The barbarians are at the gates

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Our lack of moat has failed to repel them, and our frequent pleas for council grants to restore our extensive network of underground caves have fallen on deaf bureaucratic ears, stuffed to the stirrup with the cotton wool of local government. From the paprapets I can anxiously see the loping forms of the wolfish local urchins, cidered up to fuck, I can almost smell the Zeppelin on their breath from here, see the Metal Gear Solid glint in their shifty eyes. They appear from the mists before melting back into them; their lean lines exuding menace. All is lost, we are beseiged and I can see no escape bar a glorious last stand, opening the gates and engaging in desperate hand-to-hand the length of our Great Hall. So my question is this, what should I scream in defiance before the tide of shite envelops me? "HELLO YOU!" Lacks a certain menace, I feel.

― Matt (Matt), Monday, 21 April 2003 10:54 (twenty-three years ago)

You're that bloke what used to write Fighting Fantasy books, aren't you? Steve Hillage.

― Pooster (pooster), Monday, 21 April 2003 12:50 (twenty-three years ago)

I'm over here in fucking AMERICA and I'm getting a "contact" high.

― Zen Clown (Zen Clown), Monday, 21 April 2003 13:08 (twenty-three years ago)

Happy Monday! Hare pies for all!

― Zen Clown (Zen Clown), Monday, 21 April 2003 14:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Mmmmyesss... Tell me, in words I can understand, how a lack of a moat can fail to repel barbarians? I mean, a real moat failing to resist someone, I can appreciate, but the non-existence of something FAILING to do something has had me running up a Boolean spiral staircase that must once have graced Maurice Escher's outside toilet. Does something that doesn't exist ever really have a function? And if so ... oh God... I'll stop. Because I know you want me to.

― Pooster (pooster), Monday, 21 April 2003 18:04 (twenty-three years ago)

Well....yes.

― Matt (Matt), Monday, 21 April 2003 22:40 (twenty-three years ago)

Well, I don’t exist, and I have a function, though I’m damned if I can remember it at the moment…

― Rex (Rex), Tuesday, 22 April 2003 05:17 (twenty-three years ago)

Is it one of these functions?

http://functions.wolfram.com/alphabeticalIndex.html

― C J (C J), Tuesday, 22 April 2003 09:21 (twenty-three years ago)

Bugger!

― C J (C J), Tuesday, 22 April 2003 09:22 (twenty-three years ago)

Barbarians are horrified of buggers.

― Zen Clown (Zen Clown), Tuesday, 22 April 2003 09:25 (twenty-three years ago)

Buggers are probably likewise as horrified of Barbarians.

― Wouldn't you like to know (Amused), Tuesday, 22 April 2003 09:36 (twenty-three years ago)

b-but what about Barbarians who are also Buggers? You know, on Saturday nights, after a bit too much to drink, when everything seems like a good idea? I hear Conan never goes out without half a pound of butter in his knapsack in case he meets anyone interesting.

― C J (C J), Tuesday, 22 April 2003 09:42 (twenty-three years ago)

Ewwwww. So now we know the secret CJ: butter is the buggerers' choice (although how you know this I really don't want to ponder too much - but don't invite me round to yours on a Saturday night because it sounds like anything goes at chez CJ). I bet that true buggering barbarians wouldn't dream of using 'I can't believe it's not butter' or 'Butterlicious' (ha!) or anything like that either. Don't even mention margarine. For the more traditional, dripping and lard perhaps? If what you say is true, then I am surprised that someone hasn't marketed 'I can't believe it's not bugger' yet.

― Wouldn't you like to know (Amused), Tuesday, 22 April 2003 13:26 (twenty-three years ago)

I bugger my bread on both sides. I know. It's messy. But hey, I'm a barbarian.

― Zen Clown (Zen Clown), Tuesday, 22 April 2003 20:49 (twenty-three years ago)

No no. You're a culinary pioneer! Coming soon on BBC 2: "Rick Stein fucks his food until it cries for mercy"

― Matt (Matt), Wednesday, 23 April 2003 02:01 (twenty-three years ago)

Ooooooooo! Food fucking! Oft times I've dreamed of it but never dared to mention it out loud. Now that this is all out in the open, I see no reason to wear trousers.

― Zen Clown (Zen Clown), Wednesday, 23 April 2003 02:40 (twenty-three years ago)

I believe that the CWA (Cucumber Womens Association) has been practising this for some time, and I have also noticed plenty of men loitering around the melon section at my local fruit & vege. I think it's more common than you'd belive Zen Clown. I'm sure there is a group of people out there who would welcome you into their shady produce laden sex den with open arms, and lashings of butter.

― Wouldn't you like to know (Amused), Wednesday, 23 April 2003 07:59 (twenty-three years ago)

Surely thats a case of food fucking us though.

A much more disturbing prospect, should food ever become sentient. Possibly through gentic engineering.

― Jarlr'mai (jarlrmai), Wednesday, 23 April 2003 08:32 (twenty-three years ago)

It depends on how you define "fucking".

― Matt (Matt), Wednesday, 23 April 2003 10:26 (twenty-three years ago)

And "gentic"

― Lynskey (Lynskey), Wednesday, 23 April 2003 16:00 (twenty-three years ago)

And "sentient".

― Zen Clown (Zen Clown), Wednesday, 23 April 2003 23:00 (twenty-three years ago)

And the last person who tried to define "us" had to be carried away on a litter, moaning feebly.

― Rex (Rex), Thursday, 24 April 2003 05:02 (twenty-three years ago)

I think this thread provides a pretty good definition for 'disturbing' though.

― Wouldn't you like to know (Amused), Thursday, 24 April 2003 14:53 (twenty-three years ago)

i don't see "how"

― Matt (Matt), Thursday, 24 April 2003 18:49 (twenty-three years ago)

Define "See"

― Lynskey (Lynskey), Thursday, 24 April 2003 22:50 (twenty-three years ago)

Archbishopric.

― Matt (Matt), Friday, 25 April 2003 09:06 (twenty-three years ago)

Archbishops attract Barbarians, you know. I, Zen Clown was a barbarian once.

We would surround those edict-issuing assholes in their funny hats in their sacred "Sees", set our torches to them and burn them alive.

Those were the days...burn and pillage...no...wait...pillage, THEN burn...yes, that's it. Oh! And rape! Yes, yes, I remember now.

Rape,pillage, burn.

It's not as much fun without the moats...

― Zen Clown (Zen Clown), Friday, 25 April 2003 23:57 (twenty-three years ago)

Steve Pillage.

― Pooster (pooster), Saturday, 26 April 2003 01:54 (twenty-three years ago)

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