ilm writes a chronological history of music from caveman times until now

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the heartbeat begat the drum

― Fritz Wollner (Fritz), Tuesday, 25 February 2003 22:01 (twenty-three years ago)

or at least the beat.

― Fritz Wollner (Fritz), Tuesday, 25 February 2003 22:01 (twenty-three years ago)

(now everyone else adds one line to move the story forward)

― Fritz Wollner (Fritz), Tuesday, 25 February 2003 22:05 (twenty-three years ago)

"hey look, i found a rock that makes a funny noise when you do THIS to it"

― jess (dubplatestyle), Tuesday, 25 February 2003 22:06 (twenty-three years ago)

Urgh the Caveman invents human beatboxing.

― Siegbran (eofor), Tuesday, 25 February 2003 22:07 (twenty-three years ago)

(pre) Frozen Caveman Lawyer invents concept of fair use, although his lifetime's version of it is different from your strange, 20th Century way of thinking.

― hstencil, Tuesday, 25 February 2003 22:08 (twenty-three years ago)

Videos invented when Balonqk make funny shadow on cave wall while whistling "Theme From Running Away From Mastodon."

Great videos invented when Balonqk (now known as "Hype Balonqk") figures out a way to make venetian blind shadows.

And Cristal is involved somehow but me don't know how.

― Neudonym, Tuesday, 25 February 2003 22:11 (twenty-three years ago)

Glitch is vaguely prefigured when early Homo Erectus amuses herself by repeatedly dropping rocks in lake.

― Aaron A., Tuesday, 25 February 2003 22:14 (twenty-three years ago)

"fart fart unga bunga bloop bloop baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaby"

― donut bitch (donut), Tuesday, 25 February 2003 22:17 (twenty-three years ago)

"ug not real punk"

― jess (dubplatestyle), Tuesday, 25 February 2003 22:18 (twenty-three years ago)

Dick Clark begins a primitive version of his music show, roughly translated as Pangea Bandstand. While television will not be developed for another few thousand years, cro-magnon Clark assembles young cave teens, forcing them to gyrate to the sounds of rocks being bashed together.

― Bruce Urquhart (Bruce Urquhart), Tuesday, 25 February 2003 22:23 (twenty-three years ago)

Yeegil constructs tiny crude mud hut. Microhouse is born.

― Neudonym, Tuesday, 25 February 2003 22:29 (twenty-three years ago)

Neanderthal#3 combines Neanderthal#1's woop n' click pattern with Neantherdal#2's grunting style = first bootleg

― stevem (blueski), Tuesday, 25 February 2003 22:33 (twenty-three years ago)

RIAA sues Googaa Nub-Nub for humming one of Yeegils melodies.

― Lynskey (Lynskey), Tuesday, 25 February 2003 22:36 (twenty-three years ago)

Neanderthal#3 becomes hugely popular prompting young Neanderthals to scream endlessly at the sight of him. Slightly older Neanderthals chase him around and fight each other for the privelege to fellate him.

― oops (Oops), Tuesday, 25 February 2003 22:38 (twenty-three years ago)

"hey look, i found a rock that makes a funny noise when you do THIS to it"
Glitch is vaguely prefigured when early Homo Erectus amuses herself by repeatedly dropping rocks in lake.

Clark assembles young cave teens, forcing them to gyrate to the sounds of rocks being bashed together.

This thread is sooo rockist.

― hstencil, Tuesday, 25 February 2003 22:38 (twenty-three years ago)

cro magnon boy, who refuses to bathe or wash hair, takes hair from wildebeest's tail, stretches taut, and saws across the string of his hunting bow. he is entranced by the rich harmonics (partly owing to poppy ingestion). boy's fondness for sound results in his being named after the loud crash heard when meteorites enter atmosphere.

― Aaron A., Tuesday, 25 February 2003 22:40 (twenty-three years ago)

(guess they waited a while before naming people back then)

― oops (Oops), Tuesday, 25 February 2003 22:43 (twenty-three years ago)

don't diss my man Sky Kerblammo!

― stevem (blueski), Tuesday, 25 February 2003 22:44 (twenty-three years ago)

keef Richards is born

― gaz (gaz), Tuesday, 25 February 2003 22:44 (twenty-three years ago)

Ug breaks up. Doug Ug goes into rehab, releases shitty solo rock-hit. NME, Rolling Stone both give it 10/10.

― Neudonym, Tuesday, 25 February 2003 22:45 (twenty-three years ago)

A Kennewick Man becomes founding-member of the hollow-head echo-sounding band, the Trilobites, but later gains real renown with a series of Mastodon acapella voicing clinics. He embarks on a world tour (Columbian Plateau Exclusive) where he develops a tremendous following (and a particularly wicked psilocybe habit) when it's revealed that Kennewick is actually an outsider who stole all his A-material from "his bro's up north". Able to retire rich on the fat of royalty checks, his ashamed eldest son, Pat, leaves home to seek out his own legacy. He drops the moniker "Kennewick" for "Boone" and disappears into the wilderness.

