Holy shit, the caption bank of attempted winners for past cartoons is a goldmine!
http://www.newyorker.com/images/2009/05/11/p323/090511_contest_p323.jpg
* What I really want to do is direct.
* "All of the really good drugs already had a star before I made it."
* And that's how I knew he was a politician.
* That is when I ran back to get my purse and ...my gun.
* "I can't imagine why you asked me if I ever worked for FOX News."
* "Loved the sequel. Loved the prequel. Hated the movie."
* Decided to throw my hat out of the ring...
* When you said you lived in a studio, I had no idea!
* My research synthesizes the seemingly disparate studies of quantum physics and biofuel production.
* I just want to add, I love the bars on the inside of the windows. It gives it more of a prison feel.
* And the ledge was only this wide.
* We're on commercial break. Now, we can just pretend to talk.
* And when they let me out, I'm gonna work for world peace.
* Thanks so much for appearing on my reality show!
* Twitter, twitter, twitter. Text , text. e-mail, blog, blog, blog, blog.
* "OMG! U are so much cuter in person...and funnier too! LOL..."
* " I think it's spelled C-A-T. Why do you ask? "
* You want me to do what???
* You know, I typically turn the show off after the monologue
* "Can I still say that I'm f---ing glad to be here ?"
* "Nobody can chew up that scenery. Hey, did I miss Pacino in the green room"?
* "Now, I'll be able to watch myself get interviewed at 10:00 and at 11:30!"
* What do you mean "put out" if I want to "Get out"?
* And then I went to Oxford on a Rhodes scholarship
* It was when I was working as a lap dancer to pay the tuition at MIT that my formula proving the Big Bang theory just popped up out of nowhere!
* You know your green room is lined with newspaper, right?
* "In keeping with our public transparency, your viewers should know I've changed the locks and my attorney is in the green room."
* I so old that I remember when going on the Tonight Show meant something.
* Seriously, Jack? You asked me to wear this dress so you could pretend to be a late night host? This is your idea of a conjugal visit?
* I never thought a tall long legged blonde from Los Angeles, whose father was a TV producer, make it in Hollywood.
* And when they told me YOU would be interviewing me, I readily agreed to tell everything.....even the details of our clandestine affair in detail.... knowing this was your dream...... the ultimate reality show!!
* I just love what you've done to the living room!
* Okay, so I'm not really a blonde. Now, I suppose your going to ask me if I think marriage is between a man and a woman.
* Vice-president Clinton? Er, I'd say she's dling a fine job.
* In my profession I never get laid off.
* "Then I suddenly realized that the media imprisons us all"
* Enough about me, what do you think about me?
* Thank for having me on! What an honor to be the last uninterviewed person in America.
* I have a new book coming out soon called, "100 Ways To Stay Beautiful Even During Bad Economical Times!" Its phenomenon and easy! A hooker could do it.
* I have found this prison delightful. The men are very cute and Entertainment Tonight comes on an hour earlier than at home.
* Well, Jay, this book tour for my autobiography is to protest the unwarranted intrusion of the media into my private life.
* "So, I just says to myself, 'He was a man, take him for all in all, I shall not look upon his like again.'"
* Leno, Letterman, Conan,Kimmel, Fallon, Ferguson...I can't talk about this crappy movie anymore...and who the hell are YOU?
* Well, honestly, the only thing that worries me about heading the Republican ticket in 013 is that I may be, you know, too much of a thinker.
* Well, my hair color comes from native, organic southwestern desert plants, my dress is 100% bamboo, and my shoes are from free range alligators that died of old age.
* But Barbara thought my hair was too big for "The View"
* I had no idea that this white collar prison had its own talk show, Bernie!
* It's like that Romeo and Juliet movie, but set during the Elizabethan era.
* I don't want to give too much away, but in my next film I play Spock's fetus.
* Why yes, of course, I have a complete grasp of the down turn in the world economy. And, I am not telling you.
* I know how we could raise your ratings way up!
* It was this long, really.
* "the audience must know too many window washers have fallen thru gawking and the bars are necessary to protect me"
* ...and then I met your producer; what a lovely man...and now I'm here!
* Well, I did some quick calculations and it turns out I get as much publicity for two years in jail as I would for the lifetime that comes with that whole baby thing.
* Who needs a problem, whan you can have a crisis?
* ... and that's just the confidential part ...
* "It's a period piece where I play a call girl who runs a Ponzi scheme on the side."
* Yes, it's true - I want to have Nouriel Roubini's love child.
