Popstar Zombie Scenarios

CHICAGO - Tragedy was narrowly averted this week when the National Guard successfully defended the A Chicago playground against the rampaging zombie R. Kelly. Kelly, whose recent attacks on area establishments have raised old questions about pedophelia as well as persistent rumors about strange circumstances surrounding his untimely demise, entered the playground at approximately 1230 local time, while schoolchildren were eating lunch. Billy Jones, 7, suffered minor bite wounds & emotional trauma, but told reporters that "it was cool when the army guys blew up zombie R. Kelly's head."

It started to get really loud and all the other kids were getting scared! That girl Aimee who is always being the teacher's pet totally wet her pants! Then we saw what it was that was making all the noise and it was CHRISTINA AGUILERA but she was like a 100 feet tall and a ZOMBIE!

All the other kids and the teacher got really scared and ran away to get on the bus. But when they got on the bus and started to take off Christina picked the bus up and ATE IT in one gigantic gulp. Her giant yellow zombie teeth tore through the bus and crushed everybody on it.

I got mad because all my friends were on that bus! So I called out the secret launch command for BLAZOR the huge technoid battle robot hidden in the woods behind the school. Blazor rose up out of the ground and stepped through the forest, crushing trees with his humongous shiny steel feet. Blazor is made out of such strong metal that not even a hydrogen bomb can hurt him!

Blazor walked up to Christina and punched her right in the stomach so hard that she lost her balance! She fell right on the school gym and smashed it into thousands of pieces. I ran outside to see the battle close up.

Christina got back on her feet and used her zombie boobs to knock Blazor backwards. Blazor stumbled but regained control with ease. Christina tried to wrestle Blazor to the ground and almost succeeded! But then Blazor got his secret weapon, the Blazor Lasersword!

Christina tried to run away as Blazor swung the Lasersword at her, but she was too slow. The Lasersword cut her right through the stomach and she fell apart in two pieces! The schoolbus fell out of the top part and landed in the smashed gymnasium. All my friends were still alive but Aimee and the teacher were too hurt to save.

Blazor saved the day and he saved all my friends too! BLAZOR WE LOVE YOU!

Among the victims are a 10-year-old girl, a French quarter fire juggler, and Zack de la Rocha himself. What has authorities baffled is that the only visible injuries present on all the victims are four tiny stab-wounds on the necks of each, which could almost be described as "bite-marks".

You can imagine the rumors circulating about this case, but it's even more compounded by the fact that, when the police found Mr. Reznor in his home at approximately 2:30 in the afternoon, he was sound asleep in a coffin. Further, as he was dragged into the police cruiser in broad daylight for all to see, he screamed and writhed in pain and some regions of his skin actually burst into flames. Though spontaneous human combustion has occurred in the past, it seems the citizenry of New Orleans has other ideas in mind.

More on this story as it develops.

With a silver bullet? Or are you taking stakes with you just in case?

Aerosmith's 23rd studio album "Digital Pink Machinegunner" will be released May 30th. They will be touring the US during the summer in support with opening act the Steve Miller Band.

Song/Movie/video tie ins with the single "She Knows Love (When She Feels It)" with the upcoming super block buster "Napalm Hurricane" starring Bruce Willis, Martin Lawrence, Charlize Theron, & Christopher Walken.

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