is there an etiquette for apologising to co workers?

Message Bookmarked

Bookmark Removed

this is a bit of a 'dear aunty ilx' post but reason i ask is that after all the long distance driving i did over the last two weeks (i made a previous post about it), me and my co worker who was my constant road companion arent really talking to each other anymore. i mean, were still being civil, and when she wants a bit of advice with work, shes still asking me and im still helping her out, but i dont really want to talk to her and i *think*, vice versa. i know when youre with the same person all the time, you get a bit on each others nerves, and youre bound to exchange insults here and there (or quite frequently in this case) but basically, it all went a bit awry when i said she was quite obv being a bit of a cocktease to some one else on the tour, which she WAS (whether on purpose or not), but anyway, she didnt like me saying it, which was the result i wanted at the time, but we havent really spoken properly since... i have been meaning to apologise, just for the sake of clearing the air, and id rather there wasnt bad blood but i dont see why i should when she never apologised to me for all the annoying snipy comments shes said either. is there an etiquette for this sort of thing?

― tigertiger (tigertiger), Thursday, 26 October 2006 14:00 (nineteen years ago)

just apologize. then tell her she looks really slutty in those shoes. hahahahah!!! no, just apologize.

― scott seward (scott seward), Thursday, 26 October 2006 14:05 (nineteen years ago)

Tell her you heard that she shagged a couple of people on the day in question and that you now regret calling her a cocktease instead of a skank.

― M. White (Miguelito), Thursday, 26 October 2006 14:15 (nineteen years ago)

Just learn the obvious lesson from this - i.e. what the fuck makes you think it's your place to make such comments - and move on.

― === temporary username === (Mark C), Thursday, 26 October 2006 14:18 (nineteen years ago)

when you get to the point of calling a co-worker a cocktease, im pretty sure all etiquette is out the window

― sunny successor (katharine), Thursday, 26 October 2006 14:19 (nineteen years ago)

what the fuck makes you think it's your place to make such comments

would like to know more about the context/reasons why the comment was made at all! can open worms everywhere?

― ;_; (blueski), Thursday, 26 October 2006 14:20 (nineteen years ago)

you don't have to get into details and explain every last thing on your mind, forget about that, it's not even about you feeling guilty, and don't hold out for an apology from her (somehow i get the feeling you're not super upset about the "annoying snipy comments" but correct me if i'm wrong). just say, "i'm really sorry about being a prick to you, i hope we can still work together"

you may never "come back" from this, but that's life.

― geoff (gcannon), Thursday, 26 October 2006 14:21 (nineteen years ago)

wait you want to bone her don't you

― geoff (gcannon), Thursday, 26 October 2006 14:23 (nineteen years ago)

Jealousy works in mysterious ways?

― not-goodwin (not-goodwin), Thursday, 26 October 2006 14:25 (nineteen years ago)

stevem otm need more context (GRUESOME DETAILS) before saying YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO SAY THAT OH MY GOD etc.

― benrique (Enrique), Thursday, 26 October 2006 14:27 (nineteen years ago)

no i do not want to bone her.

"i.e. what the fuck makes you think it's your place to make such comments - and move on."

WTF makes you think i cant? im not the type of person to go out of my way to start arguments but if someone says things that arent that nice to me, i dont see why i should let it slide.

― tigertiger (tigertiger), Thursday, 26 October 2006 14:27 (nineteen years ago)

if someone's being a prick, surely it's in everyone's best interest that they're told?

― teh_kit (g-kit), Thursday, 26 October 2006 14:28 (nineteen years ago)

ps plz don't all post "teh_kit, u r prick"

― teh_kit (g-kit), Thursday, 26 October 2006 14:28 (nineteen years ago)

but if someone says things that arent that nice to me

Such as...?

― M. White (Miguelito), Thursday, 26 October 2006 14:29 (nineteen years ago)

xpost--i dunno, so what? it's a work thing not marriage. i guess it depends on how gnarly heinous the shit she said to you was. do you want to WIN or do you want to normalize things? just man up and apologize first.

― geoff (gcannon), Thursday, 26 October 2006 14:31 (nineteen years ago)

What goes on tour stays on tour

― DJ Mencap (DJ Mencap), Thursday, 26 October 2006 14:31 (nineteen years ago)

you may not actually want to 'bone' her but there may still be some sort of jealousy issue at work.