* My husband thinks that I am at the beauty shop, but he never watches your show Mr. Leno!
* I can't wait to get into the city to do a little shopping.
* "It was crazy, it was insane! I don,t even know what to do with myself?" "How does that make you feel?"
* Are you kidding? How could I ever, ever, ever get tired of talking about ME???
* so i said you need to lowa the interest rate and flow in $700 billion dollas and and they said, "you ah wondahful - problahm solved!"
* It's a good look, but will it really keep the swine out?
* "Bernie and I are loving it here."
* "I know! A solvent bank! You don't have the name of a solvent bank back there, do you?"
* "I have security issues, so..."
* "That's right! I'm against gay marriage, and I'm against any efforts to move the capital of California to a city other than Los Angeles, and I'm against everything else! Wow, this bra is tight; I can hardly breathe!"
* Just because I didn't tell the truth on Oprah doesn't mean I am NOT telling the truth now.
* "In our last love making scene, Jack and I finished what we started but they cut it out of the picture."
* Your 6 inch spacing on the window treatment shows a certain restraint
* 1)No Tim, MY Ponzi scheme is a totally DIFFERENT kind of Ponzi scheme. 2)Oh, and I have a blog everybody!...Wait, I forgot what my publicist told me what my blog was called.
* Regressing to infantile phantasies while remaining oblivious to my attractiveness and its power over others works best for me.
* I never knew that off-Broadway prison talk shows even existed!
* "So he pulls out this humongous 'Can I say Wang on this show?'"
* "In this last movie I had two fully frontal nude scenes. It was easy. Here, let me show you."
* In addition to throat warbling, I can play "Chopsticks" on the piano.
* My cheating boyfriend is in prison, Jerry. You can't bring him here.
* "Love what you've done with the window treatments!"
* sure it hurt, but I've always wanted to be on a reality show, so when they said eat it, I just dug right in.
* "Just great here in L.A. How are you in New York?"
* So please tell us how you make the Matzoh Ball soup.
* My book sales soared the last time I exposed my thighs on your show.
* "I'm so honored to be your first guest here on Rehab-TV".
* "Yeah,I'm really a very private person, and like I told Jay, Dave,Phil, Bill, and Oprah, I hate gossip!"
* "In order to prepare for the role, I had my posse treat me like I was average."
* Thanks Larry. I've always wanted to be on, "Late Night in Leavenworth."
* It's, like, so sweet you fixed up the set to look just like my room at rehab.
* I REALIZE THIS IS AN EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW, BUT DO YOU NEED THE BARS?
* Could you ask that in the form of a tweet?
* "I've worked security bars."
* "Hi-Yo!" is cool again.
* To be honest, I never thought I'd be invited back.
* Thanks Jack. I've always wanted to be on, "Today in San Quentin."
* "I just love your new set. It's so 'prisony'."
* Enough about me, what did you think of my performance?
* "I'm greater than a star, I'm a constellatiom."
* So before these were on here, did you have escaping guests er something?! Heh heh... heh. Your not laughing.....
* This is my first job interview for a talk show guest position.
* Spa treatments, hair salon, gym, tanning salon, photo sessions ...life can be hell.
* Let's talk about you. Have you seen my new movie?
* It's not really sex, it's just porn!
* New York is the city so nice they caged it in twice.
* LET'S START IT OFF WITH A BRIEF REVIEW OF YOUR LOCAL MIDLIFE CRISIS. WE'LL THEN DISCUSS THE GLOBAL FINANCIAL CRISIS.
* This is fancy role-playing for a conjugate visit!
* "I just love what you have done with your new studio...How long is my segement?"
* Better safe than sorry!
* . . . and I just love your celebrity prison decor.
* I see the FOX News studio has prepared for the Democratic onslaught!
* We like, opened the box and saw the bomb and I like, remembered, "cut the red and we're all dead or cut the white and we're alright" and like, here we are today.
* "Profuse and free flowing, are you referring to my hair or my speech?"
* I don't know why, but I allways feel safe on your show!
* It just makes me break out in a smile, it does, it really does, to wake up every morning and discover I'm alive in a world so full of peace, love and understanding!
* "So how do you like it here at Club Fed?"
* "Well, of course I'm an environmentalist, silly! My new plane's big enough to carry my Prius!"
* Hey, Blah is my first language too
* "With a body like that, no wonder we're in a recession."
* "Are the bars on the windows to keep you or your guests from jumping?"
* "And my first vaginal orgasm was at age 9 blah, blah, blah...."
