Real England

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where is it and what does it look like

Nigel Farage is a fucking hero (nakhchivan), Thursday, 3 November 2011 13:12 (six years ago) Permalink

Raymond Williams says somewhere that most people who live in it live in quite small towns, but there is next to no significant literature about same.

Of course he was writing before Midsomer Murders aired.

http://i1.trekearth.com/photos/64476/dscf1947scrsfr.jpg

^^^wiltshire apparently (i'm not sure i know where wiltshire actually is) < /the lex >

mark s, Thursday, 3 November 2011 13:16 (six years ago) Permalink

i don't know how the demographics break down now but i wd say that a significant majority at least want to live in quite small towns. also i suspect quite small towns are increasingly really dissipated cities.

Agyness Dei (Noodle Vague), Thursday, 3 November 2011 13:19 (six years ago) Permalink

Anyone bothered with Paul Kingsnorth's book on this very subject?

Lars and the Lulu Girl (NickB), Thursday, 3 November 2011 13:21 (six years ago) Permalink

but y'knaa this whole problematic word "Real" - is this intended sarcastically, like is this thread about "what are the sort of people who use the phrase 'Real England' talking about?" or are we positing a defining core of Englishness that has history and still survives however tenuous?

Agyness Dei (Noodle Vague), Thursday, 3 November 2011 13:21 (six years ago) Permalink

i think it would be facetious to pretend the issue can be approached entirely unfacetiously

Nigel Farage is a fucking hero (nakhchivan), Thursday, 3 November 2011 13:22 (six years ago) Permalink

i was not aware of paul kingsnorth but now i see he has written a book called real england colon something else, i would guess it isn't the only book/treatise/pamphlet with similar title

Nigel Farage is a fucking hero (nakhchivan), Thursday, 3 November 2011 13:23 (six years ago) Permalink

work filter has thoughtfully blocked access to my first google search result, some blog with the delightfully making-me-want-to-stab-the-author subtitle "The Battle Against the Bland". i assure you guys if there is a Real England it is not battling against The Bland and that is an excellent virtue in itself.

Agyness Dei (Noodle Vague), Thursday, 3 November 2011 13:24 (six years ago) Permalink

oh right, that is the subtitle of Kingsnorth's book. okay then i will probably never read it since i infer from the book's post-colonage that the guy is a big douche.

Agyness Dei (Noodle Vague), Thursday, 3 November 2011 13:24 (six years ago) Permalink

the usual English attention to the wrong details

Agyness Dei (Noodle Vague), Thursday, 3 November 2011 13:25 (six years ago) Permalink

and some sadness for stuff passing that has not passed or was not what he claims it was before it passed

Agyness Dei (Noodle Vague), Thursday, 3 November 2011 13:26 (six years ago) Permalink

is john terry 'real england' dyou suppose

blind pele (darraghmac), Thursday, 3 November 2011 13:27 (six years ago) Permalink

i infer from the book's post-colonage that the guy is a big douche.

― Agyness Dei (Noodle Vague), Thursday, 3 November 2011 13:24 (1 minute ago)

h but f, nv, h but f

basically i was looking at the squad list for peterbrough town and noticed ryan tunnicliffe and lee frecklington and thought maybe those names were shibboleths that uttered in a certain way might usher you into the innermost real england

Nigel Farage is a fucking hero (nakhchivan), Thursday, 3 November 2011 13:27 (six years ago) Permalink

http://i.telegraph.co.uk/multimedia/archive/01185/arts-graphics-2008_1185572a.jpg

the city hobgoblin as a good place to start! (of course he said british not english, right, re the wrong detail)

mark s, Thursday, 3 November 2011 13:35 (six years ago) Permalink

"... heir to an immense fortune, gifted by nature with a mind susceptible of noble cultivation, and a body endowed with admirable physical powers with the wretched drunkard who died in a gaol at the age of thirty-eight, a worn-out debauchee and drivelling sot... " <-- i am this very second ensconced in the village that surnamed this regency rake, tho he mainly lived on the other side of shrewsbury

mark s, Thursday, 3 November 2011 13:41 (six years ago) Permalink

nigel farage isn't real btw, he speaks for only his own constituency, which is seldom more than symbolic

is there a real england that is incapable of any sort of assimilation into colonned literature? a planar england that resists signification or commodification by interlopers from other englands

