Summarise a Novel in 25 Words

Hitler got me tenure. Shit, what's that in the sky? Sure, we're all postmodern consumer whores, but the real question is: who's fucking my wife?

(Don DeLillo - White Noise)

Jewish TV producer lusts after women and single malt whisky, kills best friend, hits on another woman at his wedding. Gets Alzheimer's, dies lonely.

"Barney's Version", Mordecai Richler

In the future, there will be robots. I love you, Decker. Dance for me.

(Phillip K. Dick - Do Androids Dream Of Electric Sheep?)

And yes, I have memorized all of the commercials on Wave 103 in GRAND THEFT AUTO: VICE CITY. Kill me now.

Hackworth renegs on deal; girl learns from nanobook; many technologies are explained; Judge Fang, Dr. X help orphan girls; and as war comes, book ends.

You can be my baby, it don't matter if you're black or white. Unfortunately, my ex-husband is psychotic. So we might end up dead.

(Philip Roth - THE HUMAN STAIN)

I'm going to stop now...

Children exercise imagination while hiding in furniture, "remythologizing" the story of Jesus; all the saved animals dance when God wins. Only Professor believes the children.

All the women I know are psychotically out to get me. I'm a little twisted myself and confusing things keep happening to me. What's real?

(a novel by PKDick)

when your being sodomized who cares if its from the "left" or the "right."

Desade- "justine or Good Conduct Well Chastised'

where's your mother, not here today?
i think i'll let myself in to play.
let's play, me and you,
let's see what these Things do!

lennon's dead, husband's dead, the bishop's lover's dead, the bishop died alone in the desert looking for early christians. maybe this retarded boy can help.

Mortars are effective guerilla weapons. I wasn't a great racist revolutionary, but made up my faults via martyrdom operation. Now i am a patriot saint.

Turner Diaries

Curse Of The Bambino by Shank
1918 Ruth sold for cash Snodgrass mad dash Williams fails to mash 67 year of the Yaz Buckner's ball doesn't bounce true Curses foiled again

Shigekune Honda meets Kiyoaki Matsugae's soul every eighteen years: Isao, Chantrapa, Toru, each meeting worse, as Western modernity dilutes the once glorious culture of Japan.

The Sea of Fertility, tetralogy (4 books, sorry), Yukio Mishima

Young man denounces religion; learns the virtues of thought, patience and fasting. The river tells all and in the end, friends are all that matters.

The Things They Carried

Although it seemed terrrible at the time, we survivors, who are still sane and solvent, actually amassed a lot of poignant anecdotes while in Vietnam.

"Hal, please send my manuscript to the printer."
i'm sorry, Dave, i cannot do that
"Come on, Hal!"
i'm sorry, Da -- Dave, don't do tha--

Sinclair Lewis, It Can't Happen Here

neocon junta steals american election, stages false flag op, declares war on everybody, suspends the constitution, people are disappeared -- oh wait, it can happen here.

Paradise Lost - by John Milton

The story of genesis - conjured in dulcet prose. Satan is imbued with such humanity that one is tempted to root for him. I did. Pity.

Oranges are not the Only Fruit:

When one is going to Heaven, one gives not a shit about other people.

The Iliad

Lots of guys fight for 10 years over a girl that isn't theirs. Arrogance is brought to heel.

The Odyssey

Guy takes 10 years to return from fight over girl before he comes home to his wife. She's unusually understanding.

The Aeneid

W3 R0M^NS ARE L33T T00!! AND 0UR B1TCH3S R0CK!!

Hamlet

My family's fucked up. I'll pretend to be crazy, lull them into a false sense of security and kill them.

The Jungle, by Upton Sinclair

You might want to read the ingredients on that package of sausage....

Christine, by Steven King

When automobiles attack....

The Iliad, by Homer

Long boats trips, many battles. Man, the woman had best be awake when I get home.

Bonfire of the Vanities: Rich spoiled man accidentally kills someone, lies, gets caught, loses all, learns humility. Film adapation sucks.

A Simple Plan, by Scott Smith

Three can keep a secret if two are dead. Well, shit, I guess not. Live and learn.

To Have and Have Not, Hemingway

Rum running; more than a job, it's an adventure. If I die, I guess my wife can support herself as a prostitute.

masochist marries codex, blushes at other guy. Doctor marries chit. Having money is as bad as not having money - or is it? Get married!

Middlemarch

Jude the Obscure

Boy goes to school, marries hussy, she throws pig genitals at him, they divorce, he falls in love. Incest babies kill themselves. Sad.

Correction to above's Jude the Obscure:

Boy goes to school, marries hussy, she throws pig genitals at him, they divorce, he falls in love with COUSIN. Incest babies kill themselves. Sad.

Lord of the Flies

Group of kids and a fat kid get stranded. Find a counch. Go crazy and kill a pig. Then killed the fat kid.

