Let's create the worst band EVAH!

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The plan:

Here we compile all the reasons for which we hate certain bands or musicians (without mentioning names, if possible), and at the end of the thread we'll compile all these tidbits of suckitude into one god-awful-above-all-else-that-sucks UBERSHITEBAND!

Begin.....NOW!

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Friday, 28 February 2003 21:21 (twenty-three years ago)

1. There should be lots of guitar solos. And the vocalist's antics should be easily described by the term "histrionic".

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Friday, 28 February 2003 21:25 (twenty-three years ago)

Sorry, can't work. I like the Smashing Pumpkins, dammit.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Friday, 28 February 2003 21:31 (twenty-three years ago)

Drum solos!
Bass solos!

― Jazzbo (jmcgaw), Friday, 28 February 2003 21:31 (twenty-three years ago)

they should record a song entitled "The Space Between"

― James Blount (James Blount), Friday, 28 February 2003 21:34 (twenty-three years ago)

Every album will be a double--nay, TRIPLE--LP concept album....

― teeny (teeny), Friday, 28 February 2003 21:35 (twenty-three years ago)

Critics need to say the singer is "wild," "crazy," and "unpredictable" because he smokes alot of pot and eats more Big Macs than you can after a hunger strike. Also:David Fricke must compare them to Nirvana.

― Charles McCain, Friday, 28 February 2003 21:38 (twenty-three years ago)

Sorry, can't work. I like the Smashing Pumpkins, dammit.

I do too. I meant more along the lines of "multiple-guitar-solos-per-ten-minute-song" and "sure, his voice sounds annoying to you, but dude, he's using every bit of his 6-octave range!" a la proggy stylee.

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Friday, 28 February 2003 21:39 (twenty-three years ago)

Gongs.

And the drummer has no arms.

― Curt1s St3ph3ns, Friday, 28 February 2003 21:42 (twenty-three years ago)

No, wait, make that the guitarist.

― Curt1s St3ph3ns, Friday, 28 February 2003 21:42 (twenty-three years ago)

they should record a song entitled "Let Love Rule"

― James Blount (James Blount), Friday, 28 February 2003 21:43 (twenty-three years ago)

Anoraks and parkas

― Aaron A., Friday, 28 February 2003 21:43 (twenty-three years ago)

There needs to be at least one rapping white guy in the band.

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Friday, 28 February 2003 21:44 (twenty-three years ago)

And they have to "jam" at some point in their set; for sucking purposes, "jamming" should take up at least 75% of their set.

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Friday, 28 February 2003 21:48 (twenty-three years ago)

They need a DJ that's inaudible for the entirety of a song... except during the SCRATCH SOLO.

― original bgm, Friday, 28 February 2003 21:54 (twenty-three years ago)

James Taylor leading Korn.

― Anthony Miccio (Anthony Miccio), Friday, 28 February 2003 21:58 (twenty-three years ago)

I'd pay good money to see that

― James Blount (James Blount), Friday, 28 February 2003 22:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Let's create the worst band EVAH!

too late ... it's already been done, and the band is called CREED!

― Tad (llamasfur), Friday, 28 February 2003 22:02 (twenty-three years ago)

They need a DJ that's inaudible for the entirety of a song... except during the SCRATCH SOLO.

Unnecessary turntablist is surely key!

― Aaron W (Aaron W), Friday, 28 February 2003 22:03 (twenty-three years ago)

Tad shd come and make jokes in between songs

― Millar (Millar), Friday, 28 February 2003 22:04 (twenty-three years ago)

This thread raises an interesting issue - would the worst band ever be like Creed, so utterly unmoving and mediocre and last-decade that they would ultimately be meaningless drudge, or would the worst band be more like what nickalicious is proposing, full of over-the-top masturbatory performers so in love with their own sound that they make nothing but the most massively pretentious rock imaginable?

I think A is what the worst band sounds like, and there are already millions of them, probably quite a few playing in your neighborhood tonight even.

B just sounds like King Crimson, and King Crimson is great.

