What ILM really is...

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http://thesurrealist.co.uk/priorart.cgi?ref=I+Love+Music

It's very very true!

By all means try with "Nu-Metal", "Glitch", "Momus" etc... :-)

― OleM (OleM), Thursday, 10 October 2002 11:41 (twenty-three years ago)

Momus is a pen! It smells a bit funny!

― Marcello Carlin, Thursday, 10 October 2002 12:00 (twenty-three years ago)

mark s is a diamond ring that hums incessantly! It hovers three feet from the ground.

― Marcello Carlin, Thursday, 10 October 2002 12:01 (twenty-three years ago)

ronan is an answering machine that's solar-powered! It has an on-board dictionary.

― Marcello Carlin, Thursday, 10 October 2002 12:01 (twenty-three years ago)

tom ewing is a television set that connects to the Internet! It induces lucid dreaming.

― Marcello Carlin, Thursday, 10 October 2002 12:02 (twenty-three years ago)

julio is a bedside table that comes in seven different colours! It tells the time and looks bigger than it really is.

― Marcello Carlin, Thursday, 10 October 2002 12:02 (twenty-three years ago)

dave q is a coffee cup that produces 240v of electricity, improves blood clotting and can be used as a metal detector.

― Marcello Carlin, Thursday, 10 October 2002 12:03 (twenty-three years ago)

michael wells is a milk carton that affixes to any flat surface! It cleans itself and helps around the home.

― michael wells (michael w.), Thursday, 10 October 2002 12:03 (twenty-three years ago)

call me self-obsessed.

― michael wells (michael w.), Thursday, 10 October 2002 12:03 (twenty-three years ago)

jess is like a normal shoe-shiner, but it detects explosives.

― Marcello Carlin, Thursday, 10 October 2002 12:03 (twenty-three years ago)

katie is a hi-fi that can go from 0 to 60mph in three seconds!

― Marcello Carlin, Thursday, 10 October 2002 12:04 (twenty-three years ago)

masonic boom is a hole-punch that fits in your pocket and is completely reversible.

― Marcello Carlin, Thursday, 10 October 2002 12:05 (twenty-three years ago)

anthony is a newly-discovered breed of fish! It extends at the touch of a button!

― Marcello Carlin, Thursday, 10 October 2002 12:05 (twenty-three years ago)

suzy is a robotic dog that sings comical songs! It has sleek curves and has a built-in motion sensor.

― Marcello Carlin, Thursday, 10 October 2002 12:06 (twenty-three years ago)

martin skidmore is an electronic implant that flashes at intervals! It kills cockroaches.

― Marcello Carlin, Thursday, 10 October 2002 12:06 (twenty-three years ago)

michael wells: call me self-obsessed

Nah, cleaning yourself is a good thing.

― OleM (OleM), Thursday, 10 October 2002 12:06 (twenty-three years ago)

nathalie is a stapler that can be programmed to perform simple tasks! It requires a sample of DNA and can extinguish fires hah! ;-)

― Marcello Carlin, Thursday, 10 October 2002 12:07 (twenty-three years ago)

josh is like a normal chainsaw, but it's inflammable.

― Marcello Carlin, Thursday, 10 October 2002 12:07 (twenty-three years ago)

mike hanle y is a jetpack that kills ants!

― Marcello Carlin, Thursday, 10 October 2002 12:08 (twenty-three years ago)

robin carmody is a rickshaw that keeps food fresh for up to eight weeks, blocks spam email and detects police sonar.

― Marcello Carlin, Thursday, 10 October 2002 12:08 (twenty-three years ago)

rainy is like a normal web page, but it does away with household drudgery.

― Marcello Carlin, Thursday, 10 October 2002 12:09 (twenty-three years ago)

david h is like a normal ornately-engraved sphere, but it looks like a digital camera.

― Marcello Carlin, Thursday, 10 October 2002 12:09 (twenty-three years ago)

tim finney is a cigarette lighter that detects evil! It emits heat.

― Marcello Carlin, Thursday, 10 October 2002 12:10 (twenty-three years ago)

sterling clover is like a normal spanner, but it runs on methane.

― Marcello Carlin, Thursday, 10 October 2002 12:10 (twenty-three years ago)

And last but not least...

Marcello Carlin is a parachute that's transparent! It records everything you say and runs on a single AA battery.

― Marcello Carlin, Thursday, 10 October 2002 12:11 (twenty-three years ago)

Marcello Carlin is CRAZY MAD! Psyche.

― sf, Thursday, 10 October 2002 13:37 (twenty-three years ago)

sf is a mattress that tells the time!