Nigel Farage is a fucking hero (nakhchivan), Thursday, 3 November 2011 13:43 (six years ago) Permalink

south dublin iirc

blind pele (darraghmac), Thursday, 3 November 2011 13:44 (six years ago) Permalink

leatherhead is a promotory over a large and brackish inland sea that is never spoken of

mark s, Thursday, 3 November 2011 13:45 (six years ago) Permalink

beneath the leylines, the true underground

mark s, Thursday, 3 November 2011 13:46 (six years ago) Permalink

"Winter, 1981: the headless, skinned bodies of two bears are found by the River Lea."

mark s, Thursday, 3 November 2011 13:51 (six years ago) Permalink

real england is all mates and and blood sausage and big bottomed birds reading thew newsie-wewsies

max, Thursday, 3 November 2011 13:57 (six years ago) Permalink

nah it's hedgerows and birds and complete lack of public services

blind pele (darraghmac), Thursday, 3 November 2011 14:08 (six years ago) Permalink

Oh it's all about the public services nowadays; a bus to take you into town so you can spend all night trawling the happy hour bars, a streetcleaner to mop up your vomit from the pavement, a policeman to give you a place to spend the night. No-one needed public services when an evening's entertainment consisted of watching the sun set over a russet autumnal hedgerow, lulled into a reverie by the carefree birdsong.

ceci n'est pas un nom d'affichage (ledge), Thursday, 3 November 2011 14:17 (six years ago) Permalink

http://www.photohistory-sussex.co.uk/UckFrisbyPiltdown03.jpg

mark s, Thursday, 3 November 2011 14:19 (six years ago) Permalink

"Searching for the Putdown Man"

ceci n'est pas un nom d'affichage (ledge), Thursday, 3 November 2011 14:21 (six years ago) Permalink

is there a real england that is incapable of any sort of assimilation into colonned literature? a planar england that resists signification or commodification by interlopers from other englands

Interesting question which I wish I could answer.

Ned Trifle X, Thursday, 3 November 2011 14:29 (six years ago) Permalink

I don't know if I would like that England even.

Ned Trifle X, Thursday, 3 November 2011 14:29 (six years ago) Permalink

is there a culture that can't be commodified? and i have to be v. v. careful not to paint my cultures, or the cultures i've drifted along the fringes of, as the only real England. the problem is that the word is usually only spoken out loud by a certain kind of cultural capitalist, whose vision of it is just as tangential as mine. bullshit about fair play and honest toil and love of the land that i'd counter with a nation of sneak thiefs, factionalists and urban wastrels. the contestedness is always part of the Reality of the nation, any nation really.

Agyness Dei (Noodle Vague), Thursday, 3 November 2011 15:39 (six years ago) Permalink

for every sleepy Sunday C of E-attending agnostic Tory there's an apocalypse-welcoming hair-splitting anabaptist

Agyness Dei (Noodle Vague), Thursday, 3 November 2011 15:41 (six years ago) Permalink

Everywhere north of Enfield is basically a wasteland isn't it? Brrrr... Nothing there. Just a man collecting lumps of mud and putting them into a cloth bag.

Glo-Vember (dog latin), Thursday, 3 November 2011 15:42 (six years ago) Permalink

yeah but the determination of that which is essential need not be a question of mere majorities

blind pele (darraghmac), Thursday, 3 November 2011 15:43 (six years ago) Permalink

everybody shd read The Uses of Literacy to see how you can constructively get this wrong in a way that doesn't just mourn real heritage centres. obv Williams and E.P. Thompson and Stuart Hall too

Agyness Dei (Noodle Vague), Thursday, 3 November 2011 15:43 (six years ago) Permalink

the determination of that which is essential need not be a question of mere majorities

quite so, how about the British Isles then as a dumping ground/refugee camp/Wild West for Europe and parts south-east, over millenia, fuelling endless negotiation and conflict over territory, and that is the quicksand underneath Real England that we think of as bedrock?

