Guitarists vs Everybody

It's time to go on stage, you look around, everybody else is ready to start.... except the fucking guitarist - he's got to tune up for the 8,973rd time this evening.

You finally get started, you get through the first number, the audience are starting to lok interested, you look around, everybody else is ready to start.... except the fucking guitarist - he's got to tune up for the 8,974th time this evening.

End of the second song, you're supposed to be segueing dramatically into the third but instead you just fall apart like a bunch of shambling amateurs. Why? Yes, the fucking guitarist has decided he's got to tune up for the 8,975th time this evening.

Then, halfway through the third song, one of the guitar strings breaks.... WHAT DO YOU EXPECT WHEN YOU WON'T LEAVE THE FUCKING MACHINE HEADS ALONE FOR 2 MINUTES?

Oh and now he's lost his pick.

And once you've actually got them to START playing, you then have to try to find a way of making the bastards STOP!

Yes, we all know your Marshall CAN go up to 11; but that doesn't mean it HAS to be played at 11 ALL THE TIME!

And yes, we all know you've got a new effects pedal; but do you REALLY need to use it on EVERY single song in the set? I mean, do you really think the tube-screamer-ultra-fuzz-distorto-matic is giving quite the right tone for the slow, acoustic reggae number?

The rest of the band drop down to make the music a bit atmospheric - the guitarist has to fill the space with howling waves of feedback.

The rest of the band stop to leave a dramatic hole in the music - the guitarist has to fill it with aimless widdling.

I know it's hard to grasp, but try absorbing it small stages:
1) there is not actually a legal requirement for all songs to contain an "instrumental passage";
2) "instrumental passages" do not always necessarily have to consist of one of the instruments playing a solo piece while the others back him;
3) solo pieces actually can be played on other instruments apart from just the lead guitar.

Oh and that was supposed to be a middle *8* by the way - not a middle *16* or a middle *32* or a middle *64* (and these are the arrogant gobshites who have the gall to criticise everyone else's timing?!) and that expression on the faces of the entire audience when you'd finished? No, it wasn't "awe-struck" - it was GLAZED!

so is anyone that uses paper by that logic...just one of the 12 billion things wrong with this statement - lots of people still buy vinyl, and not just so they can DJ with it (rockist purists alert!)

cant they just invent a synthetic plastic that works like vinyl - basically just something cheap that doesnt need oil? surely this can be done

But part of your plan is precisely to keep singers stupid. A lot of pop singing may be the "anyone can do it" sort, but when a singer, like Bryan Ferry for examples, stretches and actually learns his art, you say, "Oh, he was better when he didn't know what he was doing." Is that because that's what you really think, or do you just want to prevent singers from being taken seriously as real musicians rather than pop primitive idiot savants?

*I actually also play geetar too, but I gotta reprazent fo' da keys fo' really yo*

Are banjo players okay? How about koto players? Tres players?

In my experience, guitarists are more interested in learning 'licks', learning how to 'shred', and getting 'poontang' than in actually playing good innovative music.

http://bau2.uibk.ac.at/sg/python/Scripts/HolyGrail/jpgs/04-kn-2.jpg

Kybd players are just geeks unless they do prog-rock

unless? doesn't prog rock just equal geekiness (spoken from a geeky prog rock fan)

Hahahaha, that is wonderful. Drummers and bassists 4evah. Singers + guitarists are just jerks who like to quit bands whenever somebody else starts writes a damn song! Songs written by non-guitarists = 99% less wankstas, it is true.

But you forget....

http://images.amazon.com/images/P/B000001U4S.01.LZZZZZZZ.jpg

No, no, no - it's DRUMMERS who always up and leave you in the lurch (usally just after you've finally managed to get the bastard to master something which ISN'T in 4:4 bloody time).

"I'm leaving my parents' and going to move in with my girlfriend and she hasn't got room for the drumkit...."

"We're getting a flat / house of our own and there won't be room for the drumkit...."

"We're buying a new car but there won't be room for the drumkit...."

"We're having a baby so there won't be room for the drumkit...."

"I'm splitting up with my girlfriend and moving back to my parents so there won't be room for the drumkit...."

Oh and drummers and bassists are more than welcome to write songs; they just need to try to write ones which sound vaguely like the rest of the material the band's playing and not like something out of Spinal fucking Tap.

I wonder how long it will take before the guitarist notices they're not there?