Who would you recommend I see at Glastonbury? (other than the Wombles, obv)

How did you get a ticket at such short notice?

Fire stewarding. Some friends of a friend dropped out so I signed up on the spot, with no consideration as to whether or not it was practical to go. Which it definitely isn't.

Upt0eleven - what was it you didn't like about DJ Shadow?

Mostly that my feet hurt like fuck tbh. I didn't not enjoy it, just thought it was a bit over the top and not in an in ironic, self-aware way. The music was great but I think I might have enjoyed the spectacle of it more from further away.

Here are some rankings for acts I've seen live in the last few years.

*****
Beyonce, Elbow, Crystal Castles

****1/2
Fleet Foxes, Noisettes (MUCH more fun live than on record), Bellowhead, Katy B

****
Morrissey, Plan B, Tinie Tempah, Laura Marling, Twilight Singers, Big Audio Dynamite, Lau

***1/2
Rumer, The Low Anthem, The Vaccines, Bombay Bicycle Club, Glasvegas, The Joy Formidable, The Walkmen, The Pierces, Melanie, System 7, Show Of Hands, Fujiya & Miyaji

***
White Lies

**1/2
Friendly Fires (maybe I caught them on a bad night), Noah & the Whale, Hurts, Gruff Rhys, Guillemots

**
Kaiser Chiefs, Everything Everything

xpost
I missed the bit where the Shadowsphere took off into the crowd and started rolling over people's feet ;-)

Crystal Castles are so good live. I've got to get way from Primal Scream early to catch them.

You should see the Mighty Stornoway

I kinda feel like I should be arsed to see Morrissey, but I'm not.

Robyn is pretty much the only act I'm seriously psyched about seeing. And TVOTR if I don't end up going to Wireless.

wd totally be all about the acoustic tent for me if I was going. Suzanne Vega is a very funny performer these days. The Webb Sisters were the divine backing singers on the Leonard Cohen tour. Hear them doing "If It Be Your Will" and weep.

If Primal Scream are playing Screamadelica in order you can get away with leaving halfway through easily.

Kind of make a point of spending a bit of time at the Acoustic Tent most years, it's a good Sunday afternoon place to hang when your hangover is raging and you want to ease yourself back into the day by virtue of the awesome real ale tent nearby.

They don't do Screamadelica in order. They cunningly move the slowies to the middle so they can have Loaded and Come Together as the full-blast finale.

Awesome.

I am a bit worried about the queue situation for the late night area, can see it ending with 1x enormous queue throughout the circus field at 1am. There seem to be more late night venues everywhere else this time round though.

Despite being a bit of a Glasto-sceptic this year (the missus is going and I'm not, so sour grapes) - I am a bit sad for not seeing Screamadelica as I've been loving the reissue this year.

Everyone's a Glasto-sceptic when they're not going, it's all "hah, look, it's U2 and Coldplay, vindicated!" as if that matters.

go to U2 for the anti-U2 protests IMO

Downside is a) you won't be able to hear them because U2 will be playing music instead b) you won't be able to get near the protests because the crowd will be enormous.

bombastic pomp rock stylings will drown out the cries of protestors ARE YOU LISTENING ST. BONO???

answer: no

Weird how it's Coldplay who feel like the anachronistic headliner this year even though they'll probably get the biggest crowd.

Worst. Festival guide. Ever/

Wow you're not wrong

DON’T bring wellies

DO bring a hat

First, it will protect your face from the sun. Second, it will keep your head warm at night. And third, provided it is silly enough, your friends will be able to pick you out of a crowd. Oh, and if someone steels it off your head, it’s because they fancy you…

Get one copy editor guys!

It's so obviously written by someone who has never actually been to a festival.

With the driest May in living memory, with any luck mud will not be an issue this summer. So leave the Wellington boots on the farm and try espadrilles, flip-flops or deck shoes. That said, this is England, so perhaps pack a waterproof just in case.

Wait what if the festival is ON a farm?

Actually, forget festivals, I'm wondering if they've ever been to:

- Britain
- An environment with more than 5,000 people
- The modern world

DON'T forget to take your ticket. If you forget it, you will be unable to gain access to the festival.

