Answering Machine

My answering machine was ruined this spring when water from an upstairs apartment flooded mine. Before it broke, it had a simple message saying the caller had reached my phone number, and to leave a message. I changed it to that because I had people calling and leaving me messages about graduate school and I didn't want to scare them off. Before that, I had a message in Russian that said (in translation) "You have called (my phone number). I am not here. Leave a message." Once I started using that message the number of cockfarmers calling and hanging up after the end of the message dropped drastically, compared to when I had a similar English message.

mine says, "leave your message"

Anthony and David are tied up right know ( maybe litealrly)
If we care enough about you we just might call you back , so takes your chances and leave a message.

Mine's just a normal 'you've reached (number). Leave a message!" set to the beginning of Emerge by Fischerspooner...

When I was in college, me and my flatmates left this message: "We're not home right now, so please leave a message, and in the meantime..." Then, we broke into the 'Scooby-Scooby-Doo, where are you?' song, in its entirety (all verses, even the middle eight) with guitar accompaniment. Definitely my favorite all-time phone message. Too bad maturity and the need for employment caught up with us. :)

my mobile ansaphone message has no speaking, just east river pipe's "million, trillion". my mum rang, and left a message, saying 'whats that lovely music on your ansaphone?'

Errrmmmm... ansaphone? Maybe if I ever got off the internet long enough to actually let someone ring us, I might find out someday.

At my old flat, we used to spend a great deal of time coming up with the perfect ansaphone messages (::elevator music in background:: "Hello. You have reached hell. If you would like to sell your soul, please press 1. If you would like to commit a sin, please press 2. If you would like to speak to Satan, please press 666!!!!!") which was great amounts of fun, until invariably one of parents would get it, and complain mightily.

Tho out in the world this iz GRATE, down on paper it iz WACK: ie no words, just me whistling the Buffy themetune. Sample message left: "Mark, is that you? Stupid question. Who the FUCK else..."

An old friend of mine used to have one that went:

"Hello?..." (pause of a few seconds, during which time caller would usually go "Hi Mark, it's me, how's it going" or something along those lines. Then...

... "aaaah, you thought it was me, didn't you? Well it's not. It's the machine, please leave your message..." and so on and so forth.

Funny once, considerably less so from then on. I don't think I can ever remember having wanted to punch a recorded message in the face before.

" I can't be bothered to answer the phone right now. Leave a message if you like and I might get round to calling you back if I get round to it"

A more advanced version of that one, Matt, is what a friend of mine had:

"Hello?"

Pause.

"Who's that?"

Longer pause.

"Look, stop messing about!"

Pause.

"I'm getting fed up of this now. Just leave a message or something."

Beeeep.

Mine's your standard 'Not here, leave a mesage' but I recorded it when I had a cold in an effort to sound husky and sexy. Sad, eh.

I did one in our old house which apparently made me sound like a total Space Cadet.

But the best answer phone message is my parents', featuring my dad sounding totally terrifying by talking much too slowly and sternly and over enunciating. I think it's hilarious but he doesn't and refuses to change it.

The best answering machine message I ever had was in college. My roommates and I sang the first verse of "The Jeffersons" theme song, then *BEEP*. No names, no explanations.

A friend in high school once changed his family's message to, "Hi, you've reached the ______ residence. We're too busy being beaten by Pa to come to the phone, but once he passes out in an alcoholic haze, we'll call you right ba- Oh shit! Run, Sally Lou, RUN!!!" *BEEP* He got into a little trouble for that one.

Mine is still the standard voice mail one, with a little alteration sampled from a Kid 606 record.

"You have reached the voice mail of " - insert excruciatingly loud and painful white noise here - "Please leave a message after the beep."

A while back, I was inspired by the Dial-a-song approach as influenced by "They Might Be Giants", but soon realized the critical audience would be mostly sober, judgemental friends and associates (and the odd telemarketer) - so I stopped. But for a while I had my own 50's tv theme song... Now I just have Mariachi music interpreted on my cheesy 80's thrift store casio...

I ask b/c my friend matt has proclaimed me "king of voicemail" after hearing my latest Galaga-influenced outgoing msg, a combination of the 2 schools of thought: starts with barely caring voice - "hi, you can leave a message for tracer or lydia after the beep" then the level-start noise, a firing noise, and one galaga-getting-hit noise, off DJ Qbert's "Backsliding Turkey Kuts" breaks record. So the song goes: not care -> care. Gotcha! Tho my favorite all-time was: a recording of the boop-deep-deep error message, beeps included - "the number you have dialed, xxx-xxxx, is not in service, please hang up and try your call again. no further information is available about xxx-xxxx" repeated about 3 times and finally a beep. I think after a week I had about 1 message.

Very sensitive, the outgoing message. Especially for the more perverse of us - how do we show ourselves?

"WHEN I SAY I'M IN LOVE, YOU'D BEST BELIEVE I'M IN LOVE, L-U-V!" - Twang-twang-twang as the the song starts, music fades a bit, then the usual me-speaking...