* Yeah, I'm in for twenty but looking at least 18...
* "Wow! Ask me another question. You're the best blind date I've ever had."
* "Do those cameras make me look fat?"
* For letting us put on this show, we need to thank our Asylum
* So I said to myself, "You're miserable, Wanda - go ahead an kill 'em!"
* This is the toughest JOB interview I’ve ever had!
* Why does your apartment look like a TV studio?
* "I knew Johnny Carson and you're no Johnny Carson." "Maybe, but I know Bette Midler and believe me you're no Bette Midler."
* "Hey, I hear ya -- whenever Spiderman is fighting his dark side, I feel a little insecure too."
* I'm so excited. Rush Limbaugh just endorsed me.
* Shall we talk about my new movie or our sordid personal lives?
* MY NAME IS JOE THE PLUMBER
* "My book is all about revenge, remorse, redemption, and royalties."
* I'm on Face Book and Twitter - now TV - How quaint !
* It's a reality show about my fantasies!
* "Watch me land on my feet."
* I didn't have enough capital either, so my boy friend bailed me out.
* Since I've been locked up in here, my embonpoint has given way to svelte .
* "Goodness, I'm on my fifth marriage, we don't bother with vows anymore."
* It was my parole board's idea . . !
* So how many NYSE personel made a quick exit before before you put up the bars?
* Omg Jay, It was so great of you to start doing your 10pm show from LA COUNTY JAIL, when are you going to have my cell mate Lindsay on?
* I'm pro choice and I can't see Russia from here
* Pardon the cliche, but it really is a zoo out there.
* ... and I´m a big supporter of world piece!
* "WAS YOUR LAST GUEST A CLIENT OF BERNIE MADOFF'S?"
* "Goodness, I think same sex marriages are so depressing -- I mean, the same old thing year after year"
* So this is the same set that Jerry Springer uses during the day?
* The biggest difference, Bob, is that y'all are so much richer in the city. Why, po' folks back in my holler could never afford sich fancy bars on their windows.
* Then I gave him a big hug and said 'You're the best correctional officer ever!'
* I love these Martha Stuart window treatments!
* No, that's the size of the trout I caught on our honeymoon!"
* Because I'm famous, people call me eccentric. But I'm crazy -- crazy as a loon!
* Can we take a commercial break, Honey? I have to check on the roast.
* And then I said, "I want to trade YOUR MOM's derivatives!"
* I didn't think he had what it took, so I took what he had.
* And then I dismembered the body! Steve, I've never felt more free.
* Thanks for having me on to talk about our Window Washer Crime Prevention campaign.
* Gosh I didn't know the people on this show were real.
* Are you going to edit out all the smart things and keep the dumb ones?
* So that's how I learned I could fit an entire watermelon inside of me!
* So, I said to him, "I'm thinking, so I must be me."
* "If I didn't have a brain, I'd still be here!"
* "Forget that I used to be Wolf Blitzer, when I lost the beard and went blonde, Fox tripled my salary!
* On the other hand, if I abstain from abstinence, I'm supporting it and can still have fun at the same time.
* After Harvard Business School the really tough choice was Go to Wall Street or Become a famous Bimbo?
* "Officer, I appreciate the format, but I still want my lawyer."
* "Interviews on the inside retrain us for acting careers on the outside."
* "And now for the giant monkey who loves to escape."
* And then HE said " We don't torture" and I said " Like, I don't believe you."
* "And then I said, 'Well Mr. President...that's what she said.'"
* "Phil! Hey buddy! Lake Placid is a city, not a personality!"
* "Oh, and did I mention the swine flu?"
* "And thanks for making me feel right at home after my 4th DUI."
* I love your new set - sorta Martha Stewart Minimal Security!
* I hope you don't mind me bringing my own cameras—I'm doing a reality show about our relationship.
* I must say, Conan is funnier than you.
* OK, since you promise this is just between you and I, I am the starlet who had an affair with the Governor.
* And after a few drinks this guy in the bar just turned to me and asked "How would you like to be the Chief Financial Officer of one of the largest banks in the country?"
* Sure, I have a new movie coming out this week. But, I'd rather talk about my addictions, arrests and dysfunctional relationships.
* Don't you just love these intimate chats?
* "Is it my old nose?"
* Now that we are outside the odd shaped box, it really looks like a zoo in there.
* Our divorce was on hold so I could do "Desperate Housewives," and now we're on "Trading Spouses" and about to shoot "Nanny 911."
* Can one be animated and (italics) animated? As you can see, I (italics) am.