― Millar (Millar), Friday, 28 February 2003 22:15 (twenty-three years ago)

Their lyrics need to focus exclusively on overwrought Christian "soul searching" and/or shameless redneck patriotic flag-waving.

Of course, both of these are predicated on the band being American.

― Shakey Mo Collier, Friday, 28 February 2003 22:21 (twenty-three years ago)

there should also be at least one child-prodigy and/or token disabled prodigy in the band.

― Shakey Mo Collier, Friday, 28 February 2003 22:22 (twenty-three years ago)

"Their lyrics need to focus exclusively on overwrought Christian "soul searching" and/or shameless redneck patriotic flag-waving." - Johnny Cash and Merle Haggard to thread

― James Blount (James Blount), Friday, 28 February 2003 22:34 (twenty-three years ago)

I was thinking more of a Jars of Clay/Ted Nugent and Damn Yankees variety... I don't consider Cash's christian stuff overwrought at all. Haggard I don't know enough of, but that Outlaws record sure is good.

― Shakey Mo Collier, Friday, 28 February 2003 22:37 (twenty-three years ago)

has Nugent ever actually injected his politics into his music? I thought he kept it to the talk show

― James Blount (James Blount), Friday, 28 February 2003 22:41 (twenty-three years ago)

Obviously it's the moves that matter and not the music

anybody who reads the Bible and likes living in America = crap musician obv.

― Millar (Millar), Friday, 28 February 2003 22:43 (twenty-three years ago)

has Nugent ever actually injected his politics into his music? I thought he kept it to the talk show

I think "Kiss My Ass" was about flag-burners or something. Classy song title from a classy guy.

― original bgm, Friday, 28 February 2003 22:54 (twenty-three years ago)

"has Nugent ever actually injected his politics into his music? I thought he kept it to the talk show "

uhm, the name of the first Damn Yankees album is "Don't Tread On Me" and features a redneck in a pick-up with an American flag... you do the math. Here's the lyrics to his classic "Kiss My Ass":
C'mon baby,
Yeah, big ol' wet one...hey!

Kiss my ass,
Kiss my ass, (c'mon, everybody ought'a)
Kiss my ass, (tastes real good)
Kiss my ass. (oh...)

Don't waste your time on me
I got my own direction
Watch me close, wait and see
I'm lookin' for perfection
I make up my own mind
And I'll leave you far behind
When the goin' gets tough
You can kiss my ass

I believe in animal rights
I let my dog hump on my shin
I can tolerate sexual choice
But not with the next of kin (uh-uh, boy)
I've heard it all before
I ain't gonna take any more
When the goin' gets tough
You can kiss my ass

Everybody!
Kiss my ass, (pucker up)
Kiss my ass
Kiss my ass
Kiss my ass, (c'mon babe)

I've heard it all before
And I ain't gonna take no more, no no
When the goin' gets tough
Kiss my ass!

I see the weenies with the dirty hair
Protestin' on the street
They condemn the clothes we wear
And the morality of what we eat, yeah
It's gotta be a fluke
They make me wanna puke
When the goin' gets tough
They can kiss my ass

Everybody gotta
Kiss my ass - C'mon gang bangers
Kiss my ass - Janet Reno
Kiss my ass - C'mon Billary
Kiss my ass - Callin' on Jesse Jackson
Kiss my ass - How about the IRS
Kiss my ass - Hey, Howard Stern
Kiss my ass - United Nations
Kiss my ass - All those Liberals
Kiss my ass - C'mon Sarah Brady
Kiss my ass - Oh, Courtney Love I've got your hole
Kiss my ass - Beavis, Butthead
Kiss my ass - How about Crips and Bloods

I've heard it all before
And we ain't gonna take it no more
When the goin' gets rough
When the goin's to tough
When the goin' gets rough

"anybody who reads the Bible and likes living in America = crap musician obv."

This is patently untrue and wasn't my point at all.

― Shakey Mo Collier, Friday, 28 February 2003 22:55 (twenty-three years ago)

What's the Nuge's problem with Beavis and Butthead??

― original bgm, Friday, 28 February 2003 23:01 (twenty-three years ago)

Great! Glad to hear it. Clarity is a good thing.

