Why was 6 afraid of 7?

cuz 7 ate 9

it's tomorrow, and a reason to make puns!

What did Freud say came between fear and sex?

Funf.

That is my favorite joke...the 7 8 9 one.

I also heard M. White's a different way:

How are Freud and the #6 alike?

They're both caught between fear and sex in Austria.

Hah!

what did the 0 say the 8

i mean to the 8

i dunno dad, what DID the 0 say to the 8?

nice belt.

We don't get the 7 8 9 on the date joke for another month yet. Americans, huh?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7fQ7bmPjA8U

oh shit i hadn't spotted that bit of numerology from our jdchurchill

We don't get it for another day, if it makes you feel any better, ailsa.

Hah!
that movie trailer was frickin rad,
thank you jeff

omg that 789 vid is great. amazing production values!

Ask me if I want a sultana.

LOL OMG that trailer

(saw new answer by LJ, hoped he was asking chap if he wanted a sultana. Disappointed now)

Would you like a sultana, Chap?

hey did you guys hear the one about the butter?

you can post the set-up and the punchline, but . . .
what about the butter, eh?

Would you like a sultana, Chap?

I see no raisin why not!

Ask me if I'd like a raisin.

hey chap
you wanna raisin?

Not at the CURRANT time!

what about the butter, eh?

I'd tell you, but you might SSSSSPPPPPRRRRREEEEEEAAAAAAAADDDDDDD IIIIITTTTTT AAAAARRRRROOOOOOUUUUUUNNNNNNNNDDDDDDD

http://www.abovethelaw.com/images/entries/animated%20siren%20gif%20animated%20siren%20gif%20animated%20siren%20gif%20drudge%20report.GIFhttp://www.abovethelaw.com/images/entries/animated%20siren%20gif%20animated%20siren%20gif%20animated%20siren%20gif%20drudge%20report.GIFhttp://www.abovethelaw.com/images/entries/animated%20siren%20gif%20animated%20siren%20gif%20animated%20siren%20gif%20drudge%20report.GIFhttp://www.abovethelaw.com/images/entries/animated%20siren%20gif%20animated%20siren%20gif%20animated%20siren%20gif%20drudge%20report.GIFhttp://www.abovethelaw.com/images/entries/animated%20siren%20gif%20animated%20siren%20gif%20animated%20siren%20gif%20drudge%20report.GIF

<3 <3 <3

a fish was swimming along and ran into a concrete wall and be like DAMMMMMMM

weaksauce, i know

no, tehresa, that made me actually lol.

buddhist goes to a hotdog stand and says to the vendor "make me one with everything"

I like to tell this joke a lot, but for the punchline I say "Because 7 tried to impose a neo-fascist dictatorship on what was previously a democratic society"

Went to a zoo the other day, there was only one small dog there. It was a shitzu.

He gives the vendor a £10 note for the £2 hotdog, and waits. "what are you waiting for?" says the vendor. "don't you know that change comes from within?"

xpost to myself

tehresa you told me some obscene jokes a few weeks ago and I thought they were totally hilares and I started telling everyone else. But now I forget them.

Hey, what about that Mahatma Ghandi, eh? A wonderful and extremely holy man, yes, but his feet were buggered from always walking around barefoot, and he was pretty weak as a result of his vegetarianism. Also I hear his breath stank for similar reasons.

He was a super calloused fragile mystic vexed with halitosis!

that's pretty Garrison Keillor

That she wore for the first time today! xp

Why couldn't they electrocute the band teacher?

He was a bad conductor!

Why did the bear dissolve in water?

Because it was a polar bear!

science joeks 4 u

dom p was number 6 to be SB'd btw.

ailsa- i lol'd

- Why can't blondes count to 70?

- Because their mouth is full after 69.

A man goes into a fish restaurant, the sort where you can pick your selection from a tank, and decides he wants calamari. His Spanish waiter, Javez, takes him over to the tank for his selection and, for reasons best known to himself, picks the old, decrepit looking one lurking in the corner.