― ;_; (blueski), Thursday, 26 October 2006 14:36 (nineteen years ago)

like you want to bone her husband or something.

― teh_kit (g-kit), Thursday, 26 October 2006 14:38 (nineteen years ago)

her dog?

― Stone Monkey (Stone Monkey), Thursday, 26 October 2006 14:41 (nineteen years ago)

Her monkey, surely.

― M. White (Miguelito), Thursday, 26 October 2006 14:41 (nineteen years ago)

i don't think etiquette matters as long as you sound like you actually are sorry (and don't wait around for an apology from her).

― Maria (Maria), Thursday, 26 October 2006 15:35 (nineteen years ago)

geoff OTM: "i'm sorry i was a prick" is the best approach.

as someone who managed to insult - in writing - several colleagues (each in a different, personalised way) i've got a bit of previous here. but i apologised profusely to each of them separately and that, plus a bit of time, has healed some of the wounds. which is more than i deserved, really!

most important lesson i learned: don't make off-hand comments about people you don't really know. it makes you a cunt.

― grimly fiendish (grimlord), Thursday, 26 October 2006 15:39 (nineteen years ago)

(nb tigertiger: i am not calling you a cunt! i'm calling myself one.)

― grimly fiendish (grimlord), Thursday, 26 October 2006 15:40 (nineteen years ago)

Tiger the point is that insults of such a personal nature are basically taboo and forgiveness is very hard to find. If she made similar comments about your sexual inclinations you can probably empathise with her anger, but if she abused you in a more, I don't know, regular manner then I reckon you don't really have a comeback here.

― === temporary username === (Mark C), Thursday, 26 October 2006 15:44 (nineteen years ago)

I don't get why you feel so obligated to apologize. If she's leading a coworker on you just might have raised a legitimate concern there.

Unless you went about it in an inappropriate way - like, say screaming COCKTEASE in her face then in one motion slapping her face, undoing her seatbelt, opening the passenger door and then booting her out of the car while doing 50 clicks on the highway. If that's the case you may want to try a simple "listen, I'm sorry I went about making my point in a poor manner but my point remains."

― Thermo Thinwall (Thermo Thinwall), Thursday, 26 October 2006 15:45 (nineteen years ago)

How is it any of his concern or business what occurs between her and another co-worker (and it isn't clear from above that it WAS a co-worker)?

― Allyzay Eisenschefter (allyzay), Thursday, 26 October 2006 15:46 (nineteen years ago)

Don't forget to add, "Btw, the roadrash really suits you."

xpost

― M. White (Miguelito), Thursday, 26 October 2006 15:48 (nineteen years ago)

I don't get why you feel so obligated to apologize

because making work atmosphere better is the point, not score-settling? seriously, forget the who-did-what shit, it's a waste of time.

If she's leading a coworker on you just might have raised a legitimate concern there

no, it's not. it's none of anyone's business. granted i've never been travelling w anyone for work, and never witnessed any crepey personal interactions, but still. IT'S WORK. NOT PLAYGROUND. NOT BAR. NOT BEDROOM. WORK.

xposts

― geoff (gcannon), Thursday, 26 October 2006 15:51 (nineteen years ago)

xpost, #2 in a series:

If she's leading a coworker on you just might have raised a legitimate concern there

yes, quick, call the flirt police!

― grimly fiendish (grimlord), Thursday, 26 October 2006 15:51 (nineteen years ago)

Ah - I just assumed it was a coworker/business associate. And it's his concern if it's something that can corrode the work environment - I've seen things like this turn ugly and suck everyone into this vortex of workplace despair.

xxpost

― Thermo Thinwall (Thermo Thinwall), Thursday, 26 October 2006 15:52 (nineteen years ago)

That's fine but it's still not really his business and if he really, really felt it was a situation that would damage the workplace, he should've taken it up with her in a far, far more professional manner. Calling a woman a cocktease right out like that is just not done.