* “Hand me the microphone and I’ll explain how you, too, can have hair like this.”
* Is your audience captive too?
* Sometimes I think you're the only one in this town who is not threatened by an intelligent woman.
* I just love being here....is it The Late Evenig, or The Early Late Night, or The Late, late Night Show?
* Yes, I can stay around after the break.
* I'm telling you, I have never seen so many silicone boobies in one place.
* Please, Ms. Colter, take a moment to breathe between sentences...
* "I woke up this morning, walked to the kitchen and made a pot of coffee!"
* "These legs were made for talking."
* no this isn't MY evening gown i tied up a pedestrian on the way to your studio and robbed her blind.
* Look at me for example: I no longer have a desk.
* "What have I been doing? Well, yesterday I auditioned to replace you. You knew about that, right?"
* "Eventually I want to direct and produce films and resurrect my body after I die."
* No, this little sweetie is very tame and friendly.
* It's a remake of Anna Karenina, but instead of throwing herself in front of a train she gets her life together.
* You see, my pseudocelebrity status needs late night talk show exposure to gain credibility
* It's so much more fun being Arlene than Arnold.
* I love what you've done with your apartment.
* "I just remember thinking to myself, what would Angelina do?"
* So I said, 'Is it existential angst or is it magic?'
* "And for how long did you broadcast from San Quentin ? "
* You see, it's a lot softer than those other brands.
* Wait! Does High Definition Television mean people at home are seeing me naked?
* Where's the teleprompter?
* So its to bad you will have to cancel your trip to England
* So the doctor misheard me and put these breast implants under my chin. What I said was 'I want boobs up to here'
* I'm actually here to promote an appearance on a talk show with a better time slot.
* "...yes, it's nice to be here. And about last night, I wouldn't worry if I were you. It often happens to men who keep stressful jobs".
* I'm so excited to be here. Changing from a woman to a man and back to a woman was the only way I figured I'd ever get on your show.
* You said that you were interviewing celebrities, not criminals.
* I passed the governments stress test so you can ask me any question you want!
* So then the little boys says, 'Rats. Big, effing rats with dicks this long.'
* "What a silly question. Of course I can type."
* I have no idea what this clip is we are about to see, but I'll tell you about it anyway ...
* So I told my agent that I wouldn't do the reality show unless they gave me more lines.
* I just love your new ground-floor studio!
* Late night with Jimmy Felon.
* Ever since his recent head injury, Warden Westfall has been going for a more Hollywood-vibe when it comes time for the prisoners conjugal visit interviews.
* I'd heard of minimum security jails, but one with its own talk show? I thought 'Amazing, I can off my boyfriend and not have it ruin career!'
* Has this approach worked for you in the past?
* A few years ago, my friend said "There's nothing you can do about the attention of your fans, you've just got to get used to being bothered." But, ever since I started waving my arms around all the time, people leave me alone.
* Yes, my new movie is titled "The Stimulus Package." I play a hoojer.
* ...and then I adopted a child from Africa, and then I gave birth to eight babies, and then I got a million followers on Twitter, and then I got my own reality show, and then I won on "Dancing with the Stars"...
* Okay, if you don't have cue cards, can I at least have a caption?
* Archival Cartoon, Stardate 2009, Earth: Note the female of the species is relegated to the chair and not the late night interviewer's desk in all 109,768,942 hours of late-night television we have discovered on the remains of the planet thus far.
* "They said, 'Get thee to a nunnery,' and I said, 'Let them eat cake.'"
* "Is your next guest an escape artist?"
* Thank you for making me feel right at home after my recent incarceration.
* Now Jim, I don't want you to repeat this to anyone!
* "It's a real cute scene. I leap into the ring as the Masked Amazon, tag the Vampire Valkyrie, jump on the Bandit Beeyach and pull her hair. Then she's tagged by Warrior Woman, and it's off to the races."
* "My PhD in tribal art didn't really pay off until I made the winning feather boa on Survivor: Key West."
* Do you ever feel becoming a celebrity has turned you into a prisoner?
* I have to admit, David, my role in the remake of King Kong really freaked me out.
* "Are the bars to keep us in or keep them out"
* um, well, it was, like, um, really amazing, really, heh heh
* Did I hear you say (no one is listening?)
* I've always wanted to meet someone like you.
* Yes! Yes! and Yes!
* Will anything I say be held against me?
* "And to think, I haven't been here for two husbands!"
* "So then, does it bother you that you're broadcasting from the plains of West Texas?"