― christoff (christoff), Tuesday, 25 February 2003 22:48 (twenty-three years ago)

RIAA website hacked by caveman who has no concept of electricity, let alone computers.

― Lynskey (Lynskey), Tuesday, 25 February 2003 23:04 (twenty-three years ago)

and then there was kraftwerk

― Fritz Wollner (Fritz), Wednesday, 26 February 2003 00:06 (twenty-three years ago)

Bedrock jives to the singing sensation that is 'Hi-Fi'

― stevem (blueski), Wednesday, 26 February 2003 00:08 (twenty-three years ago)

This thread is sooo rockist.
Don't worry, hstencil; House music will appear...as soon as there are...um...houses. Right now, the closest they have is "Cave."

Anyhow.
-1,000,000 BC, Rachel Welch becomes the first Diva.

― Lord Custos Epsilon (Lord Custos Epsilon), Wednesday, 26 February 2003 00:15 (twenty-three years ago)

a spaceship arrives bearing black folks in tinfoil clothes. they are immediately enslaved on a massive treadmill, walking walking walking, and rhythm is invented.

― gaz (gaz), Wednesday, 26 February 2003 00:20 (twenty-three years ago)

then King Stitt's ancestah began to 'toast' as a way to encourage his colleagues on the treadmill of pain

― Millar (Millar), Wednesday, 26 February 2003 00:26 (twenty-three years ago)

around the same time, several continents away, a giant shipment of musical instruments meant for a faraway planet belonging to an alien civilization is lost, crashing into what would one day become 'Japan' where it remains buried for thousands of years

― Millar (Millar), Wednesday, 26 February 2003 00:31 (twenty-three years ago)

Noah goes goth.

― Curt1s St3ph3ns, Wednesday, 26 February 2003 00:35 (twenty-three years ago)

the aliens come looking for their instruments. upon hearing earth music they abandon any notion of sophistication, preferring the rough and immediate sound of rock.

― gaz (gaz), Wednesday, 26 February 2003 00:41 (twenty-three years ago)

except a handful of rogue aliens, who find the water's edge, go swimming, and find they like what they hear when submerged better than that land stuff.

― M Matos (M Matos), Wednesday, 26 February 2003 01:07 (twenty-three years ago)

the rock loving aliens, continually circling and worshipping the monolith, find their numbers quickly dwindling as more and more of their kind take to the water. each small chip which falls from the monolith is held up as a sign of renewed promise, yet soon discarded.

meanwhile in rome a huge debate has broken out over the parsing of one of caesar's sentences offering advice to tut.

― gaz (gaz), Wednesday, 26 February 2003 02:13 (twenty-three years ago)

Keef turns 200

― Lynskey (Lynskey), Wednesday, 26 February 2003 02:17 (twenty-three years ago)

AND WHEN HE WAS A YOUNG MAN HE LIVED IN A CONDO MADE OF STONE!

― Jonathan Williams (ex machina), Wednesday, 26 February 2003 02:18 (twenty-three years ago)

" Ug breaks up. Doug Ug goes into rehab, releases shitty solo rock-hit. NME, Rolling Stone both give it 10/10. "

" meanwhile in rome a huge debate has broken out over the parsing of one of caesar's sentences offering advice to tut "

...which still leaves the circumstances and date of birth of cavemusic criticism tellingly unspecified, thus far...

― t\'\'t (t\'\'t), Wednesday, 26 February 2003 06:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Pharoah Warholtep the First hires Loo the Reed Gatherer and JanKael the avant-garde lyre player to be his official court musicians.
The Babylonian King feels the need to form a band to counter this threat and hires the BC5.
King Darius of Persia decides he wants to join in on this action, unfortunately, he wastes thousands of gold pieces on developing an all-girl band called the Shaggs.
The noise of the Shaggs crosses the border into Macedonia, and Alexander the Great is forced to annihilate the Persian regime just to get the music to stop.

― Lord Custos Epsilon (Lord Custos Epsilon), Wednesday, 26 February 2003 16:50 (twenty-three years ago)

Stone Age arrives, NME editor Ugg Nichols attempts to rebrand it "New Rock Revolution".

I thank you.

― Dom Passantino (Dom Passantino), Wednesday, 26 February 2003 17:06 (twenty-three years ago)

Not long after, metal is discovered.

― Siegbran (eofor), Wednesday, 26 February 2003 20:00 (twenty-three years ago)

xgau disses solomon

― mitch lastnamewithheld (mitchlnw), Wednesday, 26 February 2003 20:06 (twenty-three years ago)

...which still leaves the circumstances and date of birth of cavemusic criticism tellingly unspecified, thus far...

in the beginning was the word

― gaz (gaz), Wednesday, 26 February 2003 22:19 (twenty-three years ago)

"...which still leaves the circumstances and date of birth of cavemusic criticism tellingly unspecified, thus far..."

