The UK Top 40, 18/4/04

Album Chart Notes: Do you reckon Radio 1 might be regretting tacking the album chart onto the top 40? There’s lots of climbers, yes, which means I get to hear ‘Harder To Breathe’ again (Maroon 5 go up 22 to #7 for some stupid reason), but our one new entry is Diana Krall at #4. They don’t play anything off it. And goodness knows TOTP haven’t a clue what to do with the album chart – sometimes they ignore it, sometimes they show the top 10, sometimes they only show the new entries, and sometimes, like this week, they show the top 5. Thus, our parents do smite us all, or something.

They do play Usher’s new single. He’s the male Beyonce, but possibly even more pointless.

Guns ‘n’ Roses are #1. They play… ‘Live and Let Die’. Anticlimax now.

But, on a brighter note, the Scissor Sisters album has somehow got to #5. Do they play anything off it? Do they fuck.

New entries outside the top 20: Martin Solveig #35 (fantastic French disco house, smooth and loud and altogether far too good to be this far down the chart); Beta Band #31 (ooh, this week is looking up – Betas go a bit drone, bit time-changey, like what life inside a Spiritualised fan’s head must sound like when they’re in a reasonable mood – eh, I like it, possibly because I only bought my current pair of glasses cos when I put them on in the shop I thought they made me look a bit like Steve Mason. I was 16 at the time. My hair was shorter. Shut up); Bellefire #26 (it’s been a while since I’ve been able to describe something as ‘The Corrs, but worse’. Now is the time); Dido #25 (like anyone gives a shit); and Snow Patrol #24 (Not the new Coldplay, but rather the new Doves. ‘Run’ was good, this isn’t – plodding drums that go nowhere, very much like Doves’ ‘Pounding’, and roughly as rubbish).

There is a jingle for Colin & Edith then the DVD chart. There is much tedious bigging up of Eamon and several interviews that are way too long and it graaaates. Need tunes. Preferably good.

THE UK TOP 20: CROSS THEM FINGERS

20) BRITNEY SPEARS – Toxic

So this is a pretty good start, yeah.

19) BEYONCE KNOWLES ft. LI’L FLIP – Naughty Girl

Oh dear. Li’l Flip ‘flows’ all over the intro in a distinctly tacked on manner. Beyonce informs that she is feeling “sex-yyyyyy,” just in case she’s being a bit too subtle. Said it before, saying it again – Ashanti, but taller, and without Ja Rule. And here’s Li’l Flip again. Why? Apparently Dangerously In Love contains four decent songs. I refuse to believe this.

They’re having a competition to win a framed, signed copy of Eamon’s album. Eamon has done a jingle for it. It is rubbish. Odd a criticism as it might sound, he really can’t read phone numbers.

18) HILARY DUFF – Come Clean (NEW ENTRY)

Annoyingly, considering how irritating Hilary Duff generally is, this is sort of OK. It’s a peculiarly European-sounding take on Avwiw-esque mid-tempo FM rockery. She sings like she’s about 12 – her voice does sound very strained somehow, like she’s a bit dazed or something. Nothing great, but an acceptable way to pass the time.

17) N.E.R.D. – She Wants To Move

Wes cuts into this about halfway to tell us where Radio 1’s listeners think Eamon will chart. No-one gone for #1 yet. How very peculiar, eh?

16) BLUE – Breathe Easy

Possibly splitting. Hopefully soon. Ideally without ‘farewell single’.

15) JANET JACKSON – Just A Little While (NEW ENTRY)

I’ve never liked Janet Jackson. She always sounds and looks so blithering pleased with herself. I took no pleasure in her downfall post-breast-baring-incident, though, particularly considering just how scot-free Timblewimble got off. This single, however… I really don’t care. Guitar riff. Congratulations. And she’s all bloody coy and ‘hee hee hee’ and stuff, and is just generally quite irritating. There is reference to sex. Titillation. Rubbishly. No.

14) NARCOTIC THRUST – I Like It

Those of you with particularly obscure memories may remember Freeland’s ‘We Want Your Soul’ going in at #35 at some point last year, and being quite good. This is that as re-imagined by Dave Pearce. As such, it is rubbish.

13) JC CHASEZ – Blowin’ Me Up With Her Love/Some Girls (Dance With Women) (NEW ENTRY)

They play ‘Blowin’ Me Up…’ and it is fucking brilliant. The backing is all bippy and weird, the drums sound like they’re filled with sago or something, and the chorus – fuck but that is some catchy shit there. Then there’s the random tempo change verse, where it gets really, really fast and JC sounds really, really squeaky… yes, he’s better than Timberlake, and, as a plus, he’s quite good on his own too.

12) JOE ft. G-UNIT – Ride Wit U (NEW ENTRY)

Quite what G-Unit do here is debatable – Lloyd Banks probably says he has some money, and 50 Cent pops up to tell you that he’s 50 Cent – but this… this is OK, yes? It’s an R&B smoothie type thing, Joe sounds OK, and there’s nothing to really hate or love about it. He’s called Joe, and he sounds like it too. Boom boom. Possibly.