* I guess, then, Governor, you would consider her a toxic asset?
* This? Oh, thank you, it's my "Michelle Look".
* "Golly, George. You can't believe how good it is to meet someone else with no chin"
* "Sometimes I do feel like a prisoner of my own success."
* Oh .. Why thank you so much! ya' know, That impression of the Governor is one of my favorites.
* "Ball and Chain" curtains send it out of the park.
* No, this is the play based on the SEQUEL to the remake of the original movie.
* "That's a great question. Hold on a second while I tweet it to my subscribers."
* Oh, no. I'm just waiting for my investment banker.
* Funny enough, I always wanted to be a janitor
* "No, it's actually a new thing dreamed up by Maurice, my stylist. He calls it, 'A poodle in flight.'
* I didn't know Armani made an orange sportscoat.
* My friend Martha says you're quite the host!
* "My manager didn't want me to do 'Good Morning Bellvue', but I told him I'd be nuts not to do it."
* Now I know what it's like to always look out at the world.
* Let me guess--the guy who installed the bars was dyslexic?
* SO, HAVE YOU TOLD YOUR WIFE YOU'RE PLANNING TO LEAVE HER FOR ME?
* And that's how John Edwards and I met.
* Ever feel like you're being watched?
* "I just ADORE your grillwork. It reminds me of my days in rehab."
* After eating the porridge that was JUST RIGHT, he found me asleep on the bed that was JUST RIGHT; I didn't know he was married til the cubs woke us
* So..... I liked Dallas so well, they started calling me Debbie!
* Well thank _you_ for inviting me to the the Late Nite Post-Apocalypse show!
* Latest "it" girl? Oh no, I'm just an audience member who got lost coming back from the bathroom.
* Reverse mortgages may not seem like much, but I look forward to being 62.
* But, hatemongering isn't ever going out of style, Mike.
* Late Night with Bernie Madoff
* "I tink I woulda got better roles if I weren't so tall."
* "Who's to say what's method and what's madness?"
* If it weren't for the bars on the windows, you'd never guess this was a detention center, would you?
* So how did you convince the warden to let you host a talk show from your cell?
* " ... and Detroit has given us such wonderful tax credits to film here."
* "No, no, not windows! Its cakes I love to jump out of!"
* and so I said,"Take a little more from the chin", and that's what got me here today
* And when I get out Jerry, I hope to intern on the Martha Stewart Show.
* "In what sport in college did you letter, David?"
* "Gee, I thought I'd seen all the bars in New York!"
* "Certainly not, no oral sex with a goat unless it's esential to the integrity of the script."
* "I play the young, pre-political Eleanor Roosevelt."
* Bernie I so glad you are back in Business.
* "Well Bob, starring in The Real Housewives of San Quentin has really shortened my sentence".
* “I just love these prison interviews!”
* "Business has been ok, but it hasn't been quite the same since Governor Spitzer stopped calling".
* I'm just thrilled to be here, Dr. Bob. Your celebrity rehab program is the best!"
* Well I thought a reality show to pick the next Supreme Court Justice was crazy too, but here I am!
* I understand that for years your guests tended to jump out a window.
* "...what I'm really looking for is a break out role".
* So I told my agent: "I don't care what he did to those poor people"...Get me on his show!
* "So, you see, your face isn't the only thing that can get stuck that way."
* "And then I said, 'Do you see those monkeys in their cage?' "
* "No way dude, I never passed 8th grade, but I recently wrote a book and it's out next week!"
* "In my next reality show, I'm going to have people compete to get on other reality shows."
* I just love your set. Is your designer Martha Stewart?
* Really? Four break-ins just last month?
* I'm, like, so totally suited for Shakespeare, but, you know, porno, like, pays the bills.
* I'm ecstatic about this new asylum talk show! But you really should take the bars off the windows.
* ... and that's all I know about sub-prime derivatives.
* "My agent told me it would be like reality TV, but with fewer lines to memorize."
* ok ok but the real question is do you want to go to dinner later
* Johnny, it's about time that I sat behind the desk.
* Dontcha just LOVE being in a stupid cartoon drawing?
* Actually, my vocation is being a model and my avocation is being a bigot!
* "...and reporting from a secure location, an exclusive interview with Governor Palin about her bid for the Presidency."
* I'd just like to thank you Governor, and the Warden for having me on your show!
* Let me just say you've done wonders under house arrest!
* This little guy downstairs at the deli keeps asking me, "Will it float?"
* "We were lifelong best friends until I found this opportunity to exploit her misery for profit."
