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Halal Dating
It is a common thing to see a white woman marrying a man from a Muslim country. A question arises as to how they met each other before their marriage? Was it a marriage arranged by their parents?
They had probably met at work and dated each other. In the past Muslims did not date because of arranged marriages. Are parents in North America going to arrange the marriages of their young children as is done in some Islamic countries?
In Islamic countries there are matrimonial brokers and agents who work to match the brides and bridegroom. Parents have the support of the community in finding spouses for their children. Relatives, networking, social gatherings particularly weddings, make arranging marriages easier. In the United States, parents are left alone and cut off from these networks.
The more educated the girl becomes, the less contented a parent feels in arranging for her marriage. African-American Muslims, as well as Arab and Asian immigrants from cultures that practice arranged marriages--are now unenthusiastic to do the same for their own children.
In an arranged marriage, a Muslim family usually investigates the prospective candidate further - talking with teachers, professors, employers, friends, family, Imams, colleagues, etc. to learn about his or her character.
It is a well-known fact that Islamic religious or cultural events are often segregated by gender? So how are the young North American Muslims supposed to meet and marry each other?
"Young American Muslims have come up with creative solutions to dating--and they fall into roughly three categories. The first group is "Strict Muslims" who date halal (in an Islamically permissible style). The second group I call "Eid Muslims," because many are not strict in practice and attend mosques only on holidays. While technically they are dating haram (unlawfully in Islam), without chaperones, they're keeping physical intimacy to a minimum and parental involvement at a maximum. The third group dates "Sex and the City"-style (definitely haram), openly and freely leading a non-Islamic lifestyle, having premarital sex sometimes in a series of monogamous relationships. " (2)
"This "Sex and the City" group consists mostly of Muslim men who date non-Muslim women. These non-Muslim women sometimes convert to Islam and marry their Muslim boyfriends. But some are unceremoniously dumped when the man's parents arrange a halal marriage. The woman's family is naturally upset at how she has been treated, resulting in a misconception that Muslim men treat women poorly. Ironically, the "Sex and the City" Muslim man can date freely without risking his standing in the community, while a Muslim woman with the same dating pattern would not only gain a bad reputation but risk losing a good arranged marriage proposal. This double standard and poor treatment of women is not endorsed by Islam but by a general patriarchy that pervades many world cultures, including America. " (3)
"Upon getting serious with a woman they're dating, though, some of these "Sex and the City" men suddenly reassert their strict Wahhabi upbringing. They insist that their girlfriends, with whom they once openly had sex, will now have to wear a cover and stay at home, and that their dating relationship was haram. A friend of mine who had such an experience broke off the engagement with the Muslim man but retained her commitment to Islam. She said many of her friends were surprised that she didn't return to the party-girl lifestyle once her Muslim fiancé was out of the picture. But she told me she is now committed to waiting to have sex again till she marries." (4)
"My friend wants to engage in halal dating--a practice gaining much popularity in the American Muslim community both among Strict Muslims and Eid Muslims. Halal dating is the first cousin of arranged marriage, with young people finding their own mates--within the guidelines of Islam--instead of their parents arranging marriages for them. Because the Qur'an advocates equality between the sexes, it does not permit premarital sex--since all the negative consequences fall upon the woman, including pregnancy, the social stigma, and the raising of the child. Premarital sex is also forbidden for other reasons, including learning to discipline oneself and practice self-control. Under Islam, when a man has sex with a woman to whom he is not married, he is being disrespectful of her, whether she is consensually participating or not. So young Muslims who engage in halal dating seek a commitment first and are vigilant about staying true to their religion." (5)
"For both Strict and Eid Muslims, couples are introduced to each other, either by parents or friends. (Less often they meet at school or in their local community.) They spend time talking over the phone or on the Internet and even going on dates, though for Strict Muslims, a chaperone is always present. Once they have decided they like each other, the couple is married under Islamic law by signing a marriage contract. This event, called the nikah, is as binding as a marriage. However, the couple is seen as engaged in most Islamic cultures and in American-Islamic culture. The signing of the agreement allows them to spend more time together. Strict Muslims still have a chaperone present and do not even hold hands." (6)
Halal dating fosters a clear understanding between the man and the woman that they are committed to marrying each other. One views the other as a life partner, not a hot prom date. Eventually they will marry in a ceremony attended by their friends and family members.
Sometimes, though, the betrothal may break up, but, because the couple was engaged in halal dating, no disgrace attaches to them. Many Muslims marry non-Muslim women who convert as a result of halal dating. Another example of halal dating that resulted in marriage is that of a divorced non-Muslimah, who met a Muslim of Pakistani descent in her medical school class. The Pakistani husband even adopted her daughter from a previous marriage.
"Islamic law itself can be fluid in matters of the heart, depending on who is wielding the gavel. Many non-Muslims see Islam as a gigantic, static monolith, when, in fact, Islam can be very dynamic. Shi'ite Muslims, for instance, sometimes use the device of muta to facilitate dating. A muta is a temporary marriage recognized under Shi'ite practice. An agreement, oral or written, is created between the man and woman, securing for the woman certain rights in the event of pregnancy or at the termination of the marriage. I recently heard of a young Muslim couple living together before their formal wedding ceremony. Their parents could not bear their children living together unmarried so they secured a muta fatwa [an Islamic legal ruling that a temporary marriage was taking place between them] for them. Their living together was then halal. "As for me, I look at it this way: Whether the use of muta is right or wrong, whether halal dating is indeed halal or not isn't the issue. In the end, we Muslims believe that God will decide, as He is the final judge of us all. " (7)
― velko, Monday, 28 December 2009 02:34 (fourteen years ago) link
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