Alan N - they probably made fun of one of his videos.

― Millar (Millar), Friday, 28 February 2003 23:02 (twenty-three years ago)

They must do a Krautrock version of "If I Knew You Were Coming I'd've Baked a Cake"

― Curt1s St3ph3ns, Friday, 28 February 2003 23:02 (twenty-three years ago)

we need bono and guy-from-creed doing the arms-flung-back jesus thing together, in matching leather pants. that's really the crucial thing.

― dan (dan), Friday, 28 February 2003 23:03 (twenty-three years ago)

ray manzarek needs to be involved, clearly.

― dan (dan), Friday, 28 February 2003 23:04 (twenty-three years ago)

They should be overtly concerned with sexual politics to the point that all of their lyrics are crippled by rhetoric - and Manzarek is the most sure-fire suggestion I've seen for total unbearable craptitude.

― Millar (Millar), Friday, 28 February 2003 23:05 (twenty-three years ago)

"Great! Glad to hear it. Clarity is a good thing."

I guess I wasn't clear that it was the stilted, hamfisted, and overbearing delivery of those subjects - and not the subjects themselves - that would be appropriate contributions to the "worst band EVAH".

― Shakey Mo Collier, Friday, 28 February 2003 23:08 (twenty-three years ago)

first album has to be a rock opera with lyrics by maya angelou. this is going to be good.

― dan (dan), Friday, 28 February 2003 23:09 (twenty-three years ago)

Don Henley on drums

― James Blount (James Blount), Friday, 28 February 2003 23:09 (twenty-three years ago)

They must place Aaron Carter in a prominent Joe C-esque role.

― Curt1s St3ph3ns, Friday, 28 February 2003 23:09 (twenty-three years ago)

zack de la rocha on tambourine and slogans

― dan (dan), Friday, 28 February 2003 23:10 (twenty-three years ago)

the henley suggestion is excellent. does linda perry play guitar?

― dan (dan), Friday, 28 February 2003 23:11 (twenty-three years ago)

jello biafra needs to be involved.

― dan (dan), Friday, 28 February 2003 23:14 (twenty-three years ago)

Every band member should spend the bulk of live performance time attempting to make eye contact with the sound person and making the "turn up my monitor" gesture.

― felicity (felicity), Friday, 28 February 2003 23:18 (twenty-three years ago)

ha!

― James Blount (James Blount), Friday, 28 February 2003 23:22 (twenty-three years ago)

and between-song banter must consist of evangelical preaching of rocknroll's powers done in a blaccent.

― Yanc3y (ystrickler), Friday, 28 February 2003 23:27 (twenty-three years ago)

Jon Spencer's playing Athens real soon

― James Blount (James Blount), Friday, 28 February 2003 23:31 (twenty-three years ago)

They will have to write a song about how the press bashes them and then publicly threaten to beat the shit out of one particular journalist.

― Amateurist (amateurist), Friday, 28 February 2003 23:32 (twenty-three years ago)

"Get in the Ring" is my favorite Use Your Illusion song

― James Blount (James Blount), Friday, 28 February 2003 23:36 (twenty-three years ago)

they will encore with a twenty minute "knocking on heaven's door" with multiple extended christ poses.

― dan (dan), Friday, 28 February 2003 23:37 (twenty-three years ago)

Bob Rock produces.

Hype Williams directs the video.

― Scott Warner (thream), Friday, 28 February 2003 23:38 (twenty-three years ago)

Skipping 18 messages at this point... Click here if you want to load them all.

I'd totally buy that single. Especially if it came with mayo and bread (which I also love).

― Anthony Miccio (Anthony Miccio), Saturday, 1 March 2003 20:48 (twenty-three years ago)

they should take theit natural gifts for song craft and add useless electronic noise on it.

― anthony easton (anthony), Saturday, 1 March 2003 20:52 (twenty-three years ago)

Creed IMPROVISING.

― Anthony Miccio (Anthony Miccio), Saturday, 1 March 2003 20:56 (twenty-three years ago)

That is the ultimate recipe for a crap and mayonaise sandwich.