* First, I'd like to dispel the rumor that it's easy on the inside.
* Live!! From Hollywood Rehab...
* Can I park my gum on your desk?
* "Why don't you tell everybody the story of the time you tried to escape from the show."
* Honestly, to all the Girls, we don't have to give up because of a silly little thing like Quarantine.
* Let's eat in the dining room tonight.
* Yes, Bob, the economic downturn has forced me to sell my summer home in Marseilles. It's truly a global crisis.
* (applause) Live from Flint, it's the Tonight Show with Justin Time!!
* Yes, Swine Flu is the beginning of the coming storm against gay marriage.
* "I dreamed the dream..."
* I tell you 12 kids just isn't enough, after screwing up the first few it just gets easier and easier.
* We roll in 5 seconds
* "Your new barred windows give the decor in here such a realistic, homey feel!"
* "It's, like, an amazing 3D extravaganza with something for everyone: a glamorous wedding, a sassy superhero, lots of heart---oh, and this, like, adorable, mischevious puppy who knows how to Twitter!"
* "So Paris, What do think of the Swine Flu?" "Oh!, I never eat pork."
* Are the window bars to keep me on the set or keep my ex off?
* Thank God she's not wearing underwear.
* Let's do a quickie during the commercial.
* Well enough about you, let's talk about me.
* "Being in prison has done more for my career that any movie I ever made!"
* I promise there all natural.
* I know you have a reputation as a tough interviewer but what's the worst that can happen, I asked myself.
* O K my tubes have been tied. When do we start that blue movie?
* I've got a really fresh, new face to offer the Supreme Court.
* And I think you should be able to eat turkey-yaki if you want to.
* So, was the affair worth the effort?
* “Stage, screen and TV gigs were merely stepping stones to fulfilling my dream of appearing in a caption contest cartoon.”
* I feel SO safe, even if pigs can fly!
* And then I realized, "I can wear a unitard on late-night television. I'm famous. I can do whatever I want."
* "ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME!"
* "Let me see if I can set this clip up. I'm in a bikini and being chased through the woods by a homicidal maniac..."
* Honestly, I enjoy talking about myself more than anything.
* "It's so cool being on your show, and I just loved the 'Your place or mine' on the invitation!"
* "Absolutely! Adult themes, adult language - in fact, it's an adult movie."
* No, I've never played a part where I didn't draw on my feelings of self-importance or self-worth. After all it is called LEADING lady.
* I’m so excited to actually be on the Bernie Madoff show.
* Last time I was on your show I was considered a bitch, now I’m someone else’s bitch.
* "And he's really hot. Yes, it's true - I'm starting a Michelle Obama perfume line. In the scene we'll see, I'm playing Mother Theresa when she has to decide between the convent and Brad Pitt. Can I uncross my legs now, my foot has fallen asleep?"
* "So, staff turnover is nil? Bravo!"
* Oh please don't grab the shackles, I won't run!
* then Monica said to me " ......and it ened up just being cake batter!" and we both laugh untill we fell over.
* "I don't know from TMI."
* I crossed my legs so you can't look up my dress, Mr. Late-Night-Show-Peeping-Tom.
* I love the bigness of starhood
* "And then my partial would fly out of my mouth whenever I said #&%!"
* Oh, Ted, it's not so much a starring role as it is a colossal exercise in self-delusion.
* That fleeting expletive was this big!
* I'm hoping it will be a breakout role for me.
* "Allow me to share another secret with you"
* Hey, congratulations, Jack, it really looks as if you're a prisoner of your own success.
* Despite my ardent post-structuralist feminist views, I view gender in the terms of Freudian and Lacanian psychoanalysis, as part of the deconstruction of existing relations of power, and as a great way to get men to buy me pretty things.
* "Blah,blah, blah, blah, blah,blah....."
* We'll have to Twitter this or nobody's going to know.
* Well it was simple, David, i just did 'spirit fingers' and i won "britain's got talent"
* Leno vs. Law and Order . . . now that's a smackdown that I'm dying to see!!!
* THEY DIDNT REALLY MEAN THAT THEY WANTED YOUR HEAD ON A PLATTER.
* The economy?...so basically...I'm like...y'know...like...yeah, whatever!...
* I feel so secure on a set with two cameras.
* I've been so worried about the swine flu that I'm not returning Kevin Bacon's calls
* "How many of me does it take to screw in a lightbulb?"
* I love a captive audience!
* I beat people from here to China when I won the New Yorker's Cartoon Caption Contest!