"Sir", says the waiter, "surely you do not want that one. It looks a horrible colour, all mossy."
The man insists he does.
"But sir", the waiter continues, "you cannot possibly want that one. It even has a moustache."
The man restates his position.
"I'll level with you sir, that animal has been there as long as any of us can remember. It's like part of the family and I'm not going to sell you it."
The man calls for the manager, who tells Javez his job depends on selling it. He refuses, and is sacked.

Unfortunately, the manager realises he is now short-staffed and busy, with an insistent customer, so promotes their German dishwasher, Hans, to front of house and immediately places him with the seemingly awkward customer who confirms his choice for dining.

"Sir", says the ex-dishwasher, "surely you do not want that one. It looks a horrible colour, all mossy."
The man insists he does.
"But sir", Hans continues, "you cannot possibly want that one. It even has a moustache."
The man restates his position.
"I'll level with you sir, that animal has been there as long as any of us can remember. It's like part of the family and I'm not going to sell you it."
The man calls for the manager again, who tells Hans his job depends on selling it. He refuses, and is sacked.

And it just goes to show...

Hans that do dishes can be soft as Javez with the slime green hairly lipped squid.

There are 10 kinds of people in the world.
Those who understand binary and those who don't.

So Descartes is at a cocktail party boring someone's ear off and a waitress comes up and asks "would you like something to drink?"
He responds "I think not" and disappears.

Michael Jackson blah blah like Margaret Thatcher blah blah a pun involving minors/miners blah blah blah

now that's just lazy

What's the difference between a weasal and a stoat? A weasel's weasily recognised but a stoat's stotally different.

So Descartes is at a cocktail party boring someone's ear off and a waitress comes up and asks "would you like something to drink?"
He responds "I think not" and disappears.

― Fetchboy, Wednesday, July 8, 2009 8:56 AM (1 hour ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

:)

That is my favorite joke...the 7 8 9 one.

I also heard M. White's a different way:

How are Freud and the #6 alike?

They're both caught between fear and sex in Austria.

― kind-hearted, sensitive keytar player (Abbott), Tuesday, July 7, 2009 6:49 PM (Yesterday) Bookmark

Abbott I LOLd but shouldn't it be the #5?

What's the difference between illegal and unlawful.

One's against the law, and the other is a sick bird.

x-post Ha - just saw MW's so I guess it is. I'm gonna call my dad with this one right now. :-)

Why couldn't they electrocute the band teacher?

He was a bad conductor!

― kind-hearted, sensitive keytar player (Abbott), Tuesday, July 7, 2009 11:46 PM (Yesterday) Bookmark

I have heard a lengthy, similar version of this joke. about a railway conductor who murders a passenger and is then sentenced to die, but does not die, etc.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
(I dunno, why?)
To get the Chinese newspaper!!!
(...)
D'you get it?
(No.)
Neither do I; I get the Times.

Some farmer got an award today just because he was out standing in his field.

some version of that chicken/nytimes gag was my sister's favorite joke in 3rd or 4th grade.

There are 10 kinds of people in the world.
Those who understand binary and those who don't.

not gonna lie, I love this joke

i had a science teacher who was very fond of this one:

There was an Indian chief, and he had three squaws, and kept them in three teepees. When he would come home late from hunting, he would not know which teepee contained which squaw, since it was dark. He went hunting one day, and killed a hippopotamus, a bear, and a buffalo. He put the a hide from each animal into a different teepee, so that when he came home late, he could feel inside the teepee and he would know which squaw was inside.

Well after about a year, all three squaws had children. The squaw on the bear and the squaw on the buffalo hide each had baby boys. But the squaw on the hippopotamus had TWO baby boys. So what is the moral of the story?

The value of the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.

indians didn't hunt hippopotamus, jeez.

There once was a little frog who wanted to take out a home improvement loan to fix up his pad. His name was Kermit Jagger. He hopped over to his local bank, went up to the teller and said, "Hi, I'd like to take out a loan to fix up my pad."

The teller replied, "You need to see our loan officer. Her name is "Patricia Whack."

So the frog hops over to the loan officer's desk and sits down. When Patricia arrives she ask, "What can I do for you?"

