why it so very *wrong* to bathe in wood

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in a word, it's the peckers.

and let me tell you, pressure-filling your ear canals with hot crazy glue does nothing to keep out the tap tap tapping.

and then, just when you think it can't get any worse, some friggin' wompanoag comes along, sprinkles *embers* on you, lays in with the gouge and, before you know it, you're a birch-bark canoe. bitch.

so next time you're watching a reel of retro commercials, don't shed no stinkin' tears for that injun skimming along in his waddle-boat, surrounded by all the river trash. that's me in the friggin' bathtub. OK??

stick his damn feather in the mail to amsterdam and watch how long it takes the PO boys to show up with subpoenas, tearing your hard-drive out.

is that enuff reasons??

― hurley (hurley), Monday, 9 May 2005 18:55 (twenty-one years ago)

Hold still...very still...the squirrels will lick you clean. Unless you have been living on acorns, do not fart. It confuses them.

― Semi-Grey Elk, Monday, 9 May 2005 19:09 (twenty-one years ago)

no farting and this obscene little tub will be dead in the water. if he's wearing moccasins, they're the hardest, scratchiest, most pointy-toed moccasins i've ever had wedged under my chin.

― hurley (hurley), Monday, 9 May 2005 19:30 (twenty-one years ago)

shit. that's NOT my chin.

― hurley (hurley), Monday, 9 May 2005 19:31 (twenty-one years ago)

That's MY chin sir! And may I say that aroma is fascinating. Where have you been walking? It reminds me of...mandrills? No, no, that cannot be. Surely I am mistaken.

― Semi-Grey Elk, Tuesday, 10 May 2005 00:20 (twenty-one years ago)

ah mandrills . . . how the memories wash over me. simpler tismes.

― hurley (hurley), Tuesday, 10 May 2005 13:16 (twenty-one years ago)

and yet infinitely more complex, and you are both mistaken, it's not a chin AT ALL

― Matt (Matt), Tuesday, 10 May 2005 15:08 (twenty-one years ago)

from a distance, one might think that this conversation is completely inane. i,i who have shaved with the zen clown am inspired. as you probably have noticed by now, i have dropped my caps. hurley has liberated me.

― frightened mouse, Tuesday, 10 May 2005 22:24 (twenty-one years ago)

How I wish for simpler tismes as well.....

Right this second I have at least 14 pages of multilevel quadratic tismes to solve before the morning.

― Ðµdë §téè£ (Ðµdë §téè£), Wednesday, 11 May 2005 00:10 (twenty-one years ago)

hurley,

dude is making fun of you. if you distract him, i will pee in his ice cream.

― Zen Clown (Zen Clown), Wednesday, 11 May 2005 00:44 (twenty-one years ago)

That's no ice cream, that's his chin.

― Matt (Matt), Wednesday, 11 May 2005 08:57 (twenty-one years ago)

so hard to tell. it looked like a "double dip" to me.

(for those of you who don't know, dude steel weighs 2245 pounds and is the envy of walruses the world over. he was once photographed at a tupperware party looking for a tight seal.)

― Zen Clown (Zen Clown), Wednesday, 11 May 2005 18:06 (twenty-one years ago)

correction: dude now weighs 2243 pounds. he just regurgitated a grebe.

― Zen Clown (Zen Clown), Wednesday, 11 May 2005 18:14 (twenty-one years ago)

I just can't keep a good grebe down......

― Ðµdë §téè£ (Ðµdë §téè£), Wednesday, 11 May 2005 23:31 (twenty-one years ago)

How tight was the seal?

― MSW (MSW), Thursday, 12 May 2005 13:44 (twenty-one years ago)

I don't know. She was one of those "foxy" ones though. She used to say "Why don't you come up and 'sea' me sometime?"

― Zen Clown (Zen Clown), Thursday, 12 May 2005 14:01 (twenty-one years ago)

What kind of seamy tale is this, Zen?

― M. White (Miguelito), Thursday, 12 May 2005 14:30 (twenty-one years ago)

i thought i *was* distracting him. that was the whole point, right??

crissakes, why else would i have hired an INDIAN.

you can get sunburned italians for tuppence a throw.

― hurley (hurley), Thursday, 12 May 2005 23:20 (twenty-one years ago)

I tend to agree with you here, hurley. Both of my children-in-laws are Italian and Indian pasta tastes like shit.

― Zen Clown (Zen Clown), Friday, 13 May 2005 00:33 (twenty-one years ago)

Then you either are not cleaning them proprely or you are not seasoning them proprely.

Just last week I had a young indian maiden completely bathed, rolled in saffron, and served up on a bed of fettuci...fetachin.....noodles and it was quite tasty!

― Ðµdë §téè£ (Ðµdë §téè£), Friday, 13 May 2005 01:29 (twenty-one years ago)

doggie bag??

― hurley (hurley), Friday, 13 May 2005 13:25 (twenty-one years ago)

Dogey bag? Really good take-out from a cichetti bar? Si, encora un bicchiere di fragolino, per piacere.

― M. White (Miguelito), Friday, 13 May 2005 21:06 (twenty-one years ago)

Really White, enough of this froggy language to confuse us all.

― MSW (MSW), Tuesday, 17 May 2005 12:54 (twenty-one years ago)

While there may be frogs in La Serenissima, I don't think they're the kind you're mean.

― M. White (Miguelito), Tuesday, 17 May 2005 14:22 (twenty-one years ago)

I've heard that Matt serves frogs.
He has a waitress of noble blood to kiss them to make sure that they are real.

― Zen Clown (Zen Clown), Wednesday, 18 May 2005 06:17 (twenty-one years ago)

My waitresses are all saints.

― Matt (Matt), Wednesday, 18 May 2005 10:15 (twenty-one years ago)

So when they finally serve you, it's a miracle?

― M. White (Miguelito), Wednesday, 18 May 2005 14:47 (twenty-one years ago)

Well the water does immediately turn into wine, and not that cheap twist off cap junk either, I mean the good stuff that has a corked bottle and everything!

― Ðµdë §téè£ (Ðµdë §téè£), Thursday, 19 May 2005 00:38 (twenty-one years ago)

The last time one of my waitresses serviced me,it certainly felt like a miracle.

― Matt (Matt), Thursday, 19 May 2005 09:26 (twenty-one years ago)

Saint indeed.

― M. White (Miguelito), Thursday, 19 May 2005 14:15 (twenty-one years ago)

isn't he the one who piped the frogs out of ormskirk only to be later disgraced in the sainsbury holiday turkey fisting scandal of '78 only to be later still made pope, but a different pope. or am i thinking of something else entirely (or even in part) different? all suggestions and (non-genetic material) donations accepted.

― hurley (hurley), Thursday, 19 May 2005 15:52 (twenty-one years ago)

p.s. is lynskey still for sale??

― hurley (hurley), Thursday, 19 May 2005 15:57 (twenty-one years ago)

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