* "When I was convicted I never thought I would be on a talk show again."
* And this is how far apart your hands should be if you want to demoralize a man.
* Everyone in this audience knows that I used to be your son.
* "So I said to my agent ... sure, I'd love to be on 'Good Morning Rikers Island.'"
* I didn't even know that New York had a "Green Zone."
* I was held prisoner in this filthy jail and subjected to such indignities I simply can't describe so don't ask. Now you want me to show you the scars. When do you want to start?
* " Of course ! Women lie about their age....I have been doing that for the last 30 years !...since I was fifteen !"
* "I am thinking of calling the book "Single Moms, You Can Have It All With The Right Nanny."
* Oh yes! I really can fly!
* “Did my agent tell you that I was no longer taking medication?”
* " Oh Yes, Absolutely !I'm so glad you asked me that ! I couldn't agree more !! Uh, Uh ...What was the question again /"
* "These fake window bars give me a wonderful false sense of security. I must have your set designer's name."
* yes,yes it is true .i have slept with only one man.
* Now that I'm rich and famous, I plan on adopting 10 poor children from a third world country.
* Will I get to watch this live tomorrow?
* I would say that the majority of my clients were bigshots.
* Jackie Rabbit talks about her twin sister's fame and beauty on the Tonight Show.
* I still hope to find one this big.
* ....and that's why I feel strongly that gravity is a property of spacetime, not a force.
* I don't think the network is going to let you go!
* I'm sorry. I can't conjugate conjugal.
* And then "Whoa, whoa, whoa!" I said. "You mean to tell me I was dating THAT Drew?"
* "As we'll see, Inmate 34A7591 has done some amazing work with throw pillows."
* It's going to be SO hard to decide who gets the final rose! I've developed feelings for both Bernie and OJ!
* ...and you'll never guess what Ahmadinejad was wearing.
* "Mr. Madoff: 3 square meals a day, conjugal visits, and you still get to keep your penthouse....Who needs a Ponzi scheme?"
* No silly, its simply the ordinary operation of two coactive perceptual nerves...but, let me get back to your question about Planck's Constant.
* "Did you know I'm staying in Martha Stewart's old cell. You should see what she did with the place."
* Even the bars on the windows couldn't stop them from jumping...to conclusions.
* Until now, I never thought I would be anything but part of a captive audience.
* What do ya mean? I've never had to answer a serious question before.
* Well, giving a lap dance is very much like pleasing a lobbiest.
* I won't tell you how I got rid of her body. Everyone will be able to read that in detail when my book comes out.
* I can't believe you're letting me talk, not cutting me off because you want to talk.
* I thought this was supposed to be a talk show. Are you just going to sit there and look at my legs?
* ... and all I could think about while I was having sex with the Senator was what to title my book and which dress I would wear on your show.
* "The way I see it, a dumb blonde is not an oxymoron anyway."
* Cheeeeese!!!
* "I figure after the film, the scandal, my book about the scandal, the prison sentence, and my book about the prison sentence, then I'll slow down a bit."
* "Oprah's better but I guess you'll do."
* Since you ask, I always cross my legs in case I forgot my panties
* Sexual harrassment just seems way more relevant, then, like, saving the rainforest.
* My new film is a movie----based on a comic book --- if you can believe that!
* Well Jay, My gal pals Lindsay, Britt & I went to Cancun last weekend. They made me kiss a pig. The Swine Flu is HOT!
* I have an idea. When we get back from the break let's talk more about me.
* Honey, we really don't want you to break in. It's a women only prison.
* "I'm definitely for healthcare reform, especially when it brings down the cost of plastic surgery and implants."
* I know why the caged bird sings!
* "Is that background real?"
* Living in the city makes me feel as free as a bird!
* "It's not so much that I'm anti-gay as it is that I'm pro-somber."
* "My next project is a baby from Malawi."
* No offense to anybody out there, but I think that I believe that a conjugal visit should be between a man and a woman.
* And then he said, "That was no woman, that was my wife!"
* "You have five years left to serve on your prison sentence. How will you occupy your time if ratings drop and your show is canceled?"
* "Putting solar panels on everything not just save energy, but also save lives."
* " The bailout? Oh, yeh, that's what my ex-husband did when he caught me in bed with his best friend."
* If you help pay for the surgery I could be the next Miss California.
* So I says to him I says: Mr. Vice President, you sneezed and now the whole cabin is talking like blithering idiots!
* .....and the third time was the charm for rehab!
* Gordon and I don't like whats happening in the news, so we create our own.
