young boys like them

43 comedy hijinks re VD education/inspection

― Mark Co (Markco), Friday, 20 October 2006 17:59 (nineteen years ago)

43b. DELOUSING!

― roc u like a § (ex machina), Friday, 20 October 2006 18:00 (nineteen years ago)

44. Defeat snatched from the jaws of victory: On the relaxed trip home after successfully carrying out their mission, our heroes discover that a stray gunshot perforated their fuel tank/radio antenna/tank track/etc.

― Elvis Telecom (Chris Barrus), Friday, 20 October 2006 18:00 (nineteen years ago)

37c. bonding over music/food
-- roc u like a § (jo...), October 20th, 2006. (later)
37d. or alcohol
-- Orgy of Pragmatism (deanmartinlive...), October 20th, 2006. (later)
37e. or cigarettes
-- Orgy of Pragmatism (deanmartinlive...), October 20th, 2006. (later)

NoizeWar.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Friday, 20 October 2006 18:01 (nineteen years ago)

45. The flag survives...even though half the platoon didn't.

― Orgy of Pragmatism (Charles McCain), Friday, 20 October 2006 18:03 (nineteen years ago)

40-something: (expansion of #11) nobility of certain enemy officers lamenting "this stupid/pointless war," usually has them doing the right thing and disobeying orders for a second/pretending not to see hurt heroes, etc. See Ron O'neal(R.I.P.) in Red Dawn.

― kingfish prætor (kingfish 2.0), Friday, 20 October 2006 18:03 (nineteen years ago)

46. Creepy military intelligence/spy guy that no one likes who needs to be smuggled into/out of enemy territory. Grunts question worth of mission, which inevitably results in "this information could win the war for us" line.

― Elvis Telecom (Chris Barrus), Friday, 20 October 2006 18:03 (nineteen years ago)

47. Eating rations out of a can; complaining.

48. Platoon sitting in a truck/boat/helicopter heading into battle. Everyone is silent.

― Super Cub (Debito), Friday, 20 October 2006 18:07 (nineteen years ago)

Skipping 15 messages at this point... Click here if you want to load them all.

59. (If French) Saucy, earthy Parisian guzzles wine and talks about sex incessantly, to the despair of his aristocratic commander.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Friday, 20 October 2006 18:19 (nineteen years ago)

60. (If British) Entire UK army divided between toffs who attended Eton and "cheer up it may never happen!" Cockneys. Occasional Scot given a speaking role for 'color.'

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Friday, 20 October 2006 18:21 (nineteen years ago)

61. hero at beginning of film always clear-eyed, fresh-faced. May have lied about age to enlist.

― kingfish prætor (kingfish 2.0), Friday, 20 October 2006 18:22 (nineteen years ago)

62. basic training sequence/montage

― kingfish prætor (kingfish 2.0), Friday, 20 October 2006 18:24 (nineteen years ago)

61. Offbeat Scandinavian/Polish/Australian guy that no one takes seriously who turns out to be 100x as combat effective as the US/UK guys. Superior ability attributed to hunting bear in Siberian winter, chasing kangaroos in outback, etc.

― Elvis Telecom (Chris Barrus), Friday, 20 October 2006 18:24 (nineteen years ago)

63. That one guy who it seems to everyone can't be killed.

― Chris L (Chris L), Friday, 20 October 2006 18:24 (nineteen years ago)

65. Fresh-faced privates depart for war just as grizzled, hollow-eyed veterans return. Each side looks into the eyes of the other.

― Elvis Telecom (Chris Barrus), Friday, 20 October 2006 18:25 (nineteen years ago)

64. Soldier in 20/21 is Jewish, particularly in WWII western-front film

65. Earnest, sensitive soldier gets letter from girl back home, fun-loving nearby soldier buddies whoop it up / snatch pictures away / make jokes (even in future, per Verhoeven)

66. Obstacle course with prominent rope net

― nabisco (nabisco), Friday, 20 October 2006 18:26 (nineteen years ago)

67. (Submarine specific) As duration of mission/deployment lengthens, the crew grow beards and stop wearing complete uniforms (with the exception of fastidious ideologue guy from #10 above)

― Elvis Telecom (Chris Barrus), Friday, 20 October 2006 18:29 (nineteen years ago)

67. Member of troop plays instrument (harmonica, space-violin if Verhoeven, etc.) to entertain/annoy/console others

― Shakey Mo Collier (Shakey Mo Collier), Friday, 20 October 2006 18:30 (nineteen years ago)

69. (Further submarine specific) Commander insists "Take her down!" even though he is wounded and stranded on the outside of the boat, and thus meets his fate. Ronald Reagan then says something vaguely profound two minutes later.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Friday, 20 October 2006 18:32 (nineteen years ago)

70. Bitter recognition that no one back home will ever understand what it was like.

71. USO show dissolves into rowdy chaos upon arrival of busty pin-up girl, who is soon escorted to safety.

― Chris L (Chris L), Friday, 20 October 2006 18:32 (nineteen years ago)

72. (WW2 specific) Post-combat soldiers take it easy, whoop it up and relax until they encounter evidence of atrocity: concentration camps, civilian massacre, pit full of bodies.