This phrase makes me very happy. Mr. Taylor, could I please borrow your brain for a while?

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Saturday, 1 March 2003 21:43 (twenty-three years ago)

*blushing*

well, shucks, ned.

― Mike Taylor (mjt), Sunday, 2 March 2003 00:29 (twenty-three years ago)

can they be a male-dominated band with a female bass player?

― di smith (lucylurex), Sunday, 2 March 2003 06:08 (twenty-three years ago)

Frontman must have messiah complex. Music must be imitative and bland. Must be pretentious or drowned in shlock.

― Justin Price, Sunday, 2 March 2003 07:33 (twenty-three years ago)

They should 'want to be part of the solution, not the problem'

― dave q, Sunday, 2 March 2003 13:55 (twenty-three years ago)

They do lots of cover songs and then credit the original versions to the wrong acts in interviews or elsewhere (Q: "Also, your cover of 'I Live in a Car'..." A: "Oh yeah, we've always loved Sham 69")

― Nate Patrin (Nate Patrin), Sunday, 2 March 2003 14:03 (twenty-three years ago)

The songs they cover should be much loved and respected classics, the kind of thing that mean something to peole, and they should MURDER them. Like Tori Amos' 'Me and a Gun' with a breakbeat and Slayer Samples. Heh.

What about dancers? We need people who can't dance, but think they can and who also think they can sing, but they can't.

They need to 'do a little dance', out of time to the music, while glancing furtively at the singer to see when he gets far enough from the mic to...jump in there and SHOW THE WORLD THEY HAVE THE TALENT!!!

― mei (mei), Sunday, 2 March 2003 14:12 (twenty-three years ago)

The guitar player should sound like one of those indie guitarists who brought back the riff in late 80's, early 90s. But they should have someone do, nu-metal scratching over this.

― Jon Williams (ex machina), Sunday, 2 March 2003 15:11 (twenty-three years ago)

What about dancers? We need people who can't dance, but think they can and who also think they can sing, but they can't.

and MC Hammer pants!

― Siegbran (eofor), Sunday, 2 March 2003 15:34 (twenty-three years ago)

Those should be BACKWARDS MC Hammer pants! (a'la Kriss Kross)

http://www.secondspin.com/MUZE/Music/110/117742.jpg

― original bgm, Sunday, 2 March 2003 18:26 (twenty-three years ago)

I was thinking about this about a month ago, actually.

All members need matching rattail haircuts and one has to be a fecalphiliac who insists (at the dismay of the other members) on recording and playing live his power ballad "Shitty Titties."

― Helltime Producto (Pavlik), Sunday, 2 March 2003 18:34 (twenty-three years ago)

there's a DaveSoldier/Komar&Melamid disc where they surveyed 100 or so people on what they like and then created a song from it. i can't make it the whole way through. its a big ballad fingerpicking rap number to begin with, but it mutates.

― gaz (gaz), Sunday, 2 March 2003 22:11 (twenty-three years ago)

The band should have 27 members, 23 of which do nothing but dance and make funny faces.

Also, they should all wear backwards Yankees caps, but not a one of them can wear a traditional blue Yankees cap. Has to be either bright red or electric baby blue.

And Pamela Anderson should appear in one of their videos. So should Alicia Silverstone.

In fact, Alicia Silverstone should be in the band.

― Ally (mlescaut), Sunday, 2 March 2003 22:30 (twenty-three years ago)

Alicia Silverstone can be in my band anytime.

God someone please shoot me now.

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Sunday, 2 March 2003 22:42 (twenty-three years ago)

Oh, they should also set their guitars on fire! Then the lead singer does the jesus pose and their white rappers should denounce all the songs they did on their previous album about grabbing girls' asses because they are reformed now, and then the Dali Lama should come on stage.

― Ally (mlescaut), Sunday, 2 March 2003 22:45 (twenty-three years ago)

...and then the Dali Lama should come on stage...