Agyness Dei (Noodle Vague), Thursday, 3 November 2011 15:46 (six years ago) Permalink

look mate there's no need to get fucking personal, alright

blind pele (darraghmac), Thursday, 3 November 2011 15:49 (six years ago) Permalink

btw if i was gonna put forward one Real England it wd be old photographs of works sports teams or outings or other ceremonial jollies

Agyness Dei (Noodle Vague), Thursday, 3 November 2011 15:49 (six years ago) Permalink

it would be the commie permawheezing mustachioed drunk one in tinker tailor, tho no doubt they'd have you b'leev it's smiley or haydon

blind pele (darraghmac), Thursday, 3 November 2011 15:52 (six years ago) Permalink

wait haydon was the commie?

Agyness Dei (Noodle Vague), Thursday, 3 November 2011 15:54 (six years ago) Permalink

SPOILERS

nah think he was the aesthete on a protest against the yanks more than anything else, wasn't the dude ciaran hinds played proper lefty in stated methods tho

blind pele (darraghmac), Thursday, 3 November 2011 15:56 (six years ago) Permalink

the sparking point of Real England is where the plummy port-swilling foxhunter runs up against the chippy millenarian work-dodger and we drink each others' health and promise ourselves deep down that one day our kind will crush theirs

Agyness Dei (Noodle Vague), Thursday, 3 November 2011 15:57 (six years ago) Permalink

the phoenicians sailed up round to albion to trade tin for spice before the romans had even got out of bed, and if they weren't trading with aboriginal pre-celt and pre-pict inhabitants, then it was certainly aboriginal+1: an island of proto-druid shopkeepers since time immaterial

stonehenge is actually a kind of cashpoint machine

mark s, Thursday, 3 November 2011 15:58 (six years ago) Permalink

xp

oh, Roy Bland. yeah Bland is the angry Puritan I've been talking about, defending his country so's his people can crush the effete Squire class one day

Agyness Dei (Noodle Vague), Thursday, 3 November 2011 15:59 (six years ago) Permalink

but mark, who's to say the aborigines hadn't hopped off the boat from Boulogne just ahead of the celts themselves and so on and so forth??

Agyness Dei (Noodle Vague), Thursday, 3 November 2011 16:00 (six years ago) Permalink

irish close to turks dna-wise iirc

blind pele (darraghmac), Thursday, 3 November 2011 16:03 (six years ago) Permalink

i think that's exactly what mark is saying, tbf

blind pele (darraghmac), Thursday, 3 November 2011 16:04 (six years ago) Permalink

Of all the Tribe of Tegumai
Who cut that figure, none remain
On Merrow Down the cuckoos cry
The silence and the sun remain

xp he's called smiley, he has to be of outlander extraction

mark s, Thursday, 3 November 2011 16:13 (six years ago) Permalink

^ I wasn't at that FAP

R. Stornoway (Tom D.), Thursday, 3 November 2011 16:34 (six years ago) Permalink

clun forest all-mercian jug band champions, tractor runs on wattle and daub

mark s, Thursday, 3 November 2011 16:34 (six years ago) Permalink

never get away with haircuts like that up in the Danelaw

Agyness Dei (Noodle Vague), Thursday, 3 November 2011 16:36 (six years ago) Permalink

Former Eastenders actress Tracy-Ann Oberman slams 'pretentious' restaurant after husband accidentally eats napkin https://t.co/iZ94MSCIuF

— Evening Standard (@standardnews) January 5, 2018

mark s, Friday, 5 January 2018 23:01 (one week ago) Permalink

This is fucking hilarious. Biblical scenes on the wright stuff today. This guy keeps ringing up calling 'sharon goodmaid a bitch'

nailed them twice here, I need to series link this show

I'm dead🤣 pic.twitter.com/ii6KUXB6PK

— Greg Eckersley (@gregecky) January 10, 2018

||||||||, Friday, 12 January 2018 16:13 (six days ago) Permalink

wtf? Is that the same guy putting on a different voice?