The frog says, "I'd like to take out a loan to fix up my pad."

Patricia asked, "What do you have for collateral?"

After thinking for a couple of moments about what he could offer the frog reaches into his little froggy pocket and pulls out a small white elephant.

"This is a very unusual form of collateral." said Patricia. "I'll have to check with our bank president to see if it's ok."

Patricia goes to the president and says, "There's a frog named Kermit Jagger out there who wants a home loan and this white elephant is all he is offering for collateral. What should I do?"

The bank president takes the small white elephant and after carefully examining it hands it back to Patricia and says,

"It's a nick-knack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

Michael Jackson blah blah like Margaret Thatcher blah blah a pun involving minors/miners blah blah blah

― NotEnough, Wednesday, 8 July 2009 15:37 (50 minutes ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

now that's just lazy

― 51 logins to SB Jol (darraghmac), Wednesday, 8 July 2009 15:38 (48 minutes ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

I lolled.

Tbh those ridiculously long-winded and complicated puns bore the crap outta me.

I think my favorite corny joke is the interrupting cow one but you really can only tell that in person.

more ridiculously long-winded punnishness, from the same science teacher:

One day Roy Rogers was passing the boot maker's shop when he noticed a pair of boots in the window that were the most beautiful he had ever seen. He entered the shop and told the proprietor that he must have the boots that were in the window. The proprietor said the boots were made for someone else, but, if they fit Roy, he could have them and he would make a new pair for the other customer. So Roy proudly left the shop wearing his new boots. However, on the way back to his ranch, it began to rain and as he walked up to the ranch house, his new boots got all muddy. He left them on the porch and entered the house. While he was eating his dinner, a bob cat snuck up onto the porch and grabbed the loops at the back of the boots in his mouth and ran off with both of
the boots. Fortunately the cook saw the theft and called Roy. Roy was livid. He whistled for Trigger and took off at a gallop after the bob cat. A few hours later he returned with a dead bob cat across the front of his saddle. The once beautiful boots were hanging out of the saddle bags. They were torn to shreads. As he rode up, the cook spotted him and called out ...

"Pardon me, Roy, is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?"

(when we didn't laugh at this, the teacher had to sing a chorus of "chattanooga choo-choo" for us to explain it...)

(i don't even think those two jokes are funny, but i still remember them more clearly than anything else i learned in that science class)

Tbh I think we could do a good job of telling the interrupting cow joke. It's just occurred to me that joke could also work pretty much any other animal!

i was gonna do that paddy whack joke earlier (frog substituted for a small terrier, which is clearly funnier) but tbh when my bouncing brick masterpiece was soo ill received before i felt it wouldn't be appreciated.

Hey Nick - knock, knock . . .

WHo's there?

The interrupting cow

The interrupting cow...

why is the oasis soup so popular?

because you get a roll with it

x-post MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Yes!

(well done)

TAKE A BOW!!!

(I am troubled by how much time I spent deliberating over whether to dotdotdot it and also where I should stop to allow you the most impact with the punchline.)

sorry i interrupted it.

bah I was going to controversial mod edit that joke

There's a toad walking along the road carrying a bag of balls and I'm heading up the road behind the toad when a couple of the balls fall out of the toad's bag and roll towards me. I pick them up and jog after the oblivious toad. When I'm almost upon him, I tap his shoulder and ask "Do you want your balls, toad?" to which he replies "Do you want your fucking cunt kicked in?"

three nuns are sitting on a park bench, when a dodge lookin dude slinks up wearing a floor length mac. he jumps at them suddenly and flings open his coat, to reveal an erection like a bodybuilding baby's clenched arm. the nun in the middle immediately has a stroke.

the other two couldn't quite reach.

irl lol

rly? i thought we were aiming for groans not lols

^ story of my sex life right there, btw

Ian, I got really good results from the chicken/NYT joke as told to my family. They all gave a thumbs up.

Granted, that's coming from my brother who tells jokes like this one:

"Did you see in the news about the corduroy pillows? They're making headlines everywhere."

I like that joke!

A nun is walking on the sidewalk, pushing a baby carriage. A passer-by comments:
- Little monastery secret?
- No, a cardinal mistake.

