Tell Your Favourite Jokes Here!

;-)

I'd like to have an animated beard. The nearest I'm going to get is growing it long enough for things to nest in, alas.

Anyhow:

"My wife went on holiday to Poole."

"In Dorset?"

"Yes, she'd recommend it to anyone."

Another:

"I took my wife on holiday to Northern Italy."

"Genoa?"

"I should hope so, we've been married for twenty years."

"No. ... But I'd like a regular banana later... so, yeah!"

- from Mitch whatsisname, forget, he's on late night shows a lot, wears leather pants, mumbles and sounds like an acid casualty - which may help improve the joke ;)

On GMTV the other morning the weather girl was in Dorset and every time Fiona Phillips said 'now over to Whatserface in Dorset' I stuck my mascara in my eye I was laffing so much.

Look me in the eye and tell me that isn't the best joke ever

x0x0

"Tunisia?"

"Yeah, she is thanks".

My contribution:

Q: How do you catch a bear?
A: Go out into the woods and dig a big pit. Fill it with ashes and line the edges with peas, then hide nearby. When the bear come to take a pea, kick him in the ash-hole.

hahahaha!!!!!

'Do you like Nietzsche?'
'Nature alone is beautiful.'

Oh actually I made it up. I forgot. But he often uses this joke:

'Do you like Kipling/Keats etc?'
'I don't know, I've never kippled/tried one/etc'

I a have always been enamoured by: Bloke walks into bar with a surgical smock on and a drip attached to his arm. Orders pint of beer. Necks it. Then says to barman: "I shouldn't really have had that. Not with what I've got." "Why,"sex barkeep. "What have you got?" "38p".

This typo in no way heightens the joke.

The important thing to remember about jokes is: the more times you tell them the funnier they are.

"For Lazio?"

"Only when there's shelves to put up."

Park the car man.

(= favourite joke of 2000)

"Port Stanley?"

"No, he's driving."

Lanlord says 'Get out! You're barred.'

"You're two tents."

lesbeans.

I adore this joke.

[Note: Selection of joke inspired by the Sideways thread]

What's bloody, monthly, and sings?
The New Christy Menstruals.

"Genoa?"
That one reminded me of a Led Zeppelin song.

Q: What do you call a psychic dwarf on the run from the law?

Q:What's the difference between a chicken and a trombonist crossing the road?

A: The chicken has a gig to get to.

Anthropologist in the jungle finds remote village never before visited by outsiders, is welcomed by all, settles in to study their primeval ways. The people are friendly, the village is peaceful, even the jungle grubs they eat at happy hour are delicious. The only thing that puzzles the anthropologist is the constant sound of drums in the near distance, pounding pounding pounding, day and night. After a few days, he's established enough of a rapport with the chief that he asks what's going on with the drums. "No worry," the chief says. "As long as drums play, everything OK." The anthropologist shrugs and files it away as something to investigate another time. But about a week later, as he's taking notes on courtship rituals, he suddenly realizes the drums have stopped.
"Oh no!" says one of the villagers.
"What happens now?" asks the anthropologist, feeling panicky.
The villager groans: "BASS SOLO!"

Q:How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None. The keyboard player can do it with his left hand.

A: Pick it up and suck its dick.

what do you call two homosexual vegetables?

lesbeans.

-- christopher james mcintosh, Monday, January 3, 2005 10:00 PM (2 years ago) Bookmark Link

ACTUALLY LEGUMES ARE NOT VEGETABLES

^best joke