I was not alone of the many people in the early-to-mid 1980s who thought it was so very clever to put the answering-machine part of Laurie Anderson's "O Superman" on their ugly new oversized and overpriced machines. Please forgive me, for now all I have is the basic "you've reached this number, please leave a message" spiel.

all i've learned from this thread is that british people have really unfunny outgoing messages.

When I lived in Britain I had an extract on my answering machine from a dramatised life of Jean Cocteau. Lushly-orchestrated and fruitily- voiced, it said: 'We are all passengers on a train whose destination is death. Some live in it, some play cards, and others put on eau de cologne'. The words 'eau de cologne' were pronounced in such a tragic, poised, exaggerated and fussily homosexual way that most people hung up immediately. I was forced soon afterwards to move to Paris.

i love the idea of being exiled because of the social failing of an answerphone message;)

Hi this is Jimmy The Mod and I'm screening my phone calls! Please leave a message and I'll get back to you if I want to talk to you! Thank you, bye bye.

NOT my message: the chorus to "Spiderwebs" by No Doubt.

"GET TO THE POINT!"

My local record shop has the most unfunny 'funny' phone message I've heard:

http://www.yell.com/ucs/UcsSearchAction.do;jsessionid=acarpZNcsK-g?searchType=classic&ooa=on&keywords=record+shop&companyName=&location=chertsey&x=0&y=0

(01932 569901)

My answering machine message went along the lines of - Hi u have called Belinda & Darren we are unable to get to the phone right now as there are men here trying to put us in stray jackets, as soon as one of us can escape and return home we will return your call if u leave a message cya

Awesome. Did you manage to escape then, or did you type that with your nose?

When I had too much time, I made "creative" outgoing messages on my answering machine. One included playing the Beastie Boys' "Dropping Names" part starting with the slow rolling bass line and this lyric:

"If your world was all black and if your world was all white
Then you wouldn't get much color out of life now right
Nicknamed Shamrock my name is not Shamus
Girlies on the tippy cause my homie is famous
My name is not O'Houigheighi Nor is it Brian"

Then the music came to a complete halt and I said, "Uh, actually, it is Brian."

The next sample was the Beasties chanting "No Way!" from "Fight For Your Rigth To Party" and then I screamed over the guitar thrashing, "Yes way! Leave a message!"

Another one that I liked but it was even longer...

There's this old band called Widow that was an early Satanic metal band, so early it was at a time that Satanic metal bands sounded essentially like standard classic rock and not menacing in the slightest. They had a song in particular that I had on some ridiculous metal compilation on vinyl (and still do!) called "Come To The Sabbat" (turns out, it was the band's signature cut).

The music had way-too upbeat organ bleating and fucking flutes like an "evil" Jethro Tull (and way before the pagan folk metal revival, so maybe they should get props) and was generally happy. You listened and imagined leprachauns and Disney characters smiling as they marched along to the Sabbat. I played this and the lyrics, including the refrain that was repeated many, many times:

"Discard your clothes and come on foot,
Through streams and fields and moonlit moors,
Your bodies soaked in secret oils,
Perfumed herbs will heal your sores.
Join me in my search for power.
Wives and husbands bring your kin.
We'll be as one within the hour.
Let the Sabbat now begin...

Come, come, come to the Sabbat.
Come to the Sabbat - Satan's there!
Come, come, come to the Sabbat.
Come to the Sabbat - Satan's there!
Come, come, come to the Sabbat.
Come to the Sabbat - Satan's there!
Come, come, come to the Sabbat.
Come to the Sabbat - Satan's there!
Come, come, come to the Sabbat.
Come to the Sabbat - Satan's there!

That is, as I said, repeated many, many times... It built into this ridiculous crescendo of laughable intensity until the drums and, er, flutes kicked back in. At which point I said, "Hi, this is Brian. I'm not home right now, I'm at the Sabbat with my good pal Satan! So leave a message and I'll return it when I get back."

I had a Christian roommate who called my machine and thought I did that all to piss her off.

Fortunately for all who call me now, it currently simply says in my best just-woke-up-so-I-sound-like-Lou-Rawls voice who I am and to leave a message or try my cell.

this is a good time to find stray jackets. get em while the gettins good!

"You've reached XXX-XXXX. We can't come to the phone right now, so please leave your name and number at the tone."

(The message begins with me about four feet from the mic and ends with me about an inch away. I can't help it. At least I don't produce my greetings at the radio station anymore.)

hi we are at home but are avoiding someone, if you leave your name and number and we dont get back to you, its you, cheers

my friend luc used to have this:
"A squid eating dough out of a polyethylene bag, it's fast n bulbous, got me?"
that put off the double glazing vendors

Small town's got its vices.

I have the opening dialouge from Ironman by ghostface killah (I think taken from the movie fresh) i.e. "What you doing on our turf, punk" "I got a message for smokey" but I recorded it in my car with it on blast so it hurts people's ears when they get it, I get complaints a few times a week, but its not like I ever call my own phone or anything.