Why did the monks go crazy?

They realized the book said 'celeBRATE.'

A lot of my jokes I am condensing from long, long (boring) jokes.

A grasshopper walks into a pub and says, "One beer, please!" The bartender says:
- Whoa! Did you know we have a drink named after you?
- What, "Dave"?

I love that joke.

I think I need to order a grasshopper some time.

Now that I see what it's made of I think I change my mind.

corduroy pillow is pretty much my fav joek

Ramon and Pepe are trekking through the Mexican desert on the run from the federales. Water supplies are low and they are completely out of food. At the point of total despair, Pepe spies a tree in the distance... As they draw closer they see the branches are festooned with succulent rashers of bacon. Abandoning caution, Pepe sprints towards the tree, and is immediately opened fire upon by a platoon of soldiers hiding behind nearby rocks. With the last of his strength, he crawls towards his shocked comrade and shouts, "Ramon! Is no a bacon tree! Is a ham bush!"

Two legionnaires are lost in the desert, they've been wandering for several days without food and water, and are nearly resigned to the fact that they will soon die from dehydration, when as they reach the top of a sand dune, they see a big, bustling market laid out before them. Naturally, they can't believe their eyes and think it's a mirage, but as they draw closer, they can hear the stallholders' cries, and they eventually reach the market and realise that it's really there.
So the legionnaires rush up to the first stall they can and cry to the stallholder, "Stallholder, we have been travelling in the desert for many days, and have had no food or water. We shall surely die soon unless you have some you can sell us - tell us, do you have any sustenance for us?"
The stallholder shook his head and replied "I'm sorry, but all I have to sell is a load of bowls full of jelly, topped with custard and cream, and lovingly sprinkled with hundreds and thousands."
The legionnaires look at each other, mildly surprised, and move on to the next stall, where they ask the stallholder, "We shall surely die soon, unless you can sell us some skins of water."
The stallholder looked at them embarrassed, and confessed "Gentlemen, tragic as I admit it is, I have none of the ingredients necessary to life for which you ask me... all I have to sell is this large bowl of jelly topped with custard and cream and sprinkled with hundreds and thousands, with a little cocktail cherry in the middle at the top ... I cannot help you..."
The legionnaires look at each other in desperation, and run on to the next stall, where they demand of the stallholder, "Look mate, we need water or we'll die. We've been travelling without water for days and need some now, Do you have any you can sell us?"
The stallholder looked at his curl-ended shoes in shame as he confessed, "Sorry, fellas, I can't help you either. All I have to sell you is a bowl of jelly, with custard, cream and hundreds and thousands."
The legionnaires carried on through the market, stall by stall, asking each stallholder whether they had any water, but each stallholder gave the same reply, all they had to sell was a bowl of jelly with cream, custard and hundreds and thousands. Dejected and resigned to their grim fate, the legionnaires left the desert market and walked off into the setting sun. As they did so, one turned to the other, and said, "That was really odd - a big market in the middle of nowhere, and all they sold was bowls of jelly with custard, cream and hundreds and thousands." The other turned to face his companion and replied, "Yes, it was a trifle bazaar..."

The best way to follow up the interrupting cow joke is with this:
Knock knock
who's there?
interrupting giraffe.
and while they're saying "interrupting giraffe who" puff up yr cheeks with air and act like yr chewing on something.

so these two old ladies were out pickin potatoes

one of em lifts one up outta the ground and says "why, this reminds me of my husband's balls!"

the other one's like "wow, they're that big?"

"no, they're that dirty"

Has anybody here ever read any of O'Brien's Keats and Chapman jokes?

i sure haven't;
lay 'em on us!

The New Adventures of Keats and Chapman: A Selection of Improbable Tales
Mathews has long been an admirer of Flann O'Brien, especially his famous Keats and Chapman sketches. Here he attempts to re-invent the style and wit of the short pieces, with original columns done in the style of O'Brien's sketches. He succeeds wonderfully. Previously printed in Hot Press, each column humorously builds up to a punch line, based on a pun.

-is it that?