...at their huge tribute concert, the proceeds from which supposedly go to benefit some spiritually-enlightened-but-violently-occupied nation, when really the proceeds go to buying Bentleys and cristal and blunts for their token DJ.

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Sunday, 2 March 2003 22:52 (twenty-three years ago)

The show closes with a 20-minute climactic feedback-and-drums chaos-jam, and they walk out with their guitars/basses/keyboards leaning against their amps, and the drums in a big broken pile, with a loud rawkus "WREOWROAREURWRAOAOAR" reverberating around the suddenly-full-of-lighters-held-aloft smoke-filled stadium.

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Sunday, 2 March 2003 22:56 (twenty-three years ago)

They must be a family band who publicly endorses incest.

― Curt1s St3ph3ns, Sunday, 2 March 2003 23:03 (twenty-three years ago)

All of these ideas sound GREAT and I would totally buy the concert DVD

― Millar (Millar), Sunday, 2 March 2003 23:15 (twenty-three years ago)

A lot of loud metal guitars, screaming vocals AND a rapper.

Damn! That band already exists in several versions....
The genre is called Nu Metal....

― Geir Hongro (GeirHong), Monday, 3 March 2003 02:19 (twenty-three years ago)

All the songs need to have chimes.

― Poppy (poppy), Monday, 3 March 2003 03:29 (twenty-three years ago)

They should have songs, released in the summer, with "Summer" somewhere in the title.

― Ally (mlescaut), Monday, 3 March 2003 04:30 (twenty-three years ago)

Jools Holland on piano riff.

― William Bloody Swygart (mrswygart), Monday, 3 March 2003 12:33 (twenty-three years ago)

1) Loops of Canned 'Rock' Riffs from a $4.99 sample disc of loops.
2) 'White' Nasal Vocals exhorting their "homies" to "bite beeeatch tittie!"
3) Has worse timing than the drummer for the Shaggs
4) Accordian Solo.
5) This song is 42 minutes long and is part of a 8 suite spread over 6 disks.

― Lord Custos Epsilon (Lord Custos Epsilon), Monday, 3 March 2003 20:55 (twenty-three years ago)

this sounds like the best band in the world to me!

MY contribution -
- they have to wear waterproof anoraks and sing into the mic in the Liam Gallagher "accused" position (i.e. arms behind back looking up into the mic like a mother's tit).

- pointless "lyrics" that were obviously found in the rhyming dictionary and are mumbled into a "woahwoooaaahhbaaaabbyyystringsonfireinlifeivegotaknifepointedatyourdeaddogsheeeeweeaaad" kindof thing.

― dog latin (dog latin), Tuesday, 4 March 2003 01:49 (twenty-three years ago)

and this would be different from Oasis, how, exactly?
(I mean, besides the raincoats?)

― Lord Custos Epsilon (Lord Custos Epsilon), Tuesday, 4 March 2003 01:54 (twenty-three years ago)

Oasis? Hmmmm... Sally Kentwaite to thread!

No, Oasis were great in 1995, but they are hardly essential these days...

― Geir Hongro (GeirHong), Tuesday, 4 March 2003 02:12 (twenty-three years ago)

they could be a band from the canadian east coast with clear celtic influences....they have a violinist in the band, and the drummer knows how to play those big irish drums that you hit with a stick

Bad Ashely MacIsaac flashback . . . I will lie down and hope it passes.

and this would be different from Oasis, how, exactly?

Not at all, for my contribution.

― felicity (felicity), Tuesday, 4 March 2003 03:39 (twenty-three years ago)

they need to use the "choral" setting on their keyboards, all the time.

― di smith (lucylurex), Tuesday, 4 March 2003 03:43 (twenty-three years ago)

oh, here's something:
6) The frontman is a monstrously obese, pasty skinned boar...er, um...boor who insists on doing stripteases.
7) While doing "Death-Polka" covers of Tony Orlando and John Denver
8) 30 minutes of the set is music, the remaining 3 1.2 hours is taken up with pro-Nazi sloaganeering and bandmembers attempts to urinate on themselves.
9) They sell 3,000,000 copies of their LP, guaranteeing an ongoing career.