* I'd stay longer, but I'm pretty sure that fifteen minutes of fame thing will apply to me.
* "I'd be more relevant if I was blonder."
* Are you giving away free chicken, like they did on Oprah?
* So correct me if I am wrong, the bars are to keep the investment bankers in?
* And then Marge Simpson said to me, "You know, honey, I really don't care if it lasts longer than four hours."
* And then it hit me. . . . I could be a celebrity too.
* I tell them to hold their signs like this, so all the words can be read. You only have a few seconds to catch the readers attention and let them decide on if it's change or a bill.
* I'm ready for my Exam, Doctor.
* The Pettigrew's dinner conversation became so much more engaging once they sold the dining room table and brought in the fake tv cameras.
* Day 3 of the new politically correct torture. Do they normally talk this much?
* Who! The "Tonight Show" from prison, I yes just love it.
* So, I love the new look, it's so big house-y.
* "Yes, it is true Mr. Hannaty, I did major in Intelligent Design in college!"
* Actually, the second law of thermodynamics is that the entropy of an isolated system which is not in equilibrium will tend to increase over time, approaching a maximum value at equilibrium.
* . . . and that's when I figured out that the key to the Unified Theory of Physics is derived from General Entropy Law and Wave Dissipation Phenomenon.
* "And that's why they call it soup!"
* And to all the little people at home, I just want to say I'm so glad I'm not you.
* "Your apartment is really weird."
* "Let me tell you....my last first date with a guy I met on craigslist was even more weird than this..."
* Oh of course! Don't worry about it! I'd love to share the details of my divorce with everyone.
* You keep asking me dumb questions.
* So you see, Glenn Beck, I felt it was my patriotic duty to either have a love child with John Edwards or risk the Democrats winning the election.
* If no one laughs, do I get waterboarded?
* and the worst part is, I've never been kissed
* God forbid that the photographs would try to break in.
* “Yes, my doctoral thesis is in quantum theory and its application to quasi stellar systems.”
* "This is my first gig in Sing-Sing."
* ...and in the last scene, my dress is all shredded and I'm banging on the doors and windows screaming, "Help, help, lemme outta here!" But, there's no way out!
* "It's less stressful working in Hollywood these days knowing that if your career bombs there's always 'Dancing with the Stars.'"
* I call the exhibit “Cities and Canes”.
* " I can see Cuba from my jacuzzi "
* As minimum security prisons go, this one isn't bad.
* .....and I'm not wearing any panties......
* You can stop me if you've heard this before.
* Are we still couch-casting, or is this the show?
* "So the bars on the windows are to keep you from jumping during the economic report of the news cast?"
* And then I tweeted on Facebook, and here I am."
* At the next commercial we make a break for it.
* "And just then, I was given this pretty pink slip and an opportunity for a very long unpaid vacation. Isn't that wonderful?"
* Ray, I've found that the mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation. No wonder they're too busy to call.
* So, I guess there is no escaping this interview right?
* "Thanks for asking. I really have gotten over Madoff."
* Every obese American should get their own nutritionists and personal chef!
* So, ask me no questions, and I'll tell you no lies.
* "Late Night" at the Penitentiary.
* "And God's greatest gifts are life, religion and HDTV."
* I´m in for First Degree Manslaughter, which coincidentally is the name of my new movie...
* It is so great to finally meet someone who fantasizes about been a late night talk show host too.
* But enough about you.
* Do you think you'll move to primetime too?
* Its so great that San Quentin allows talk shows now!
* Susan Boyle and I go way back.
* And I said NO!
* No I don't have a book, a movie or a play. I thought this was the unemployment agency.
* You know Ed, 50 is the new 30; and with a little luck and a lot of botox, in twenty years, 70 will be the new 40!
* "Yes, a reality show about imaginary people in a make believe place!"
* "My publicist said I really should add a few more words to his obituary. OK, I said. Put in, 'For sale, Porsche -- some body work needed.'"
* I got the idea from Cosmo Kramer.
* "First I have to say thank you, after spending the past five years behind bars for stock fraud you've made me feel so at home!"
* I want to thank you and the network for the security since it's been confirmed I'm pregant with 9 babies.
* "Rick, I just can't tell you how indicted I am to be here."
* "You know, Carl, I feel so comfortable on your show -- I know I can get hysterical, without fear that I'll fling myself out a window!"
* I don't know if you knew this, but I'm stupid.
* I think this could be a break-out moment for both of us!
two months pass...
eleven months pass...
four months pass...
four months pass...