Whiney Houston (Tom D.), Friday, 12 January 2018 16:29 (six days ago) Permalink

lmao

i assume someone in the wright stuff production team fucking hates him (like any rational person would) and keeps putting these calls on air

pee-wee and the power men (bizarro gazzara), Friday, 12 January 2018 16:49 (six days ago) Permalink

looking at old photographs of pantomimes and imo there is a significant decline in realness levels around the late 1990s, I think this is partially b/c people start looking relatively comfortable on stage? in the older photos no-one seems to know where to look or what to do with their arms etc. all of these are from the 80s/early 90s:

https://i.imgur.com/539B82d.jpg

https://i.imgur.com/nVbp7Vy.jpg

https://i.imgur.com/Ges9zXt.jpg

https://i.imgur.com/Z3h410W.png

https://i.imgur.com/cEW5vMI.jpg

soref, Saturday, 13 January 2018 11:13 (five days ago) Permalink

lol at sad milling penguins. esp one at the front - 'are u ok hun? no neither am i'

Fizzles, Saturday, 13 January 2018 11:25 (five days ago) Permalink

What panto has penguins in it? Is there one about Scott of the Antarctic?

Whiney Houston (Tom D.), Saturday, 13 January 2018 11:29 (five days ago) Permalink

With "He's in front of you" instead of "He's behind you".

Whiney Houston (Tom D.), Saturday, 13 January 2018 11:31 (five days ago) Permalink

excellent memories of building my own little auk mask for a primary school telling of jonah and the whale. it was actually a really great mask

#TeamHailing (imago), Saturday, 13 January 2018 11:33 (five days ago) Permalink

i ran around squawking and got told off for overdoing it iirc

#TeamHailing (imago), Saturday, 13 January 2018 11:34 (five days ago) Permalink

the penguins are apparently from a 1981 production of Humpty Dumpty

soref, Saturday, 13 January 2018 11:39 (five days ago) Permalink

hahaha

#TeamHailing (imago), Saturday, 13 January 2018 11:41 (five days ago) Permalink

I was walking past a building site the other day and saw some hardcore weed exterminators, and on the side of their van it said "Himalayan Balsam Specialists". I was thinking was that the invasive plant that someone claimed drove them to commit murder, as seen on this thread last year. But no, that was Japaneses Knotweed.

Anyway, Himalayan Balsam seems a pretty badass invasive plant itself:

The largest annual plant in Britain, growing up to 2.5m high from seed in a single season. Himalayan balsam spreads quickly as it can project its seeds up to four metres. Many seeds drop into the water and contaminate land and riverbanks downstream, but the explosive nature of its seed release means it can spread upstream too.

calzino, Saturday, 13 January 2018 11:43 (five days ago) Permalink

that penguin pic is a cursed image

pee-wee and the power men (bizarro gazzara), Saturday, 13 January 2018 11:52 (five days ago) Permalink

the explosive nature of its seed release

steady on ffs

pee-wee and the power men (bizarro gazzara), Saturday, 13 January 2018 11:53 (five days ago) Permalink

Not very Real England but was on the tube yesterday and saw an ad for 'The Harley Street Fertility Fair', and i kind of preferred it when it was maypoles and wicker men, but i guess this is where we are.

