Does anyone still shop at HMV?

Not surprised.

when you eat cucumbers like chocolate bars, do you slice them up first?

that would be eating cucumbers like cucumbers

no, i try to avoid slicing things because it never ends well

do you not burp loads after eating a whole raw cucumber?

I'm literally explaining to Lex (and Mike) what bread is and how to slice it, on twitter.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is Tim Berners-Lee's dream.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vMTJo8r-ZAw

i have never burped even once after eating cucumber, no. i wasn't aware it did that to anyone. it's just water.

i've worked with a young man with autism whose favourite food treat was half a cucumber, and why not? i figure the burping thing only happens to horrible old people who insist on telling you about things that "repeat on them" and then belching

nb please nobody ever use the phrase "repeats on me" it is the vilest phrase in the english language

the seeds or the skin of cucumbers tend to make people burp a bit. also, there's an enzyme in them that only a certain percentage fo the population can taste and to those people it's abominable.

Victorians used to peel grapes too but i figure this is a case of the idle bourgeoisie needing to man the fuck up

man the fuck up and eat a cucumber

Are you making the sandwich before slicing the bread?

unsliced bread is pointless for anything bar open sandwiches and toast imo

Oh man. Go to better bakeries.

bake yr own bread, its piss easy and really fun

i love unsliced bread but if i'm making a sandwich then sliced bread is the perfect size shape and thickness

doorstep sandwiches are some barbarian shit

NOTHING to do with cooking is either "easy" or "fun" except the eating

^^^^ RONG

if i can do it, it must be easy. if i love to do it, it must be fun!

It seems I am great at slicing bread.

jesus christ lex, you cannot make a sandwich? is this a sick joke? like are you actually telling us that YOU as an ADULT HUMAN BEING cannot put, I dunno, a few slices of ham between some bread? AND YOU CAN'T MAKE TOAST?!?!?!?!??!?!

can he dance?

I've actually got my hands in my head in despair

or the other way round, i don't even know, that's how weirded out I am

Head sandwich

On a typical day, Lex, how do you not die?

on a typical die i actually find myself asking myself that at least three times. i have no idea.

Like, what have you eaten today? How do you manage to shower and wash and stuff without poisoning yourself? Do you have a driving license?

today i have eaten

- a bowl of muesli
- a pear
- brie on pumpkinseed ryvita (this went wrong btw)

i actually made myself proper coffee in the grinder my bf got me for xmas, though (this only went wrong insofar as i spilled the coffee beans everywhere, also i have no idea how much of anything to put in and i think it was way too strong and i'm kind of gibbering at my desk right now)

of course i can't fucking drive. i ran 13k yesterday though!

how...how...how...does cheese on ryvita go...wrong

To be fair, he's eating a lot more healthily than I am.

the ryvita broke as i was trying to put the cheese on and it all fell on the floor :(

he tried to do it cheese first
xxp

my beautiful thread

(Also, I missed the point when this thread on HMV became a thread on sandwiches and the life skills of the lex... what happened?)

i bought myself one of those sainsbury "cook for yourself" meals yesterday because it was reduced, it was basically like...pre-packaged ingredients except you have to use a pot instead of a microwave? that went wrong and i panicked and my housemate had to help me salvage it

every time i see this thread i think of the rahzel lyric

Check the outlets for cassettes and CD
Sam Goody, Blockbustin' up your H M V

xp because nick insists on TROLLING me about cooking

For breakfast I fried two tomatoes, some slices of chorizo, and an egg, and had it on a slice of white toast, which I had to slice lengthways from a baguette-thing that we'd used the bottom of last night for chilli-loaf.

For lunch I had a crusty roll dipped in leftover chilli from the chilli-loaf.

For dinner I'm going to make some fake oven chips and have them with frozen scampi. A lazy Friday tea.

On Wednesday night I made leeky mashed potato which we had with mustard lamb (neck fillet seasoned with ground mustard seeds; ground myself in my pestle and mortar); made a gravy with some flour, a glass of white wine, a teaspoon of mint sauce, and the juices from the lamb in the frying pan. It was amazing. (Jamie fat-tongued-cunt Oliver recipe.)

(The chilli was vege, and homemade from scratch, of course.)

No one is born with an innate cooking gene, but anyone can learn to cook if shown the right way. I struggled for years randomly throwing ingredients into pans and then having to force down the resultant slop of inconsistent parts before someone actually showed me how to chop an onion, crush a garlic clove and deseed a pepper (all of which are very easy things to do and you won't end up stabbing or setting fire to yourself in the proceeds, I promise).
Lex, really I know you're against cooking in all forms but would it hurt to maybe get a 'how to cook a bolognese' 101 off of Suzy or someone? It's really simple, requires very very little in the way of preparation and tells you a whole bunch of things on how to cook other meals. And besides, the results can be really rewarding. I'm not shitting you here.

Once I saw two neighbor kids, brothers, fighting. One of them socked the other on the arm, ran in the house and locked the back door. The other one went to the door and started beating on it, on the glass instead of the frame. Eventually his hand went through the glass and he laid down and started screaming at the blood. The mother gathered them both up and headed for the hospital. Even though the kid with the cut was beyond stupid, practically developmentally disabled, for beating on the glass instead of the door frame, he won because he got all the attention. The end.

Xposts Recipe books can be helpful, but really it's easier just to watch and learn with someone who can show you how.

I dunno, if lex is relatively healthy and hates cooking and doesn't mind his current diet, he doesn't have to learn how to cook.

dude should have taken door banging 101

my bf loves cooking and makes me seafood chowder, beef wellington, home-made pasta &c &c &c on the regular. whenever i watch him it doesn't make me think i can do it, it makes me think cooking is even more like magic than ever and i am in slight awe because i could never get the ingredients to do that, ever. also, i hate the process.

also, william c is such a fucking cunt. hope someone socks you in the face for it irl soon :)