― Marcello Carlin, Thursday, 10 October 2002 13:39 (twenty-three years ago)

dr c is a shoe that's designed by Terence Conran! It is water-resistant.

― Marcello Carlin, Thursday, 10 October 2002 13:40 (twenty-three years ago)

bob zemko is a bathtub! it is also available in white!

what a FUCKING swizz.

― bob zemko (bob), Thursday, 10 October 2002 13:45 (twenty-three years ago)

''julio is a bedside table that comes in seven different colours! It tells the time and looks bigger than it really is.''

I'm a kaleidoscope. kind of like cecil taylor unit (loads of sound colours), though with them i can never tell the time (signature).

― Julio Desouza (jdesouza), Thursday, 10 October 2002 13:48 (twenty-three years ago)

cecil taylor unit is an armchair! It is made entirely of wood!

― Marcello Carlin, Thursday, 10 October 2002 13:54 (twenty-three years ago)

evan parker is like a normal coffee cup, but it remembers your personal preferences.

― Marcello Carlin, Thursday, 10 October 2002 13:55 (twenty-three years ago)

derek bailey is a greetings card that costs less than £20! It is made of solid gold and is completely waterproof.

― Marcello Carlin, Thursday, 10 October 2002 13:56 (twenty-three years ago)

(none of these people even read this board, marcello. except d. bailey obv)

zededee is a skateboard that's invisible to the naked eye and can communicate with michael wells

― zebedeez, Thursday, 10 October 2002 14:01 (twenty-three years ago)

you know, that derek bailey one's quite good actually

― bob zemko (bob), Thursday, 10 October 2002 14:08 (twenty-three years ago)

ethan padgett is a credit card that swears!

simon trife however is a fusebox that repels bees, changes colour to reflect your mood and can disable electrical hardware.

― mitch lastnamewithheld (mitchlnw), Thursday, 10 October 2002 15:04 (twenty-three years ago)

**dr c is a shoe that's designed by Terence Conran! It is water-resistant**

But of course. What else could I be?

― Dr. C (Dr. C), Thursday, 10 October 2002 15:08 (twenty-three years ago)

N. is a pager! It is powered by clockwork!

(suddenly, all is clear)

― Jeff W, Thursday, 10 October 2002 15:16 (twenty-three years ago)

Sean Carruthers is like a normal artificial limb, but it catches spiders.

― Sean Carruthers (SeanC), Thursday, 10 October 2002 15:17 (twenty-three years ago)

Ned Raggett is a pair of shoes! It can play the trumpet!

― Sean Carruthers (SeanC), Thursday, 10 October 2002 15:18 (twenty-three years ago)

dave m is a robot that does the washing up! It sorts your mail and keeps your breath fresh for up to twenty-four hours.

― Dave M. (rotten03), Thursday, 10 October 2002 15:26 (twenty-three years ago)

"Alex in NYC is like a normal pudding, but it's perfectly safe to use."

― Alex in NYC (vassifer), Thursday, 10 October 2002 15:29 (twenty-three years ago)

donut bitch is a computer monitor that sends and receives text messages and doesn't need oiling.

― donut bitch (donut), Thursday, 10 October 2002 15:32 (twenty-three years ago)

maura is a hater of fun ...

hey wait a second!!!

― maura (maura), Thursday, 10 October 2002 15:34 (twenty-three years ago)

leigh morrissey is a shopping bag that has velcro pads on the side, glows at night and hums incessantly

― leigh (leigh), Thursday, 10 October 2002 15:35 (twenty-three years ago)

blueski is like a normal breakfast cereal, but it can move faster than the speed of light.

― blueski, Thursday, 10 October 2002 15:40 (twenty-three years ago)

billy dods is a bracelet that produces hot tea or coffee!

How true

― Billy Dods (Billy Dods), Thursday, 10 October 2002 15:43 (twenty-three years ago)

Aaron Warshaw is a car! It pings when it's ready!

― Aaron W., Thursday, 10 October 2002 15:45 (twenty-three years ago)

nathalie is a stapler that can be programmed to perform simple tasks! It requires a sample of DNA and can extinguish fires hah! ;-)
They got two things right: I can (only) do simple things and secondly they included DNA! Hurrah.

― nathalie (nathalie), Thursday, 10 October 2002 15:53 (twenty-three years ago)

Jody Beth Rosen is a chocolate bar that bounces up and down and is biodegradable.

IT'S FUNNY CUZ IT'S TRUUUE!

― Jody Beth Rosen, Thursday, 10 October 2002 16:19 (twenty-three years ago)

Hey bitch, on what basis exactly do you make the assumption that i'm a matress? i think matress is a bit harsh,what does it allude to? i'm not sure. i suspect that you're actually making this up. if you knew me, you'd realise that i'm actually a ringtone set to 5, silly.