― Allyzay Eisenschefter (allyzay), Thursday, 26 October 2006 15:56 (nineteen years ago)

i feel so obliged to apologise cos id like to salvage whatever working relationship we did have. and it was a cuntish thing to say (although i didnt phrase it as 'you are a cocktease', i just said it wasnt suprising why the other guy got the wrong idea) so i feel bad. plus she seemed quite upset by it and i feel like an arsehole because of it. anyway i did apologise and she accepted but i dont think its really repaired the damage. i might send another email. i dont want to make her feel awkward though. im an idiot. its wierd though, at the time, after constant verbal spats and barely any sleep, it felt right the thing to do. i said it in haste though, i should have apologised earlier really.

― tigertiger (tigertiger), Thursday, 26 October 2006 16:00 (nineteen years ago)

Mate, you've apologised, it's done, she accepted it. You're right, things aren't going to get back to normal straight away. She doesn't want you to grovel, she just needs time and space to regain her formerly good opinion of you. Just leave it, I promise it'll be for the best.

― === temporary username === (Mark C), Thursday, 26 October 2006 16:01 (nineteen years ago)

If you didn't phrase it the way you implied in the thread opener and you did say the way you said it, then it really isn't that terrible of a thing actually! I mean it's a bit rude but not exactly up there with what I thought happened at all. One apology is enough in this situation, don't worry about it any longer, she will get over it.

― Allyzay Eisenschefter (allyzay), Thursday, 26 October 2006 16:05 (nineteen years ago)

i think i might just send an email not to grovel (well i hope not) but to explain myself. i dont expect instant forgiveness, just feel i should explain things.

― tigertiger (tigertiger), Thursday, 26 October 2006 16:11 (nineteen years ago)

if you can bring yourself to do it, speak to her face to face. but apart from that, i think you're doing the right thing.

― grimly fiendish (grimlord), Thursday, 26 October 2006 16:13 (nineteen years ago)

I wouldn't bother.

You shouldn't have descended to the level of being unprofessional even if she was, but you've apologized which is all that can be expected and you're not obligated to be friends with co-workers just collegial.

xpost

― M. White (Miguelito), Thursday, 26 October 2006 16:15 (nineteen years ago)

I really feel you shouldn't continue with this. She will feel embarrassed, maybe humiliated and possibly still pissed off and she WON'T want to discuss it, I promise. It's very unlikely an explanation would make her feel differently. You've done the grown-up thing and apologised - just drop it now, it'll soon be forgotten

― === temporary username === (Mark C), Thursday, 26 October 2006 16:17 (nineteen years ago)

Dude, don't "explain yourself." "Explaining yourself" is just another term for continuing the argument by talking about why you were right and justified. If you're going to say anything at all, just say you're sorry things went the way they did. Period.

― nabisco (nabisco), Thursday, 26 October 2006 16:21 (nineteen years ago)

tigertiger, you need to learn how to deal with women and fast. i thought you would have learned something from your earlier mistakes:

what to do when a girl you meet wants a platonic relationship and you want more?

― gear (gear), Thursday, 26 October 2006 16:24 (nineteen years ago)

P.S. I can't think of any situation in which I'd call someone a cocktease, apart from if it were one of my friends and I was completely kidding and/or encouraging -- as something to earnestly accuse someone of, that's pretty risky even among friends, and surely downright shitty with a co-worker. It sounds like you have one of those work environments where people wind up spending loads of time together and eventually feel like they're just a social circle, but you have to rememember what an illusion that is: they're still coworkers, just as much as if you sat primly in opposite cubicles and never talked to one another.

Plus just the concept of a "cocktease" (and the notions of gender roles and responsibilities wrapped up in there) is like a whole can of worms in and of itself!

― nabisco (nabisco), Thursday, 26 October 2006 16:27 (nineteen years ago)

yikes, the backup explanation email always make something a bigger deal than it is. you know she's going to write you back debating some of your points and then you write her back etc etc etc. and everyone gets angrier.

just leave a cupcake on her desk.

― sunny successor (katharine), Thursday, 26 October 2006 16:27 (nineteen years ago)

omg THAT tigertiger: yes dude I think you may have massive social-awkwardness-when-dealing-with-women issues!

― nabisco (nabisco), Thursday, 26 October 2006 16:27 (nineteen years ago)

a good rule of thumb with co-workers is you shouldn't flirt with them and you shouldn't insult them.

xpost, see??