"There you have it." (intermission) "There you have it." "Shall we go?". "Yes lets go." (They do not move.)

(Waiting For Godot - alright, its a play not a novel.)

"Going down."
"Lobby. Pagans, Philosophers, The Unlucky."
"Basement. Icky People."
"SubBasement. Really Icky People.
"SubSubBasement. Seriously Icky People."
...
"Bottom. All out. Elevator up over there."

(The Inferno. Dante Alighieri)

The Hours by Michael Cunningham

I'm not gay, but I like to kiss women. Some say I hate my life, but in reality I'm just far too melodramatic. (Except Virginia.)

Top five desert island plot points...
1) Guy loses girl
2) Obsesses over girls he's nailed.
3) Listens to records
4) Nails musician
5) Gets out of rut, back with girlfriend.

(High Fidelity - Nick Hornby)
Film adaptation is pretty good, John Cusack is loveable.

Sloth or entropy

I just realized this is an anagram of Tyrone Slothrop.

I would NEVER have noticed. that was brilliant. utterly brilliant.

Big Sur.

I can't think of anything to write, so I'll isolate myself on a beach. No, still can't write. Apart from this waffle.

Thought my boss died. Oh, wait, I did. That explains my car morphing into earlier models, and my face showing up on his dimes!

A Clockwork Orange

Teens beat, steal and rape. Teen gets caught. Brainwashing ensues. Violent teens are now cops. Unbrainwashing ensues. Violence = bad. Choosing violence = good. Milk = good.

=s are not words.

My family's oppressive, and I'm lonely and dying. I'll marry the local scoundrel for kicks. Wait, I'm healthy! Thank God my husband's a disguised millionaire.

(The Blue Castle, L.M. Montgomery)

The Secret History, Donna Tartt

Weird dream; thought we killed someone last night. We did. Friend with funny name will talk. Must kill friend first.

Even though he’s been boffing her, Mike Hammer finds it’s easy to gut-shoot the naked nymphomaniac psychoanalyst who murdered his best friend.

If On A Winter's Night A Traveller, Italo Calvino

You are a reader who only ever gets to read the first chapter of ten books. It's infuriating but you do get laid.

Naked Lunch, william s. burroughs

lee shoots up bug powder, shoots wife, goes to tangier, gets hooked on opiates/black centipede meat,friends worry but love his book. GAY SEX!

War of the Worlds - H.G. Wells

Martians kick our asses but then get a cold and die.

Longitude.

I won your stupid prize... No you didn't (50 years later) ok you did.

any of Michael Crichton's non-medical books:

Isn't cutting-edge technology wonderful?! Wait, that shouldn't be happening ... FUCK!

I'm sure glad I survived - If only we'd respected nature.

Some of you are mistaking 'capture the essence of the novel' with 'summarize the novel'.

err, nevermind. ;-P

Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoevsky

I'm poor. Let's rob and kill a pawnbroker who sucks. Yay, for murder! Let's go insane and confess. Yay Siberia!

The DarkTower Series - Stephen King

Book 1 - The Gunslinger
Roland follows guy through desert. Massacres a town. Finds boy. Drops boy off bridge. Finally meets guy on beach

Book 2 - The Drawing of the Three
Crabs eat his fingers. Walks up the beach and finds "portal doors": out of which come an ex-junkie dude (after a gunfight), a black schizo chick in a wheelchair who wants to kill whitey. Schizo turns normal.

Book 3 - The Waste Lands
Cripple chick gets raped, boy that fell off the bridge hops out of a hole in the ground. They kill a robot bear. "Stairway to Heaven" will get you crucified in this town. Suicidal robot train wants to derail.

Book 4 - Wizard and Glass
Welcome to Kansas. Hi it's me RF. Flash back. Roland had sex once. He and some buds killed a bunch of thugs and a witch. Roland's chick dies. He goes home and kills his mom by accident.

Book 5 - Wolves of the Calla
Robots are stealing kid's IQs. Cripple chick is pregnant. You are told to go read Salem's Lot. They kill a bunch of robots and the cripple chick runs off to a cave with a portal door.

The Neon Bible - John Kennedy Toole
Kid in small town. Dad goes to war, dies. Mom goes nuts, dies, gets buried in back yard. Preacher comes by to take her to take her to mental ward, gets PWNED. Kid runs off.

Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov

Suave European pedophile tries to convince us he's human, while providing his very particular view of 50s America. Sharp wit, unreliable narrator, sick love story.

Oh, mysterious woman! You entice me, yet keep disappearing. Let's reflect on the history of 20th century Japan while I mope.

- almost every Haruki Murakami novel ever.

also:
>>Musical prodigy receives all sorts of erudite training growing up, becomes leader of civilized world, plays best game ever, retires, imagines other lives, and dies. <<

I give up! What is this one?