That's actually good advice

better than the Telegraph's, and I'm not even a professional journalist!!!

So leave the Wellington boots on the farm and try espadrilles, flip-flops or deck shoes.

As hilarious as the farm bit is, unfortunately you don't have to tell a lot of festival-goers to wear deck shoes. Watch out for fucking Crocs as well.

I've just downloaded it and The Guide iphone app is actually pretty decent although will be completely fucking redundant by 4pm on the Friday when your battery dies.

are the wombles really embarrassing in the context of the average Glastonbury lineup

The Wombles are the ones that should be embarrassed to be appearing at the same festival as, for instance, Noah + the Whale. Not sure how many of the other bands on the bill have produced albums as good as...

http://www.tidybag.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2010/04/lp-keep-on-wombling.jpg

Picking through:

DON’T take a phone
Wha? You dumb? Take it, don't necessarily depend on it, but hey: How bad will the reception be? It's fairly open air at Glasto, it's not like being stuck down on the circle line.

DO take a pen and paper
Yeah, That's OK, leave a note at some noticeboard. Still, the mobile has more chance of finding a signal than your mates finding your note that fell off the board and is being trod into the ground.

DON'T forget swimming trunks
Um, wha? This means swimming, right? because if it gets so sunny that you want to go around in trunks you are going to get so burned...

DO wear fancy dress with caution
No. Do not wear fancy dress. Period.

DON’T try and see everything
Well, try and see everywhere.

DO see something new
Nooh, stick to exactly what you know and don't venture away from the main stage. C'mon, do people need to be told this stuff?

DON’T bring wellies
No, tell you what, bring espedrilles! They're great. And leave the wellies for mooching around farms. OK, being silly now, I'll go and check what the guide actually said.

DO bring a hat
Fuck bringing a hat. OK, yeah, actually, do.

DON’T go without the kids
Like the kids would let you go without them!

DO get some sleep
Um, better advice would be to forget the idea of getting a good night/day's sleep at all.

fucking hell that guide. plus it kind of tries to conflate tips for Edinburgh and Glastonbury... I almost want to go to Glasto now so I can point and laugh at anyone who thought turning up to a festival without a phone or wellies and instead going round wearing swimming trunks and clutching a bunch of pens would be a good idea.

Actually, re: sleep.

It doesn't matter where, or when. Nodding off at the jazz stage, or during Coldplay, or back at yr tent at 03:15, you will be zedding away and someone wearing dem wellies will walk/fall over you carrying a tray and go "oh sorry I didn't see you there"

Actually, come to think, they seem to have made the same mistake my mother made when I first went, and got it confused with Glyndebourne.

Telegraph guide to Woodstock

DO eat the brown acid.
DON'T say what F-U-C-K spells.
DON'T remember that the man next to you is your brother.
DO blow the whole thing.

Stages are usually full of sleeping bodies before 4 or 5.

DO remember you're a Womble

twitter reveals the truth.

Alexis Petridis HOLD UP EVERYONE, IT WAS AN INCREDIBLE PIECE OF SATIRE RT @guystagg: next time I will write the ironic bits in bold for you

They don't do Screamadelica in order. They cunningly move the slowies to the middle so they can have Loaded and Come Together as the full-blast finale.

also both Higher Than The Sun and Come Together are medleys of various recorded versions of the songs. this is also awesome.

Wombles should do Screamadelica

"Don't throw it, bin it"

DO piss in the stream

I've just downloaded it and The Guide iphone app is actually pretty decent although will be completely fucking redundant by 4pm on the Friday when your battery dies.

Not if you've bought one of these:

Just Mobile Gum Plus Universal Charger for iPhone and iPod

I seem to be able to get three almost complete recharges out of it.

That looks pretty useful actually, although I'm just bringing an old phone for which I have two spare batteries. Should be enough to get through.

My old phone used to last almost the whole weekend. I hope I don't spend the whole weekend on stupid apps. Kick me if I do.

Twitter was the battery killer for me last year. If I only used my phone for calls and texts I wouldn't have had to recharge it at all.