Jimmy Guttermans 33 Rules of Bad Music Making, part 1: Lets Prove Jimmy Wrong.

Gillian Welch

4. Rock-and-roll songs with an orchestral choir are bound to be horrible.

Faith No More's "King for a Day"

7. Supergroups never are.

Praxis you stupid fucker

8. Rock stars are not actors.

Jack Black

9. Actors are not rock stars.

Jack Black

13. Do Not Go to Art School

TALKING FUCKING HEADS ASSHOLE

20. Videos are commercials.

Pearl Jam's "Do the Evolution"

24. Do not hang out with Jeff Lynne or Dave Stewart.

George Harrison (RIP Georgy, I love ya)

25. Cult artists are frequently just as boring and predictable as mainstream ones.

F. I. S. H. B. O. N. E.

31. Psychedelic lyrics never ring true after you've come down.

"Across the Universe"

32. Do not record cover versions of Motown or Stax/Volt hits.

"Take Me to the River"

Okay, I feel much better now.

Patti Smith and Anthony Braxton recorded for Arista.

Admit you're balding.

I'm losing my hair...to better looking kids...with better ideas...and more talent...but they're really, really nice.

This is a non-sequitir.

Neither is formidable hair. (Exception: Little Richard.)

Wait...Little Richard is art rock?

joe: yes, sorta. but RISD (where the T-Heads went) is an art school in any country.

1) Do not retain a band's name if the most important member(s) has left the group. Does anybody (even Pete Townshend) really like anything the Who have recorded since Keith Moon died in 1978? The Allman Brothers are a possible exception to this rule. Also, the "most important member" status of Keith Moon is questionable. And I like "Eminence Front".
2) Do not sing a song about Elvis, especially if you have never been in a recording studio before. Mojo Nixon?
3) Do not record for Arista Records. That might have been true in the late '80s. Less than a decade later, it was slightly less so. (also feel free to sub Pink or Avril or whoever)
4) Rock-and-roll songs with an orchestral choir are bound to be horrible. This is just me, but I lurve the Alan Parsons Project's "Breakdown". I'm pretty sure Jimmy the Rockabilly Purist would loathe it, though, so I don't think I'd reverse his conviction here.
5) Rock lyrics are not poetry... I don't want to bring up the ILM-unfriendly spectres of Dylan and Springsteen, but suffice it to say that lyrics can at least be poetic.
6) The quality of a rock-and-roll song is inversely proportional to the number of instruments on it. P-FUNK, YOU ASSCLOWN
7) Supergroups never are. Led Zeppelin isn't that bad.
8) Rock stars are not actors. Tom Waits.
9) Actors are not rock stars. Spinal Tap.
10) White rock-and-roll stars who talk about their R&B roots are probably lying. Similarly, anyone born after April 1954 who records at the Sun Studio is a poseur. Why doesn't he just replace all this with "I HATE U2", since that's obviously what he's getting at?

12) Elvis is dead. Oh.
13) Do Not Go to Art School. What nickalicious said. See also: WIRE, GODDAMMIT.
14) The more controversial the cause embraced, the more likely the star may actually be committed to it. Like David Bowie's "Hitler wasn't too bad" cause?
15) Whatever you do, Jerry Lee Lewis (or GG Allin) has already done it. Probably better, too. Tell that to R. Kelly.
16) A list is not a song. "FREAKY TALES"!

25) Cult artists are frequently just as boring and predictable as mainstream ones. This is also called the Robyn Hitchcock rule. Oh for fuck's sake.
26) Heavy Metal should be fast. "Sweet Child O' Mine" isn't all that fast.
27) Punk Happened. (Note Tense.) How soon after this list's publication was Nevermind released?

28) Do not record cover versions of Motown or Stax/Volt hits.
Hear that, Aretha? Your cover of Otis Redding's "Respect" is BAD MUSIC.

Oddly enough, #33 is one of the truest things I've ever read.

not a Motown or a Stax/Volt hit

Wasn't Let It Be about Paul McCartney's mother? That song wasn't too bad.

Do not retain a band's name if the most important member(s) has left the group.

The Supremes were quite respectable after Diana Ross left IMO.

Do Not Go to Art School

Just about all the British scenesters in the 60s and 70s met and formed their groups with their art school connections.

Do not record cover versions of Motown or Stax/Volt hits

Did anyone NOT like the disco version of "Knock on Wood"? Come on!

-Hear that, Aretha? Your cover of Otis Redding's "Respect" is BAD MUSIC.

The writer probably wasn't including inter-label covers...both Aretha and Otis were on Atlantic. At least, I'm hoping for his sake that's what he meant, because some Atlantic/Atlantic and Motown/Motown covers ended up being some of the best songs of all time.

the slits, "i heard it through the grapevine"

Find a counterexample? He did all the work for us.

Guterman's book on Jerry Lee Lewis, "Rocking My Life Away," is terrific and I recommend it highly. And you can read it on his website, if I'm not mistaken. The two "list books" I didn't like much. The "Worst Records" book has a shrill tone of condescenion and humorlessness, even if most of the records included *are* awful. George Grimac and Pat Reeder wrote a much better version of that type of book with "Hollywood Hi Fi."