" in the beginning was the word "

and the word was? - 'criticize'??

― t\'\'t (t\'\'t), Wednesday, 26 February 2003 23:03 (twenty-three years ago)

GOD

― gaz (gaz), Wednesday, 26 February 2003 23:08 (twenty-three years ago)

Kolan Meedrock drops stone on foot and cries, invents emo.

― Colin Meeder (Mert), Thursday, 27 February 2003 11:46 (twenty-three years ago)

Orpheus, the lyre playing supastar of stage ~~and screen~~ dies in a freak 'falling down a hole into Hell' accident. His wife Eurydice is still missing, presumed damned.

― Lord Custos Epsilon (Lord Custos Epsilon), Thursday, 27 February 2003 13:04 (twenty-three years ago)

(a short flash-forward to the present future)

in late February, 2003 AD, many an amateur and professional sound-archaeologist finds a fine item of peculiar -- presumably late-era -- cavemusic on the cd sent to them together with the then new issue of a British music mag:

CAVEMAN SPEAK, "Episode 17: Acceptance Equals Death"

― t\'\'t (t\'\'t), Thursday, 27 February 2003 16:38 (twenty-three years ago)

Damn! I wanted to point out the first band that would ever be described as "proto-punk" but it looks like I've already missed it by a couple of ice ages.

― Stewart Osborne (Stewart Osborne), Thursday, 27 February 2003 17:04 (twenty-three years ago)

troggs burn original drummer on pyre

― Fritz Wollner (Fritz), Thursday, 27 February 2003 17:08 (twenty-three years ago)

MC Genghis Khan they call me the boss
Sleighin' motherfuckas like Santa Claus
I don't got no posse got a got damn horde
Hydraulic heavy in my Chevy I don't drive no Ford
Swept all across Asia and the Russian Steppe
Did Spinderella and Salt and I'm-a lookin for Pep
And if you cross my path you know your head's gonna roll
I'm MC Genghis Khan I'm in Total Control

ch: Total! Control! [scratch] Total! Control! [scratch]

(the old school for realz. DJ Mustachioed Henchman in the hut!)

― Neudonym, Thursday, 27 February 2003 17:14 (twenty-three years ago)

two years pass...

Okay, so we got up the beginning of the middle ages...what happens next?

― Lord Custos Omicron (Lord Custos Omicron), Wednesday, 8 February 2006 10:48 (twenty years ago)

The cowbell was created.

― mark grout (mark grout), Wednesday, 8 February 2006 10:51 (twenty years ago)

Sea Shanty fever grips most of Europe

― Sororah T Massacre (blueski), Wednesday, 8 February 2006 11:41 (twenty years ago)

Captain Feathersword enthralls the children of captured parents at sea.

― ratty, Wednesday, 8 February 2006 11:52 (twenty years ago)

Knights in White Satin debuts. Is prompty beaten in joust by Knights in Damascus Steel. Sound of clashing metal gives the Duke of Halford idea for new form of bard-minstelry; which is promptly banned by Papal edict (apparently the singing gave his eminence a headache and he sayeth unto Halford "Thou art breaking the law! Breaking the law! ...Now...get me a Pain...kill...er!")

― Lord Custos Omicron (Lord Custos Omicron), Wednesday, 8 February 2006 13:46 (twenty years ago)

gregorian monks invent noise rock

― älänbänänä (alanbanana), Wednesday, 8 February 2006 15:39 (twenty years ago)

Palestrina causes major riots among Jewish extremists, mistaking the concert for a pro-Palestinian stance.

― Geir Hongro (GeirHong), Wednesday, 8 February 2006 15:42 (twenty years ago)

PMRC takes strong stance against lewd madrigals and carols.

"Sumer ist a-cumin' in? A-cumin' in what? FILTH!"

― js (honestengine), Wednesday, 8 February 2006 15:58 (twenty years ago)

Cher releases first single.

― stu (stu), Wednesday, 8 February 2006 19:24 (twenty years ago)

Polyphony comes into vogue when sloppy monk-punks realize they can't sing at the same time without fucking up.

― Whiney G. Weingarten (whineyg), Wednesday, 8 February 2006 19:48 (twenty years ago)

Marco Polo travels east. Discovers Bhangra.

Columbus Discovers America. Declares 'Horse With no Name' to be lame, boring and trite.

Martin Luther posts his Desert Island Disc list to the church door. Catholic Haytas bitch about how 'Best of' compilations don't count as 'real' albums.