― Elvis Telecom (Chris Barrus), Friday, 20 October 2006 18:33 (nineteen years ago)

73. in german pov films, all the german soldiers die (subtext: for the sins of the nazis)

― gear (gear), Friday, 20 October 2006 18:35 (nineteen years ago)

74. Drill seargent makes everyone due 900 push-ups in the pouring rain because one guy didn't make his bed properly.

― Chris L (Chris L), Friday, 20 October 2006 18:36 (nineteen years ago)

75. Intelligence agent/escaped POW speaks enemy language fluently but is caught when someone speaks to him in English and he replies in English.

― Elvis Telecom (Chris Barrus), Friday, 20 October 2006 18:37 (nineteen years ago)

76. Vets meet years later wearing bad 70's fashions, regardless of decade.

― Chris L (Chris L), Friday, 20 October 2006 18:39 (nineteen years ago)

77. german officer always of regal, aristocratic background(even if evil)

― kingfish prætor (kingfish 2.0), Friday, 20 October 2006 18:41 (nineteen years ago)

(yikes, #74 - "due" should be "do," obv.

― Chris L (Chris L), Friday, 20 October 2006 18:43 (nineteen years ago)

78. (WWI era) Someone states that disease/trench conditions will kill them off faster than the enemy will.

― Elvis Telecom (Chris Barrus), Friday, 20 October 2006 18:52 (nineteen years ago)

79. morphine

― jim wentworth (wench), Saturday, 21 October 2006 03:30 (nineteen years ago)

I'm disappointed that this thread isn't as funny as the cop show one.

― kingfish prætor (kingfish 2.0), Saturday, 21 October 2006 03:36 (nineteen years ago)

War is hell

― Elvis Telecom (Chris Barrus), Saturday, 21 October 2006 07:39 (nineteen years ago)

80. Cock bitten off by female prisoner of war.

― James Herbert Dip (noodle vague), Saturday, 21 October 2006 07:47 (nineteen years ago)

81. Really shitty weather

― === temporary username === (Mark C), Saturday, 21 October 2006 09:42 (nineteen years ago)

82. "YOURE NOT DYING I WILL NOT LET YOU DIE!!!"
"let em go sam"
blood all coughing out of mouth

― jhoshea megafauna (scoopsnoodle), Saturday, 21 October 2006 15:48 (nineteen years ago)

83. fiesty resistance fighter chick, feigns initial disinterest in leading man, but beneath that frosty exterior beats the heart of a woman.

in final battle, dies in his arms in extended croak scene.

― beeble (beeble), Saturday, 21 October 2006 16:01 (nineteen years ago)

84. chick must die with eyes open, trickle of blood from mouth to denote death. hero gently closes her eyes, relunctantly lets lifeless body go. eyes narrow, 'damn this beastly war', picks up sten gun, resolved stiffened to defeat The Hun.

― beeble (beeble), Saturday, 21 October 2006 16:17 (nineteen years ago)

85. Wounded soldier taken down by friendly fire --- usually by best friend -- to prevent him from falling into enemy hands.

"No telling what they would have done..."

― If you fuck with Jimmy Mod, you call down the thunder (The Famous Jimmy Mod), Saturday, 21 October 2006 17:41 (nineteen years ago)

86. At least one guy is reunited with his girl at the end, so they can get married.

― Orgy of Pragmatism (Charles McCain), Saturday, 21 October 2006 17:57 (nineteen years ago)

87. Another guy will fall in love with a native and marry her or at least get engaged.

― Orgy of Pragmatism (Charles McCain), Saturday, 21 October 2006 17:58 (nineteen years ago)

88. At some point, you will have to get rid of a grenade that's missing its pin.

― Orgy of Pragmatism (Charles McCain), Saturday, 21 October 2006 18:10 (nineteen years ago)

89. guys mentally rehearse love letters to their wives while getting blowjobs from USO hookers

― martha gives letterman the 'lick' (Jody Beth Rosen), Saturday, 21 October 2006 18:11 (nineteen years ago)

[Submarine Specific] Part of sub is compromised and is taking on water; decision must be made to close the hatch, trapping several buddies inside and ensuring their deaths; someone yelling "CLOSE IT OR WE'RE DEAD TOO!"; music swells profoundly as we see the water rising against the window.

