Improbable History

Your papers, which were due on Friday, I will delay until Monday.

I was not able to be with you on Friday. I have been called away.

I am in Madrid. I have been invited, with handsome compensation, to deliver a lecture on the Spanish Inquisition as an antecedent to modern day game shows.

NOW.

This thread is for those who wish to learn from or contribute to;

Improbable History

We will NOT be discussing blissum or grebes or mandrills or antelopes or hovercraft or cheese or Ormskirk...

I believe I suggested that we begin at the begining.

No, no. Not the BIG BANG.

Here. On Earth. The footprints, Lucy, The rift...

Darwin vs the Pope.

I should return on Monday, unless, of course, I fall in love. In that case, I'll be back on Tuesday. Have your papers ready.

Professor Phidias P. Phosh, M.B. Pungston University

Oh dear. He might be a real professor after all. True to form, he is talking to himself.

It has been said that Jesus was a lesbian. (Mostly me, ahem.)

Archimedes caused the last Ice age through the clever use of a lever a fulcrum and a place to stand.

He later tried to correct this problem but moved Mars by mistake which killed every living thing on the planet.

To protest the cruel and unusual conditions under which he was forced to paint, Michelangelo peed on his paintings in the Sistene chapel. Frustratingly, this only added to his fame as the pee imparted a wonderful patina to the works of art.

It also led to his reputation as an incontinent old coot.

His tendancy to try to molest the guards led to the necessity of importing non-Italian speaking guards from Switzerland too.

Killer Whales were originally named after Sir Headwind Vivienne Keller.

They were named Kellers Wavales because he thought that the huge creatures riding the waves were the most beatiful thing he had ever observed.

Due to the stupidity and inability to read or write the local fishermen bastardized the name to Keller Vales.

After a shipload of these drunken fools washed up on the shore of South Hampton. The locals there took the name as being Killer Whales, knowing that the drunk fishermen spoke with a horrible accent and most likely were pronouncing the name incorrectly.

You orca be ashamed of yourself

Helen Keller was known to fondle all young males inappropriately claiming she was trying to "see" what they looked like by feeling their "heads".

Velvet was originally invented as a lining for the codpiece.

Codpieces were originally invented as a pouch in which to hide one's velveeta during the great complex molecule purge of '02.

When you encounter a cod with a piece, do what s/he says. They're fishy characters. Also, beware of cheese smuggling. Cheese smugglers are preyed upon relentlessly in prison.

Oh that's filthy... codpiece references with cheese. Gutter humour. (I was going to say it was "tasteless" but became very afraid of the way minds work around here).

The phrase "Cheese it, it's the fuzz" was first coined by the slave laborers building the great pyramid. Seeing that the Pharaoh was only 12 years old at the time and was commonly refered to as fuzznutts.

Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear
Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair.

Not sure where this came from, but it popped into my head, and I am happy to share it.

Oh, my.

I am so sorry to bring bad tidings but I have just learned that Professor Phosh was phound found in his hotel room, naked,clutching his penis, obviously quite mad, mumbling something about stuffing olives.

Obviously, his classes will have to be cancelled.

Those of you who need the electives are encouraged to enroll in Nude Ballet, administered by Phiddy's sister, Phillis Phosh.

We are accepting donations to pay for his room service bill so that the hotel will release his luggage. Why he wanted a llama and two grebes, no one knows.

Good riddance and hold your donations. Imagine - Olives found with no sign of gin and vermouth - this was no self-respecting drunk I assure you.