― Lord Custos Omicron (Lord Custos Omicron), Wednesday, 8 February 2006 19:51 (twenty years ago)

Keith Richards born with a caul over his face. He promptly eats caul.

― Forksclovetofu (Forksclovetofu), Wednesday, 8 February 2006 20:35 (twenty years ago)

First there was nothing....

....Then there was Kool Herc.

― deej.. (deej..), Wednesday, 8 February 2006 21:13 (twenty years ago)

.... And Then Nothing Turned Itself Inside Out

― Geir Hongro (GeirHong), Wednesday, 8 February 2006 21:24 (twenty years ago)

Native Americans begin experimenting with peyote, distortion pedals.

It's Rick Jamestown, BITCH!

Witches burned in Salem, because Rev. Simon Cowell thought they were "aaaasboultely dreadful!"

― Lord Custos Omicron (Lord Custos Omicron), Thursday, 9 February 2006 19:40 (twenty years ago)

I wanna start The Rick Jamestown Massacre and follow Anton Newcome around the country.

― js (honestengine), Thursday, 9 February 2006 20:10 (twenty years ago)

The Rick Jamestown Massacre was started, and Don McLean responded by writing about "the day the music died".

― Geir Hongro (GeirHong), Thursday, 9 February 2006 22:17 (twenty years ago)

The Mighty Mighty Bosstones invent Ska.

― Curt1s St3ph3ns, Friday, 10 February 2006 00:47 (twenty years ago)

best thread ever

― Shakey Mo Collier (Shakey Mo Collier), Friday, 10 February 2006 00:53 (twenty years ago)

benjamin franklin discovers electricity. pete seeger demands he turn that crazy thing off.

― fact checking cuz (fcc), Friday, 10 February 2006 01:15 (twenty years ago)

Hütter and Schneider turns it on again.

― Geir Hongro (GeirHong), Friday, 10 February 2006 01:38 (twenty years ago)

Let's not get ahead of ourselves here. We're barely out of the 1700's yet.

After drinking too much ale at a party, George Washington takes out his fake teeth and clacks them together while doing an early version of "The Butt Dance"; On the bad side, he unintentionally invented 'dancing like an uptight white guy in public'...but on the plus side, he also intentionally invented maracas.

John Patrick Lydon, lead singer of the Lust Muskets, wows crowd of drunken Bostonians at an improptu concert on the harbor dockside. After the debut of his new composition "A Modest Proposal of Anarchie in the United Colonies, in the Key of E" The crowd became rowdy and knocked some bales of tea into the harbor. Lydon, nonplussed, demanded a huge mug of cream and two ginormous sugar cubes to go with the harbor full of tea.

― Lord Custos Omicron (Lord Custos Omicron), Friday, 10 February 2006 01:56 (twenty years ago)

beyonce knowles jefferson, a freed slave, writes the declaration of independent women.

― fact checking cuz (fcc), Friday, 10 February 2006 02:21 (twenty years ago)

Beethoven to Salieri: "If it ain't baroque, don't fix it."

― js (honestengine), Friday, 10 February 2006 03:45 (twenty years ago)

Salieri bounces right back with a brilliant retort of his own, a real zinger, but Ludwig Van ignores it, turns a deaf ear - both of 'em, in fact.

― Myonga Von Bontee (Myonga Von Bontee), Friday, 10 February 2006 06:35 (twenty years ago)

Schubert rebels against the long and complex instrumental works of Beethoven, and starts writing short songs with vocals. A true punk rebel or just a candidate for the Ivor Novello award? Hard to tell...

― Geir Hongro (GeirHong), Friday, 10 February 2006 11:32 (twenty years ago)

... I go for syphilitic ninny myself

― Dadaismus (Dada), Friday, 10 February 2006 11:36 (twenty years ago)

0- Jesus invents world, whistles in approbation
1- Adam learns to ride dinosaur, sings primitive cowboy ballad
2006- new Cat Power album evokes reaction in some who hear it
2525- robot music!

― M. V. (M.V.), Friday, 10 February 2006 17:43 (twenty years ago)

1- Adam's primative novelty hit will later chart for Was (Not Was).

― js (honestengine), Friday, 10 February 2006 18:15 (twenty years ago)

THE INDUSTRIAL REVOLUTION!
(insert joke here about Einsrutzende Neubauten working under intolerable conditions in an unsafe work environment for insultingly little pay.)

Henry Ford mass produces the first Disposable Teenybopper Popstar*. Considering he did this before the Berry Gordy invented his first beta version of Motown, Ford could smugly say "You can have any color of Teenybopper Popstar you want...as long as it's white."

Thomas Edison invents the first Peer to Peer File Trading Network. Is soon burned at the stake as a witch by a primitive tribe of proto-RIAA members.

― Lord Custos Omicron (Lord Custos Omicron), Friday, 10 February 2006 19:21 (twenty years ago)

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