Fizzles, Saturday, 13 January 2018 12:02 (five days ago) Permalink

looooool a kid just did knock-down-ginger on my door. #realengland

Fizzles, Saturday, 13 January 2018 12:02 (five days ago) Permalink

xxp
I think they might mean as in plentiful outburst or something, but for dramatic effect why not infer it actually fires cluster-bombs of death at ducks.

calzino, Saturday, 13 January 2018 12:12 (five days ago) Permalink

himalayan balsam seed pods do literally explode if you squeeze them gently when they're ripe. lots of fun showing it to kids but you know as you're doing it that you're helping the bastard thing to spread

faust apes (NickB), Saturday, 13 January 2018 13:10 (five days ago) Permalink

Aye, youtube has just taught me that Seed Dispersal by Explosion is actually a thing in the botanical world.

calzino, Saturday, 13 January 2018 13:22 (five days ago) Permalink

Sounds like an album Maconie might play.

Whiney Houston (Tom D.), Saturday, 13 January 2018 13:26 (five days ago) Permalink

phwoar eh readers?

pee-wee and the power men (bizarro gazzara), Saturday, 13 January 2018 13:27 (five days ago) Permalink

Offtopic but, I noticed Maconie's Jarrow March book is just him taking a leisurely ramble on the same route and making J Harris style social commentary about real folk with legit concerns along the way.

calzino, Saturday, 13 January 2018 13:29 (five days ago) Permalink

Gordon Bennett, well I bleedin' never, strike me guv and no mistake, I ain't never seen the likes, he's only running for mayor, gawd bless 'im ...

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/business/2018/01/16/pimlico-plumbers-charlie-mullins-run-london-mayor-common-sense/

Whiney Houston (Tom D.), Wednesday, 17 January 2018 12:48 (yesterday) Permalink

Cor blimey, not that douchebag

♫ very clever with maracas.jpg ♫ (Le Bateau Ivre), Wednesday, 17 January 2018 12:54 (yesterday) Permalink

"common sense" ticket says the man with that haircut

hell is auteur people (Noodle Vague), Wednesday, 17 January 2018 12:55 (yesterday) Permalink

It'd be fucking hilarious if he was subcontracting on shitloads of Carillion sites and got completely stiffed for a fortune. But Charlie 'as his mates in the party that will tald him they're garn daahhhn the bloody karrrzie.

calzino, Wednesday, 17 January 2018 12:57 (yesterday) Permalink

Mr Mullins dismissed any comparisons between his mayoral run and the presidential campaign of Donald Trump, who leveraged his business career into winning the US election.

“We’re nothing alike - from how he operates he’s got no common sense that I can see,” said Mr Mullins. “The only similarity is that we both have long hair.”

i'd love a longread on the process by which the phrase 'common sense' ended up becoming synonymous with wingnuttery

grim-n-gritty hooty reboot (bizarro gazzara), Wednesday, 17 January 2018 12:57 (yesterday) Permalink

Finally, someone willing to give a voice to London's corporations.

Wag1 Shree Rajneesh (ShariVari), Wednesday, 17 January 2018 12:58 (yesterday) Permalink

Mr Mullins, a leading Brexiteer.

I'm not sure this is true btw, he financed Gina Miller's Article 50 court case after all.

Whiney Houston (Tom D.), Wednesday, 17 January 2018 13:03 (yesterday) Permalink

I actually don't think the silly tosser is a complete cunt tbf.

Whiney Houston (Tom D.), Wednesday, 17 January 2018 13:03 (yesterday) Permalink

as long as he can write it off against tax I don't suppose he's bothered

hell is auteur people (Noodle Vague), Wednesday, 17 January 2018 13:04 (yesterday) Permalink

Obviously, he's a businessman, being a cunt comes with the territory.

Whiney Houston (Tom D.), Wednesday, 17 January 2018 13:05 (yesterday) Permalink

He's definitely a stout Remoaner is our Charlie, amongst many other -er words.

calzino, Wednesday, 17 January 2018 13:06 (yesterday) Permalink

To be fair to him, he is a Remainer, nevertheless with the hair of a Wellend.