― sf, Thursday, 10 October 2002 16:32 (twenty-three years ago)

Matt C. is a security camera that stays sharp forever! Which sucks.

But check this out: mattc is a teddybear that's designed by Terence Conran, has a built-in motion sensor and floats in water. Which is true, except for the teddybear part.

― Matt C., Thursday, 10 October 2002 16:34 (twenty-three years ago)

" dr. C is like a normal personal organiser, but it plays a selection of current chart hits. "

I think that one rings more true.

I am like a normal security camera but I'm made of rubber. Allegedly.
But if only I'd chosen Ray_M as a user name instead:
"Ray_M is a wafer-thin plastic sheet! It explodes when dropped!"

Now that feels disturbingly accurate.

― Ray M (rdmanston), Thursday, 10 October 2002 16:46 (twenty-three years ago)

Christoff is either the spikey aluminum crimp left from an opened can of tuna or maybe he just carries a sack lunch to school. Best served at room temperature.

― christoff (christoff), Thursday, 10 October 2002 17:15 (twenty-three years ago)

Clarke B. is a bubble-car that removes stubborn stains! It never needs repairing.

On the other hand, Clarke is a breakfast cereal that sounds better than it looks! It is invisible to the naked eye and rotates at high speed.

― Clarke B., Thursday, 10 October 2002 18:11 (twenty-three years ago)

dave225 is like a normal key-ring, but it swears ... (true, true...)

This Thread is a strain of bacteria that will make your samurai sword obsolete! It plays MP3s.

― dave225 (Dave225), Thursday, 10 October 2002 18:30 (twenty-three years ago)

I think I found the best one:

All Music Guide is a rickshaw that runs on methane!

― Aaron W, Thursday, 10 October 2002 18:30 (twenty-three years ago)

Robert Christgau is a pudding that connects to a hearing aid! It takes high-quality digital photos.

― Jody Beth Rosen, Thursday, 10 October 2002 18:37 (twenty-three years ago)

We are all part of a WAP device that slices vegetables and tells you when it's ready.
It slices, it dices, it juliennes. Nooooowwww how much you would pay...
BUT WAIT...THERES MORE....
Its both a glue and a lubricant, a oven cleanser and a douche!

CALL NOW! CALL NOW! CALL NOW!

― Lord Custos Alpha (Lord Custos Alpha), Thursday, 10 October 2002 19:06 (twenty-three years ago)

Greil Marcus is like a normal CD player, but it loves children.

Whoa! Roll over, R Kelly...

― Daniel_Rf, Thursday, 10 October 2002 21:38 (twenty-three years ago)

Dave Marsh is a hi-fi that plays a mean game of Go! It detects evil and can pick up digital radio.

Damn straight!

― Daniel_Rf, Thursday, 10 October 2002 21:39 (twenty-three years ago)

nickn is a strain of bacteria that cleans itself!

― nickn (nickn), Friday, 11 October 2002 00:44 (twenty-three years ago)

what am i? i can't access that link from work.

― electric sound of jim (electricsound), Friday, 11 October 2002 01:26 (twenty-three years ago)

electric sound of jim is a pair of sunglasses! It costs less than £20!

arthur is a mousemat that communicates via Instant Messenger!

― Arthur (Arthur), Friday, 11 October 2002 01:33 (twenty-three years ago)

Kim is a hi-fi that never needs repairing and traps small animals.

― Kim (Kim), Friday, 11 October 2002 02:40 (twenty-three years ago)

Oh wait - I think THIS is the best one:

rockism is a screwdriver that stays exactly where you leave it! It is different every time you use it and speaks randomly-generated sentences.

― Kim (Kim), Friday, 11 October 2002 02:53 (twenty-three years ago)

Microhouse is a false moustache! It communicates with wireless devices!

Electroclash is like a normal office whiteboard, but it squirts water.

Indie rock is a human clone that's oak-panelled! It collects litter.

― Matt C., Friday, 11 October 2002 04:13 (twenty-three years ago)

Electroclash is like a normal office whiteboard, but it squirts water.

Exactly.

― Jody Beth Rosen, Friday, 11 October 2002 04:30 (twenty-three years ago)

Mark E. Smith is a business card! It is made of rubber!

― Jody Beth Rosen, Friday, 11 October 2002 04:37 (twenty-three years ago)

ilm is an ornately-engraved sphere that uses the Amazon API! It displays a slideshow of pictures and tells the time.

― Keith McD (Keith McD), Friday, 11 October 2002 04:55 (twenty-three years ago)

i love everything is an armband that can be used in zero-gravity, destroys household pests and has no moving parts.