― gear (gear), Thursday, 26 October 2006 16:28 (nineteen years ago)

Seriously. Drop it. Put nothing in writting. NOTHING. I am being dead serious here.

big xpost

― Thermo Thinwall (Thermo Thinwall), Thursday, 26 October 2006 16:29 (nineteen years ago)

sunny - what exactly do you mean by "cupcake"?

― Thermo Thinwall (Thermo Thinwall), Thursday, 26 October 2006 16:30 (nineteen years ago)

OTM PUT NOTHING IN WRITING!!!

― Fleischhutliebe! like a warm, furry meatloaf (Fluffy Bear Hearts Rainbows), Thursday, 26 October 2006 16:32 (nineteen years ago)

i think i might just send an email not to grovel (well i hope not) but to explain myself. i dont expect instant forgiveness, just feel i should explain things.

The problem here is that YOU want to feel better without enough regard for how your actions will make her feel. Just resolve not to call your co-workers cockteases, chalk it all up to 'experience', forgive yourself, and move on.

― M. White (Miguelito), Thursday, 26 October 2006 16:34 (nineteen years ago)

i'd like to strongly reiterate that dude needs to learn how to deal with women overall, obv.

― gear (gear), Thursday, 26 October 2006 16:34 (nineteen years ago)

yes agreed.

but really your objective here needs to be to make the situation a smaller deal, not a bigger deal.

don't reopen all kind of confessional explanatory shit, just say your sorry it's all come to this, and then move along.

― geoff (gcannon), Thursday, 26 October 2006 16:39 (nineteen years ago)

to make it clear, i did not call her a cocktease. i merely said that it wasnt a surprise that Man X asked my co worker if they could sleep together (even though she has a long term boyfriend) after several suggestive comments she had made and gestures. i did not say 'oh my god you slut' and i never used the word cocktease either. i just used that word upthread to save myself typing out the entire scenario. no it wasnt my business to say that but look, when you are knackered and someone is constantly sparring with you, then some things you dont mean to say, get said. and no im not emailing anything more, im leaving it as it is.

― tigertiger (tigertiger), Thursday, 26 October 2006 16:42 (nineteen years ago)

Thank you.

― Thermo Thinwall (Thermo Thinwall), Thursday, 26 October 2006 16:50 (nineteen years ago)

good but don't think it was "merely" anything, since what you said still pins the cause of this rather sleazy remark on her. people makes random flirtly comments with acquaintances all the time and most of the time it won't result in an asshole directly asking for sex. it's not her fault.

― gear (gear), Thursday, 26 October 2006 16:54 (nineteen years ago)

If she's really that disagreeable, don't engage with her in any save a professional way.

― M. White (Miguelito), Thursday, 26 October 2006 17:03 (nineteen years ago)

gear, if i thought it was her 'fault', i wouldnt be apologising to her. i know its not her fault. (not that anyone can be 'at fault' herre anyway)i regretted saying it as soon as it came out my mouth.

― tigertiger (tigertiger), Thursday, 26 October 2006 17:05 (nineteen years ago)

Ahh, something about your phrasing upthread made it seem like you actually said, you know, "You're a big cocktease." If she was actually sitting there asking you "Why would he ask me something like that?" and you said "Well, duh, you were totally flirting with him" -- that's a mistake, but it's one I could certainly understand making. And if that's the case, then yeah, best course of action is what you've done: say you're sorry about the whole thing, and then just wait a while for her to get over it. Give it a few weeks, be nice to her, and the whole thing will become a non-issue.

(You know it's kinda funny how -- at least in the US -- there's this huge pop-psych idea that things need to be talked out and hashed over, whereas in the majority of cases the big plus to not going over it is that you avoid revealing whatever intractable point lies at the heart of your disagreement: often people are way better off just going around assuming their apologies to one another somehow square their worldviews. Even though, if they actually talked it through at any length, they'd come to some nugget of deep, deep disagreement that would keep them from ever tolerating one another again.)

― nabisco (nabisco), Thursday, 26 October 2006 17:18 (nineteen years ago)

You must be logged in to post. Please either login here, or if you are not registered, you may register here.