― Lord Custos Epsilon (Lord Custos Epsilon), Tuesday, 4 March 2003 22:23 (twenty-three years ago)

so, Mindless Self Indulgence?

― Jon Williams (ex machina), Wednesday, 5 March 2003 02:17 (twenty-three years ago)

All of their songs should start with use of the "athmosphere" sound on their keyboards.

― Geir Hongro (GeirHong), Wednesday, 5 March 2003 02:23 (twenty-three years ago)

In fact, a really bad General Midi set from a Soundblaster AWE should take care of all the drums, bass and "goblins" parts.

― Lynskey (Lynskey), Wednesday, 5 March 2003 02:34 (twenty-three years ago)

Soundblaster AWE? How about an Gravis in SB compat mode?

― Jon Williams (ex machina), Wednesday, 5 March 2003 03:49 (twenty-three years ago)

two weeks pass...

All the songs should be recorded using those noise making keyrings that were popular once.

― Jarlr'mai (jarlrmai), Tuesday, 25 March 2003 15:44 (twenty-three years ago)

-The singer's voice should sound as if he's having a crap.
-The singer should outspokenly 'fall in love' with all female teenyboppers and actresses around 30, and keep being rejected although making a media hype out of every attempt, appearing as if he's shagging all of them. At the same time.
-The videos should always show the band recording in the studio, pretending as if they're seriously making music. "This is what we do. This is our job." That might even be said to introduce the video.
-At least one of the band should be known as a fantastic dancer. They have dance routines a la Las Ketchup, and mainly focus on the dance routines.

― Tijn, Tuesday, 25 March 2003 15:55 (twenty-three years ago)

They play seven-, no eight-, no nine-, no TWENTY FIVE-STRING GUITARS. Tuned down a whole-step, obv.

There's no bassist.

The hippie hand-drummer writes 99% of their material.

The only keyboards they have in their arsenal are Yamaha DX-7s. No less than 3 keyboardists, each playing one-finger riffs a la "Cube Squared"-stylee 80s synth-pop groups.

They have to be radical left-wing propaghandists that are painfully undereducated about the causes they are attempting to champion.

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Tuesday, 25 March 2003 16:02 (twenty-three years ago)

Girlfriends playing keyboards

― girl scout heroin (iamamonkey), Tuesday, 25 March 2003 16:05 (twenty-three years ago)

they need a tuba

― Jon Williams (ex machina), Tuesday, 25 March 2003 16:08 (twenty-three years ago)

All their songs are a combination of sexual enuendo and political slogans.

― David Allen, Tuesday, 25 March 2003 17:54 (twenty-three years ago)

Even ~~better~~...uh...worse:

At least one of the band should be *known* as a fantastic dancer, but he's actually clumsy and terrible. They have dance routines a la Milli Vanilli, and mainly focus on the dance routines.

They have to be radical *right*-wing propaghandists that are painfully undereducated about the causes they are attempting to champion....like death camps for people with "innie" belly buttons, or right-handedness.

*Granmother* playing lead guitar.

All their songs are a combination of scatology and quadratic equation

― Lord Custos Epsilon (Lord Custos Epsilon), Tuesday, 25 March 2003 20:00 (twenty-three years ago)

They should sound like MAGMA + XTINA

― Jon Williams (ex machina), Tuesday, 25 March 2003 20:04 (twenty-three years ago)

They should be influenced by 10,000 Maniacs

― dave q, Tuesday, 25 March 2003 20:05 (twenty-three years ago)

The majority of their material is based off of the fibonacci sequence.

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Tuesday, 25 March 2003 20:05 (twenty-three years ago)

Girlfriends playing keyboards

Girlfriends playing "percussion"

― Jody Beth Rosen (Jody Beth Rosen), Tuesday, 25 March 2003 20:06 (twenty-three years ago)

Maraca solo!

― Jon Williams (ex machina), Tuesday, 25 March 2003 20:07 (twenty-three years ago)

One person's instrument is a nail being rubbed against a chalkboard.

― David Allen, Tuesday, 25 March 2003 20:09 (twenty-three years ago)

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