Summarise a Novel in 25 Words

Hey, the ape can talk! And he thinks that by speaking elliptically I will learn how to live righteously in the world. God, he’s smart! (D. Quinn’s Ishmael)

Life as a World War II orphan is grim, but I survive savage landscapes like a medieval fairy tale character without a ‘happily ever after’. (J. Kosinski’s The Painted Bird)

-- The Sun Also Rises

-- Woolf, To the Lighthouse

A skinhead Hamlet, Prince of Denmark

ACT I SCENE I
The battlements of Elsinore Castle.
Enter HAMLET, followed by GHOST.
GHOST: Oi! Mush!
HAMLET: Yer?
GHOST: I was fucked!
(Exit GHOST.)
HAMLET: O Fuck.
(Exit HAMLET.)
SCENE II
The Throneroom.
Enter KING CLAUDIUS, GERTRUDE, HAMLET and COURT.
CLAUDIUS: Oi! You, Hamlet, give over!
HAMLET: Fuck off, won't you?
(Exit CLAUDIUS, GERTRUDE, COURT.)
HAMLET: (Alone) They could have fucking waited.
(Enter HORATIO.)
HORATIO: Oi! Watcha cock fuck!
HAMLET: Weeeeey!
(Exeunt.)
SCENE III
Ophelia's Bedroom.
Enter OPHELIA and LAERTES.
LAERTES: I'm fucking off now. Watch Hamlet doesn't slip you one while I'm gone.
OPHELIA: I'll be fucked if he does.
(Exeunt.)
SCENE IV
The Battlements.
Enter HORATIO, HAMLET and GHOST.
GHOST: Oi! Mush, get on with it!
HAMLET: Who did it then?
GHOST: That wanker Claudius. He poured fucking poison in my fucking ear!
HAMLET: Fuck me!
(Exeunt.)
ACT II SCENE I
A corridor in the castle.
Enter HAMLET reading. Enter POLONIUS.
POLONIUS: Oi! You!
HAMLET: Fuck off, grandad!
(Exit POLONIUS. Enter ROSENCRANZ and GUILDENSTERN.)
ROS & GUILD: Oi! Oi! Mucca!
HAMLET: Fuck off, the pair of you!
(Exit ROS & GUILD.)
HAMLET: (Alone) To fuck or be fucked.
(Enter OPHELIA.)
OPHELIA: My Lord!
HAMLET: Fuck off to a nunnery!
(The exit in different directions.)
ACT III SCENE I
The Throne Room.
Enter PLAYERS and all COURT.
I PLAYER: Full thirty times hath Phoebus cart...
CLAUDIUS: I'll be fucked if I watch any more of this crap.
(Exeunt.)
SCENE II
Gertrude's Bedchamber.
Enter HAMLET, to GERTRUDE.
HAMLET: Oi! Slag!
GERTRUDE: Watch your fucking mouth, kid!
POLONIUS: (From behind the curtain) Too right.
HAMLET: Who the fuck was that?
(He stabs POLONIUS through the fucking arras.)
POLONIUS: Fuck!
HAMLET: Fuck! I thought it was that other wanker.
(Exeunt.)
ACT IV SCENE I
A Court Room.
CLAUDIUS: Fuck off to England then!
HAMLET: Delighted, mush.
SCENE II
The Throne Room.
OPHELIA, GERTRUDE and CLAUDIUS.
OPHELIA: Here, cop a whack of this.
(She hands GERTRUDE some fucking rosemary and exits.)
CLAUDIUS: She's fucking round the twist, isn't she?
GERTRUDE: (Looking out the window) There is a willow grows aslant the brook.
CLAUDIUS: Get on with it, slag.
GERTRUDE: Ophelia's gone and fucking drowned!
CLAUDIUS: Fuck! Laertes isn't half going to be browned off.
(Exeunt.)
SCENE III
A Corridor.
LAERTES: (Alone) I'm going to fucking do this lot.
(Enter CLAUDIUS.)
CLAUDIUS: I didn't fucking do it, mate. It was that wanker Hamlet.
LAERTES: Well, fuck him.
ACT V SCENE I
Hamlet's Bedchamber.
HAMLET and HORATIO seated.
HAMLET: I got this feeling I'm going to cop it, Horatio, and you know, I couldn't give a flying fuck.
(Exeunt.)
SCENE II
Large Hall.
Enter HAMLET, LAERTES, COURT, GERTRUDE, CLAUDIUS.
LAERTES: Oi, wanker: let's get on with it.
HAMLET: Delighted, fuckface.
(They fight and both are poisoned by the poisoned sword.)
LAERTES: Fuck!
HAMLET: Fuck!
(The QUEEN drinks.)
GERTRUDE: Fucking odd wine!
CLAUDIUS: You drunk the wrong fucking cup, you stupid cow!
HAMLET: (Pouring the poison down CLAUDIUS'S throat)
Well, fuck you!
CLAUDIUS: I'm fair and squarely fucked.
LAERTES: Oi, mush: no hard feelings, eh?
HAMLET: Yer.
(LAERTES dies.)
HAMLET: Oi! Horatio!
HORATIO: Yer?
HAMLET: I'm fucked. The rest is fucking silence.
(HAMLET dies.)
HORATIO: Fuck: that was no ordinary wanker, you know.
(Enter FORTINBRAS.)
FORTINBRAS: What the fuck's going on here?
HORATIO: A fucking mess, that's for sure.
FORTINBRAS: No kidding. I see Hamlet's fucked.
HORATIO: Yer.
FORTINBRAS: Fucking shame: fucking good bloke.
HORATIO: Too fucking right.
FORTINBRAS: Fuck this for a lark then. Let's piss off.
(Exeunt with alarums.)