― franny (frannyglass), Saturday, 21 October 2006 18:52 (nineteen years ago)

91. A dressdown that begins with "Now see here mister..."

― jim wentworth (wench), Sunday, 22 October 2006 04:04 (nineteen years ago)

92. Scene of long-haired dudes driving around in Mustang listening to "Low Rider."

― n/a (Nick A.), Sunday, 22 October 2006 13:04 (nineteen years ago)

93. Despite being otherwise shitty and muddy, every soldier has perfect white teeth, even if the movie takes place years before proper dental care became common, and the soldiers probably haven't seen a toothbrush for two years (see Private Ryan, for example).

94. [Especially in WWII films:] No gay relationships at all, even though in real life they were common as hell.

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Sunday, 22 October 2006 18:14 (nineteen years ago)

95. (North Africa/Arabia/desert) Patrol squad encounters sand blown wreckage of tank/truck/jeep with dead soldiers scattered about. Vultures feed on bodies. If the bodies are friendlies one of the squad will shoot a gun in the air, holler, and shoo the vultures away.

― Elvis Telecom (Chris Barrus), Monday, 23 October 2006 05:23 (nineteen years ago)

96. guys take an oddly timed break in action to expound upon either:

1) virtures of buying war bonds* where you work or bank
2) how much/why they love their particular cigarette brand so

(*originally typed "war bongs")

― kingfish prætor (kingfish 2.0), Monday, 23 October 2006 05:31 (nineteen years ago)

five years pass...

An NRO poll on best war film ever. Nothing non-English, 13,000+ votes cast:

1. Patton -- 28%
2. Saving Private Ryan -- 20%
3. Bridge on the River Kwai -- 11%
4. Gettysburg -- 6%
5. The Great Escape -- 5%
5. All Quiet on the Western Front -- 5%
7. Apocalypse Now -- 4%
8. The Dirty Dozen -- 3%
9. Paths of Glory -- 2%
10. Hurt Locker 1%

(Other -- 17%)

I voted Paths of Glory, would have gone with Casualties of War if it'd been there.

― clemenza, Saturday, 12 November 2011 18:20 (fourteen years ago)

No Come and See, no credibility.

― der dukatenscheisser (Sanpaku), Saturday, 12 November 2011 19:03 (fourteen years ago)

If it's a sargeant talking to his squad, then it's "smoke 'em, if you got 'em". If it's a lieutnant speaking, then it's the more genteel, "gentlemen, the smoking lamp is lit".

― Aimless, Saturday, 12 November 2011 19:12 (fourteen years ago)

I assume the 5% voting for a pacifist work like Erich Maria Remarque's (via Lewis Milestone) are lib lurkers on the NatReviewOnline.

(or we can just accept Anthony Swofford's diagnosis that there is no such thing as an antiwar film)

― Dr Morbois de Bologne (Dr Morbius), Saturday, 12 November 2011 19:49 (fourteen years ago)

I was trying to identify a pro-war/anti-war split--pretty stark at #1 and #9/10--but found it somewhat muddled between.

― clemenza, Saturday, 12 November 2011 19:54 (fourteen years ago)

I also suspect Nixon is casting votes from beyond the grave.

― clemenza, Saturday, 12 November 2011 19:54 (fourteen years ago)

http://images3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20070219184803/wikiality/images/c/c3/Futurama-203-nixon.jpg

― The Man With The Flavored Toothpick (C. Grisso/McCain), Saturday, 12 November 2011 19:57 (fourteen years ago)

Not familiar with the Swofford analysis, but I think you'd have a hard time interpreting Paths of Glory as anything but unequivocally anti-war. I'm sure there are others (Coming Home?), and when you open it up to documentaries, there are lots. Probably most American anti-war films deal with Vietnam, though, which blurs the line--were they anti-war, or just anti-that-war?

― clemenza, Saturday, 12 November 2011 20:47 (fourteen years ago)

Gettysburg?

― encarta it (Gukbe), Saturday, 12 November 2011 21:34 (fourteen years ago)

basically Swofford's argument is that any film showing battle gives young men a hard-on for combat

― Dr Morbois de Bologne (Dr Morbius), Sunday, 13 November 2011 07:41 (fourteen years ago)

five years pass...

97. Variant of #13: Seasoned vet has fatal injury. Other seasoned vet doesn't bullshit him: they share a smoke and doomed man offers dispassionate commentary, maybe even a grim (but not maudlin) joke.

97a. Or: Second season vet makes half-hearted attempt to cushion the blow. Doomed man waves it off, knowing better.

98. Living man places lit cigarette in mouth of dying man; he gets one really satisfying puff, but is dead before he can finish the whole thing.

― long dark poptart of the rodeo (Doctor Casino), Thursday, 20 April 2017 02:04 (nine years ago)

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