I highly doubt Pimlico Plumbers will be in hock to anyone - friends who have used them report that their approach to getting paid resembles ‘card machine in the private ambulance’.

kim jong deal (suzy), Wednesday, 17 January 2018 13:07 (yesterday) Permalink

On big-time contracts with any of the Construction behemoths they often hold back payments for absolutely ages, which often leaves the smaller businesses running on fumes and racking up massive debts with suppliers. But of course Pimlico Plumbing, best fucking plumbing outfit ever and nobody fucks with them! Pay them upfront before I have to look at his melted face again!

calzino, Wednesday, 17 January 2018 13:23 (yesterday) Permalink

that hair is more 80s rod stewart than weller imo xp

faust apes (NickB), Wednesday, 17 January 2018 13:24 (yesterday) Permalink

are they any good though? feel if they're just a high-pressure cowboy chain then this gives the customer handy invisible revenge

mark s, Wednesday, 17 January 2018 13:26 (yesterday) Permalink

do you ever tune into this calz?

http://www.recognitionpr.co.uk/clients/id/21020

faust apes (NickB), Wednesday, 17 January 2018 13:28 (yesterday) Permalink

My friend J has used them a couple of times, both for emergencies and refurbs because he can’t be arsed with the hemming and hawing of local firms plus coaxing them to turn up. Good work, but ridiculously expensive.

kim jong deal (suzy), Wednesday, 17 January 2018 13:38 (yesterday) Permalink

xp
coming up: Toolbox. Well that sounds absolutely riveting! Just had a quick listen and it's basically an even more primordial Talksport with MOR playlist.

calzino, Wednesday, 17 January 2018 13:41 (yesterday) Permalink

I'd imagine what helps the PP brand is that they'll offer steady reliable daylight robbery upfront, as opposed to variable "oh dear, this will cost much more now I'm afraid guv" type practice.

calzino, Wednesday, 17 January 2018 13:46 (yesterday) Permalink

either way i can't imagine their client base are going to be his most eager voters

mark s, Wednesday, 17 January 2018 13:55 (yesterday) Permalink

that was exactly my experience with them, per my "most expensive toilet in britain" story related elsewhere in this wilderness

illegal economic migration (Tracer Hand), Wednesday, 17 January 2018 14:20 (yesterday) Permalink

Pimlico 2nd paragraph on the front/homepage

"Charlie had a vision then to remove the stigma associated with the plumbing industry i.e plumbers with bad workmanship, who turn up late, rip off the customer, driving rusty old vans, not wearing uniform and arse's hanging out their trousers."

Not sure what's worse; the idea that workmen generally have arses hanging out or did, the use of the word arses on a homepage of a business or the misplaced apostrophe.

piscesx, Wednesday, 17 January 2018 15:06 (yesterday) Permalink

Not quite the leader of the free world calling some countries shitholes but not that far off it.

Whiney Houston (Tom D.), Wednesday, 17 January 2018 15:50 (yesterday) Permalink

When I was doing my electrical qualifications, there used to be an asbestos awareness poster in the corridor that said something like: x amount of Plumbers die from Mesothelioma every year. And some leccy wag had defaced it with: and they were all shite.

calzino, Wednesday, 17 January 2018 16:09 (yesterday) Permalink

The lecturer whose job it was to impress the importance of us having some level of scientific competence, like transposing power equations and ohm's law and all that shit. He used always say: if you are too thick to learn this stuff, you might as well fuck off to the mechanical side and be a plumber.

calzino, Wednesday, 17 January 2018 16:20 (yesterday) Permalink

And then walk down to London with a cat in tow and become mayor.

Whiney Houston (Tom D.), Wednesday, 17 January 2018 16:22 (yesterday) Permalink

http://www.worcesternews.co.uk/resources/images/3435089/

'ere we are puss, where the streets are paved wiv gold and the tradespeople walk around with their arses hangin out ov their traaaasers

faust apes (NickB), Wednesday, 17 January 2018 16:27 (yesterday) Permalink


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