― Keith McD (Keith McD), Friday, 11 October 2002 04:57 (twenty-three years ago)

angelo is like a normal laser printer, but explodes when dropped.

man, this'll put every shrink outta business if it catches on...

― angelo (angelo), Friday, 11 October 2002 05:28 (twenty-three years ago)

chaki is a saucepan! It improves upper-body muscle!

― chaki (chaki), Friday, 11 October 2002 07:34 (twenty-three years ago)

geordie racer is a belt buckle! It is laced with vodka!

― a-33, Friday, 11 October 2002 10:17 (twenty-three years ago)

Not to revive yesterday's thread, but I just thought you'd all like to know this:

Liam Gallagher is like a normal fishpond, but it can be taken apart and reassembled in thirty seconds; Noel Gallagher is a speaker system! It looks like an armchair!

― Matt C., Friday, 11 October 2002 18:10 (twenty-three years ago)

martin skidmore is an electronic implant that flashes at intervals! It kills cockroaches.

I am not an electronic implant, but otherwise this is all true.

― Martin Skidmore (Martin Skidmore), Saturday, 12 October 2002 11:17 (twenty-three years ago)

jel is the king of the world

― jel -- (jel), Saturday, 12 October 2002 15:01 (twenty-three years ago)

yer mum is a wrapping paper! It plays the American national anthem!

― electric sound of jim (electricsound), Saturday, 12 October 2002 20:47 (twenty-three years ago)

Michaelangelo Matos is like a normal mousemat, but it fetches help in the event of an emergency.

Douglas Wolk is a teddybear that probably won't work! It hasn't gone on any murderous rampages yet.

Sci-Fi Paul is a toothbrush that's made of solid gold! It comes with its own storage kennel and has adverts on the side.

Andy Battaglia is a WAP device that changes colour to reflect your mood!

Nabisco is a window pane that has been blessed by a priest!

Nate Patrin is a robotic dog that increases your sex appeal! It displays a slideshow of pictures.

― M Matos (M Matos), Sunday, 13 October 2002 05:19 (twenty-three years ago)

Justyn Dillingham is a sock! It has no sharp edges!

― Justyn Dillingham (Justyn Dillingham), Sunday, 13 October 2002 06:05 (twenty-three years ago)

Nate Patrin is a robotic dog that increases your sex appeal!

This sounds like the concept of a really great Parliament song.

― Nate Patrin, Sunday, 13 October 2002 13:10 (twenty-three years ago)

Yes indeed, there is wisdom in this site's words:

Kelly Jones is like a normal handheld sticking plaster, but it pushes things down staircases.

Chris Martin is a candle that hovers and moulds to fit its user.

Missy Elliot is a crematorium that runs on six little wheels! It contains the entire Encyclopaedia Britannica.

Couldn't have said it better myself!

― Daniel_Rf, Sunday, 13 October 2002 13:30 (twenty-three years ago)

Chewshabadoo is an MP3 player! It hovers!

― Chewshabadoo (Chewshabadoo), Sunday, 13 October 2002 18:04 (twenty-three years ago)

"dyson is a sock that's better than the last one! It fetches your hat."

get your own hat.

― dyson (dyson), Sunday, 13 October 2002 18:55 (twenty-three years ago)

"beck is an ironing board that moulds to fit its user, displays pornography and slices vegetables.""

― dyson (dyson), Sunday, 13 October 2002 18:56 (twenty-three years ago)

felicity is a hair gel that runs on methane, obeys simple instructions and gets +2 to kill undead.

oh my god, that's so accurate, it's creepy.

― felicity (felicity), Tuesday, 15 October 2002 09:45 (twenty-three years ago)

five years pass...

I cannot resist the shameless sixyear selfrevive... Please to excuse non-musical content.

John McCain is a rickshaw that cannot be moved! It cuts through stone as if it were butter and runs on compressed air.

Sarah Palin is a hairpiece that speaks with the voice of James Earl Jones! It blocks spam email and can bring down an elephant.

Barack Obama is a fizzy drink that sends and receives faxes! It is inflammable.

Joe Biden is a postage stamp that's also available in white and can play chess.

― anatol_merklich, Saturday, 4 October 2008 22:23 (seventeen years ago)

Shit that's brilliant.

― The More You Live The Faster You Will Die (Bimble Is Still More Goth Than You), Saturday, 4 October 2008 22:31 (seventeen years ago)

A+

― Tape Store, Saturday, 4 October 2008 22:33 (seventeen years ago)

maverickshaw

― anatol_merklich, Saturday, 4 October 2008 22:46 (seventeen years ago)

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