What do you do with real anger and real rage?

It isn't really a general question.
I am very angry about something very specific that happened two years ago (and kept happening).
I've talked about it a little in the depression thread and the 'dating with mental illness' thread.
The thoughts are recurrent, every day, and I see red, and every day it's like I just keep hitting this brick wall.
The mental anguish that all of this has caused me has landed me in the psychiatric wing of hospitals at least three times now (I used to be sad/confused/suicidal over it).
There isn't really anything I can do to change it, and I can't go more than a few minutes with thinking about it.
I mostly just get angry, now.

I don't know how to change this.
Every fucking day. Most of you probably know my psychiatric diagnosis now, so I don't feel like repeating it. I even had the police called on me once because I was yelling in and pounding around my apartment, alone, once late at night.

Like, I try to fucking joke about it.
I got drunk today and just listened to a bunch of gangsta rap diss tracks. But, I still feel the same as I did a few hours ago.

I usually just try to "turn off", and space out, and spend the day in bed (since I'm usually sick from drinking) and read old ilx threads and random wikipedias -- which kind of works, when I make the decision to -turn off-, that is. But, when I turn on, it all comes rushing back. It's anger/sadness, whatever. Going back to therapy seems like a shit idea - I've told at least four therapists about it, I can't even remember off the top of my head. It just seems shitty to keep dwelling on it, but I have no life, really.

Hell.

it just feels like being a sane person dealing with something insane.

Half-hearted attempts at DBT and mindfulness (along with some sobriety and meds) did as much for me as anything else I ever tried. I didn't break myself, anybody else, or things while recognizing and naming the desire, while not judging myself for my feeling and emotions.

"I recognize I want to destroy. I can feel adrenaline. I may be covering up other feelings. This has happened to me before. I can survive. What do I really want out of this situation. Not wanting to change is okay for now. I can chill."

it sounds melodramatic, and little emo shits lie about this all over the internet, "oh, i wake up screaming". <-- those pieces of shit are lying and histrionic.

i've waked myself up by yelling in my sleep, lately. happened twice, last night. first: something unintelligible, just plane yelling, with a bit of "you bitch, you bitch" in there, too. woke myself up, just felt like what the hell. second time: not going into it.

i wanna slap little shits that over-exaggerate their "mental illness". i want to fucking rip their throats out. little fucking liars.

I repress it and know I'll die before my fifties

And that thought is comforting to me

it sounds melodramatic, and little emo shits lie about this all over the internet, "oh, i wake up screaming". <-- those pieces of shit are lying and histrionic.

i've waked myself up by yelling in my sleep, lately. happened twice, last night. first: something unintelligible, just plane yelling, with a bit of "you bitch, you bitch" in there, too. woke myself up, just felt like what the hell. second time: not going into it.

i wanna slap little shits that over-exaggerate their "mental illness". i want to fucking rip their throats out. little fucking liars.

― i've mellowed, but fuck if i like radiohead or coldplay (monster mash), Wednesday, November 25, 2015 9:46 PM (36 minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

stop doing this

"I recognize I want to destroy. I can feel adrenaline. I may be covering up other feelings. This has happened to me before. I can survive. What do I really want out of this situation. Not wanting to change is okay for now. I can chill."

this is totally otm, it takes practice but you can totally learn to stop yourself before your thoughts turn into rage. even just vocalizing them like this can be surprisingly effective.

qualx: don't ever come near my posts or harass me again. you don't even have the depth of mind to tell me what i did wrong, you faux-intellectual/crank/dropout.

and, before you do, yes qualx, show us your credentials. get the fuck out of my thread, cunt.

having problems is not a license to be abusive to anybody. saying "stop doing this" isn't abusive. calling people cunts is.

Yeah dude, you keep prefacing your issues with crap like " little emo shits lie about this all over the internet" as if to imply everyone else but you is.. making it up? Not suffering like you do? You're just making it difficult for anyone to want to help, grandstanding your problems, and then lamenting the next day that you spoke out of drunkenness.

Stop drinking.

Otm. All about support and uplifting but the moment you discredit the validity of others' mental illnesses it comes across as vanity, as if you cherish being one of the few with "legit" illness.

From the sounds of it there is nothing rosy about what you are feeling at all so I would suggest expressing yourself in a way that doesn't involve ripping down other people in the process.

I fp

careful that's a hefty responsibility there!

i'd like to think he was just doing that 'vocalising rage' thing brimstead was talking about but hey

mm if you decide to actually read this, this is that thing you keep apologizing for in the other thread. apologies don't amount to much when you keep doing the thing.

no no no. vocalizing was the wrong word, I meant thinking/saying things to yourself like "I am angry about 'blah blah blah' right now", "why am I upset" etc. the idea is to circumvent rage by changing your thoughts before you explode.

i had honestly not been taking my pills last week. i was nearly running out of them, and trying to take them every other day or something. i couldn't get them refilled on time, because i'm sad/angry/drunk constantly.

sorry. thank you. sorry.

it's getting harder and harder to hold back.