When do you say you are "in love"?

Extra credit: it makes all sorts of sense, none of it good. But a billion people before you have...

I tend to draw the boundaries pretty wide - anything from the giddiest infatuation to the deepest tenderest many-decade bond seems part of the same spectrum to me (haha it's like 'indie') (except better)

and a large part of the 'am i ready to start a relationship with this person' question is based in trust - ie can we trust each other to grow in a healthy way as we change, both as a result of this relationship and as a result of whatever else happens in our separate lives? usually the answer to that question is 'reply hazy, ask again later,' but if the haziness is more reassuring than anxiety-inducing that's a pretty good sign.

oh god whenever i start talking about this i feel like i'm being a relationship pedant, and i hate those kind of people.

I'm thinking increasingly that what I really want is to form a love relationship with her, despite my doubts about not quite feeling in love. As long as I don't pretend to feel more than I do, I think that should work out okay.

Once or twice spats led to something more. The joys of tension.

almost all of my relationships started this way

The lesson: Don't get too far ahead of the other person. And don't wait to long to say anything. Don't let the moment pass. And don't read "Veinte Poemas de Amor y un Cancion Desesperada" until you are 18.

The sleepless nights - the daily fights
The quick toboggan - when you reach the heights
I miss the kisses - and I miss the bites
I wish I were in love again

The broken dates - the endless waits
The lovely loving - and the hateful hates
The conversation - with the flying plates
I wish I were in love again

No more pain - no more strain
Now I'm sane - but I would rather be ga ga

The pulled out fur - of cat and cur
The fine mismating - of a him and her
I've learned my lesson - but I wish I were
In love again

The furtive sigh - the blackened eye
The words: "I'll love you - 'till the day I die"
The self deception - that believes the lie
I wish I were in love again

When love congeals - it soon reveals
The faint aroma - of performing seals
The double-crossing - of a pair of heels
I wish I were in love again

No, more care - no, despair
I'm all there now - but I'd rather be punch drunk

Believe me sir - I much prefer
The classic battle - of a him and her
I don't like quiet - and I wish I were
In love again

1. Passion or desire-its that addictive euphoric feeling
2. Intimacy- sharing of thoughts/actions one another
3. Commitment- ability to saty with someone through thick and thin

As the relationship continues the passion fades while intimacy and commitment grow. At least thats what the quacks reckon.

The Nipper: I don't think I buy Lorenz's version. His 'in love' doesn't look very romantic: it's full of arguments etc, like any decades-long marriage.

I’m with Aaron on the dangers of moving too fast. I once went out with a chap who was completely besotted with me. I ‘liked’ him but felt it was too early to make any major decisions (it really was) and after a couple of weeks I decided it wasn’t going to work out. But any action I was planning to take was hampered by the thought that if he appeared to love me so much, maybe I could have loved him back too….in time. I didn’t wait around to see though.

I think if you still find the person attractive in that you want to kiss them, have sex with them and still get a special buzz when you spend time with them – then the relationship’s a runner. I would say that I have only been ‘in love’ (romantic/sexual sense) once in my life. And it was great but not without its pitfalls. For some of the relationship my boyfriend and I were separated due to the fact that he was working on an overseas project. When he was away, I really resented him the love that I felt. I would get so angry with him for no justifiable reason but once we were back together I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend my time with.

Outside influences such as distance, unsuitability (like all your friends think he’s strange), personal insecurities can distract you...

This is making me sad. I think that I may be on the way to falling in love with someone again but it is so hard to know when you start thinking about it.

A friend of mine got this in a fortune cookie the other day.

'Do you love me?' = disheartening and futile question, as jess implied above.

'in love' = semi-demented acceleration/deceleration
'loving' = constant high velocity

I much prefer the latter, both as a psychological experience and as something more trustworthy. And it can grow/develop without going through the former.

N. I think that's because they're using different criteria to establish the value.

(Loving = Tarkovsky audience's answer to 'in love' haha)

In that case can we all stop diminshing purity and talk about something less disconcerting? You lot are shattering my naive expectations.

I suppose I was just hoping that someone would start to be optimistic and romantic and make sense into the bargain.

Now I'm going to have to havew a pint at lunchtime to cheer me up!

Has the love died?

the love has dies heh...

Ironically, in the course of describing to one of my friends the loss I would feel if I were to separate from a certain (happily married) person in my life now who I have had a crush on (one that is finally, mercifully, fading), I expressed myself in terms that made my friend say, "You don't just have a crush on her. You're in love with her!"

Can anyone tell me who sings the tune from the NZ TV ad for Melbourne Tourisim- "falling in love again"???

The last person I was in love with actually brought up the subject herself, after a couple of months (properly) together, at a party of all places. I was shocked and delighted, as I'd been feeling the same thing for a while and was getting to the stage when I needed to let her know. I'm quite an impatient, pushy person, and also fairly shameless, so I'm used to being the one making the move/statement. But on this occasion my heart leapt, I felt completely immersed in happiness, and there was no doubt whatsoever that I was in love.

Maybe "in love" in this case means the deepest level of love you can feel for another person - one that starts off fragile and scary but gets more meaningful, knowing, all-encompassing. Essentially when you fall in love, you've entered the portal into the ultimate realm of feeling, and that's what you're trying to put into words.

When I feel a way that feels totally different and totally unique from the way that I've ever felt about anyone else - in that this person is special and different - then I think I'm in love.

I don't *say* I'm in love until the relationship has survived its first big row.