11) AGNETHA FALTSKOG – If I Ever Thought You’d Change Your Mind (NEW ENTRY)

Whether this song is any good or not is still up for debate, but for now let us just say that this really sounds nothing like anything that should be in the top 20 or anything that should have been in the top 20 for at least, ooh, twenty years or so. Agnetha is going put happiness in a box and tie it up with a yellow string, and she’s going to do it with some gently parping horns and everything. This, in short, is twee. Really, really twee. And that makes me a happy chap indeed.

10) TWISTA ft. KANYE WEST & JAMIE FOXX – Slow Jamz

Actually, it’s retro week in the charts, isn’t it? Consider – what we have here is a man famed for becoming the fastest rapper in the world 12 years ago, a man who kisses his Chaka Khan poster, and a man whose major role in the video is to walk in carrying a shitload of vinyl while looking really, really pleased with himself.

9) SPECIAL D – Come With Me

And as for this – Well, yes, it’s Scooter minus the shouting, but retaining the really fast helium-girl vocals, and bringing in a man who yells “TURN –IT-UP!” at every available opportunity. Question – what is the most recent year that this single could not have come out in? Whatever, it’s still very nice – two and a bit minutes long, and you can’t remember it at all once it’s finished. Fantastic.

8) DJ CASPER – Cha Cha Slide

Meanwhile, as Americans won’t stop pointing out, this has been around for ages. Look at you, UK, you old people. Ahhh. Perhaps we can give them Michael Portillo or something, and go, “Ah, you hate him now. We’ve been doing that for years. Ahhh.”

7) WOLFMAN ft. PETER DOHERTY – For Lovers (NEW ENTRY)

Then this comes along, and sounds like something Simon Bates might have enjoyed playing once upon a time. It’s a confused little bugger here, as it spends a lot of its time sounding like a laid-back crooning ballad, then it decides to get ‘loud’ at the end because this is on Rough Trade records and it might be sounding a bit too much like David Gray. I can’t make my mind up about it at all, but if nothing else, Doherty has definitely got the voice for this kind of thing. Interesting new direction for the Libertines? Wouldn’t bet on it…

6) McFLY – Five Colours In Her Hair

And obviously this sounds like the Monkees…

5) USHER ft. LI’L JON & LUDACRIS – Yeah

This, though, breaks the run, because obviously Usher invented the concept of people saying “Wow, he’s a great dancer” when what he’s actually doing is crab-walking while playing air-piano, which may well be very difficult, but just looks silly. Then there’s the bit where he fiddles with his cufflinks…

4) ANASTACIA – Left Outside Alone

It’s her voice, her bloody voice etc.

3) THE RASMUS – In The Shadows

If him and Amy Lee had a kid, it would actually be Bjork. Anyway – this isn’t as good as ‘Bring Me To Life’. The video makes about as much sense (think ‘Take On Me’ but with clever animation/live action juxtaposition replaced by a scullery maid), but this lacks the mighty Ev’s twists and turns, just keeping on with same ol’ same ol’ for four odd minutes. The fake ending is quite rubbish too. But other than that, it’s OK. The next group that come along sounding like this, though… I’ll probably hate them. But for now, the Rasmus, they’re half-decent enough.

2) D12 – My Band (NEW ENTRY)

You see, it is funny, cos I couldn’t give two stuffs about the other members of D12. And they don’t really do much of note on this anyhow, do they? “Hey, we gotta soundcheck!” “Man, I ain’t going to soundcheck!” The song does require you to be interested in the supposed internal politicking of D12, which I’m not, especially, but… well, this is easily the best thing D12 have ever done, and certainly the best thing Eminem’s done in years – “Specially when I drop the beat and do my acapellas!” is the first laugh-out-loud funny line he’s had in goodness knows how long. It is good, cos they are all enjoying themselves, and that comes across really well. I like.

1) EAMON – Fuck It (I Don’t Want You Back) (NEW ENTRY)

And now… First things first, this is going to be number one for absolutely ages. In the midweeks, this was selling double what D12 were, and around eight times what the #3 record (at that time, Pete Doherty) was. There will be no bigger record this year.

The record itself is far more interesting than all that though, even without the possibility that the Super Furry Animals might be the biggest band in the world now if they’d had ‘The Man Don’t Give A Fuck’ as their first single. Put simply, Eamon… is a tosser. He doesn’t sing this song, he whinges it. The lyrics are, at best, inept. You even said she was your great one? Deeeeep… simply, sympathising with the man is very tricky to do here, he’s so bloody self-absorbed. I listen to it, and imagine the target audience of hormonal dickslaps who like it cos of the swearing and the fact that hey, he’s singing about them, and he is down with them, because that girlfriend of yours is a fucking bitch, and nothing that is wrong with you is your fault, and shit.

Then I start feeling exceedingly high-horsey. Can I honestly say I have never felt that way? Is it really justifiable for me to have a go at this man for being rubbish at swearing, and just generally being a whiney prick? Is it not the case that that chorus being stupidly catchy might well have something to do with this single’s popularity? Isn’t that beat actually quite decent?

Then again, does that mean I have to like this? This song, this singer, is completely unapologetic. It doesn’t recognise that there might be something wrong with it. Wes interviews Eamon, who says he thinks the girl would be happy that the song is so popular because it’s about her. Eamon… fucking hell, eh? There’s this modern school of thought that reckons you should never listen to those who criticise you…