The ship's surgeon was a spotty, unshaven little fake. So is everyone else. Wyatt kills Brown. Stanley brings down the house.

Karass, my ass! Is it cold in here, or is it just me?

Y'all are one serious buzzkill. I'm out.

--James Frey, A Million Little Pieces

Wouldn't you like to know!
(Kafka, The Castle)

>> Wouldn't you like to know!
>> (Kafka, The Castle)

I'm, like, sooo out of here.
(Kafka, America)

Hamlet

Oedipus Rex
by James James Morrison Morrison Weatherby George DuPree (age 3)

The End.

ugly guy falls in love with beautiful lady. she turns him down. this goes on for years. eventually, the deserve each other.

Monkey-faced mockney regurgitates cooking ideas established long ago by greater chefs, but is worshipped for saying "pukka" repeatedly. Sits back and waits for advertising deals.

OR

a knyght ther waf, his sone, yeman, frere, monk,
marchant, millere, nonne, doctour of phyfic,
sergeant of lawe, and the refte, sharing smalltalk while traveling.

OR

"a compaignye of sondry folk, by aventure yfalle in felaweshipe, and pilgrimes were they alle that toward Caunterbury wolden ryde . . . ech . . . telles tales tweye"

Crap.My bitch's dead-ill goto the future so theres a story and get some shit answer and stay in the future

Does exactly what it says on the tin

Oi, wanker.

"Mostly Harmless." Earth is a supercomputer ruled by mice. Earth explodes but another is made. Repeatedly saving the universe, towels, time/galaxy travel, odd things.

Screwing Elizabeth Taylor's gaping wounds in a wrecked automobile. Mmmmmm...

Isn't being on the road fun? Actually, wait, it's kinda depressing.

1803. Tom runs away to live with homeless starving London prostitute. Goes to Eton and learns Greek. Starts taking opium. Dreams. Takes more, then less.

(I have sinned by doing this. I think it should be FIFTY words... at a min.)

Seabiscuit
Laura Hillenbrand
P.S. This thread is FABU!

Poisonwood Bible
Barbara Kingsolver

I asked a friend what she thought of the movie, The Passion of The Christ. She said, "It was great! They should write a book about it."

The Old Man and the Sea

Middlesex by Eugenides

A Prayer for Owen Meaney by John Irving

Lone wolf detective is turned on by scheming woman, helps her outwit queer, fatso and goon, then sends her to the chair anyway. Falcon worthless.

I don't want to work in advertising. I want to be a poet. No wait, actually I want pussy more. Okay, I'll work in advertising.

Do you sit or stand to piss, Beer, Burning Sheep

Vicar gains divine power, uncovers massive cover-up/conspiracy. Dies. Comes back. Discovers best mate is evil. Beats him up. Gets shot. Loses power. Finally happy.

The Lord of the Rings:

Loads of malarkey over a bit of bling.

The Black Dahlia (James Ellroy):

Cop is obsessed with dead girl. Alienates everyone, ruins life. Discovers gardener did it. No, boss did it! No, daughter did it!! Everyone did it!!!

Dead Air (Iain Banks):

9-11. Shock Jock annoys everyone on air. Sleeps with gangsters wife. Gets beaten up. The end.