Vets: C or D

A veterinarian surgeon had had a hell of a day, but when he got home from tending to all the sick animals his wife was waiting with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner, after which they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed.

At about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang. "Is this the vet?" asked an elderly lady's voice.

"Yes, it is", replied the vet, "Is this an emergency?"

"Well, sort of", said the elderly lady, "there's a whole bunch of cats on the roof outside making a terrible noise mating and I can't get to sleep. What can I do about it?"

There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then patiently replied

"Open the window and tell them they're wanted on the phone"

"Really?" said the elderly lady, "Will that will that stop them?"

"Should do," said the vet, "- IT STOPPED ME!"

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead.

The man is clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, and demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat, and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows.

The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too."

The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings in a Black Labrador. The Lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks.

The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead, too."

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes.

The vet answers, "$550."

"$550 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man!

"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."

"I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's too heavy."

A guy (in our shop) apparently said a variation of this joke to the police. He got a fine for ridiculing the police.

Also, I'm making this NSFW:

<img src="http://farm1.static.flickr.com/196/495931600_0c69df78fe_o.gif&quot;>

hahaha Or not.

Link

Damn work internet filters.

A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor.

The doctor took an extensive medical history and then inquired about her symptoms and complaints.

She interrupted him, "Hey look, I'm a vet. I don't need to ask my patients all these questions. I can tell what's wrong just by looking."

She smugly added, "Why can't you?"

The doctor nodded and said, "Okay, I'll take your challenge."

The doctor quickly performed a physical exam, being careful not to ask any questions. He then picked up a pad, wrote a prescription and handed it to her.

"There you are. Take these pills four times a day for ten days. If this doesn't work, come back, and we'll put you to sleep."

Hear about the Irish Vet? He tried to separate a siamese cat!

These are the best of 'em you realise.

A very touching elephant story

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large sharp piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his fingers,after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man with a rather curious stare for several tense moments. Mbemb stood motionless,thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant raised it's trunk,trumpeted loudly and walked away.

Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through Chicago's Brookfield Zoo with some friends. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to be near where Mbembe and his friends were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times, always lifting the same foot and putting it down, and then trumpeted loudly,all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly. Probably wasn't the same elephant.

A women was considering buying an aging thoroughbred but wanted a vet's opinion of the horse before finalizing the deal. When the vet had completed his examination she asked "Will I be able to race him?"
The veterinarian looked at the woman, then at the horse. "Sure," he replied, "and you'll probably win!"

A vet, called out on house call to an ill dog, pulls up at the scruffiest house on the road as usual and walks up the drive to the front door. As he rings the doorbell he is joined by a fairly fit looking German Shepherd Dog which also waits at the door. The dog doesn't really look ill enough to warrant a house call but the door opens and both he and the German Shepherd Dog are welcomed in by an anxious owner. All becomes clear when the owner points out a very thin and ill Irish Setter lying motionless on the sofa. The vet examines him, and is just loading up a syringe to give a life-saving injection when he notices that the GSD is squatting having a pee on the hearth rug! The client appears not to notice so the vet in some disgust by now rapidly injects the Setter and informs the client of the fee. As the client is paying this, the vet notices that the GSD is now crapping on the hearth rug! Again the client seems totally unperturbed by this so the vet collects his fee rapidly and shoots off through the front door and down the drive, somewhat relieved to be out of this strange house! He is halfway down the drive when the front door opens and the client shouts after him "Oi vet, you've forgotten your German Shepherd Dog!"

quoi?

I googled for some fugly pics and came across this. I then realized that vests are okay, it's those horrendous damn white belts I LOATHE.

Is she a vet?

oh wait that's a man.

is he a vet?

Woha, I misread the thread. Damn those parody threads. :-) I think it's a HE actually.